I have a lady come in 2 times per week to give my Mom a shower. She has her own room.... But my wife feels this is a huge intrusion. My mother cannot safely live alone in her Condo.
Did you and your wife discuss this move before it took place or did it just happen?
Does your wife feeling like this is a huge intrusion mean that you made a unilateral decision own your own? Has has your marriage been doing up to this point? I can see her feeling intruded upon and maybe like you have dumped your mother's care into her hands, but there must be more going on here with her threatening to move out herself? The pressure of caregiving often puts so much pressure on a marriage that where ever it is weak will surface. Unless the issues are dealt with, the marriages are lost or permanently damaged. I would look into the two of you seeing a marriage therapist to give ya'll an objective 3rd person perspective and help you two work through whatever is going on deep down.
Do what you need to do to save your marriage for your primary commitment is to your wife.
Does your mother have the resources for an alternate approach to her care like being able to pay for caregivers at her condo 24/7? My dad has at his home with three people working 8 hour shifts. If she cannot giver herself a shower, it does not sound like she would be a good fit for assisted living. Is her health such that she would need a nursing home? If she does not have much money would she qualify for medicaid to pay for a nursing home?
My husband & I have lived with both his mother and mine at different times. If he had brought his mother into our home without asking me, BOTH OF THEM would be looking for a place to stay.
Where I live, it is not assumed that a marriage between two people includes caring for anyone's parents. If it was not discussed explicitly ahead of time, it is just not done.
Caring for an old, sick, declining person is NOT like caring for a small child. It is a LOT more work and the person doing the caregiving gives up their entire life to do it. Depending on the illness, it could go on for 10-15-20 years.
If you were my husband, I would expect that you are doing 50% of the care work right alongside with me. Changing diapers, feeding her, washing her clothes, her bedding, giving medicine, taking to doctors, all of it.
cmagnum asks some pertinent questions, and answers would help us be more specific in our responses.
I may want to comment again after you supply for information, but here is my initial take:
Bringing another adult into the home IS a huge intrusion. Even if your mother does not require daily help, there is a change in the privacy of the home. What used to be twosomes is now threesomes. What your wife used to do independently now she has an audience or an adviser or a critic for. Surely you do not expect your mother to stay in her room all day?
How about the financial impact? Is Mom contributing to cost of extra utilities and extra food and trips to the doctors, etc.? If not, don't these extra costs impact both you and your wife's retirement funds? Have you discussed this aspect?
Making a decision this important without your wife's agreement and support is, in my world, grounds for divorce. Did she agree and then change her mind once it happened, or did she never agree in the first place? Don't you respect her as an equal partner? Shouldn't she have equal say in who lives in your home?
I am not on principle opposed to parents moving in with their adult children. It can work out well and enrich the lives of all concerned. I am opposed to one spouse forcing life-altering decisions on the other, without careful discussion and mutual agreement.
I think marriage counseling might be a reasonable option at this point. Or simply work together to come up with better arrangements for your mother. Or ... choose your mother over your wife. See a lawyer about dividing up your assets equitably.
And what is often overlooked is that if the parent is in the 80's and 90's, the "child" is now in their 50's and 60's. So one is called upon to do increasingly more work and mental strain, with increasingly less "steam" with which to do it.
Look at it this way; would you go out and bring home a foster child without consulting your wife?
Is this perhaps a difference in the expectation a of your cultures?
Does your wife feeling like this is a huge intrusion mean that you made a unilateral decision own your own? Has has your marriage been doing up to this point? I can see her feeling intruded upon and maybe like you have dumped your mother's care into her hands, but there must be more going on here with her threatening to move out herself? The pressure of caregiving often puts so much pressure on a marriage that where ever it is weak will surface. Unless the issues are dealt with, the marriages are lost or permanently damaged. I would look into the two of you seeing a marriage therapist to give ya'll an objective 3rd person perspective and help you two work through whatever is going on deep down.
Do what you need to do to save your marriage for your primary commitment is to your wife.
Does your mother have the resources for an alternate approach to her care like being able to pay for caregivers at her condo 24/7? My dad has at his home with three people working 8 hour shifts. If she cannot giver herself a shower, it does not sound like she would be a good fit for assisted living. Is her health such that she would need a nursing home? If she does not have much money would she qualify for medicaid to pay for a nursing home?
Do you have siblings or are you an only child?
Where I live, it is not assumed that a marriage between two people includes caring for anyone's parents. If it was not discussed explicitly ahead of time, it is just not done.
Caring for an old, sick, declining person is NOT like caring for a small child. It is a LOT more work and the person doing the caregiving gives up their entire life to do it. Depending on the illness, it could go on for 10-15-20 years.
If you were my husband, I would expect that you are doing 50% of the care work right alongside with me. Changing diapers, feeding her, washing her clothes, her bedding, giving medicine, taking to doctors, all of it.
I may want to comment again after you supply for information, but here is my initial take:
Bringing another adult into the home IS a huge intrusion. Even if your mother does not require daily help, there is a change in the privacy of the home. What used to be twosomes is now threesomes. What your wife used to do independently now she has an audience or an adviser or a critic for. Surely you do not expect your mother to stay in her room all day?
How about the financial impact? Is Mom contributing to cost of extra utilities and extra food and trips to the doctors, etc.? If not, don't these extra costs impact both you and your wife's retirement funds? Have you discussed this aspect?
Making a decision this important without your wife's agreement and support is, in my world, grounds for divorce. Did she agree and then change her mind once it happened, or did she never agree in the first place? Don't you respect her as an equal partner? Shouldn't she have equal say in who lives in your home?
I am not on principle opposed to parents moving in with their adult children. It can work out well and enrich the lives of all concerned. I am opposed to one spouse forcing life-altering decisions on the other, without careful discussion and mutual agreement.
I think marriage counseling might be a reasonable option at this point. Or simply work together to come up with better arrangements for your mother. Or ... choose your mother over your wife. See a lawyer about dividing up your assets equitably.
Think again, fast, about alternative options for your mother's care.