Where can she call for assistance on dealing with her mother? Her mother is now 75 and doesn't listen to her - my wife doesn't know how to deal with this and is at the point of a nervous breakdown.
What are your Mother-in-law medical issues? Is it mobile, memory, or both? How long has she lived with you and your wife? Do the both of you work full-time away from the house, and she is felt alone?
What are the issues that is causing your wife to start having a melt down? Would your wife be willing to write on the forum as we are a group of regulars who give emotional support, and any suggestions if we are familiar with the issues. Or if she prefers not to, then you can give us the information and you can rely what you read.
Check the website aging.gov - make certain to use .gov. You'll find a link to your state's services. Once you find your state you should see a long list of services (more in some states than others, sadly). Each state does have some version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program, though even that has different names in different states. Sometime I feel like it's planned complications, but that's how it is. Aging.gov is the first national resource portal cargivers and seniors have had so I'm a huge fan. I hope that by trying the various resources available in your state, including your local Area Agency on Aging, your wife can find ways to get some assistance and advice. Good luck and thanks for caring so much about your wife. Carol
Why not start with your MIL's doctor? Is she diagnosed with a condition that requires she not live on her own or is the situation more socioeconomic in nature? There are solutions either way, it would just be most helpful to know in which direction you should turn for help before diving into the wrong pool...
If you love your wife, then place your mother-in-law someplace else. Not everyone makes a good caregiver and if your m-I-l is causing your wife so much grief, side with your wife and tell m-I-l to stop abusing, arguing, etc. with your wife or she can find another place to live. Be firm and stick to your guns.
My aunt lived on her own until she was 95. Even though she was frail, she was mentally sharp.
She was able to remain independent because of all of the support she had from local organizations (as well as from me). She received frozen food from an organization that provided meals for a month - she got to pick the items she wanted from a menu. She had visitors several times a week from her church. Having that sort of social interaction was healthy for her. She also had a lady who did light house keeping once a week, and another lady who came in who assisted her with taking a shower 2-3 times a week. She belonged to a senior citizen organization where she had lunch a few times a week. (That's where she learned how to do the Macarena when she was well into her 90s). I understand that your MIL lives with you, but I'd still look into (seek out) similar possibilities in your area. Those opportunities will not come to you. You have to do the "homework" and find them. Your wife needs a break. By the way, my aunt had very little money, and most of the support that she received was either free, or cost very little. Best wishes.
You need to be your wife's advocate and voice. She is probably torn up about having to place mom, yet mom is making her life miserable. Can she afford to move to an ALF? If so, just do it. And be there for your wife as she grieves the relationship that is no more. From time to time my mother blows up at me, and although my hubby stays WAY out of all of it--he is upset when I am hurt by my mother. He actually sent me flowers last time mother sent me packing. It helps a lot to have somebody on your side when dealing with difficult elders. Does your wife have siblings? They need to know what is going on! Good luck and bless your wife for walking this hard path.
I used traditional counseling for myself to get through it. I was lucky to have help from our insurance plan. Without that I absolutely felt that I lacked the internal resources to bear it and was definitely nearing a breakdown!! There were sleepless nights, stomach aches, anger, confusion about what to do, desperation to fix the situation, grief about the whole mess, self doubt about knowing how to move through an impossible problem, and cycles of discouragement alternating with a sense of mission. When we say about someone that they are "nearing a nervous breakdown" we are talking about a real cliff a person can fall over. Out of duty or love they may push through to a collapse, and its not because there is a weakness in them. This stuff is hard.
Can ur MIL live alone? What is her income. I have a couple of ALs near me that except private pay for two years and then allow medicaid. They charge a room rent per day and then add the care ur Mom may need. If she can do for herself she would only pay for room and meals. If there is no money for that, then try Adult Daycare. The one my Mom went to provided breakfast and lunch, transportation and gave her a shower 3x a week. Your county should have an Office of the Aging. They usually have aides and programs for seniors. Can direct you to other agencies. Medicaid offers aid for low income. Income is based on your MILs not urs. They will come in an evaluate her.
Last, has ur MIL been like this always or is her behavior new? If new, she needs to be evaluated to see if its a type of Dementia, a med she is taking or an imbalance of somekind. Good Luck.
Has your mother-in-law changed? Did she and your wife have a good relationship when she was younger? If the relationship was never good, and your wife is having such a hard time, then MIL needs to go. Either she can afford a place to live, or she can go into subsidized eldery housing. Here's a link. http://bexar.tx.networkofcare.org/aging/services/agency.aspx?pid=RioGrandeAreaAgencyonAgingAAA_687_1_0
Your wife needs to learn to detach with love from her mother. Whether it's her personality or dementia, elders don't like to be told what to do, and maybe can no longer think straight. They can't or won't cooperate. She should find a caregivers support group to learn about Mom's condition and how other caregivers handle it. She should feel NO SHAME, because this is one of the hardest things on earth - caring for someone who will only get worse - and only other caregiveers understand. If she has friends who are involved with AlAnon, parts of that program would help.
As her husband, what can you do? First, listen, and tell her she's doing a good job. (With a drink or two in your hand, if that would help you listen!) If you have "advice," write it down and hand it to her later, because she needs you to listen. Tell her she's doing a good job, and tell her how hard her job is.
Second, especially if you "can't" listen, then you find a caregiver, and arrange for them to come in on an evening or weekend when your wife can go out with her girlfriends for some time free of responsibility. She is your wife, and she will probably NEVER need your help more than she needs it now.
They say, be good to your kids, because they will be the ones picking out your nursing home. That goes double for your wife. Most likely, she will be caring for you in the future. She will remember everything you do to support her, Each good deed will give her more desire and ability to care for you, and will give you better care. She will remember the times you let her down. she will do her "duty" to you anyway, but....
It feels really good to step up and do hard, even unpleasant tasks for a loved one. You deserve to experience that pride and joy, and to get there, you need to do some things you won't like. The more you can listen and praise and encourage, the easier it gets. Your life and your Karma will be better for it.
I moved my mom in last year after my dad passed and it was constant pushback and arguments. Got to a point almost a year later that she could not be left alone or with partial help coming in. I looked at options after seeking support for myself and daycare was a suggestion. 3 weeks in and daycare has been a lifesaver. After a long year i feel i can go to work and be productive again. It's a matter of time before the pushback and arguing starts again but for now daycare has been a true blessing and relief for my family.
Sounds like your wife has caregiver burnout. Not sure what your situation is. Does your MIL have dementia? Caregiving does take its toll. The stress can be overwhelming. My mom lived with me for two years, had Alzheimer's and could be very combative. I had to learn how to deal with those behaviors.
Get some advice from local area of aging. Sounds like MIL should have her own place.
Call Alzheimer Association....her mom may have dementia/ alzheimer or similar....another must is google "caregiver support groups" using your zip code to find one near you. Groups are worth the time and effort....they helped me so much.
What are the issues that is causing your wife to start having a melt down? Would your wife be willing to write on the forum as we are a group of regulars who give emotional support, and any suggestions if we are familiar with the issues. Or if she prefers not to, then you can give us the information and you can rely what you read.
Good luck and thanks for caring so much about your wife.
Carol
She was able to remain independent because of all of the support she had from local organizations (as well as from me). She received frozen food from an organization that provided meals for a month - she got to pick the items she wanted from a menu. She had visitors several times a week from her church. Having that sort of social interaction was healthy for her. She also had a lady who did light house keeping once a week, and another lady who came in who assisted her with taking a shower 2-3 times a week. She belonged to a senior citizen organization where she had lunch a few times a week. (That's where she learned how to do the Macarena when she was well into her 90s).
I understand that your MIL lives with you, but I'd still look into (seek out) similar possibilities in your area. Those opportunities will not come to you. You have to do the "homework" and find them. Your wife needs a break.
By the way, my aunt had very little money, and most of the support that she received was either free, or cost very little.
Best wishes.
Can she afford to move to an ALF? If so, just do it. And be there for your wife as she grieves the relationship that is no more. From time to time my mother blows up at me, and although my hubby stays WAY out of all of it--he is upset when I am hurt by my mother. He actually sent me flowers last time mother sent me packing. It helps a lot to have somebody on your side when dealing with difficult elders.
Does your wife have siblings? They need to know what is going on!
Good luck and bless your wife for walking this hard path.
Last, has ur MIL been like this always or is her behavior new? If new, she needs to be evaluated to see if its a type of Dementia, a med she is taking or an imbalance of somekind. Good Luck.
Second, especially if you "can't" listen, then you find a caregiver, and arrange for them to come in on an evening or weekend when your wife can go out with her girlfriends for some time free of responsibility. She is your wife, and she will probably NEVER need your help more than she needs it now.
They say, be good to your kids, because they will be the ones picking out your nursing home. That goes double for your wife. Most likely, she will be caring for you in the future. She will remember everything you do to support her, Each good deed will give her more desire and ability to care for you, and will give you better care. She will remember the times you let her down. she will do her "duty" to you anyway, but....
It feels really good to step up and do hard, even unpleasant tasks for a loved one. You deserve to experience that pride and joy, and to get there, you need to do some things you won't like. The more you can listen and praise and encourage, the easier it gets. Your life and your Karma will be better for it.
#2 Your church's pastor
#3 Your town's social worker
#4 Visiting Nurse Association
Get some advice from local area of aging. Sounds like MIL should have her own place.