Why won't she help herself?

Convincing a senior to do things that are in their best interest is a challenge. I think the degree of difficulty also depends on the reason they may be resisting. I think with age related decline and stubbornness, you might make a little headway, if you can provide them with enough incentive, but if their resistance is due to dementia, there is almost no chance you can change their behavior, because they just don't have the mental ability to do it. They either forget to use it or their brain tells them they don't need to do it.

I know that I had issues with my cousin using her cane. It was a huge deal and I would constantly discuss it with her. EVEN AFTER SHE FELL and suffered fractures, she would make excuses for not using the cane. She was disabled due to arthritis. Later it was clear that she wasn't just being stubborn, it was dementia. She wasn't capable and had to be constantly supervised. She then went to a walker, but would forget that too. She then went into a wheelchair after more falls and fractures.

So, I would say that there isn't any real way to convince someone to use a cane, walker etc. Sadly, it's only when they are forced to go into a wheelchair that they stop falling and having fractures. It's sad to know that if she keeps being wobbly, it's likely to result in a fall. The only solution is someone to live with her and constantly remind her do use it.

I'd get her an Emergency Alert button she can wear to call for help in case she falls and can't get to the phone.

I looked it up and see that 17 stone is over 200 pounds. You should still be able to push her in a wheelchair at that weight. She may be safer in the wheelchair.

Rainbow, welcome to the club... so many elders are in denial they are aging and don't want to use all these great things to make their life better.

Please use my Mom's example, maybe it might get through to your Mum. My Mom didn't want anything helpful for herself, nor for my Dad. Heaven forbid if a doctor said to her "it's age related". Mom would furniture/wall walk about their house, she was so unbalanced being in her late 90's. She even refused to let my Dad bring inside the house his new rolling walker.

Mom started to fall, trips back and forth to ER. Still refusing to help herself, or Dad, she had a serious fall and is no longer walking anywhere as she is bedridden in long term care on hospice watch. What did her stubbornness gain her, nothing, just heartache for those around her.

Dad is now using the rolling walker inside the house and hasn't fallen in months. And he is allowing the paid caregivers inside the house, Mom had refused them.

sympathies-my mom is 76 with dementia and she still hasn't made a will. She also doesn't wear her life alert pendant even though she's fallen twice.

They won't help themselves because every bit of help or every gadget they accept is admitting they need it and admitting they are old, and that things are going nowhere good.

Rainbow, 238 lbs is possible but not easy to push in a wheelchair. My mom was close to 200 and I could manage, could even get her up a manual ramp to our adapted vehicle, and it was an old of clunker of a chair. And she is likely expecting to be pushed rather than to push. That might explain the vote for a chair instead of a walker, though a walker is a lot less "dependent" than the chair and would be seen as helping with balance but maintaining strength and independence...maybe in some weird way the wheelchair seems more like a temporary convenience and the walker like some horrid old people thing. Maybe something pretty and high tech that you could call by a different name??

adaptivemall
tasmobility

____ ed if you do and double-______ if you don't. On the one hand, giving the elderly a few tools to be self-reliant can make them feel helpless sometimes. So I wouldn't give her anything unless she asks for it or really needs it. On the other hand, some elderly are quite adept at flipping the script on you by playing helpless when it's convenient for them.

Fairly able-bodied, she shouldn't have it both ways. Don't let her pull your strings so much.

She won't use a walker or cane because her hands hurt

My dad is the same way. Resist I'll help with cane or Walker and I tell him he is headed for a wheelchair but he says no way! He refuses to do his physical therapy or move more than he has to in a day, so eventually I know that's where we'll be. They are very manipulative and definitely act helpless if it's something they don't want to do. Caregiving is just a miserable job and I don't wish it for anybody. I told my dad next time he falls he's going to the hospital by himself and coming home by himself. I am NOT leaving work or changing my life at all because he refuses to help himself

Depends how you define "fairly able bodied" She is a Senior, she is overweight and obviously likes to have things done her way. I would not necessarily force the wheelchair or anything else on her but make full use of those provided in stores, Dr's offices and hospitals. She may get short of breath or her heart start racing if she has to walk far. There may be things she has not told you about because she is afraid of loosing her independence and possibly going to a nursing home which we all dread.
This is up to you, if you feel you can't push a W/C you don't have to. If she is capable of using a walker well she uses it or you don't take her. It really is as simple as that, you hold the power these days so use it.

You need a villain. I am the villain in most scenarios. But in the walker/cane story the physical therapist was. The Doctor suggested the cane and MIL had a hissy. So the Dr. wrote a script for PT to see if she could get strong enough on her own. The PT came to the house(whew) and made her do laps(for lack of a better term). Mind you...this was not without it's horror stories. The physical therapist has my cell phone and didn't hesitate to call me at work when MIL had her tantrums. Eventually, she got stronger so she is definitely steadier on her feet but after the Therapist's last day, MIL told me she didn't like her and she wasn't going to do the exercises. That's when I but the wheelchair, walker and cane out in plain view. She snapped (something out of place). I told her I needed them to be ready in case of an emergency. The explanation was simple and direct, don't do your PT and you will need to use one of these. She doesn't do the exercises everyday as required by the physical therapist. Her decision was to do them every other day.
She has dementia but is functional as long as she has some control of her life. It is the small battles that she wins that gives her purpose. My charge prefers I do everything for her. I lovingly botch up her demands so she feels the need to do it herself to get it right. Maybe in your situation the lovingly botching and PT would help. Don't give up retreat, regroup and try again.

Ah, yes. Stubborn old people won't do as they're told. I'll be 80 on my next birthday. I have three daughters who sometimes are supportive of my decisions and sometimes have some pretty hare-brained ideas about what I should or should not be doing. Sometimes a suggestion or preoccupation seems to come from a daughter's own anxiety rather than observation and discernment. It's good to know they love me and want to keep my safe, but this is my life to live as best I can.

2 thoughts. First, while you are concerned for her safety and well being, no one likes to be told what to do.. Make sure your delivery isn't like speaking to a child. She is an adult with her own ideas and opinions. And second, would it be helpful to let her pick out her own devices? So many of the commonly used mobility and home safety devices are ugly and institutional looking. Take her out shopping. If she picks something out herself she may be more likely to use it.

Dragonbait, you made me smile. You're right that often suggestions comes from adult children's anxiety and worry. Sometimes, they are right - other times they are overstepping.

My feeling is that if rainbow22's mother doesn't have dementia, then she will make her own decisions based on what she wants to do. It won't always make sense to rainbow - but her mother deserves to make choices. I believe that rainbow is a truly concerned daughter, but she may have to say, "Mum, that's your choice but I can't take you to ---whatever---unless you agree to use some form of support so that you don't fall.”

Then leave it to her mother. Often - for any of us at any age - when we are left to choose between admitting something we don't want to admit (like hearing loss) and whether or not to do something about it - we'll make a choice to do what needs to be done if we aren't pushed too hard. Stepping back can often accomplish what nagging fails to do.

This is the hard part for people as they age as it is for their adult children. Most adult children mean well. But adults of all ages deserve the dignity of making their own decisions even when they are "wrong" from the daughter/son's point of view.

With the focus on dementia, these days, it's easy for people to assume anyone over 65 can't think for themselves. Nothing is further from the truth. Becoming stubborn about feeling pushed into making decisions is often the next step.

Dementia, of course, changes that.

Good luck, Rainbow22. Your mother would likely be better off with hearing aids and a walking frame. I hope that she will eventually see this. Meanwhile smile through gritted teeth if you must. And please check back with us.
Carol

My husband resists using most aids including the walker they gave him in hospital last winter but he is so wobbly he wants me to push him in the wheelchair when we go out . We have a very lightweight wheelchair and he is 14 stone. Its still hard though. He wont do the exercises they gave him to do at the clinic or even the breathing ones to help the COPD. He just watches TV all the time and seems in a different world though he hasnt got dementia , He has always been difficult although a good guy underneath. He feels humiliated by the weakness from his illness too. So used to being athletic and competent unlike me! He is 81 now and I do realize its terribly hard to get sick and old and
not able to function without help and these aids. It is humiliating and beyond frustrating for these patients. On the other hand a carers lot is pretty awful too.
I am thinking of getting the doctor to tell him he must use these aids and do the exercises or the carer will collapse and he wont have anyone! People-especially men take notice of doctors when they wont listen to their spouse/partner. I found this when he was drinking gallons of beer -He only stopped when the doc. said you will be dead within a year if you dont stop now.
I had been to AA several times for advice but he refused to go. Then there was the smoking..... Its so very hard to change people.

Sometimes we have to face the fact that we cannot force someone to do something if they are dead set against it. Even with canes walkers and wheelchairs the fact is old people fall. Im not saying let it happen, i watch my mom like a hawk to try and keep her safe, but even so she has fallen three times once in rehab. We can't put bubble wrap around them to keep them safe, although sometimes i wish we could. Your mom may fall because she wont use a cane or walker, but she might fall even if she did use them. Try and help her understand the need, but then its up to her as ff's example shows. I hope the best for mum and you.

My BIL (63) who I care for has dementia, he's cognitive at times and in his own world at times. There are though things he absolutely will not accept hearing aids or checks on his hearing, anything at all to aid his walking ~ he wall/furniture walks. My solution and it is harsh to the hearing is, it's your life M and your choice how you live it. You can choose to do something about your hearing in which case I'll do whatever you need that I can do (I'm wheelchair bound with health issues). Or you can keep ignoring it, if that's your choice ok, but don't ever tell me you can't hear properly, don't moan that you miss things because it is your choice. If down the line you do want help, then tell me and we start with a clean slate. He's chosen to let things go and he doesn't tell me he can't hear properly. It saddens me that he's missing out when it could be as simple as having his ears syringed. But it is better than the arguments we were having when I was frustrated and he dug in his toes. He has to be free to make his own choices all the time he can. When I don't agree with them I try to think about the choices I make that he doesn't agree with. Each to our own as long as we can, and sadly it can frustrate and hurt the other when they see the choice as wrong.

@dragonbait I am 63. Caretsker to 91 year od father who has passed this year. I agree with you. The best is for our parents to be as independant as they wish. Our duty is to check on them everyday once even twice a day. Love them incondioionaly. As long as they are safe. This is the key.

Opps, sorry about my spelling.

Dementia and stubbornness go hand in hand. My mom is 73 and still walks back and forth to the restroom but everywhere else it's the wheelchair. She hasn't walked in years she was never much for exercise not paying the price with poor circulation. Leg and hip pain. My mom is 241 lbs not easy to cart around in a wheelchair. My suggestion is if you can get to walk that's great but if not don't argue with dementia. Pick your battles wisely.Will be praying for more willingness from your mom. Love to all

Sometimes it depends on the existing relationship between the person and the caregiver. For example my mother was caring for my grandmother, my grandmother was in a semi-assisted living facility and was to the point where she needed to use a cane or a walker of some kind. Even though she was in her 80s at the time, she was resistant because of embarrassment and the older silver walkers, that people put the tennis balls on two of the feet, wasn't attractive to her. However, I, her grandchild who lives out of state, she would listen to. I did not ask. I went to Walmart and bought one of those walkers with the seat for her. It was a dark metallic blue ( her favorite color). I assembled it and told her that I would not take her anywhere unless she used it. And lo and behold, she began to use it. She turned into a trendsetter for her facility several others who live there got one after she did. So possibly someone that she will listen to may have a better chance at getting her to use a cane or something. Just a thought.

In working with the elderly of this generation I have noticed so many are in denial about the aging process. Sometimes the idea of hearing aids and walkers seems to trigger a kind of panic in them. I've even heard a few say things like, "That stuff is for old people!" It is as if there is a sort of shame associated with aging for them and to be seen walking with a cane or a walker would feel humiliating.

On the other hand, there are elders who want to be more dependent on others and resist assistive devices such as walkers, canes and hearing aids to get more attention from their caregivers. In your mom's case that seems to be the idea. She'd rather you push her in a wheelchair than exert the effort to walk. She'd rather you have to yell at her or come close to talk to her than get hearing aids. I've seem some elders use their lack of hearing as an excuse to not go out of the house; can't hear at church, so why go? Won't go to the senior center because she can't hear what anyone's saying, etc...Allowing her to get more and more dependent on you is not a good idea. Remember the old saying, "Use it or lose it"? In old age it is SOOOOO true. If she stops walking on outings, she'll eventually lose strength in her legs, then she'l have a hard time going from sitting to standing and won't even be able to go to the toilet by herself. Encourage her to do more for herself by refusing to do it for her. It is hard to watch them struggle and not step in to help, but sometimes you have to just sit on your hands and let them do things on their own--even if it takes them a long time to get it done.

SacFol, that was a wonderful idea. It makes me think of the fancy cains with flowers for ladies and the cool carved walking stick the men like. There are a lot of cool looking aids out there maybe one of those would be better received. I went into Binsons a large medical supply store and the choices were endless, even a hot pink scooter. These make them feel special when people notice its to compliment them on " that cool cain". Worth a try.

This worked with my mother, who had no dementia and wasn't THAT stubborn. Maybe worth a try.
"Yes, you don't really need the cane right now, but if you can get used to it now, and learn how to use it now, while you are younger and stronger, it will work better if you do need it in the future." She agreed, and I'm sure it saved her a few falls. She walked a mile the day before she died.

Also threaten them with a commode or a bedpan. "If you don't stay strong, you will be pooping in a bucket for someone else to clean up."

There's no guarantee anything will work. Have courage, my friend.

We have been there for 10 years for my mother. Vstefans is exactly right. They won't admit they need help because they won't accept, let alone admit they are old. It is not easy. You do what you can, but there is no forcing a senior, especially one with dementia. Mom has been her own worst enemy for 20 years. She either argued or agreed and then did exactly what she wanted.

As I was healing from a broken and replaced hip, it became necessary for me to use a walker. I didn't want to use it when I was shopping as it was awkward. However, I reconsidered when I determined that other folks in the store would see the walker and not expect me t go speeding through the aisles, or would not crowd me as I gimped along.
Perhaps suggesting to your loved one that the walker would actually help others to be more careful in her presence, thereby making it safer for her would persuade her to use a walker or at least a cane.
There are walkers that have armrests, because that is what mine had.

I see the same thing with my mom, who is 82 but does not have dementia. She just can't accept that she's aging and needs help in the form of devices (like a bath chair) or people. Instead, she simply avoids the things (like bathing) that she can't do without assistance.

dragonbait---I imagine all these responses are difficult for you to see and I am sorry. While I respect that my 95-year old Aunt has a right to live her life and make her own choices, her past bad decisions affects the only family member left—me. My Aunt had a great deal of money and would accept no help managing anything. After her husband died she had the money to go into a perfectly beautiful step-down facility that was only 1/2 mile from me and back then, my Mom and Dad (her brother). She would have started with her own apartment and still have her car. But she said NO, she didn’t want to go into a nursing home. We visited several so that she could see the kind of place available and she still said NO. Now, 10 years later she has spent all the money, has fallen many times and is living in my home because she doesn't want to go to a facility. When she moved in here I could have refused but I love her and I know how against a NH she is and the fears she has surrounding it. Had I known then what I know now about the challenges of being a caregiver, I would not have agreed. And, now with her sight almost gone and her hearing almost gone, there isn’t much for her to do. Had she gone into that beautiful facility she would have people around her all the time and plenty of activities. The sad thing is, when she does have to go, and she will because I cannot care for her 24/7 and there is no money for hiring help, I don't know what kind of place they will put her in as she will be on Medicaid. So, rainbow22, though you must recognize your Mom’s right to make her own choices, you can begin to set your boundaries NOW. Listen to the sage advice given here about how to begin taking care of yourself in this process. Because if you think it is difficult now, multiply that by 10 and you are taking a look into your future. I love my Aunt but regret making this commitment. I truly had no idea what I was agreeing to.

I knew my mom had some dementia but it was really no big deal, she still did everything she always did. I realized that the dementia was worse then I thought when she told me she was bathing and I knew she wasn't. My sister would run her a bubble bath and wait outside the bathroom then tell me mom took a bath. Wrong! She had the same makeup smear on her cheek the next day and she didn't smell clean. This is when we discovered that my forgot what she needed to do to take a bath. Once I started helping her she was s new person and so appreciative of the help. Sometimes I think that the things we have been doing forever just don't come that easily anymore with the elderly. Was it fear if water, fear of falling, not being able to get out of the tub or just forgetfulness, I will never know. This incident made me realize that it wasn't that mom just wouldn't take a bath, but rather she forgot how to do it. This changed my whole perspective of what was to come and how i handled it. I know it isn't easy but try and be patient😊.

Beenthere60, I am so sorry for you that you are having to go through this difficult time and facing the future prospect of more difficulties. I would though like to try to give you an idea of what it might have been like for your Aunt 10 years ago.
8 years ago my soul mate died very unexpectedly, I was becoming increasingly disabled and could not access the 1st floor of our 3 bedroom terrace house I knew that he was a hoarder and until 4 years after his death I had no idea how bad the upstairs was. My only family was my sister who was not in the country and our friends sadly resembled snowflakes in summer following the funeral.
Gradually I got less able to care for myself, our home was old and the electrics started to fail so that only some sockets worked and no lights. The boiler failed so no central heating (I did have coal fire in main room) or hot running water. I lived like this for 2 years, I was so overwhelmed I had no idea how to start to change things and I was so grief stricken I couldn't think of leaving our home.
Finally Social Services (I live in UK) was called by someone and my home of 39 years was declared unfit for human habitation. It totally broke what was left of my heart. I was shown some 1 bedroom flats in sheltered accommodation, with tiny kitchens off the living room because a restaurant was provided on the ground floor so residents didn't need to cook. There was a hairdresser on sight and a multitude of activities available. Those trying to help me saw a beautiful little flat, easy to take care of and with cleaning staff. They saw lots of lovely people for me to spend my time with, and safety because I would be checked on daily.
I saw a prison. A prettily decorated prison, but prison none the less. No pets aloud, yet all my adult live I'd had a dog, a cat or hamster, chameleon, bearded dragon. Now I couldn't even have a goldfish. I like to socialise but I like my own company too, now I'd have people around all the time. I'd lived in a 3 bedroom, 2 reception room house with conservatory + 100' garden. Now not even a window box. Ok. I couldn't care for my house and garden but it was such a huge step for me to accept, I couldn't and I refused to accept a place even though I knew there were only 5 places left.
Instead I lived in one room in a friends flat for 18 months, the relationship became abusive, I was only aloud out of my room to use the bathroom or 10 mins every other day to get food, it turned out my friend was in early stages of dementia.
Once again SS stepped in and I was told that I was running out of options, I looked at a 1 bedroomed ground floor flat (bigger than the sheltered accommodation) I could have one cat. It wasn't suitable then for my disabilities but I said yes and I'm just about managing 2 years on.
My point is I know people thought and still think I was wrong to turn down Prospect Place, I know they saw/see it as a wonderful place and for some it is. But for me it meant saying I was old, accepting that I needed a lot of help just to be. It meant giving up ever having the solace of a pet again. It meant the end of my dreams.
Now I am needing more help to stay in my flat, I'm caring for my widowed BIL who has dementia and my life is harder than it would have been. But I don't regret holding out, luckily I'm not yet being a burden to others. But letting go and facing getting older is not always easy. For me acknowledging my demise and joining my beloved is a heck of a lot easier than getting frailer and more dependent on others. By the way I'm 58 years old and I know from my beloved adopted Grandparents who fought to stay in their home until the end age 86 & 89 letting go doesn't get easier.

Reading these stories, I am so sympathetic to the caregivers. I am also thankful that I made my own decision to come into a Seniors Residence 11 years ago, where I receive wonderful care, but I know before too long I will need LTC. (I am now 92) It is too bad when seniors a re too stubborn,( or mentally impaired) to know when they need help and be grateful for it.

Well, unless we die prematurely, we all reach that point where we'll need a cane, then a walker. then a walk-in bathtub, then prehaps a sanitary pad. Do any of us want this? Certainly not! But we all know the alternative ia six feet under.