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Hi there. When my mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer late last October, I left my home and family in TX to come and help her. She was unwilling to come to TX and stay with me. I knew this would be hard, but according to the doctors, mom had very little time left and I didn't want to add a moving crisis in the midst of this end of life crisis for her.


Mom's condition over the past 7 months has brought her to that end of life place, though at a much slower rate than the medical professionals anticipated. At this point she is bedridden (on a hospital bed in her own living room) with a catheter, and she's only able to move enough to turn in the bed. She doesn't eat, and she barely drinks. She's been like this for about 2 weeks.


She can see me and hear me... but when I speak to her she just stares at me most of the time. When her friends come, she may smile and say one or two words, but when I speak to her she just stares...almost like she's angry.


Sometimes when it's time to squirt the medicine in her mouth, she closes her mouth tightly so I can't squirt it in. She takes a slow release pain medicine (which she must have every 8 hours), an anti-anxiety (that I'll walk away without giving her if she closes her mouth to avoid taking it), and a breakthrough pain med that I only give her if she says something is hurting and there's a lot of time left before her regular pain med is due.


I can't understand it. For the past 7 months she's expressed love and appreciation toward me for being here to care for her so she can be in her own home. While she lies in the bed, in and out of sleep, I speak to her often, keep peaceful music on in the room, etc. But when I ask her a question, even an important question like "does anything hurt" when she moans...she just stares.


I'm heartbroken. I wish I could read her mind.

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I understand exactly what you feel. I went thru this non-verbal thing with my Luz for over a year. The last full sentence she spoke was to repeat what I had just told her and she put it in a question.
No matter what I said to her she would either just stare at me or look away.It had to do with her aphasia. She had trouble finding words and getting the right word to come out of her mouth.
She even quit echoing. Sometimes it would take her a few minutes to answer a question.
It sounds to me like your Mom is going thru a time of aphasia. You can try speech therapy but even that may not help.
I doubt that she is rejecting you as much as she no longer knows how or what to say.
A scan may show some damage to her brain in the area that contributes to speaking.
I would suggest that you just keep talking to her in a normal manner and continue to ensure her that you love her.
Just because she doesn't or can't talk does not mean that she cannot hear and understand what is being said.
I did notice that sometimes Luz would show or do some physical reaction to what I said or did. Like giving her a hug.
I wish you the best of luck with Mom.
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I went through this same thing. I am sorry to think that this is happening to you and your Mom.

This is the hardest trial of your life, it was for me. Thankfully you are not alone.

Just know that somewhere where in there is still your Mom. Though she can no longer articulate her thought, know she appreciates you there.

*hugs*.
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I’m so sorry that you’re losing your mom like this. It must be devastating to have her treat you this way. It’s possible that the drugs have affected her mind. Is she on Hospice? If not, you may want to ask the doctors to call them in. They do not just care for their patient, they’re there for the whole family. They can help you understand why your mom is acting like this. If you have a religious leader, you may want to speak with them as well. Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
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Is she on hospice?
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She rallies for friends, she doesn't need to do that with you. The last two weeks of my Moms life, she shut her eyes, stopped talking and eating. The staff would try to get her up but she fought them so they just left her in bed. Mom probably hears you but just doesn't have the energy to respond. Don't take it personally. I think when they start the dying process, they know and just want to be left alone.

I agree, if you don't have Hospice involved you may want to. They will make sure Mom is kept comfortable.
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Thank you all for your kindness and encouragement. Mom is on Hospice and no sooner did I post this questions, the Hospice social worker called (On a Sunday!) to see if we needed a visit. It was really helpful to talk with her, and it is so helpful to know that this isn't just my mom.. it's common in dying people.

Thank you all again. You are a blessing.
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Tothill May 2019
Just to restate what JoAnn29 said. When my stepdad was dying he could barely muster enough energy to smile. He did not give Mum the smiles, he saved his energy for visitors.

He knew Mum loved him and he loved her, so he did not expend the energy.

Your Mum Is communicating by letting you know she does not want the medication when she shuts her lips. Tell her you understand that she is saying ‘no’ and you will ask again later. Tell her you do not want her to be uncomfortable and will offer it again later.
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It is very common for the dying. They separate and it is so hard for the families. It is no accident that since ancient times they had the expression "turn your face to the wall". My mother, who survived TB in the 20s, worked afterward to try to encourage young people like herself to go on. She said she came to know very clearly when they had given up and chosen to move into another realm, preparing for death. They did separate. I saw this as a nurse as well, and tried to explain to families that it was normal.
You know all you did for her. So does she. She is going now on a journey you cannot take with her. Give her your full support and love to help her on that journey, and my heart goes out to you
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