Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

Power of 3,

Whew, you said a mouthful! My godfather was a sweetheart. Unfortunately, he died much younger than he should have. Heart attack. He looked like a picture of health, not overweight or anything. Always had a smile on his face, just a sweet guy.

My godmother on the other hand was something else! She was a grouchy woman. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why my godfather died before his time!

My godmother ended up having ALZ, macular degeneration which led to blindness so she definitely had her heartaches. She was a widow at a young age raising two sons, so she had her hands full.

Typical of that era she was a housewife. Is that word PC? A homemaker? How about domestic engineer? Hahaha

Anyway, she never acquired a driver’s license, her husband drove everywhere! Even after he died she walked, took the bus or streetcar.

She gave me the same gift every year for my birthday and Christmas, underwear! What kid wants underwear for their gift? LOL, but the polite kid that I was I always said thank you to her.

She eventually went into a nursing home. She would have bruises all over her. It horrified me to see her so badly bruised. She was contrary before ALZ and it only became worse afterwards. When visiting her at the home I did ask why she was covered in bruises. They simply said, “Well you know how she is. She fights us on everything and does not cooperate and she gets violent and we are defending ourselves.” It was sad all around.

She alienated her sons. Pitting one against the other. She didn’t like her oldest son’s wife. She cut him out. The other son lives in California where he is a music professor at the university. So she had no one. I would go see my dad in the hospital, then go see her at the home. She got to the point of not knowing me and continued to be mean to everyone.

I stopped going as often to see her. It totally drained me. So, I get how you feel about your godfather. I felt similar feelings for my godmother.

I have three godchildren. I would never want them to see me the way I saw my godmother.

Of course, dementia has an effect on behavior but my godmother always had a negative personality. I guess my godfather had to be a saint to put up with her! Who knows what that poor man endured privately.

I can say that I never saw him disrespect her publicly. He had too much class for that. Oh boy, she always degraded him. Just sad. She was always a miserable woman. We can feel sorry for them but after awhile it wears us down, doesn’t it?

I like when I see people post that actions can’t be taken personally if the brain is broken. Such a wonderful message. Because it is an irrational thing to do. It really does put it in perspective. These neurological diseases are progressive. It only gets worse. It is heartbreaking for the patient and the caregivers.

No, I won’t do it! I already saw what that looks like. Having my godfather go from 91 yrs old completely independent to “arms painted on” ( yes I’ve coined the phrase lol) he has made a full recovery without me and the taste of caring I got was like shooting my self in the foot daily.
His first mistake was hiding his LTC policy from me, he also so graciously told Dr he could move in with me (said that behind my back too) and that was NEVER the plan. During his stay in rehab I wanted him to get the very best care so everyday I was lotioning his crusty skin and clipping his cheesy toenails and yes it was gross but I thought “ I got this” but then after him getting pampered he decided to stop doing for himself and I was hindering his recovery! He’d decided he’d hide his coverage from me and I’d play puppet and quickly 2 hours become 7 once he got home...menial this menial that just to watch me do it. It was the worst and I got resentful REALLY FAST when I saw he could do plenty for himself and he knows I’ve got radical vascular damage in my neck and upper back.
So I made a promise he could pass at his home like his wife did. That’s exactly what will take place. Between now and then I will hire whoever and order whatever and oversee everything for him, certainly. If he needs to go into a home, bet your a$$ he’s going, he’s paid for LTC for 36 years and he WILL use it whether he likes it or not. And when it’s time... I will bring him home, care for him in every aspect and hold his hand till he goes.
Do I got it in me? I think short term-yes. Do I want to or have to? No!!!! After everything I’ve seen you’all go thru I will spare myself and I’ll probably feel a little guilt but it’s better than hating his guts and despising him and that life for myself. So far he’s tested minor cognitive decline so right now he just makes everything about him a major deal and perhaps his lack of empathy for me and my surgery, could be a Japanese thing? I have to go in December and have my surgery completely done over Grrrr. So I already know how he’s going to be without a broken brain and I’m not doing it!!! No way no how! I can truly say in my heart I am keeping my promise! If I hadn’t found this forum I’d likely be strapped in to a life of servitude at 46 years old for who knows how long so I’ll just say thank you to you’all now. Thank you for saving me ❤️

Thank you for your prayers earlybird.I need all the prayers and support I can get.
Your'e right,it is very difficult learning to live without my Mother here beside me,but I have to continue to try because really,there is no other choice.
I was lucky to have all the extra time with her I know,I just miss her so much and pray she's happy in Heaven with my Dad, laughing and dancing and one day,we'll be back together again.
Thanks for understanding my pain.
Take good care~

What a wonderful daughter you are earlybird~
Your Mother is a big piece of Love,filled with wisdom,like mine was too.
You all are so lucky to still have each other and be together.
God Bless You for all the great care you give her~

If I have my way, I will NEVER have to spend a night in my childhood home. I love my parents, but my mother is a hoarder. There is nowhere to set a suitcase. Out of the 3 extra bedrooms, only one can be slept in and it is slowly filling up as well.
If either of my parents every has mobility issues requiring a walker or wheelchair, they will probably have to come stay with me or one of my 2 sisters. Their shower does not work properly and my mother won't allow anyone into the room to fix it.

I have been taking care of my mother for about eighteen years. I love and respect her tremendously. I do it because I want to, not because I feel obligated. She has been the most wonderful mother to me and the rest of the family. I was and now still very close to her. She brings out the very best in me and always has, I can't say that about everyone in my life. I get comfort knowing I am making a difference in her life and she has great care . She is easy going, says please and thank you, not critical, does not complain, smiles a lot, the kindest person I know, forgiving, and loving and I could go on and on. I think this attitude my mother displays makes it easier for me to care for her to the very best of my ability. I would do it all over again in a heart beat. People absolutely love her, doctors, nurses, strangers. She is my angel here on earth and I thank God I had the privilege and honor to know and love such a beautiful human being I call my mother.

Lealonnie,

I have posted here before but just wanted to add to my original thoughts.

The thing that gets to me is no one sees how a parent acts at home privately when no one is watching. They are sweet as pie to others. They present an image to everyone else that is totally inaccurate!

They also have no qualms about laying on the guilt or shaming, both publicly and privately.

I learned that I never want to do this to my adult children. I treat them with love and respect. I show them gratitude. Perfect? Of course not, but I apologize if I hurt someone and I sincerely mean any apology that I have said. I’m human just like everyone else.

We no longer have any privacy in our own homes. My mom never respected my privacy and she thought it was perfectly okay for her to be secretive about her life even though I only wanted to help her. She became spiteful. Everything had to be her way. She was a perfectionist as long as I can remember.

Sometimes parents misinterpreted how something is meant and feel they are being ‘attacked.’ So they stir up crap and make us look like the bad guy. In reality we did everything to help them. They get offended if we suggest something to help them.

They become ridiculously defensive. It’s sad because I believe this stems from their insecurities. I tried very hard to be understanding of this but we all have our limits of what we can put up with. Both caregivers and parents become impatient at times.

Sometimes they are bored but won’t cooperate by going to a senior community center or participate in other activities. So they take their frustration out on the caregiver.

Sometimes they aren’t completely honest with their doctors and get mad if they are corrected.

They wouldn’t dream of going to talk to a geriatric psychiatrist or any type of therapist that could help them because they are too busy blaming the caregiver and others. They have a million excuses for not going and don’t understand why the caregiver chooses to see a therapist to cope.

My mom even thought it was an insult to her that I chose to speak to a therapist to receive help in order to cope and receive insight about the situation. They take everything very personally, then lash out and make false accusations. I got so sick of misunderstandings.

It can totally ruin the parent/adult child relationship! It did with me. I would never choose to do it again.

I am happy for those who are able to be a caregiver to their parents. I am not going to insult or put anyone down for caring for a parent or spouse. Some are successful in being caregivers. My hat is off to you. Bravo!

To each his own and I totally admire your devotion. I so wanted it to work out in my case but it takes cooperation from caregiver and the parent/spouse.

No one has the power to change anyone else’s actions. I certainly didn’t. God knows that I truly tried to do my very best! I kept feeling as if I failed.

Thank God for therapy where I learned that I am only responsible for my actions and not my mom’s behavior or anyone else’s behavior. The situation failed for various reasons.

Sometimes it’s emotionally hard and it can be physically hard too. Sometimes they need more than we can possibly give.

Caregivers are not robots that are programmed. We are not machines designed to function properly all the time. We are humans. We are unique. We are perfectly imperfect.

Sometimes we needed to be cared for and we were running on empty. We can burn out. We can bottom out. Sometimes it takes hitting the bottom to find our way back up again.

Sometimes we find wonderful compassion from others. Sometimes we don’t. I know the truth and that is what matters the most.

I learned from being hurt what not to do to others so in a way, the hurt is a gift. I choose not to repeat the cycle and I am at peace with my daughters.

NHWM: No problem.

Someone on this forum suggested to me recently that my mom treated us like she was treated; sounds probable. Today I heard a quote: "Constant criticism will not make your children hate you, but hate themselves." Lightbulbs went off like stars exploding! That's it! A lot of truth there. That's why some of us with abusive mothers do not succeed in life, do not make good choices, and cannot put up with additional abuse when the declining parent needs help.

I also think a simply aging parent is a lot different than one with AD.

My mom has mobility issues. I live in a split level with three sets of stairs. Plus I work full time. She has a whole community looking out for her and keeping her entertained. That being said If I lived in a ranch and she didn’t want to be involved in things would I care for her. I don’t know. My mom has AD. She can be mean. She is also depressed. The AL facility has doctors there. They do in house blood work, xrays etc. if she lived with me i would miss a lot if work. I think it would affect my health and my marriage. I wouldn’t get sleep. My mom (in her right mind)never wanted to live with me.

I agree with Emma. HELL NO!!! Don’t have a LO move in with you.

NeedHelpWithMom: Sorry to have misled you. I should have said "I had to wait (as in past tense) to get out of childhood bedroom. And you're right - many were "Brady Bunch" bedrooms -adjacebt bedrooms with BR in between. Or some are shared bedrooms.

No. HELL no. Just...no.

When we started planning and building our current home my father had passed and mom was very independent living home. Husband’s parents with both still living on the family farm and dad was still milking. Additionally husband’s older brother was living but had been in an accident years earlier that left him paralyzed. As we planned the house accommodations were made that if BIL had to move in with us we could convert the office or dining room to his room and the half bath was reconfigured for wheelchair access and we added a handicap shower. Our garage was set up so that a ramp could be easily added. On the 2nd floor the guest room and a bonus room were planned that either my mother or his parents could have an “apartment” with a little modification and the addition of a bath and kitchenette. Plumbing would be accommodated by tapping into existing adjacent bathrooms. Alas the time never came as BIL passed after a 7 year fight with infections, we lost MIL 3 months later in 2000. We managed with the help of her sister to keep my mother in her home until a couple of weeks of her passing in 2007. FIL was the last and unfortunately he slipped quickly into the need for memory care before passing in 2010. All the provisions we made will be there for us as we age and hopefully make it easier to age in place.

I cared for my Mom & Step-dad, long distance, for almost 20 years. They lived on the coast of S.C., I 'm in the upper part. It's a 3 1/2, 4 hour drive, each way. I drove down to them two times a week - leave at daylight, back home at midnight. I did all shopping, all Dr. appts., cleaned house, laundry, did all pharmacy runs, paid all household expenses. Arranged running tab with local drugstore, paid that every month. Made sure fridge/freezer stayed full, stuff easy to fix. Always left $200 cash, just in case. Twice a week, I did this. Had a wonderful neighbor that visited every day, to keep tabs. I called every day to check on them. The last words my Mother ever said to me was, "You didn't do nearly enough for us." That's WHY they did not live with me. I continued to do this for step-dad for 3 more years after Mom went home. I gave the neighbor everything, lock stock and barrel when he passed away.

NeedhelpWithMom.. It's not strange at all to be living in my parents home they built over 60 years ago.I love it and it would break my heart if I ever had to leave it.There are wonderful memories in every room.I just wish my folks were still here with me.

NeedHelpWithMom: Definitely. Not so strange in childhood bedroom. Just waiting to get out of it... So sorry that you share a room.

After reading several other answers "dear, sweet mom", etc. I must add another comment to my previous post. Remember, there was no reliable birth control in our mothers' day. Married people were expected to have children. ("Why did they have us?") My own mother had us (two, then not able to have more) to please our dad, and frequently reminded us what a burden we were. After we were out of the toddler stage, my dad didn't care much for kids. Quite the different experience from children who were wanted and cherished.

No. Both are gone now, but I would never have let either parent live in my home. My mother was abusive toward me, but not my brother, who was her favorite (Ok by me, btw). I never held that against her, just didn't understand it when I was younger. So my brother took care of my mother (and abused HER in some ways), but she would never admit it or report it. Growing up, my dad didn't care about anyone except himself, so my brother walked off when it came time to care for him. I took care of our dad, cared for him, made sure was safe, had proper care and everything he needed, but did not allow him to live with me. If I had it to over, however, I would have fought my brother in court to take care of our mom b/c I discovered he had withheld medical care and pain meds from her, and had taken everything away from her, including her beloved organ before she no longer wanted it. (Why?) But still, no, not allow her to live with me either.

NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you so much! You're right - most or at least some people wouldn't have been able to do that. And we had many other options that we had tried. AL in my state (my son in law's paternal grandmother lived in one and she and my mother would have hit it off/were similar in character). Senior housing apartments (she had to put her name on a list, her name comes to top of list, she declined and didn't put her name back on the list), she said "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." I said "That leaves us in a quandary." The deciding factor was not that she was living alone, was legally blind, had A-fib, CHF, arthritis, incontinent both ways. The deciding factor was EXTREMELY low blood pressure, which made the split second decision of my living there. Got to sleep in my childhood bedroom at 67 years of age.

The only pro -  my sister and I were willing to have her live my sister after my dad died;  she refused to live with son in law and give up her belongings.  So the pro only lasted about 1 month;  The con for me: 1.  I live 300 miles from my mother and would end up taking her away from her friends and familiar surroundings and doctors;  2.  I have discussed this with my sister - I have a townhouse and both bedroom are upstairs.  It would be okay for a couple more years provided she wait until I come home from work to go upstairs, but eventually my living room would have to be turned into her bedroom;  3.  We don't get along, never have.  The con for my sister:  it would destroy her marriage.  I agree, my sister deserves to be able to live and enjoy her own retired life.  Note:  My parents did not plan for retirement and her income with no assets, is $200 over qualification for MediCal.  Advice to you all -  make sure you plan for retirement.  Don't assume your children will make enough money to help support your elder years.

I did and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I would have to do the same thing again to be able to live with myself! If raising me didn't earn any rights for my parent to collect when they too needed care, then why bother to have me at all? I am of the mindset that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand; and that if one has rights, they also have responsibilities. It's hard to keep in mind that the very problem we so much believe is not ours today has a way of becoming our problem tomorrow because eventually it's our turn to be in their shoes. And then who among us will be happy to be in a facility? I realize that it is not possible for everyone to care for their parent and it's not possible for every parent to stay in their own home, but so many of our parents could and would stay in their own living environment if they had help. And that type of help doesn't fall to their adult children alone, but to the society as a whole in terms of resources and services to make it possible.

"Will" and "am doing this". Everyone has their own story and no one way works for all - life is not a one size fits all, fortunately and unfortunately.

My story... I have been taking care of my sweet Parkinson's ridden, Alzheimer's and dementia stricken 89 year old mother for over four years in my home. She moved in a month after my husband and I married. She has very limited mobility, can't communicate, wears diapers, doesn't know my name, etc. With both my husband and I being married previously and having raised our children, alas we got another one... aka my mother. It has been the hardest thing I have done in my life. I have always worked outside the home and truly enjoy working, being around other people and contributing, but have not done so in over a year. I have a private caregiver come five hours a day, five days per week - I handle mornings, evenings and weekends (unfortunately the same time periods I have to spend with my husband) and this is by far the most difficult thing I have done in my life and yes, there are times when I close my eyes and imagine putting her in a home and me regaining my life, but I always open my eyes and realize that the best place for my mom is with us. She is always surrounded by love and doesn't want for anything and she deserves that. But again, there are those times where I just don't think that I can do this any longer. We don't really talk about caring for our aging parents with each other (thank goodness for this board) and most of us don't receive any education in caregiving so it can be so overwhelming when it happens and to top it off, we have no end time frame that we can mark days off as they occur to see the progression.

My own personal thoughts are that your life is not really your own, it belongs to all of those in your circle (be thankful you have a circle). In the end, you have to look in the mirror at yourself and like the decisions that the person you see made. My retired brother who lives 250 miles away and saw our mother one time last year and doesn't call her or send a card does not seem to have any issues looking at himself and we were raised the same. Go figure.

My mother's finances are such that she could afford a comfortable care home for a few years, but then she could very well outlive her finances and then we would bring her here again (no government run home for her please) and start over at square one, which she won't remember and I'll long have tried to put out of my memory). So, at this point, here is where she will stay. I pray our Lord takes her in her sleep soon before her final demise becomes a painful turmoil for her and those that love her.

I have told my daughter when the time comes, if it does indeed come, not to care for me in her home...she has my blessing to put me in as nice a home as my finances allow, come see me every now and then, and go...live her life and live it well.

Its such a personal decision, but there are choices and options.

Blessings caregivers!!

My poor, old dad....needed more and more care as he grew older and less robust. My mother couldn't take care of him as she was already legally, not blonde, ok..heh....but legally Blind. She lost her license to drive, and wasn't able to do much due to her absence of central vision.
I had just a year before, returned to my beloved, adopted home state of Arizona, so I was out of the picture, mostly, and didn't really understand that Dad had to be placed in a senior care facility, of which I knew nothing.
Next thing I learn is a phone call from Mother....Dad had passed. No one, apparently, was there with him....very sad indeed.
Life changed for me then....I realized that Mother needed help. So, I began to live in both places....she was in California, so an 8 hour drive got me to her. I would live with her for 2-3 weeks, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Then I'd return home for a out 10 days to help my husband with the cats, as he was working full time then.
I did this dual life for about 2 1/2 years....then my sister list her job and her home, needed work and a place. So, Mother and I have her what we could....I was working as a paid caregiver, I gave that position to my sister. My mother welcomed my sister to come live there with her.
It went well, at first. Then things went south....they didn't get along so well, and my sister found out that she's no caregiver....she told me that herself.
Long story short, we had a blow up....and in a few months, my husband and I moved Mother from California to Arizona....with us. I wouldn't even EVER consider placing my dear, sweet mom in a rest home or nursing facility!! No way!! We lived together....she was always my dear earth angel....I love her so much....I did my absolute utmost to take the best care of her, in Jesus name....He was with me...and gave me the grace to do my utmost for Him. I have zero regrets, but one. I was unable to return my mother to her beloved Redondo Beach....😥. I didn't have a million bucks to do it for her, still don't. But, if I had the money, you can be sure I would've gotten her a final home in Redondo. That is my only regret. She deserved Everything, and more....she's the most wonderful woman that God ever made, and I was deeply blessed to have had her as my mother, and best friend for as long as I did.
Our mothers gave us their all....they chose Life for us! And sacrificed everything for us.....the least we can do for them is come alongside and help them, and love them when they are old, feeble and weak. It's the very least we can do! I wish I could do it all over again. God bless all of you dedicated caregivers!

My situation is slightly different. My father who is 83 with vascular dementia owns his own home. I do not own a home and i live here in the same house but i have my own self contained studio in the house so i dont have to share anything with him. . As he is the sole owner he has a right to stay in his own house, but as he gets worse which he is doing and refuses to go into care, tells the carers that i have arranged to go away its very difficult. This is further made more difficult because he is narcissistic and argumentative. We are also in a way like oil and water. The only reason i live here is because i run the letting business (we rent out the whole upstairs of the 8 bedroom house) Its expensive to buy a property. Cant afford it.

The parent must be willing to move. Mine was not. I moved in with her 7 states from my own.

Probably different for different people. I willingly took this on. I have 2 siblings. I am now in my 26th year of looking after my 101 year old mother. At first I was happy to do it and felt like it was a way to give back. She has been an amazing mother to us all our lives. My siblings have done NOTHING. They visit once a month for about 10 min IF Mom is lucky. Never ask if we need anything, never offer to help with the house or yard work, never bring a meal etc. I have no time to myself ever. When Mom sleeps I rush out to grocery shop. My friends have disappeared. When i bring up that I need a break or help, siblings change the subject. I had no idea that I'd end up here at 70 years old and broken down in every way. My Mom has no memory, no hearing, poor eyesight, incontinence, fractured a hip a few months ago- has heart problems, needs special meals, bedridden, etc etc . Every day is more than I can handle and there is no way to change anything. Any time I bring up the need for a break or for help, they change the subject. They have no idea how draining every single day is because they have never done a day. Both siblings go on many vacations every year with no thought whatsoever to me or Mom. I cry every single night. Just sharing so you will consider that it seems very different at the beginning and can morph into something you never expected. We need to honor and respect our parents but we need to be able to live our lives too. They have a lot of needs and get needier and needier. I couldn't place Mom where I couldn't know she'd be loved- too many stories from care homes that horrify me. Perhaps a mistake to have taken on full 24/7 care, but on the plus side, I've learned a great deal about the elderly, and myself. Just things to think about.

I am addressing worriedincalis story about how her MIL always gave special consideration to her SIL and commented that it was a wife's duty to do something special for their husbands birthdays.

I have a friend that is probably close to your MILs age and she says: a daughter's your daughter all her life, your son's your son until he takes a wife.

I think that they take that to extremes and that is why daughters are expected to give up their lives to care for aging parents.

Your story made me think of this.

Great answers here. My situation is I am a single, recently retired woman with no children. I live alone in a small home, no debts, ready to enjoy my hard earned retirement volunteering and traveling. Mom has told me for years she didn’t want her kids to have to take care of her the way my aunt did their mother. Unfortunately neither parent had expectations of living to their 90’s or planned for the expenses of maintaining a home.
I spent the last 10 years helping my aging parents with bills, organizing repairs, home help, cleaners etc. as well as contributing to their finances. After Dad died Mom wanted to stay in the large family home but with health issues, isolation, lack of transportation, and a home needing expensive repairs we were concerned that she was not safe living alone, nor could she afford to live that way. Her expenses were larger than her income.
She stayed with me for a few weeks after her last hospital stay so I could assess if she was able to take care of herself. It was not a happy experience. My home is too small for her medical equipment, she was timing her meds to suit herself, watched TV all day long, talked non-stop when I was home, didn’t like the food I prepared. There was a constant stream of PT workers, nurses, home aids etc for her post op recovery. I was miserable.
Every time I left the house she was alone so I had to worry about that. She had a medical alert bracelet but couldn’t figure out how to unlock my doors! She has a cell phone but keeps turning the volume down when she slips it in her pocket and didn’t answer when I called.
I will admit that I am too selfish to want to take on the 24/7 care an elderly person requires. It really is nonstop. Yes, she took care of me when I was a child but she was a healthy young woman, I am 65 and beginning to have my own health concerns. I am beginning the process of finding a new place to live, to step down to a condo or senior apartment for myself so I don’t have to worry about yard work or maintenance of a home.
Long story here but Mom was persuaded to try Assisted Living for a few weeks. We visited several places, she chose the one she felt most comfortable in and after a year has settled in. She has company when she wants it, activities and games, meals, laundry and housekeeping, etc. as well as 24/7 assistance if needed. Best of all she is taking her meds as ordered under the supervision of a nurse. We sold her big house and the funds are paying her bills.
I am still on call for hair appointments, errands, shopping, bill paying and often feel like her personal assistant! But now I can visit, chat, reminisce and enjoy her company then go out and live my life.