Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

No. Both are gone now, but I would never have let either parent live in my home. My mother was abusive toward me, but not my brother, who was her favorite (Ok by me, btw). I never held that against her, just didn't understand it when I was younger. So my brother took care of my mother (and abused HER in some ways), but she would never admit it or report it. Growing up, my dad didn't care about anyone except himself, so my brother walked off when it came time to care for him. I took care of our dad, cared for him, made sure was safe, had proper care and everything he needed, but did not allow him to live with me. If I had it to over, however, I would have fought my brother in court to take care of our mom b/c I discovered he had withheld medical care and pain meds from her, and had taken everything away from her, including her beloved organ before she no longer wanted it. (Why?) But still, no, not allow her to live with me either.

After reading several other answers "dear, sweet mom", etc. I must add another comment to my previous post. Remember, there was no reliable birth control in our mothers' day. Married people were expected to have children. ("Why did they have us?") My own mother had us (two, then not able to have more) to please our dad, and frequently reminded us what a burden we were. After we were out of the toddler stage, my dad didn't care much for kids. Quite the different experience from children who were wanted and cherished.

NeedHelpWithMom: Definitely. Not so strange in childhood bedroom. Just waiting to get out of it... So sorry that you share a room.

NeedhelpWithMom.. It's not strange at all to be living in my parents home they built over 60 years ago.I love it and it would break my heart if I ever had to leave it.There are wonderful memories in every room.I just wish my folks were still here with me.

I cared for my Mom & Step-dad, long distance, for almost 20 years. They lived on the coast of S.C., I 'm in the upper part. It's a 3 1/2, 4 hour drive, each way. I drove down to them two times a week - leave at daylight, back home at midnight. I did all shopping, all Dr. appts., cleaned house, laundry, did all pharmacy runs, paid all household expenses. Arranged running tab with local drugstore, paid that every month. Made sure fridge/freezer stayed full, stuff easy to fix. Always left $200 cash, just in case. Twice a week, I did this. Had a wonderful neighbor that visited every day, to keep tabs. I called every day to check on them. The last words my Mother ever said to me was, "You didn't do nearly enough for us." That's WHY they did not live with me. I continued to do this for step-dad for 3 more years after Mom went home. I gave the neighbor everything, lock stock and barrel when he passed away.

When we started planning and building our current home my father had passed and mom was very independent living home. Husband’s parents with both still living on the family farm and dad was still milking. Additionally husband’s older brother was living but had been in an accident years earlier that left him paralyzed. As we planned the house accommodations were made that if BIL had to move in with us we could convert the office or dining room to his room and the half bath was reconfigured for wheelchair access and we added a handicap shower. Our garage was set up so that a ramp could be easily added. On the 2nd floor the guest room and a bonus room were planned that either my mother or his parents could have an “apartment” with a little modification and the addition of a bath and kitchenette. Plumbing would be accommodated by tapping into existing adjacent bathrooms. Alas the time never came as BIL passed after a 7 year fight with infections, we lost MIL 3 months later in 2000. We managed with the help of her sister to keep my mother in her home until a couple of weeks of her passing in 2007. FIL was the last and unfortunately he slipped quickly into the need for memory care before passing in 2010. All the provisions we made will be there for us as we age and hopefully make it easier to age in place.

No. HELL no. Just...no.

NeedHelpWithMom: Sorry to have misled you. I should have said "I had to wait (as in past tense) to get out of childhood bedroom. And you're right - many were "Brady Bunch" bedrooms -adjacebt bedrooms with BR in between. Or some are shared bedrooms.

I agree with Emma. HELL NO!!! Don’t have a LO move in with you.

My mom has mobility issues. I live in a split level with three sets of stairs. Plus I work full time. She has a whole community looking out for her and keeping her entertained. That being said If I lived in a ranch and she didn’t want to be involved in things would I care for her. I don’t know. My mom has AD. She can be mean. She is also depressed. The AL facility has doctors there. They do in house blood work, xrays etc. if she lived with me i would miss a lot if work. I think it would affect my health and my marriage. I wouldn’t get sleep. My mom (in her right mind)never wanted to live with me.

I also think a simply aging parent is a lot different than one with AD.

Someone on this forum suggested to me recently that my mom treated us like she was treated; sounds probable. Today I heard a quote: "Constant criticism will not make your children hate you, but hate themselves." Lightbulbs went off like stars exploding! That's it! A lot of truth there. That's why some of us with abusive mothers do not succeed in life, do not make good choices, and cannot put up with additional abuse when the declining parent needs help.

NHWM: No problem.

Lealonnie,

I have posted here before but just wanted to add to my original thoughts.

The thing that gets to me is no one sees how a parent acts at home privately when no one is watching. They are sweet as pie to others. They present an image to everyone else that is totally inaccurate!

They also have no qualms about laying on the guilt or shaming, both publicly and privately.

I learned that I never want to do this to my adult children. I treat them with love and respect. I show them gratitude. Perfect? Of course not, but I apologize if I hurt someone and I sincerely mean any apology that I have said. I’m human just like everyone else.

We no longer have any privacy in our own homes. My mom never respected my privacy and she thought it was perfectly okay for her to be secretive about her life even though I only wanted to help her. She became spiteful. Everything had to be her way. She was a perfectionist as long as I can remember.

Sometimes parents misinterpreted how something is meant and feel they are being ‘attacked.’ So they stir up crap and make us look like the bad guy. In reality we did everything to help them. They get offended if we suggest something to help them.

They become ridiculously defensive. It’s sad because I believe this stems from their insecurities. I tried very hard to be understanding of this but we all have our limits of what we can put up with. Both caregivers and parents become impatient at times.

Sometimes they are bored but won’t cooperate by going to a senior community center or participate in other activities. So they take their frustration out on the caregiver.

Sometimes they aren’t completely honest with their doctors and get mad if they are corrected.

They wouldn’t dream of going to talk to a geriatric psychiatrist or any type of therapist that could help them because they are too busy blaming the caregiver and others. They have a million excuses for not going and don’t understand why the caregiver chooses to see a therapist to cope.

My mom even thought it was an insult to her that I chose to speak to a therapist to receive help in order to cope and receive insight about the situation. They take everything very personally, then lash out and make false accusations. I got so sick of misunderstandings.

It can totally ruin the parent/adult child relationship! It did with me. I would never choose to do it again.

I am happy for those who are able to be a caregiver to their parents. I am not going to insult or put anyone down for caring for a parent or spouse. Some are successful in being caregivers. My hat is off to you. Bravo!

To each his own and I totally admire your devotion. I so wanted it to work out in my case but it takes cooperation from caregiver and the parent/spouse.

No one has the power to change anyone else’s actions. I certainly didn’t. God knows that I truly tried to do my very best! I kept feeling as if I failed.

Thank God for therapy where I learned that I am only responsible for my actions and not my mom’s behavior or anyone else’s behavior. The situation failed for various reasons.

Sometimes it’s emotionally hard and it can be physically hard too. Sometimes they need more than we can possibly give.

Caregivers are not robots that are programmed. We are not machines designed to function properly all the time. We are humans. We are unique. We are perfectly imperfect.

Sometimes we needed to be cared for and we were running on empty. We can burn out. We can bottom out. Sometimes it takes hitting the bottom to find our way back up again.

Sometimes we find wonderful compassion from others. Sometimes we don’t. I know the truth and that is what matters the most.

I learned from being hurt what not to do to others so in a way, the hurt is a gift. I choose not to repeat the cycle and I am at peace with my daughters.

I have been taking care of my mother for about eighteen years. I love and respect her tremendously. I do it because I want to, not because I feel obligated. She has been the most wonderful mother to me and the rest of the family. I was and now still very close to her. She brings out the very best in me and always has, I can't say that about everyone in my life. I get comfort knowing I am making a difference in her life and she has great care . She is easy going, says please and thank you, not critical, does not complain, smiles a lot, the kindest person I know, forgiving, and loving and I could go on and on. I think this attitude my mother displays makes it easier for me to care for her to the very best of my ability. I would do it all over again in a heart beat. People absolutely love her, doctors, nurses, strangers. She is my angel here on earth and I thank God I had the privilege and honor to know and love such a beautiful human being I call my mother.

If I have my way, I will NEVER have to spend a night in my childhood home. I love my parents, but my mother is a hoarder. There is nowhere to set a suitcase. Out of the 3 extra bedrooms, only one can be slept in and it is slowly filling up as well.
If either of my parents every has mobility issues requiring a walker or wheelchair, they will probably have to come stay with me or one of my 2 sisters. Their shower does not work properly and my mother won't allow anyone into the room to fix it.

What a wonderful daughter you are earlybird~
Your Mother is a big piece of Love,filled with wisdom,like mine was too.
You all are so lucky to still have each other and be together.
God Bless You for all the great care you give her~

Thank you for your prayers earlybird.I need all the prayers and support I can get.
Your'e right,it is very difficult learning to live without my Mother here beside me,but I have to continue to try because really,there is no other choice.
I was lucky to have all the extra time with her I know,I just miss her so much and pray she's happy in Heaven with my Dad, laughing and dancing and one day,we'll be back together again.
Thanks for understanding my pain.
Take good care~

No, I won’t do it! I already saw what that looks like. Having my godfather go from 91 yrs old completely independent to “arms painted on” ( yes I’ve coined the phrase lol) he has made a full recovery without me and the taste of caring I got was like shooting my self in the foot daily.
His first mistake was hiding his LTC policy from me, he also so graciously told Dr he could move in with me (said that behind my back too) and that was NEVER the plan. During his stay in rehab I wanted him to get the very best care so everyday I was lotioning his crusty skin and clipping his cheesy toenails and yes it was gross but I thought “ I got this” but then after him getting pampered he decided to stop doing for himself and I was hindering his recovery! He’d decided he’d hide his coverage from me and I’d play puppet and quickly 2 hours become 7 once he got home...menial this menial that just to watch me do it. It was the worst and I got resentful REALLY FAST when I saw he could do plenty for himself and he knows I’ve got radical vascular damage in my neck and upper back.
So I made a promise he could pass at his home like his wife did. That’s exactly what will take place. Between now and then I will hire whoever and order whatever and oversee everything for him, certainly. If he needs to go into a home, bet your a$$ he’s going, he’s paid for LTC for 36 years and he WILL use it whether he likes it or not. And when it’s time... I will bring him home, care for him in every aspect and hold his hand till he goes.
Do I got it in me? I think short term-yes. Do I want to or have to? No!!!! After everything I’ve seen you’all go thru I will spare myself and I’ll probably feel a little guilt but it’s better than hating his guts and despising him and that life for myself. So far he’s tested minor cognitive decline so right now he just makes everything about him a major deal and perhaps his lack of empathy for me and my surgery, could be a Japanese thing? I have to go in December and have my surgery completely done over Grrrr. So I already know how he’s going to be without a broken brain and I’m not doing it!!! No way no how! I can truly say in my heart I am keeping my promise! If I hadn’t found this forum I’d likely be strapped in to a life of servitude at 46 years old for who knows how long so I’ll just say thank you to you’all now. Thank you for saving me ❤️

Power of 3,

Whew, you said a mouthful! My godfather was a sweetheart. Unfortunately, he died much younger than he should have. Heart attack. He looked like a picture of health, not overweight or anything. Always had a smile on his face, just a sweet guy.

My godmother on the other hand was something else! She was a grouchy woman. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why my godfather died before his time!

My godmother ended up having ALZ, macular degeneration which led to blindness so she definitely had her heartaches. She was a widow at a young age raising two sons, so she had her hands full.

Typical of that era she was a housewife. Is that word PC? A homemaker? How about domestic engineer? Hahaha

Anyway, she never acquired a driver’s license, her husband drove everywhere! Even after he died she walked, took the bus or streetcar.

She gave me the same gift every year for my birthday and Christmas, underwear! What kid wants underwear for their gift? LOL, but the polite kid that I was I always said thank you to her.

She eventually went into a nursing home. She would have bruises all over her. It horrified me to see her so badly bruised. She was contrary before ALZ and it only became worse afterwards. When visiting her at the home I did ask why she was covered in bruises. They simply said, “Well you know how she is. She fights us on everything and does not cooperate and she gets violent and we are defending ourselves.” It was sad all around.

She alienated her sons. Pitting one against the other. She didn’t like her oldest son’s wife. She cut him out. The other son lives in California where he is a music professor at the university. So she had no one. I would go see my dad in the hospital, then go see her at the home. She got to the point of not knowing me and continued to be mean to everyone.

I stopped going as often to see her. It totally drained me. So, I get how you feel about your godfather. I felt similar feelings for my godmother.

I have three godchildren. I would never want them to see me the way I saw my godmother.

Of course, dementia has an effect on behavior but my godmother always had a negative personality. I guess my godfather had to be a saint to put up with her! Who knows what that poor man endured privately.

I can say that I never saw him disrespect her publicly. He had too much class for that. Oh boy, she always degraded him. Just sad. She was always a miserable woman. We can feel sorry for them but after awhile it wears us down, doesn’t it?

I like when I see people post that actions can’t be taken personally if the brain is broken. Such a wonderful message. Because it is an irrational thing to do. It really does put it in perspective. These neurological diseases are progressive. It only gets worse. It is heartbreaking for the patient and the caregivers.