It's a game many elderly play. Both ends against the middle. Somehow they may think turmoil in the family will benifit them. Another caregiver offered an answer once: "Caregiver resentment". The elderly hate that they cannot do for themselves any longer & hate the one who does do for them. Crazy but true. The "all about me" syndrome is quite common. Narcissistic behavior for whatever reason is cold and hateful, but it happens. You can wear yourself out trying to defend yourself. Pick your battles, but understand that false accusations could lead to legal battles. Watch your backside & be careful.
There are a million reasons to complain. Sometimes people literally don't have anything else to do that comes with the same "charge". Having something to complain about feels better than having nothing going on at all. Adult children in families that have grown apart often relate more to the aging parent than to each other, or relate to each other mostly "through" the aging parent rather than on their own as independent adults. This complicates things when eldercare or estate decisions have to be made that involve everyone. Whether you like them or not, you are all related through this elder, your individual decisions affect each other, and you're better off if you cultivate your relationships in the group. Having the elder do this sort of nonsense can be a wake-up call to pay attention, yourself, to both your relationships and the flow of information. You can just let her complain but you will be sorry if people are influenced in a way that complicates your future decision-making. That said, DON'T waste time defending yourself. By that I mean, don't RESPOND to her complaints, especially not second-hand complaints! It's a waste of time and drags you into an endless so-and-so-said -that-so-and-so-said..... Just keep taking care of business, but do add the extra step of making sure that all stakeholders are kept in the loop. That's good relationship management, it protects you, and it will only help in the end. One very simple and very powerful thing to do is this: create an email group in your address book that includes all the siblings and people interested at that level (anybody else, you can ignore). When something's up, or you've taken an action, just notify everyone at once. In your first group email, explain that you're doing this because you just want to keep people in the loop. Like in business, transparency is really powerful. I recommended this to a family that was beginning to fight over how money was being spent on eldercare -- the granddaughter was threatening to sue her mother over how her mother was spending money on the grandmother! I said, "Don't waste time getting hung up on the fact that your lousy daughter is making nasty accusations. You're already keeping good financial records, as anyone should do who's handling someone else's money; now just periodically -- preferably pretty often! -- send those accounts to your suspicious daughter. If you account for every freaking blueberry muffin by email for a while, she'll see what she needs to see and things will quiet down." And they did.
Makes you angry, doesn't it? What REALLY urks me is when the ones they are telling these lies to take THEIR side and start in on you too. I don't have that problem any longer as I BLEW UP on the ones questioning me, and my reaction included the owrds, "This job is ready for occupancy, anybody ready to take over, I will gladly step aside." I have told my Mom if she had to depend on the ones she was complining to, she would be talking to them from the inside of a nursing home because THEY would place her in one before she could blink.
My mother-in-law complains about a few things on a constant basis. She does not however complain to me about them because I've heard it all before, know the circumstances, and ignore it. BUT when she has the ears of someone that doesn't know what's going on, she'll complain till the cows come home. She doesn't get the sympathy from those closest to her, so she'll reach out to family that is NOT hands on. I really don't care at this point, let her complain.
Wow! Dejavu, Yes been there have did that and unfortunatly have the t-shirt!!! One of my family members-who never had a clue and never lifted a finger to help,assist in ANYWAY shape or form went as far as calling Adult Protective Services on my Family due to the grandma accussations-what happenen next-the grandma being of sound mind-didnt REALIZE allegedly that it would get so blown out of MAJOR PROPORTION and told the Protective Agent she made the whole situation up!! Boy was I angry!! But not at the Grandma(cause she's old and just angry at life!) the brother-in-law that was not man enough to sit down like an Adult and confront us about the accusations-even though we were not told we knew it was him cause he wanted some of her antiques and she refused to give him anything and told him it was all his brothers which made him furious enough to hold this grude-the Sad part is that we didnt even know any of this until later. Needless to say we no longer speak-but it just shows you-you can pick Your Friends but Unfortunally you CANNOT PICK YOUR FAMILY- I guess what Iam attempting to say is becareful, listen to the sould advise that the people on this Forum give you and always be alert to those closest to you. My story had a positive ending, it taught this grandma a Valuble Lesson. Dont Make Up Stories-I would have had no problem allowing APS to place her in a home! But they could just tell after years of being in this line of work that these were FALSE ALLEGATIONS and we were told that the party who reported it was given a severe talk about making unwarted accusations and what reprecusions it could bring back to them. I felt bad for a while it sad to think that some one anyone in the family would do such a hateful thing,but I'm told it happens more often than I would like to believe. God Bless and Take care
While my mother doesn't complain about me, she will tell my 9 brothers and sisters that she is always alone. Since this is not true and none of them have the desire to be involved with our mothers aging it falls on deaf ears. I agree that sometimes they just feel resentful and alone and you always hurt the one you trust.
Yup, family who take the side of the complainer without so much as consulting with me, the caregiver, are cowards, like drama and are kissing up to the complainer, trying to show them that they care and are going to do something about their horrible situation! Of course, after getting me upset, the subject is dropped, because they never intended to get involved in the first place. Phony people who love to hurt others in order to make themselves look better--not nice people, not trustworthy people, cowards at heart, in my never-to-be-humble opinion!
Another caregiver offered an answer once: "Caregiver resentment". The elderly hate that they cannot do for themselves any longer & hate the one who does do for them. Crazy but true.
The "all about me" syndrome is quite common. Narcissistic behavior for whatever reason is cold and hateful, but it happens.
You can wear yourself out trying to defend yourself. Pick your battles, but understand that false accusations could lead to legal battles. Watch your backside & be careful.
Adult children in families that have grown apart often relate more to the aging parent than to each other, or relate to each other mostly "through" the aging parent rather than on their own as independent adults. This complicates things when eldercare or estate decisions have to be made that involve everyone. Whether you like them or not, you are all related through this elder, your individual decisions affect each other, and you're better off if you cultivate your relationships in the group. Having the elder do this sort of nonsense can be a wake-up call to pay attention, yourself, to both your relationships and the flow of information. You can just let her complain but you will be sorry if people are influenced in a way that complicates your future decision-making. That said, DON'T waste time defending yourself. By that I mean, don't RESPOND to her complaints, especially not second-hand complaints! It's a waste of time and drags you into an endless so-and-so-said -that-so-and-so-said..... Just keep taking care of business, but do add the extra step of making sure that all stakeholders are kept in the loop. That's good relationship management, it protects you, and it will only help in the end.
One very simple and very powerful thing to do is this: create an email group in your address book that includes all the siblings and people interested at that level (anybody else, you can ignore). When something's up, or you've taken an action, just notify everyone at once. In your first group email, explain that you're doing this because you just want to keep people in the loop. Like in business, transparency is really powerful. I recommended this to a family that was beginning to fight over how money was being spent on eldercare -- the granddaughter was threatening to sue her mother over how her mother was spending money on the grandmother! I said, "Don't waste time getting hung up on the fact that your lousy daughter is making nasty accusations. You're already keeping good financial records, as anyone should do who's handling someone else's money; now just periodically -- preferably pretty often! -- send those accounts to your suspicious daughter. If you account for every freaking blueberry muffin by email for a while, she'll see what she needs to see and things will quiet down." And they did.