I have always been a devoted daughter. My brother who is 4 years older than I am can do no wrong although he plays no part in her care either financially or otherwise. No phone calls, no visits, no nothing and I resent this tremendously. Yet he is an angel and can do no wrong according to my mother. I don't want to care for her ungrateful attitude towards me any longer and wish I could move out of her house. I cannot move because my son and his wife and baby live here too and I don't want him to double his load. I am at wits end and feel like returning to the psych ward for additional rest and help as this depression and anxiety and her making me feel like a monster are almost too much to bear. What a life at 64, I have posted here before but still can find no answers for my situation. Sad and fed up.
If your son is the only reason you don't move I would talk to him and let him know how unhappy you are. He and his wife and child should move on and stand on their own and pave the way for you to move on as well so you have a chance to be happy.
You wrote that you can't find any answers. Your question is why is your mom making you feel so bad. I don't know the answer to that. Does she have dementia? Has she always been difficult? What does she say to make you feel like a monster?
The answers to your question lies within you. You can't change your mom or control how she treats you. You can only change how you deal with it and how it affects you. However, our relationships with our parents were cemented years and years and years ago and those patterns are very difficult to break. And when one person in a toxic relationship begins to get healthy the relationship tends to become more difficult than ever. I think the real solution is for you to move and get away from your mom, only then will you have a chance at happiness. But if you're not willing to move then try to change your perspective. There's a book called, "Boundaries". Very simple title. But it's a great book and might help you create some boundaries for yourself so you can discover your independence and self-esteem again. Practicing healthy behaviors is like exercising a muscle. We have to do it every day or we lose the ability. And it's so difficult to change our perception, believe me, I know. But it's possible.
If you're not willing to change anything then nothing will change. Try to learn how to create boundaries with your mom. The way she treats you isn't OK.
Have you ever asked your brother for help? When I was caring for my dad I assumed that my brother should know he should be helping. At the same time, my brother assumed that I would ask for help if I needed it. Once we began communicating he jumped right in and helped me out. Have you told your brother that you need his help?
What if something happens to you? You mother will continue to live on... and your grandchild will never get to really know you. The choice is yours.
You've been caring for your Mom for 10 years now, not only does your Mom have dementia, but you said she also has COPD, and some other ailments. You mentioned in another post you have no retirement for yourself. You said your Mom refuses to move into a nursing home.
In fact, one posting you made said that your son belittles you and that he refuses to allow you to put Mom into a nursing home, that he and his girlfriend would care for her.
Come on, what is really going on here? Why are you so afraid to say you had enough and move out?
Have you discussed with mom and asked her what she will do if you and family move out? Have you sat down with her and asked what you are supposed to do to make her happy (be open to what she says, even if you can't accomodate -at least you'll truly know where she is at)?
Don't threaten this if you don't have a plan to actually move out. But I would let her respond. Tell her calmly (not in angry state) that you will move out if she doesn't change.
Be prepared to follow through.
You will never know "why" your mother shows such favouritism. It doesn't work like that. In brief, your mother treats you as she does because you allow her to. Haven't you had enough of it yet?
Concern for your son's workload does not prevent you from moving out and setting up elsewhere. Your son has a partner, they are a couple, they can either cope or they can leave, too. They are adults able to make their own choices.
Getting a job, finding a place to live, and setting up on your own are big challenges, especially for someone whose self esteem is as thoroughly battered as yours. But if you want freedom, peace of mind, and your own life, that's what you're looking at. Do it or don't do it, but don't sit there and hope that something else will magically change. Experience tells you it won't.
I don't believe you ever will do anything on your own to improve your situation. I'm not blaming you, because as I said it is NOT easy - there's no abracadabra about it. So I suggest you get help, but not from a counsellor, not from a psychologist, certainly not from us sitting hundreds or thousands of miles away. Get help from local people who know where you can rent affordable housing, people who can find you a job, people who share interests with you and can become real-life friends. They are out there, you know. Happy hunting!