Why is my Mom so controlling?

KellyB, you say in your profile that your mom has dementia. I would read a lot about dementia. Since her brain is not working properly, it's not unusual for people to act oddly. Sometimes they see things that are not there. Sometimes they become obsessed with something or become controlling or agitated. It's difficult to deal with, but if we can understand that it's due to brain damage, it makes it more bearable, IMO.

Before I realized my cousin had dementia, I had a horrible time tolerating her. I stayed with her to help her run her household and take care of her and her cat, when she broke her foot. She was so rude and constantly would accuse me of putting grease on the counter. (There was no grease.) She would sit at the door and start complaining about odd things as soon as I walked into the door. (I didn't know what she was talking about.) She was terrified her cat could escape the house through a hole the size of a pin head! It wasn't until later that we realized it was the dementia causing all that irrational and controlling behavior.

There is no way to stop that behavior, only tolerate it and redirect it. Eventually, your mom won't be able to stay alone at anytime. I would consider the options at this time and make sure you have all the proper documents like Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, etc. if she is still capable of signing them. I might also see an Elder Law attorney to get advice on financial matters, as long term care for those with dementia is expensive. I would see what the options are for her situation.

It is very stressful to deal with someone with dementia and I bet your child is stressed too. These are things to consider when thinking of your long range plans.

Also, my cousin is now in a Memory Care unit. She is no longer complaining or controlling, as she doesn't have much to say. Everyone's progression is different, but I would prepare myself for what lies ahead.

Sometimes you just have to decide what you actually can do, and what you will do, and let the rest go by. This is particularly difficult with a parent, perhaps especially with a mother. There is a special bond with roots in childhood that call forth feelings that don't help in the current situation. She may be becoming more controlling because she feels she is losing control of her life, but knowing that (if true) won't help you change her behavior. There is very little, if anything, you can do to change her behavior. What you can do is change your response to it. I would suggest you devise some scripted responses to her complaints and repeat them word for word when the subject comes up. Calmly. Even robotically. When she complains about how you use the washer: "This is how I'm doing it." The car? "It's my car." Whatever fits. And, if she freaks out, leave the room, not in anger but matter-of-factly. If necessary, go in another room and close the door. Quietly.

Hi Kelly, congrats on your going back to school! Lots of people put that on the back burner when the children come along, then never do put it back up front. Good for you, anything you can do to improve your own future and income ability will be a great example for your child, and certainly helpful when you are wanting to help buy a grandbaby some extra things.

Controlling, I think you nailed it that some of it can come from fear. It's like they are periodically testing the water, ..."you'll still do what I ask, ...right?". I've noticed too, as people age, the ones who stay indoors and home more, the few things they still have interest in seem super important. Like, since they don't have a lot going on, they want to control the heck out of the things they do have. Of course for a person that has time intensive things like a teenager to keep up with, classes, errands, laundry, the knit picking seems pretty nutty. :-) (Yes, I'm speaking from 1st hand experience with my Mom.)

Yes, you need your own car, your own future, your own corner of the world to call home, and it sounds like you are working on those. That's good, otherwise you'll look up in the forest without a trail of bread crumbs and wonder how in the heck you got there, how you're going to get out. Heehee, my Sister once said to our very controlling Mom when she was trying to boss her around on several things, as well as tell her what job to take, "Well, Mom, if I let you live my life, ...then who's life will I live?". :-) That was over 10 years ago, but still makes me smile. Chin up, you'll get there in due time.

God Bless you! It sounds like you need to do what I did when I was 20. I had been cooking, cleaning house (since the age of 9), carried a full load at college, helped raise my sister, & worked a part time job. It's time to leave the nest & live your own life! Your mom does not want to be alone.You have clearly been a wonderful daughter. Now you must think of your own health and that of your son.

Thank you, for all the positive & helpful comments. We all are on this site for caregiving. We care, and we give! So when anyone questions why I stick around for my mom when I'm 35, well they can stick it where the sun don't shine, lol. To say I haven't cut the cord with my mom is stupid. I'm her daughter, and you all don't know all we have been thorough in our lives. Family is first, and you take care of your own. period. I think I may sign out of this site for good. I will miss all the positive feedback, but thiers a few rotten apples in every bunch. I don't ask advice to have my feelings hurt, and to be talked down to. So good luck to all in your caregiving journeys and best wishes:) Kelly

Kellyb, dont log off for good. I know you dont want to hear bad things but tune those out and listen to the good. You have to remember everybody
does not think the same due to their
own bad experiences or just plain
ignorance. I am sure you have a great
idea of what you need to do just for
your own sanity or just continue to let
things be the way they are and figure out what works best within your homw with your mother.

kelly, some of the answers here are pretty harsh at times. People have bad days. Sometimes people have a mindset about how things should work without considering that family situations can differ. I've learned not to pay any attention to answers that don't fit my circumstance or what is right for me.

I actually know what you are talking about. I wanted to write to you earlier, but things I had to do kept coming up. I finally have time to sit down and write. Parents can treat us like we are forever teenagers. I am 63 and my mother still treats me like I'm 15. If she wants me to do something and I don't want to, she'll get angry and say this is my house, too. But if she doesn't want me to do something, then the house magically converts to hers. She uses belittling as a way to try to keep some control. It is irritating, but I try to let it slide. If I protest, it just escalates the situation. I know that if I ignore it, the situation will calm down and things will return to normal. (But yes, I do get angry with it.)

Kelly, I feel like you're doing what you need to be doing now. You seem to have a good feel for what you're doing and where you are going. Try not to let your mother get to you too much. A lot of mothers do the same thing. To mothers, we are always willful teenagers in need of control. As long as we know differently, we can try to let the remarks slide past us.

I hope you can find a good car. I know that you need something that you can say "This is MINE." I know that feeling so well.

At 35 years you have not yet broken the umbilical cord with your mother. What kind of example are you setting for your child? Get your own place, your own car, your own college education and lead your own life. When you do this, your mother won't be able to control your circumstances. Remember, you are allowing this control. Without your participation, she has no control. Good luck with your education!

Dealing with a person like this takes a lot of energy. I had to be honest with myself and my husband when it came to dealing with his mother. I had no desire in helping her and didn't feel bad at all about my decision. She is a handful and takes no desire in her own well-being at all and that turned me off. We had to give her a bit of tough love and believe it or not we see a small change in her. I am not saying to turn your back on your mother but give her boundaries and stick to them. Dont let her control your life because you build resentment and you will be like me and stop helping all together.

Maybe it's time for you and your son to move out and get her nursing in for all your sakes its better you are a visiting child and grandson less stress more love she will still be bosssy but it won't be 24/7