As I’ve posted numerous times about my 90 yo mom who is in a steep decline with several serious problems. She is in a frail crumpled and twisted body from scoliosis, arthritis and general decline. Most recently she fell out of bed and broke her replaced hip and is in rehab. I don’t see anyone being able to care for her at home after this. She still has some of her mind but the sharp independent person I was close to is gone. She doesn’t even treat me the same and doesn’t seem to value anything I say especially when my brother or his wife is around. He basically has always been her favorite and I could accept that but it was never more obvious as now. Not that long ago her and I had such a good relationship. I’m the only girl. I can’t get her to even talk on the phone to me. What has happened??? It tears me up inside.
She has lots of friends. I get texts from people who visit her and tell me ‘oh your mom looks great!” Why do I just want to scream when they say that?? I should be happy to hear it. Everyone is like ‘enjoy your precious mom while you still have her’. But no one understands… I feel like she’s already gone.
I firmly feel she is at end of life. But is that days months even YEARS??!!?? What kind of life is that?? All the Medical pros involved are doing all sorts of things to keep her alive but for what??? So the 3 of us can give up our life to care for her full time in her own home? I don’t even think that’s possible now. But she’d be fine with it.
As I’ve said before I have to step back. I can’t do it. I know that. But it’s crushing me from the inside out emotionally. so many negative emotions are flowing inside me that I feel is overshadowing the love, admiration and respect I have had for her my whole life. Anger resentment, frustration, you name it, and I hate myself for it…and I hate this phase in my life that I should be enjoying as empty nesters near retirement. Just the opposite.
thanks for listening. I think this may actually be good therapy for me to write down these feelings.
But your Thoughts are always appreciated
Don't let moms moods suck the life outta you. Who knows why she is the way she is now, towards you. In the end it really doesn't matter
I learned something reading your post, I never looked at it that way, "mom, doesn't value, anything I have to say" I didn't know how to put that into words before. This is so true, for me and I'm guessing many others.
Remember, you are worthy, you don't need mom, to tell you this, find the worth inside of yourself! 💞💞
I have a couple of theories why my mom is this way. I just hope I can break that cycle and not continue the legacy at that point in my life. I have daughters.
Watching the decline is hard as well as watching your mother turn to your brother because he pretends with her that she will get better . Meanwhile you have already begun grieving the loss of your mother because she is not the same .
Yes, you will be guilted.
Yes, your heart will break.
Yes, you will be anxious.
BUT, you will either have to do this, or accept Sainthood (which is a very ugly job description if you think about it) and throw your own life on the burning funeral pyre of SOMEONE YOU CANNOT MAKE HAPPY IN ANY CASE.
Up to you. No one will thank you for this sacrifice.
You have a right to a life.
It is entirely up to you. Honesty with an aging parent is very very difficult and very heartbreaking for all involved. Mourn with your mother that this cannot go on. But for goodness sake, this is your LIFE we are talking about.
And you are in charge. Good luck with your decisions.
I full well know this isn't as easy as the words typed on paper, but it MUST BE DONE.
You didn't cause aging and cannot fix it. We live too long, but no one is yet handing us out the "good pill" to easily end it all at this point. I long for that option, myself, but as yet it isn't here.
Meanwhile, keep reading, keep writing, keep sorting your thought.
When you come to recognize it is the same recipe resulting in the same stew you may start adding and subtracting some of the current ingredients.
Or not.
Just tell the Social Worker you can no longer care for your Mom. If Mom has no assets, Medicaid will need to be applied for. Do not let them tell you there is help out there. There is no help for 24/7 care. Do not let them talk u into taking her. Tell them she is passed your ability to care for her and sending her home would be an unsafe discharge.