I just love being told that I have to be kind to my husband? He is the mean, lying SOB that knows exactly what he is doing! I told his Psychiatrist that if a person knows they can use the excuse of dementia to get away from hurting you emotionally and physically, then are they really having problems with dementia? She told me that if they think they can get away with it they will do it! He is the one that always lied about everything until 3 years ago when I found out he was a liar! He doesn't have a family doctor, and his Psychiatrist said she'd no longer see him because of his lying! His Psychiatrist said that he is a liar and you can never get anywhere with a liar! The question I always ask the doctors and the county is: Am I not allowed to defend myself when he stops on my toes, pulls my hair and tries to break my fingers and wrists? He jumps from the car when I'm driving! One time he fell in a hole while jumping out and started screaming, "She did it!" I make him sit in the back and I lock the doors so he can't jump out! Does anyone else have this same problem? I tell him that no one but me gives a rat's ass, and he always says sure that's what you say! He is so rude to me at home, but does his nice act outside the house! My biggest fear is that I will be arrested for defending myself or him jumping out of the car while I'm driving! My neighbor had a mentally ill daughter that hurt her several times and her daughter was always sent home after 3 days with new meds! Why isn't there help for the caretakers? Do we have any rights? I have had 2 different counties write up reports and they just say call 911 if he attacks you again! When you live with a liar they know how to turn everything around on you!
And btw, how is it you're still there?
Why would this be any different than carrying pepper spray? Or defending herself? Or using a bit of intimidation to get care done that must get done?
Your response does seem just a bit hypocritical now, doesn't it? If it came from me (and it certainly sounds like something I'd say), you would be all over it.
I couldn't wait for "help" to fix things for me, or the police to protect me from a man I CHOSE to stay with, so I fixed things MYSELF, sans excuses. Otherwise, I'd have wound up in an early GRAVE waiting for "help" while I stood on my soapbox insisting I deserved that help and nobody cared about me.
In reality, there's very little protection for women who choose to stay married to abusive men. Or even women who are stalked by men who constantly threaten and harass them to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Watch Obsession on The Crime Network sometime.
We can't help you here on the forum. A therapist can't help you either. Only YOU can help yourself by getting away from this man and getting your own life and health back under control. Regardless of how things "should be", things aren't that way. You can rage against the moon all you'd like, or you can take action. It's up to you. You don't need luck you need determination, self reliance and enough self respect to know you deserve more.
Good for you. I am in this boring office on a cold and rainy day giving you a round of applause.
No one has to live with abuse from anyone. There are organizations out there that will help a victim of domestic violence. I used to volunteer with one when I had the time, now I just write a check.
Ihave4dogs does have an advatage though. If her husband has dementia she can get placed or make him a Ward of the State. This way she doesn't have to flee her home with nothing but the clothes on her back like you had to. You have respect and admiration for taking back your power and not living your life in permanent victimhood.
The trend here is YOU get on with your life. Don't take care of him.
You have every right to defend yourself if he's coming after you. I was a homecare worker for 25 years and I never let a demented senior or some mentally ill client or any client EVER put a hand on me. Oh, no. I always carried pepper spray on my person at all times. I had an old lady client with dementia whose family told me she bites, hits, and spits. She bit me one time and I slapped her. Not in the face, but on the upper arm. Not hard enough to do any real damage, but hard enough to make my point. She never tried to bite, hit, or spit at me ever again and I worked for her four days a week for about two years. Some part of her mind worked well enough to keep her from trying to assault me.
I had a male client (who did not even need homecare) who had mental illness and was a sex offender. Medicaid was paying so load him up with services. I was washing the dishes one day and he grabbed me from behind and tried to get me on the floor. He got clocked in the face with the skillet I was washing. A broken nose was the care he got. I called the cops myself. I got in no trouble whatsoever. Know what those cops said to me? They said good for you. We don't let people assault us when we respond and people in your line of work don't have to either.
I had an senior with alcoholic dementia who threw a punch at me. I ducked and he fell to the floor and was injured. I explained to his caseworker that I'm not going to take one in the face because some client is out-of-it and violent. Not happening. You don't have to take it either.
In the meantime, if your husband tries to assault you, kick his a$$ if you are physically able to. Or carry pepper spray with you at all times. YOUR safety has to be the number one priority here, not his. Do not take him out on your own anymore. Clearly his dementia or mental illness has reached a point where taking him out in public is no longer possible. If he has a doctor's appointment, there should be another person who helps you with him. If you don't have anyone hire a homecare aide. You can request a male aide though it's not guaranteed you'll get one. Explain to the homecare agency you use what your husband does and that you need an aide who can handle it.
You need to talk to a divorce lawyer though. Don't spend the rest of your life living so miserably with someone who is a liar and probably always treated you poorly. You deserve better at any age and the only way you're going to get it is if you take steps to help yourself.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. But realize that we are Caregivers. We can suggest but we are lay people. You may just have to pack up and leave. Once you are gone and safe, then APS is called. You areca battered wife so maybe the suggestion on calling that number is a good one. Yes, you may lose a lot but you will probably sleep better.
Some people like to play the victim to get sympathy from others instead of doing what they know needs to be done to turn things and their life around.
You say you've done everything up to this point, yet you actually haven't done everything as you haven't left yet.
And in one of your responses you ask why it should be you who leaves and I will ask why shouldn't it be you who leaves? You are the one being abused, so yes it should be you who leaves. And once APS and the state take over for your husband and get him placed in the appropriate facility, then you can move back home if you so choose.
But in all reality it sounds like you need to placed in an assisted living facility, with all your health issues as well. The state can help you with that as well.
So quit being the victim and start doing EVERYTHING in your power including moving out , even if it's to a woman's shelter for the time being, so you can be a VICTOR instead.
It's WAY past time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
My county has free services for battered women.
Stay in a womens shelter if you have to until you can get an efficiency apartment.
You say this to us in return for all our responses over several posts from you:
"My question was about caretakers being abused! You can be abused by the so-called sick person that's eating away at your years, your health and no one cares! I've reported him while I was being asked about my black toe nails and my bruises! If I did that to him I'd be in trouble! No one showed up to see what is going on here!"
The sad truth here --given you have been to TEN LAWYERS--is that there may truly be no help for you until you leave the situation.
You are an adult.
You aren't in jail.
You can do a division of finances and leave the home. Report to APS that senior you are leaving alone and untended and in need of emergency care in your absence.
The sad truth in ALL OF LIFE is that there is not always an answer.
The sad truth in ALL OF LIFE is that not everything can be fixed.
I am very uncertain here what you want from us, because with 10 attorneys on board you clearly are in the know on how to reach out for help and advice.
I can't see what more we can do for you but give you our most sincere sympathy.
That I certainly do. You have my most sincere sympathy, I help you get either psychological or social services counseling on how to move forward to SAVE YOURSELF.
I've been a family caregiver for free and a paid caregiver. What I've learned is that you have to put yourself first. Know what you can and can't handle. If this situation is not working for you, it is time for a change.
I saw another caregiver, and she has a similar situation to yours. I almost didn't recognize her. She was so stressed when talking about her situation that every vein in her neck and face was sticking out. It was scary to watch.
I finally told her point blank that she is either going to place her husband or she is going to end up in an early grave. No one, and I mean no one can put up with that ongoing stress without it affecting them healthwise and mentally. I told her what she had was not a marriage but someone who is abusive verbally and physically. It does not have to be physical, but this man is making unnecessary messes like feces on the toilet and on the floor that she cleans every day. He told her that is why she is there to clean and do for him.
These types know what they are doing and will hide behind the guise of mental illness or dementia to keep you as a slave.
As for your finances, get a lawyer who can help you with your husband making purchases using your name without your knowledge. This is financial abuse. You can get the legal information and guidance to eradicate your name from these purchases and credit cards taken out in your name you knew nothing about even if it means filing for bankruptcy to get cleared from this financial nightmare.
Get that restraining order. Also, add the financial abuse to your complaint and how this man has been using your name to rack up dept that you knew nothing about.
Separate your finances from his.
I had a nutcase that was abusive and it took seven years of counseling to get out of this situation. Luckily, I was young enough at the time and still had stamina to pull out of that craziness. Oh, I forgot to mention that my ex was paranoid schizophrenic and eventually went off his medications and attacked my daughter and me one day. I had locked myself in a car loan with this idiot and he kept defaulting on his payments. He kept getting pay checks and would fix it with his accounting office at work by not having taxes taken out. I would be stuck paying a huge sum for taxes at the end of the year. Finally, I started filing separately. He had started using one of my store credit cards that I wasn't aware of after we divorced. He had convinced some dummy at the counter that we were still married! I called the store and spoke with the manager. I told them the situation, and that my ex had used my card under false pretenses. Also, I had made a police report before calling the store. I told them we were divorced and gave them an account of his charges and that I will not be paying for them, and I did not. He was a big liar as well. He started selling things out of his parents home to get money.
I have gone through the county for help and did everything that was suggested! I was told by the people they sent me to that I needed to pay off the debts that he put my name on! I had to get his permission to pay bills that were in my name while on the phone each time! I have a daughter that is a mental health counselor and she said there is nothing we can do unless he gets arrested, which will never happen because he'll hide behind his supposed dementia! If I call 911 who will they believe?
He has no doctors because they all said they don't work with liars! He would cut himself if he thought it would get me in trouble! Why would I leave my home and leave him here to burn down the house? I thought he needed his meds evaluated and I found out that he hasn't taken any in months! He even lied to our pharmacist and said how he needed his depression medicine! He hasn't taken anything for months! I took him to his last Psychiatrist visit and he kept on telling her how depressed he was! She gave him another pill to add to his Cymbalta! She was so upset when I called her to tell her that he hasn't taken his meds for months she was mad! She said you brought him even though you were sick and he just sat there and argued that you were wrong and he was right! She said he is not a nice person and he lies and I don't work with liars and hung up!
My question was about caretakers being abused! You can be abused by the so-called sick person that's eating away at your years, your health and no one cares! I've reported him while I was being asked about my black toe nails and my bruises! If I did that to him I'd be in trouble! No one showed up to see what is going on here!
He passed out a while ago and was on the kitchen floor for several minutes! I was thinking about going upstairs for a day when he popped up! I thought it was his meds! Maybe he'll do it again and I will let him lie there! He didn't care when I was taken in an ambulance! I crawled down the steps and waited for my nurse to come the next day! I asked him if he knew what day it was and he said it's your birthday bi**! A nurse in the hospital asked me how long I was married and I said 55 years and he is a complete stranger! I know nothing about him!
When strangers tell you his looks sends chills down their spines and am I safe and they write up reports on how strangely he reacted to my illness! My last nurse said she'd pray that they find a way to get him out of here! That was the end of November! He's still here! My granddaughters are scared of how I look! Most days I wish it will all end! I don't think I'll make it through surgery! He'll be so happy if I die! He doesn't even care about me! Apparently he never did! His children too! We all suffered due to his lying! Asthma, sinus surgeries, infections, allergy testings and doctors asking about cigarette smoke exposure in the ER and he lied about how he quit smoking years ago! Yet he told his doctors that he smoked and Medicare and his insurance company that he smoked?
One of my nurses asked me how I was going to live here by myself! I said I have no choice I've always been all by myself! My therapist helped me fix my car to get into it since the nitwit totaled my car! I drive a couple times each month, mostly to appointments! It totally exhausts me even using a walker!
He recently lost his Psychiatrist, his Geriatric doctor and his Neuro-Psychologist, Neurologist and his Geriatric doctor due to the fact that he lies about everything! He hasn't been to a doctor since I took him to his Psychiatrist in November! He lied about everything and every time I told her the truth she looked at me and said he is evil, try to get a divorce from him!
When I found his stash of pills I called her and she said you are too sick to be in charge of him and he is a liar and I can't work with a liar and hung up! I saw him hiding the bag of pills and when he was outside I got them down and before I asked him questions I called our pharmacist and she went over which drugs were to be re-ordered! She said that's all he ever says is that he is depressed and then he isn't taking his anti-depressant? He got very mad! He said that I asked him in the car if I was taking his meds and he said he is! When I told him that I counted his pills and he barely touched them! He got mad and stomped his feet and left the room!
I am trying to get my house in order because on top of him and being sick I had over $10,000 after insurance coverage for water damage from a worn out pipe!
So I am trying to get everything fixed before my surgery!
He has no idea about my health and he doesn't care! It makes me laugh when people say stay away from him! Believe me when I tell you I hate to play the guessing game with him! He gets infuriated with me and says I put whatever I need away! He has everything mixed up and confused! If I ask for something in the refrigerator he has to take everything out and when I say it's there he argues I'm wrong! I order groceries every month and he uses pasta sauce and I buy him the good organic sauces and he always says he needs more! I went into our back room and he had 2 dozen jars of sauce lined up! I asked him why and he said they were out of code? They weren't! He gets upset when I tell him someone is coming and he has to get up and dressed! I organize our freezer every time before we get groceries and he always has everything unorganized! It takes a lot to live with him!
I would love to feel good enough to go in a car that I can manage to get into on my own and go away for days on my own! My mind tells me one thing but my body lets me know that I'm dreaming!
I can't believe what that skinny man eats in 1 month! He even eats my salt free items! He tried to tell his Psychiatrist that he had no appetite until I ran down the list of foods he eats each month!
Wish me luck! I surely need it!
I don't see how you will be charged with elder abuse if he takes it upon himself to jump out of a moving vehicle and then lies about it while he verbally abuses you afterwards. Dementia or not, it is not an excuse to verbally and physically abuse anyone. I'm a firm believer that these people were jerks before any type of dementia sets in. The dementia exacerbates these characteristics. Since he is such a big liar and an abuser, go to court and get a restraining order against him. Have him served. Take any kind of documentation about your husband's dementia and tell the judge about this man jumping out of a moving vehicle. Tell him about his violent tendencies and the abuse. Take pictures of bruises and other evidence of violence directed against you and show them to the judge.
I was married to a mentally ill man. Everytime I went to court to get a restraining order, he would sign himself into a psych ward. He couldn't be served in the hospital. This nonsense went on for seven years until I got sick of his antics and packed all of his belongings and took them down to his parents home. I was done.
You have to get to a place when you are finished being on this crazy train. Only you can determine the time and the place when that will happen.
Get with a good therapist who can help you navigate through this mess and start making sound decisions about your future.
You do not need to deal with abuse.
I never knew how to describe him until I had a home visit doctor for my dogs! She asked me if he was ok! She said he seemed animated! A home visit nurse asked me if I was safe! She said he had a weird look that gave her shivers! I said I have the same feeling when he glares at me! His first Geriatric doctor said it is not good for you to be with him! When I asked where he suggested I put him he said at your daughter's! Why would I do that to her? He was the same doctor that wrote in his comments that my husband had nothing to say and he believed he was afraid to give the wrong answers! My daughter said that I needed to go in the room with him and tell the doctor what he was doing and not doing! After that visit I would give a note each time to be given to the doctor! His last visit my note said he refuses to stop driving and he is not taking his meds! His comments said his wife gives me a note and he says she's lying, he is not driving and is taking his meds! He totaled my car two months later! I put comments for the doctor that he totaled my care and we were getting sued so I guess he should believe me! His return comments were he was not welcome back as a patient!
We do not have any money to put him anywhere because he wasn't paying the bills and lying about it! He had us in debt for over $72,000 and still counting! Every single call I made I had to get him on the phone even though he conveniently had my name of his charges and loans! Imagine how I felt when I found out that we owed so much! He lied about everything! He still acts like I'm making it up! He has 401's that went to lost funds in our state and I had to do all of the paperwork to get them activated and of course the money was taken off for finders fees! In the middle of all of this I had to find him doctors and make appointments for testing! I was finding out new things everyday! I called his health insurance to pay his bill and they asked first to speak with him and then I was asked which month? What? I thought I was paying for June? She said you still owe for April and May? The whole time he was saying that's a lie! He apparently kept mine paid but dropped his prescription insurance and now I'm paying an extra $5.00 a month until he dies! About a month before this money mess I found out that he was smoking all through our marriage and lying about it! He apparently told everyone but his family that he smoked! He told his doctors, Medicare and his insurance company! His premiums are twice mine because he's a smoker! He has been impotent and even had PD, the banana penis and got shots for it! I haven't slept with him for 20 years! He went to this doctor that was illegally charging insurance companies for penile implants using prostate cancer as a reason for the surgery! All of this and he was smoking! The #1 reason for impotence!
He has a very limited vocabulary! That was what I discussed with his Neurologist! He repeats whatever anybody says like it's his thoughts! He loses things and denies it! His brain is much older than his age according to the Neurologist! It hasn't changed so it apparently has been that way for a while!
He sits in the backseat and I put the child locks on! He was on Depakote to control his anger but I recently found out he hasn't taken any of his meds? Every doctor says to stop the car and put him out! They tell him to stop it! He always says she tries to run over me!
Gather all my financial info? You mean my bills? I can't take my house with me and why should I be the one to leave? He hasn't seen a doctor in over a year! Maybe he'll drop dead! He did pass out in the kitchen one night and I was debating whether to call my daughter then he got up! He didn't care when I was taken away in an ambulance so why should I care about him? Maybe he'll take a walk and get lost! No such luck!
He has reported me and she got so confused and interviewed me! I thought she was the home visiting person and thought it was weird that she asked me to come outside! They called my daughter and she was livid! She said my mother can hardly walk! He's a liar! My daughter is a mental health counselor! She says what all of his doctors say! He will never stop lying! She said that I am not in charge of him the county closed the case and told my daughter that he lies about everything!
I have reports from the county through the counselors I have seen! One came to my home! She gave me halfway house info! I am way too sick!
The day the ambulance came my nurse helped me outside while she made sure my husband stayed inside and locked the door! When the police came she left! I told him that we decided he should stay inside or he'd let my dog loose and cause a commotion! He asked if he needed a ride to the hospital and I said he's better here! I'm too sick to look after him!
He's mad at me because he can't smoke and he doesn't go anywhere or has any money! I pay all of the bills way before they are due and everything is organized in case my daughter has to find anything! We never eat anything but home cooked foods! He is also mad that he can't drive and use his charges to run up bills!
He would love it if they would come and arrest me and he thinks he could drive and smoke and run up charges just like the good old days!
His Psychiatrist said he is an evil person so full of lies and you can't help liars and hung up! At his last appointment she declared it a disaster! She said you are so sick and he's lying about everything! She said he only cares about lying!
Every doctor knows that he starts fighting in the car! They told me to stop the car and put him out! He tells them she tries to run over me! They all look at me like if only! Everyone says call 911! I am so sick and hardly sleep! He starts his crap in the middle of the night! I have been sleeping in my sun room for months in a recliner because it is better for my arthritis! He hates that I am downstairs! He tells me to go back upstairs and I tell him it's my house I'll do what I want!
He is a mean, nasty, liar! I am not going to make any appointments for him! If he passes out again maybe I'll decide to go upstairs again for a day or so!
I guess you have yet to take any of the advise that was offered you previously huh?
You ask if you have any rights, and I will say that yes, you have the right to leave your abusive husband and after you do, call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by himself. They will come and do an assessment and take over his care from there.
Until you are willing to do that nothing is going to change.
So I will ask you.....what are you waiting for?
When all of his doctors refuse to see him because of his lying then who is going to help me? No doctor will put it in writing that he is unfit to be driving! His first Geriatric doctor wanted to get his license revoked and he lied to him and said he wasn't driving!
I asked his Psychiatrist on his last visit if I could place him somewhere and she said no because he has to have a reason to get an evaluation, like suicide threats! She will not see him anymore because I found months of pills that he hasn't taken that he hid! He is using a supposed dementia problem as an excuse to get away with everything!
You don't understand the problem like most don't unless you are in the middle! My counselor told me yesterday to start recording his outbursts! I already have pictures of the bruises he gave me! The counties have seen them and there is no way to get rid of him until he goes into a hospital and gets a good evaluation! I have spoken to 10 lawyers and they all said to get a divorce from a supposed mentally ill person would look real bad for me and I could be in trouble for abandonment!
I have to take him with me because he totaled my car and the car that is left is hard for me to get into! I have to use a stool to climb in and then I can't reach the stool to pick it up! I have seat rail extenders on the driver side so I can get behind the wheel and not hurt my arthritic knees! I also use a walker since I am so weak from Lyme which was misdiagnosed for months!
Until you know the whole story you have no idea what I have been through!
Don't you think I would just love to feel better and leave? I was in the hospital for several days and my son-in-law stopped to get my walker and he told me that he had the weirdest reaction from him! No concern for me or questions about me! The day I was taken by ambulance to the hospital his counselor called and asked why I was on his cell phone? I said it's my phone we only have 1 since he got us in debt for $72,000! She said what debt? I asked her, you don't know the truth? She said put him on the phone! She yelled at him for lying and asked him about me and he told her I was waiting for the doctor to cb! I could hear her yelling about lying to her! She cut him off too for lying! All of this going on in front of my home visit nurse! All three nurses put on my reports that I had an unstable husband! Everybody has their notes! What good does that do me?
2. You are allowed to defend yourself from violence, whatever the reason. I don't advise getting in a big to-do with him because that will anger him and escalate the problem. The best thing to do is unengage, immediately call 911 and let them handle it. Do not argue. Protect yourself, but that doesn't mean hurting him. Just get out of the way.
3. You aren't required to take care of this man, even though he is your husband. He's very sick. He needs to be in a facility. Find one and make sure he gets there.
4. If you don't like the advice of calling 911 and you don't believe it's possible to live with him without driving him around and accepting his abuse, leave him. People in your situation do it all the time.