Why does my mom, who I care for, think my loser brother is so wonderful?

Goingcrazy,

You also seem like a lovely person yet not prepared for brothers release.
Please read closely what Jada wrote.

Does your daughter offer therapy for her grandmother or uncle or her brother who is spiraling? With so much dysfunction surrounding you consider that the fussing over your mom could be a way for dealing with your anxiety about the situation rather than taking executive action to protect her. A POA has a fiduciary duty to perform. Stop all the hands on and gird up for the important work of protecting your mom from her mother’s heart.

You absolutely need to find your own therapist and a certified elder care attorney who specializes in Medicaid and estate planning. This to protect your mother so that her care is insured for when he gets out and feels you are a threat.
Even if he “lets” you hang around to do the work it will drive you insane. And you just might lose if he gets mom on his side.

The gifting she is doing may make it very difficult for her to pay for her own care should she do all she plans and has done for brother.

What will mom say should brother suggests to her “Sis has done enough, switch the paper work over to me, mom, your loving son, and I’ll take over your care. I need a job and sis already has one.”

Your POA may not protect you or Mom from him. People who depend on others for their existence become very sly and clever in getting their needs met. Plus desperate people do desperate things. I’m sure your brother isn’t all bad but appealing to mom is what he’s good at. You have explained in detail that he is better at it than you are…

If she has excess funds and with what you’ve written she does, hire a manager to take over many of the responsibilities you perform now. give yourself a promotion. Manage her care…no more hands on. This will give you time to be a daughter.

Otherwise you are working for your brother. You are keeping her from having to pay someone for care while knowing she is going to give the money she is saving to him. And by the way, you are responsible as her POA for what happens to her money.

She needs to be officially diagnosed for competence especially as he is about to be released. Please read up on this. An attorney can deem someone competent that a doctor says isn’t. This allows mom to give her POA to another. Talk to the attorney about any safe guards for this.

I have personally known only one person with Parkinson’s. I know all patients are not the same but your mom is nowhere near death from Parkinson’s from what you describe when I reflect on the one I knew.
Her daughter, my cousin, gave her entire life over to care for her mom full time for years. She was bed bound for at least two years. Weighed maybe 60 lbs. Was non verbal off and on for several years. Was on hospice for several years. Is your mom on hospice?

I certainly don’t wish that on your mom or you. I hope she does pass before she reaches those extreme stages of decline but you can’t know when someone will die.

Perhaps your desire and hers is for her to be able to live at home for the rest of her life. Do the math. How long can she afford to live with 24/7 in-home care? and remember that your life is being consumed by her care now. You are already juggling a job, your mom, her household and her helpers, grandchildren. The threat of brother will be a reality soon. Will you be ready?

You may not care about inheritance but both he and mom obviously do. So try to come up with a way to give mom peace about his future and keep him at arms length while you manage her care. You need professional help that you have vetted well to guide you. Proactive, not reactive as much as possible.

The question is not why does mom do this. It is pretty easy to understand her motivation. Remember “the prodigal son”. Parents remember the forgiveness part but get the cart before the horse. They forget the repentance and humility part that must come first

The question is why do you do it?

I'll add another viewpoint--mothers protect their "weakest" offspring.

The child who she feels can't succeed, needs defending, no matter what.

The other children who don't "need" her, get her anguish over this, in the form of guilt trips, etc., because they don't have the problems the weakest one has.

My mom thought I needed to "share" my kids with my brother, because, she said, "he'll never have the life I'll have."

That's when my motherly instinct kicked in and I finally stood up for myself (well, for my kids, mostly) and said that's not going to happen, ever.

I was not going to pass down how I was treated (as a protector to the 'weakest' sibling in the family) to my kids.

So, if anything, take it as a compliment from your mom that she feels she doesn't need to protect you--you're doing fine on your own.

It's really not just son's! I think it's the child the Mother or Dad have a connection with. The one they feel they are compatible with. Because I have a sister that is the most ungratefulest person that I know of that has took hundreds of dollars from Mom and won't ever pay it back. In the past called mom every name in the book because mom refused to give her money, but then Mom felt sorry for and give it anyway. She will not lend a hand to help Mom no matter what her physical condition she is in. She is always about herself. Hates me and my family because we won't give to her every need. But Mom acts like that everybody is a bad person because they will not help her or give her money. She is widowed now, but she has been like this when she was married. She is 62 and will not work for money goes from man to man. But I on the other hand, love my mother, have took care of , never asked for her money for anything. take her to Dr appointments and buy her groceries, found her apartment. My husband and I moved her furniture in the apartment for her. Everything you can think of I am there. But she still talks about my sister I don't understand it either. It is hard for a normal human to understand the how's and why's. We may never know!

Because he has a Y chromosome and you don’t. I swear that is the reason. And if your mother is Italian that would explain it all. There are songs about Italian men and their mommas.

My daughter dotes on her son. I do think it is over the top. She has three daughters but her son is the squeaky wheel, and is high maintenance. For some reason her world revolves around him. The girls are much more independent than he will ever be.

I don’t see their relationship changing much as he gets older. I feel sorry for his future wife.

Had this same thing happen to me with my brother and my parents. My brother could walk on water, as far as they were both concerned.
When my mom was very ill and in the hospital, he never came to visit. He shrugged later and said, "She was in there too long. I'm not stressing myself like the rest of you". Yet, when he needed money or anything else, who did he run to?
I think it's something about the males in the family where they are usually seen as the favorite. They can do little to nothing and they are viewed as perfect.
I was going almost every day to see my mom in the hospital and I had to take a step back because it was too much seeing her so ill. I got scolded from my dad because I needed a break, and my brother never showed up. I asked him why didn't he come down on my brother, since he never showed up? Dad simply said, "I'm not talking about your brother, I'm talking about you!" All of that really wore me down. I don't have a relationship with my brother, because he wishes it that way.
Anyway, I think it's just plain favortism amongst males in families.

Frankly I’d sit her down and tell her that if he is the sole beneficiary then he will be the sole caregiver going forward. You can visit her but no longer “ work” for her. So glad I was an only child. A lot less aggravation.

Yes, had a taste of this with my brother, now deceased, and I’m left taking care of my mom. She’s in AL now and only calls when she needs something, acts slightly irritated when I call, and I feel like she is going to live forever out of spite, lol. She used to call him every day. I would continue to try to block your mom from reaching him or giving him money or support. Also consider telling her if she has so much money to leave him, she can go into a nursing home right now. You don’t need the aggravation.

Please stop using your daughter as a therapist. It’s really bad for her AND for your relationship. She will wnd up resenting you. My parents did this to me and it’s toxic.

It's not always boys who are the golden child. My sister was "perfect in all ways" according to my mother. And then there was me. However, sis wouldn't help my mother but was expecting the whole inheritance to go to her as she sucked up to mother. I was expected to do the caregiving and in the long run the inheritance, such as it was, was divided equally between us. But I wasn't holding my breath.

I did what was necessary to see that mother's needs were met, but I did not :jump and ask how high" when she wanted things done. Mother was cared for in facilities when her illness progressed. We were all very clear that that was the only option.

Since you are taking care of her finances, you can put a stop to the maney drain. She and bro won't like it, but this is not a popularity contest. She is not acting in her own best interests.

IMO your mother needs placement - at her own cost. Her monies should be spent on her care. not on bro.

This situation is obviously very stressful for you and in your interests and your mother's a change is needed. Wishing you all the best in this very difficult situation.

Because no matter how much you do for her he will always be the golden child. Sons usually are.

Yes, you need therapy. You’re in a very toxic situation. Best to have professional support when stepping back from these people.
My motto in dealing with difficult people:

They won’t change.
I can.

My brother is the golden boy. He did nothing to help with mom’s care. Stopped speaking to me after she died.

He is a boy, women are still considered to be a servant...not me...I stopped talking to my mother 13 years ago, told my golden boy brother, she was now his responsibility I was done.

He ended up hating her, he learned what it was to deal with a alcoholic narcissist and it wasn't his idea of fun.

I would back away, stop doing everything for her, let him deal with it.

I did go to therapy, I was told it was her, not me, no one else in the family except my brother talked to her, her brother not for 40 years.

Time to move on, let the chips fall where they may, you owe her nothing.

It’s probably a combination of family dynamics and your being a daughter. Your caregiving role is not seen as the gift that it is, but as simply expected as her due. I hear and completely validate your frustration.

I also believe that the current generation of older seniors is a highly entitled one. They really think nothing of adult children (particularly daughters) making sacrifices for them. My mother is completely oblivious to the amount of energy that has been expended on her behalf. My sister is now the primary caregiver and recently commented on this. I have known it for years, and am glad to have stepped back from the role.

I hope you have POA. But even then, if Mom is competent you can't keep her from doing what she wants with her money. I agree, though, since she is in the late stages of Parkinson's she probably had Dementia and no longer can make informed decisions. Hopefully, if you have POA its immediate. If it needs a doctor to declare her incompetent get that letter from him. As said, place her. Use her money for her care. When it gone, then Medicaid.

It's much more likely that your mother doesn't see your brother as so "wonderful" as you put it, as she sees him in need of her love and care.

In general it is very commonly accepted that the "squeaky wheel" does get the oil.
The parents often pay much more attention to the needy and ner-do-well child because parents by nature tend to "parent" and "care-give" where the most care is perceived as needed.

I DO recommend therapy but it is important to choose a "cognitive" therapist. You don't want one who wants to take 200.00 every week until you're dead simply to say to you "and how do you FEEL about that". Cognitive therapists teach one how to examine and change his/her own thinking to benefit his/her own growth.

Because women of her generation idolize men and consider women second class citizens, that's why.

Your mother obviously has advanced dementia that goes with late stage Parkinsons, especially since she's now overlooking her son's "crimes against children."

You ought to get mother placed in Skilled Nursing where she can get the care she needs and you can stop doing for a woman who considers you a second class citizen. Or her son can move in with her to an apartment SHE finances and the two of them can live happily ever after. Why you're doing all this is beyond me.

I'm from a family of 5 kids. My Dad died when I was 15, and a week later my alcoholic Mom took me to the bank and made me a Signer, and handed me the checkbook and bills and told me, "Deal with it."

I missed out on my high school years, paying bills, mortgage and property taxes. I was buying groceries, cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry and housecleaning. It was hard to keep up with school, but I did. My older brother and younger sister still lived at home, and did NOTHING. When I turned 18, I got the GI Bill for college and moved out. I was burned out being a Care Slave for my Mom.

My sisters eventually left home, got jobs, married, and 2 had kids. My brother never kept a job and basically lived at home free for years. My Mom had always told us the house would be "divided equally" whenever she died.

20 years later, when she finally died, she left my useless brother her entire house. The remaining 4 daughters got nothing. He still lives there to this day, only caring about himself. Mom's BS did not surprise me.

Why, Because your brother is the Golden child, and you are the scapegoat child, Google it and the personality of the gold child vrs scapegoat.

This is common, this is my family. For some reason women , yours and my mom's generation, worship the boys, and pretty much turn them into narsistic monsters.

The good news, for us as scapegoat child, we can get help, we often do. Narcissist, gold child , never get help, because in there world, they are perfect, on the outside, anything but perfect inside. We as scapegoat children have the advantage, of having empathy, love, understand, that they will never have.

Sorry, I absolutely do understand how this feels, and the feeling of never being loved unconditionally. You need to love yourself, take care of yourself, before mom.

🫂🫂💕💕

Are you POA?
If not there is not much you can do to stop her from giving her money to anyone.
If you are POA then it is your duty to stop her and no longer allow her access to her accounts.
If you are not POA I would walk away from this, report her to APS as a vulnerable senior.
If she is not competent the Court will appoint a Guardian,. If you wish to take this on then you will be appointed. If you don't want this responsibility then the court will appoint one. the Guardian will then be in charge of moms finances and medical care.

Well if she admits she raised a son like this, then she failed badly. Nobody wants to admit they would raise a criminal, leave alone a pedo. Also people tend to spoil and dote over the "broken child" who "needs" them.

Get that therapy. Do NOT let him near your grandchildren or yourself. Do NOT let her waste her money on him.

And he's not your responsibility. If your brother tries to get near your granddaughters or any other children that you know of, report him to his parole officer. And also if he does anything abusive to your mother or yourself.

You only need therapy to deal with those who really need therapy. Maybe she's just convincing herself, a defense, that he's a great guy and son. I've seen this, too. I don't get it. I understand loving your child, but enabling them wouldn't be my cup of tea. I always think that the truth is better than a lie, esp. to oneself.