I am a 55 yo F caregiver to my 80 yo mom. My OLDER brother and I are the only two kids. He has always spent his life in and out of trouble and has never amounted to anything. He doesn’t think laws apply to him. I on the other hand, have never been in trouble and was the “good” one. He’s spent the last 6+ years in prison and is about to get out and my mom, who’s been sending him money this whole time, wants him to have EVERYTHING including $50,000 to buy a truck, a furnished apartment and want for nothing. I have to work from home with help of part time caregivers that she pays for but complains about the money of course. My question is, why is he so great and I’m just a slave to her? I take care of her finances so I said “no you can’t do this again”. She has always paid his bills for him, etc. But because she probably won’t be around in a year or two, she thinks I’ll just take over the responsibility of an older childlike brother. It’s crazy to me. She has very slight memory loss but has late stage Parkinson’s so she’s very ill. I do everything including wiping her butt! Please someone tell me why she has always treated him like royalty while I suffer the consequences. I am married so maybe she thinks I have someone to take care of me. It’s frustrating!! Also, he is in for crimes against children so I do NOT want him anywhere near me or my granddaughters. I’m at a loss why she thinks that isn’t a big deal. Maybe I need therapy. :(
Your mother obviously has advanced dementia that goes with late stage Parkinsons, especially since she's now overlooking her son's "crimes against children."
You ought to get mother placed in Skilled Nursing where she can get the care she needs and you can stop doing for a woman who considers you a second class citizen. Or her son can move in with her to an apartment SHE finances and the two of them can live happily ever after. Why you're doing all this is beyond me.
I also believe that the current generation of older seniors is a highly entitled one. They really think nothing of adult children (particularly daughters) making sacrifices for them. My mother is completely oblivious to the amount of energy that has been expended on her behalf. My sister is now the primary caregiver and recently commented on this. I have known it for years, and am glad to have stepped back from the role.
I missed out on my high school years, paying bills, mortgage and property taxes. I was buying groceries, cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry and housecleaning. It was hard to keep up with school, but I did. My older brother and younger sister still lived at home, and did NOTHING. When I turned 18, I got the GI Bill for college and moved out. I was burned out being a Care Slave for my Mom.
My sisters eventually left home, got jobs, married, and 2 had kids. My brother never kept a job and basically lived at home free for years. My Mom had always told us the house would be "divided equally" whenever she died.
20 years later, when she finally died, she left my useless brother her entire house. The remaining 4 daughters got nothing. He still lives there to this day, only caring about himself. Mom's BS did not surprise me.
This is common, this is my family. For some reason women , yours and my mom's generation, worship the boys, and pretty much turn them into narsistic monsters.
The good news, for us as scapegoat child, we can get help, we often do. Narcissist, gold child , never get help, because in there world, they are perfect, on the outside, anything but perfect inside. We as scapegoat children have the advantage, of having empathy, love, understand, that they will never have.
Sorry, I absolutely do understand how this feels, and the feeling of never being loved unconditionally. You need to love yourself, take care of yourself, before mom.
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Get that therapy. Do NOT let him near your grandchildren or yourself. Do NOT let her waste her money on him.
And he's not your responsibility. If your brother tries to get near your granddaughters or any other children that you know of, report him to his parole officer. And also if he does anything abusive to your mother or yourself.
He ended up hating her, he learned what it was to deal with a alcoholic narcissist and it wasn't his idea of fun.
I would back away, stop doing everything for her, let him deal with it.
I did go to therapy, I was told it was her, not me, no one else in the family except my brother talked to her, her brother not for 40 years.
Time to move on, let the chips fall where they may, you owe her nothing.
My daughter dotes on her son. I do think it is over the top. She has three daughters but her son is the squeaky wheel, and is high maintenance. For some reason her world revolves around him. The girls are much more independent than he will ever be.
I don’t see their relationship changing much as he gets older. I feel sorry for his future wife.