Why do wives throw away their marriages to care for their mothers?

MiaMadre,

Thanks for trying to understand something that your very blessed life has somehow never seen or seen much of. When I speak about wasting a person's marriage, I'm not talking about wasting time, I'm talking about people sometimes wives and sometimes husbands who abandon their spouses and children to take care of mom either out of some pre-programed Fear, Obligation and Guilt or seeking to earn mom's love before mom dies.

Sad to say, but if mom an't changed by now or if dad an't changed by now, they an't going to. The longer we hold onto that pain waiting for them to change the longer we give them power to keep hurting us. Sometimes, we just have to learn to be a good parent to ourselves, particularly that hurt inner child.

I don't think that this thread has become a misery loves company, but that this is giving people an opportunity to vent a lot of stuff that polite society would rather not see, think about or feel its reality.

I would guess it to be they don't have their priorities straight, they already had a weak marriage, they didn't take their marriage vows seriously or they are still tied to mother, not necessarily in that order. Mothers shouldn't or wouldn't if they were in their right mind, expect or demand their daughters give up their lives to care for them. If there isn't room in their lives for a marriage and caring for mother, then find a place for mom and keep your marriage. This is just my humble opinion.
I almost fell into that trap, torn between my husband and my mother. My husband said no way was she coming to live with us because her and my relationship was very volatile. My mom would've loved to see me lose my husband. I have a good husband and good marriage. Mom is being cared for. Thank God, I snapped to. It's all about priorities.

I should issue a disclaimer to my post. I wouldn't know what it's like to have a loving mom so I have a hard time understanding being tied to your mother. Those who have a good mom should be extra thankful for her.
Mom had her chance at life, now it's my turn, my kids' turn and their kids' turn. Mom thinks the world should revolve around her so she doesn't agree. I wish I had a dollar for every time she has said "I deserve it because I'm old". You deserve Meals on Wheels, when you have money to eat, just because you're old? You deserve public assistance, when you have money in the bank and savings, own property, just because you're old? (My dad is rolling in his grave!) Excuse me, but NO, I wouldn't give up my marriage for someone like that. Her negativty chokes the life out of me.

Partly because women are expected to do everything for everyone and subjugate their own needs for others their entire lives. How often does one hear about men having to sacrifice this and that in their lives or make time for and/or juggle family and work? Women are raised to be the drudges and to feel guilty if they are not practically killing themselves to do for others. The topic is "give up your marriage for the care of a parent" (IE the mother here) and "why" Because she is expected to. Where are the tales of sons quitting their jobs, or having their wives give them ultimatums about the marriage "either your father goes or I go?" It takes three to make this impasse and it is the woman/wife who is in the middle.

daylilly, you described me to a T. I fought tooth and nail my whole life trying to make my mom love me. Let me tell you, it's a sad thing when a 5 yr old knows her mom doesn't like her. Fast forward, in my late 50s I was STILL trying my best to get that love. Earlier this year my mom disowned me and my kids, didn't like the care we were giving her and took up with the paid caregiver. I was shocked and deeply hurt but recently, I've accepted it and moved on. No more wasted time on that mean, heartless woman. I just chalk it up to the luck of the draw. My dad was the sweetest man I've ever known, he more than made up for my mother's inability to be human.

I know what you are going through. i can't stand to be apart from my mom and i know she doesn't like me. I have always known she prefers the son who abused me to me. she may "love" me but she doesn't really care for me. I have pictures of her hugging my brother, after I am about three, you would be hard pressed to find any of her even touching me. It is so obvious it is killlingly painful. I asked her to kiss me good night once when i was 9. She was so uncomfortable i never asked again. When i told my mother my brother sexually molested me, she said "I am glad it happened with David and not someone outside the family we don't know..."
Why do we tie ourselves to what is most hurtful to us?

We actually have care given my MIL for the last 10 years. She is now nearing the end of what has been a miserable 5 years, dince my FIL died. We do all of the org. of care and transport to drs., etc. Yet my BIL has decided he will make all medical decisions now. He just wants to "Make her Comfortable". We have tried our very best to do that, but frankly I have had it. The man I love, is so obsessed with her care, we can not leave the state to visit our grand kids. I actually pray for her to die soon. Ive stayed with him and cooked, cleaned and wiped butt but I am rapidly losing it. She has contempt for us and loves the other son who lives 210 miles away and appears once every 2 months.

Misery loves company has nothing to do with this discussion. It's about daughters who didn't ask for, nor wanted, nor deserved an unloving mother- sharing our experiences. MiaMadre you are so blessed. But don't you think all of us would like to be able to say such beautiful things about our mothers? There's a hurt there, a void, because for whatever reason some mothers are incapable or unwilling to love their daughters.
The love I had for my dad is similar to your love for your mother. He loved me unconditionally and because of him, I'm able to love my kids in the same manner. I won't ever know a mother's love but I had a father's love and feel truly blessed. He had Alz but for some reason, he always acted like he "knew" me. He seemed at peace with me. I never had to look for or find love somewhere, I lived with it. . . just not from mom.
My mom doesn't have Alz, no history of it in her family. I believe she's an undiagnosed narcisscist. I tried to take care of her when her health required care in her home. She ended up disowning me and my kids, unfortunately because they are MY kids. Did I ask for this? Did I want it? If you can't understand or fathom it, how do you think I feel?

For me, I almost threw my marriage and my wonderful, loving husband away because I had a warped understanding of what "Honor thy father and they mother" meant. I thought that when she became a widow saying no to any of her demands was unthinkable. That year after year, she was still grieving and that when she demanded all of my time, that was the least I should do for her. After my husband's big talk with me (after 5+ years of this - he is a patient man) I looked into what that commandment meant. She needed her basic needs met, she needed to hear love from me, but she did not need all of my time. When someone pointed out that my husband and or kids (God forbid) could also die any day now, and how much time would I have spent with them? that also was a wake up call. This coupled with me telling my mom over and over again to call the siblings has helped tremendously!

There are lots of personality disorders and even in psychological communities there is debate of their accuracy and applicability and well Psychiatry is a soft science. Some people are just selfish hurtful pains in the ass.