Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
castoff ,

That's good news!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

HUGE thanks to ALL of you for your insights. It's been a real eye opener and even an epiphany or two.
THANK YOU Crowe for having started this thread.

So often I have attempted to get a favorable reaction from mom. I know in my heart it is fruitless, but keep setting myself up for hurt. I am determined not to anymore.
I will continue to care for her as best I can but now realize NOTHING will MAKE her love me. How silly I have been.
Mom sees the entire world as a circus in which we are all to perform for her. She has said: "I never ask anyone to do anything for me." This to a degree is true. She is too proud to ask for help, but has no trouble coming up with elaborate schemes to get one to SERVE her! The problem is that with age she has become increasingly transparent and no longer good at the con. I have attempted to keep society as a whole free from her evil ways, but there are times when I fail. Oddly enough, she wonders why people avoid and flee from her after she has taken advantage of them. "I've been alone all my life" she says. Oh gee I can't imagine why!!!!
I laughed almost uncontrolably when I first saw the new Alice in wonderland promo where the queen barks for a pig to be placed under her feet. Reminded me so of my dear sweet mother. lol. My husband also chuckled. She will not divide us, we are onto her game.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What I'd like to see here are positive comments on how to get through these type of situations,what has been attempted by others even if it didn't work. Every family has it's own dynamics and what doesn't work for one may work for another. By being on this topic or website clearly shows people are frustrated and are trying or wanting to make their situations better. So - let's help each other. OK?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

MiaMadre, I didn't say you weren't welcome on this post. I don't take care of my mother anymore either, but I still join in. Everybody is free to and welcome to post anywhere on this site. Let's just say that I interpreted your words to mean something that you may not have meant them, as I read. How I interpret misery loves company must not be how you take it to mean. I don't have any kind of misery in my life and if I did, I'd keep it to myself and not give it to others. And if I can't fathom something, it makes me want to try to understand it so I can have empathy for others.
I am very sorry you have lost your mother. You loved her and you will miss her forever. Try to remember her as she was before that cruel disease took over her mind. My dad has been gone for 14 yrs. I think of him every day, I don't dwell on what he was when he departed but the sweet daddy he was to me all my life. I still cry when something reminds me of him. He was my rock and a part of my world became empty when he left. You took good care of your mother and I know that brings you immeasurable comfort.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am not married, but I don't think that the behavior that can lead to ruining marriages can only happen when the parent is demanding they be taken care of and when the relationship is a bad one.

My mom and I were always very close. We both worked in professional careers and were able to talk to each other about work issues, etc. We talked every week and I visited several times a year. A few times we even took vacations together.

Now she has Alz and is living with me. I am struggling to keep going on with my life and not give her all my time and energy. Just recently I have had to decide on whether or not to apply for a promotion (I did) and how often I can make plans to go out with friends. Before mom moved in, I lived alone and just did what I wanted.

Mom is not asking for all my time or demanding that I give it to her. I love her and want to do the best I can for her. At the same time, I know that she is relatively young, in decent physical shape, and this could go on for years. I could see myself suddenly 10 years from now not having moved forward at all; I need to make sure that doesn't happen.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it can be very easy to devote a lot of time and energy to your parents because it is what you want to do. That could end up damaging a marriage, even if it is unintentional.

And once you start, it is hard to stop. I am now starting to look for memory care facilities for Mom. Some people who know me think I should get her placed now (if there are openings). Even though I know this is what she would have told me to do if she could, I am still holding on. Right now I think that maybe in 6-12 months it will be time to have her live somewhere else.

The head is telling me what I should do, but the heart has not let go yet.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Boundaries in Marriage - yes, that was the name of the book my husband and I read! By Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Now my teen daughter is reading Boundaries in Dating. What was hard is that my mom and I get along great for the most part. But the fact that she would not reach out and make friends, and wanted me (as the sibling who lived the closest) to be her new "partner" (i.e. go everywhere with her like dad used to) made it hard because I was saying no not only to a widow but to my mom. I honor her, I just don't spend every minute with her nor do I sacrifice my marriage for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Like Crowe said boundaries. It is a good thing to look after ones loved ones but not to the point of making yourself ill, destroying other relationships and wearing yourself to a frazzle. The has to be a line some where, and not so close that you are practically bleeding by the time you see it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Emerald4Me,

Thank you for sharing and going into more detail. There are some places on line which go into this as well as dealing with the thorny question of how does an abused child honor the parent who abused them?

Your husband was very patient and I'm glad others pointed to some good questions. Sounds like your mother was using her grief as a manipulative tool to light the fire of Fear, Obligation and Guilt inside or you. I'm glad that you are no longer in the FOG. You almost let your mother make you into an emotional substitute for her departed husband. That's emotionally not doable.

What I fear too many adult children do not grasp emotionally is that we are no longer a child which the Greek of the NT has a specific word for "teknon' I've seen the verse about children obey your parents used on adult children in attempt to hook them in along with the verses about let those widows who have family look after them so that the church might take care of those who are widows without any family twisted to mean you must keep me home or keep me in your home when sometimes that is just not workable for many reasons.

As I've written many times, I wish all married people and people not yet married would read Boundaries in Marriage which is written by Christians and has a great chapter on elderly parents. I almost always remember one story from that book because it has been so rare for me to see it strikes me as ironically humorous, i.e. the story of the wife who was a daddy's girl to the extent it was hurting her marriage.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Not sure where the animosity came in. Sometimes the things we say and think are clear to us will be taken in a totally different way by others. We have all had similar AND dissimilar experiences, it is nice (and not so nice at times) when they connect, if not then it just is something the other doesn't know. it isn't wrong just not there. I think I see Mia's point and am grateful for her condolences, I would have loved a close relationship with my mother. I still long for it, desperately, pathetically but it is not there, I have a feeling it will never be there and I will always have a longing for the loving mother that accepted me unconditionally, as she has her son. but I can't make that happen. I think she cares for me in her way and that is all. It is a deep jarring pain that leaves a hole in me. If you don't know it, I am glad for you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think it is OK for anyone to post, we don't all stay on topic and we argue a bit but there is room. We are all here dealing with something related to aging, dying or past on loved ones, stress, love, pain, anger, annoyance, disgust...It is all part of it.
technically I don't belong here either, I am the granddaughter caring for a perverted annoying grandfather with little help. Not putting a marriage in jeopardy, just part of on going family pain. but I understand the topic. Women having to chose between carrying for an elderly parent and a marriage. Well to a degree I guess, no experience there marriage-wise.

The internet is an odd thing, like being on TV. I think it encourages some kinds of intimacy and not others. We don't see each other and yet we say truly intimate and private things about our lives. We talk to others in way I imagine some of us never do in mixed society or even with family and friends. I saw a poster once who's tag line was "Let's argue about it on the internet..." And so, I guess we do...

Whether we have lost some one loved or are just dealing with caring for someone we don't particularly like, we are all connected by the subject of aging and care giving?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

For me, I almost threw my marriage and my wonderful, loving husband away because I had a warped understanding of what "Honor thy father and they mother" meant. I thought that when she became a widow saying no to any of her demands was unthinkable. That year after year, she was still grieving and that when she demanded all of my time, that was the least I should do for her. After my husband's big talk with me (after 5+ years of this - he is a patient man) I looked into what that commandment meant. She needed her basic needs met, she needed to hear love from me, but she did not need all of my time. When someone pointed out that my husband and or kids (God forbid) could also die any day now, and how much time would I have spent with them? that also was a wake up call. This coupled with me telling my mom over and over again to call the siblings has helped tremendously!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm sorry to read on your profile that she died in May of this year. I hope you find some counseling to help you work through this grief so that the days ahead of you are brighter.

Thanks for your apologies, but I don't think you get the point of AlwaysMyDuty's last two posts.

This thread is not and has not been about a parent who changes into a mean person because of Alzheimer's. What you describe is symptomatic of that disease. Did a doctor ever try to explain this disease to your family members?

I found the following statement to be very invalidating and possibly others have also, "I will do my level best not to try to understand something that I cannot fathom!" It also sounds like what some family members do when a relative's personality changes because of Alzheimer's.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My apologies. Perhaps I have no business being here at all? After all I don't have an 'aging person' in my care anymore, so why bother?

If anyone has read any of my other posts I am sure you will see that my intention(s) are to help other, provide other ways of looking at situations, and yes to be in the company of others that know this MISERY!!

I also feel misery, and I do love company but perhaps it is best found on a group that is for AFTER we lose our loved ones.

My intention in responding to this post was to extend a true caring hand and heart for those that did not have a loving mother. Clearly that is not what I did.

But I do want everyone to know here (and with due respect to my departed mother) that she was not always loving to me. Once Alzheimer's got hold of her mind, "I" was the enemy, "I" was the one that stole her money and threw out her things, and messed her bed, and... and... What I do want to convey, even stating these awful facts, is that it took me a long time to adjust to this 'mean little old lady' that took over my beautiful loving mother's body, and remember all that she DID for me. I was never able to convince (certain) family members of these facts. "MOM" was now mean and they were NOT going to tolerate it! WOW.. how quickly they forget!

SO:
Was she easy to be around?? NO
Should I have turned my back on her? NO
Did others in my family forget her needs? YES
Did her friends shy away? YES
Do I feel miserable now that she is dead? YES
Would I care for her again, even if she THREW things at me? YES
Would I allow her to scream obscentities at me again? YES
Am I miserable thinking that there was more I could have done to help her have an 'easier end?" YES and NO
Does my heart break for others that never knew a mother's love? YES
Am I sorry I every looked at this post? YES and NO
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

P.S. for my last response. MiaMadre, if you shouldn't read posts like this because there seems to be a need for misery loves company, then why did you? I thought the purpose of this site was to, among other things, seek out people who share a common bond. I think that's what we were doing on this thread. You can't possibly believe everyone in the world has a loving, caring, sweet natured, I want world peace kind of mother.
Crowe was referring to daughters, with loving or unloving mothers, who either physically walk away from their marriage, divorce or separate or emotionally kill their marriage so they can take care of mom. Their mindset is sometimes, I have a husband and kids but I will only have one mother as if hubby/kids are a dime a dozen. Or a daughter is married but tied to her mom so when the need arises, she leaves hubby in the dust because mom told her to. Nothing was mentioned about taking care of your mother being a waste of time/years.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Misery loves company has nothing to do with this discussion. It's about daughters who didn't ask for, nor wanted, nor deserved an unloving mother- sharing our experiences. MiaMadre you are so blessed. But don't you think all of us would like to be able to say such beautiful things about our mothers? There's a hurt there, a void, because for whatever reason some mothers are incapable or unwilling to love their daughters.
The love I had for my dad is similar to your love for your mother. He loved me unconditionally and because of him, I'm able to love my kids in the same manner. I won't ever know a mother's love but I had a father's love and feel truly blessed. He had Alz but for some reason, he always acted like he "knew" me. He seemed at peace with me. I never had to look for or find love somewhere, I lived with it. . . just not from mom.
My mom doesn't have Alz, no history of it in her family. I believe she's an undiagnosed narcisscist. I tried to take care of her when her health required care in her home. She ended up disowning me and my kids, unfortunately because they are MY kids. Did I ask for this? Did I want it? If you can't understand or fathom it, how do you think I feel?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

MiaMadre,

Thanks for trying to understand something that your very blessed life has somehow never seen or seen much of. When I speak about wasting a person's marriage, I'm not talking about wasting time, I'm talking about people sometimes wives and sometimes husbands who abandon their spouses and children to take care of mom either out of some pre-programed Fear, Obligation and Guilt or seeking to earn mom's love before mom dies.

Sad to say, but if mom an't changed by now or if dad an't changed by now, they an't going to. The longer we hold onto that pain waiting for them to change the longer we give them power to keep hurting us. Sometimes, we just have to learn to be a good parent to ourselves, particularly that hurt inner child.

I don't think that this thread has become a misery loves company, but that this is giving people an opportunity to vent a lot of stuff that polite society would rather not see, think about or feel its reality.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I read through each and every ONE of these responses and there is one thing I would like to add:

I TRULY feel sorry for each and everyone of you that never knew what it was like to have a mother that LOVES/LOVED you. I was blessed to have one of the best mothers in the world. And giving back to her the last five years of her life did not mean "throwing away my marriage when she got old and feeble" Quite the contrary!

It showed me what a truly loving and caring man I am with. His kindness and understanding were LIFESAVING for both me and my beloved mother. He didn't nor DOES he think that either of us wasted our time caring for her. (I just asked him again just to be sure). I also know that if something happened to me my husband would care for me with kindness!

I know I shouldn't even bother to read posts like this, since there seems to be a need for "misery to love company", so I will do my level best not to try to understand something that I cannot fathom!

Even though my mother's dementia meant that at times she was less than patient with me in the later stages of her condition, it didn't matter to me. I guess it was to teach me the patience that I need to try understand what I find difficult to understand.

p.s. I am not a 'momma's girl', just a grownup with a mother that LOVED me unconditionally, and when she needed my help "we' (hubby and me) stepped up to the plate, since that is what my mother would have done for either of us!!

I truly feel sorry for those who did not know this love. I hope you find it somewhere.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

That is painful! I hope it ends soon and quietly and peacefully you have done a good job and as often you get all the guilt and very little thanks. Give yourself credit for doing so well so long. Many people here know exactly or mostly what you are going through...mathpig, I assume means good at it...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

We actually have care given my MIL for the last 10 years. She is now nearing the end of what has been a miserable 5 years, dince my FIL died. We do all of the org. of care and transport to drs., etc. Yet my BIL has decided he will make all medical decisions now. He just wants to "Make her Comfortable". We have tried our very best to do that, but frankly I have had it. The man I love, is so obsessed with her care, we can not leave the state to visit our grand kids. I actually pray for her to die soon. Ive stayed with him and cooked, cleaned and wiped butt but I am rapidly losing it. She has contempt for us and loves the other son who lives 210 miles away and appears once every 2 months.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know what you are going through. i can't stand to be apart from my mom and i know she doesn't like me. I have always known she prefers the son who abused me to me. she may "love" me but she doesn't really care for me. I have pictures of her hugging my brother, after I am about three, you would be hard pressed to find any of her even touching me. It is so obvious it is killlingly painful. I asked her to kiss me good night once when i was 9. She was so uncomfortable i never asked again. When i told my mother my brother sexually molested me, she said "I am glad it happened with David and not someone outside the family we don't know..."
Why do we tie ourselves to what is most hurtful to us?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

daylilly, you described me to a T. I fought tooth and nail my whole life trying to make my mom love me. Let me tell you, it's a sad thing when a 5 yr old knows her mom doesn't like her. Fast forward, in my late 50s I was STILL trying my best to get that love. Earlier this year my mom disowned me and my kids, didn't like the care we were giving her and took up with the paid caregiver. I was shocked and deeply hurt but recently, I've accepted it and moved on. No more wasted time on that mean, heartless woman. I just chalk it up to the luck of the draw. My dad was the sweetest man I've ever known, he more than made up for my mother's inability to be human.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Painfully complicated. Can't please them period in some cases. Living or dead. Do your best, and the rest is out of your hands I guess.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

People do make poor decisions when the motivation is guilt. A dauhter sometimes doesn't know why they were never able to be close to Mom or please her. It's another chance to hope for the best. Maybe this time Mom will see the good in me. Don't under estimate the power of wanting to be loved and significant to a parent. It's the part of someone that just can't give up and knowing a parent is frail and the end of life is sooner than later - it's a last chance. Once a parent dies they can never resolve their issues and the thought is too painful. It's really a very complicated question and I'm sure the answer depends on their relationships with spouse and parents.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pirate, thanks for the info. I need to investigate this BPD to see if I have it. OMG, J, you just totally described my mother!!!!! Oh, yes, it's legit! She has always done that to me. It's such a warm fuzzy feeling to have your mom tell you it never happened and you're crazy. This thread has been a real eye-opener for me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Grandmas was "I Just Don't Understand.." ie why anyone would do anything she doesn't approve of, it was almost funny.

For example someone spending money on something SHE (the royal she) thought was dumb, pointless, unnecessary...She would be AS angry as if the person had stole the money from her and used it to buy the damn thing!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jsomebody...oh and my favorite statements from my mom is "I didn't do anything"...in regards to she is never wrong.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Truly, they will accuse you of making it up get very pissed off and say it is your problem..This one of all of them has got to be legit!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jsomebody...yes you are right I have read the same sentiment you have just stated.....but you have to start somewhere with diagnosis....problem is for N's they never admit they are wrong...nothing is ever wrong with them...so they rarely will seek treatment. BPD sufferer's have tendency of suicide etc and will seek some type of help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Castoff....some parents don't evolve into monsters....lol. Some do. I have found the ones with personality disorders tend to turn into monsters for sure! Some others due to alz/dem it turns nice folk into heathen as well...sad it trully is a disease of the mind. They keep them alive but their brains are all mush...now how nice is that to keep them going while they make you suffer. I don't want to turn into one of these human slugs...yucko.
My mom used to be such a clean freak....getting on her hands and knees to wipe the entire kitchen floor with a washcloth. Now I am constantly telling her to sit infront of the table right so food won't get on the floor. Yuck still find food on the floor...other day I found the pudding cup I gave her on the floor she missed the trash....so it kinda melted onto the floor since I did not catch it right away.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There are lots of personality disorders and even in psychological communities there is debate of their accuracy and applicability and well Psychiatry is a soft science. Some people are just selfish hurtful pains in the ass.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Always....NPD is Narcissitic Personality Disorder and BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. All personality disorders but they are different. Man I did a lot of research last year!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.