DH has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostatic bone cancer. We had so often talked about taking a cruise, or taking trips but we let "life" get in the way. How do you handle the regrets and sadness over lost opportunities?
You always think there is a tomorrow. My GFs DH has/had stage 4 lung cancer. They started traveling between chemo. They have been doing cruises. Some tumors are gone one shrunk pretty well.
Humkat, Often, there are other things that seem “more important”. Or, like JoAnn said, there’s always “tomorrow”. It’s hard to justify pampering yourself with trips or memory making events that often involve a large monetary output. Or, you save (instead of spend) for a rainy day or “what if’s”.
Please don't dwell on the “lost” opportunities. Instead, remember the snuggles with your hubby in your warm bed when it was freezing outside. Or, how happy you both were when your first child or grandchild was born. Or, the great night you had with friends and family celebrating a milestone anniversary.
The cruises and expensive trips are great but it’s the EVERYDAY memories that usually mean the most. Please dig them out of the depths of your mind to help you through this difficult time.
Thank you for the perspective, you are right, I have to remember all the funny, good days, laughter and joys - we've had so many! The shock of all this has taken its toll on us both but we really need to pull ourselves up and go on. I want to enjoy every day. The fear and sorrow can't be stopped but they can be diminished by our choice to move forward, valuing the hours, and the days we have been given.
I feel this way too. After caring for mom for many years, 2 of them bedridden in my home, and her passing, I was hoping to do more again. Then my husband's heart problems are getting to be much more of a concern. Then my SIL passed away, leaving us the only caregivers to MIL, 88 yrs old. SIL was living with MIL and supposed to care for her. Other people I know seem to be kicking sand in my face and bragging hard and rubbing it in how they are doing all kinds of things, traveling, buying fancy homes etc. I have found myself avoiding these people. They seem to have ramped up the bragging after my mom died. There is excellent advice on here to take all the good memories and cherish them. I try to take one day at at time and be glad for little things. We took a walk in a lovely park the other day and I am just grateful that we can do that and be together. These nature trail walks make my day so much better. Day at a time and look for the little moments and things. The important thing is the time you spend together, not so much what you do. {{hugs}}, Katie
Can he take a cruise now? If so book one today! There are always reasons not to do something and always something "more important" that needs to be done. You can't have regrets, you can't look backwards cuz you will miss what it in front of you now. I always thought when I retired that my Husband and I would travel. We drove though almost all 50 states. Wanted to do every one. (Missed North Dakota and Alaska) But "Stuff" happens. In our case Alzheimer's and possibly Vascular Dementia. There will always be lost opportunities because if you do one thing you can't do something else. It's called...choices... There is an essay that I have printed here a few times and you can rad it on line as well it is "THE STATION" by Robert J. Hastings and it pretty much sums up what we do in life. The other one I like is an essay written about raising a child with a disability. But you can read it and put in other "problems" I read it and thought about what it would have been like if my Husband did not have dementia. The essay is 'WELCOME TO HOLLAND' by Emily Pearl Kingsley it was written in 1987. The last bit that I think about is Tim McGraw and the song Live Like you Were Dying.. ....I loved deeper I spoke sweeter And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you'd do with it.....
So Don't look back...don't have regrets because neither will do anything to change what was. And they will eat you up. Go forward, learn from what was and...go do. Book the cruise. Take a weekend vacation if you can't get away for a longer time.
If you can't, don't. Cruises are expensive, but so are medical bills and credit cards. Even if you did those things it will all be in the past and has nothing to do with the present--more reason to mourn loss. Once that cruise is spent it's gone forever...except the bills.
Make funeral arrangements, get your financial affairs in order. If you have money left over after all of that, then go for it. Take care of business first.
This is one of the saddest things I have seen so often with seniors. I hear all the time...”I should have........”, “I wish I had done...”
i have almost never heard...”I wish I had not.....”
I tell my children to not fall into the trap of putting off dreams.
My Mom and I planned to hit the road in an RV and see the whole continent. She put it off till there was no tomorrow. Till she could not be separated from her medical services.
I have hit hit the road in the RV we planned. Two years out...and I will not stop till I am forced to stop driving (10+years, I hope)
do not wait. This is the life you have, there are no “do overs”
Go do as many things as you both can now. My brother was forced into early retirement at 59 because of early onset Alzheimer s. He and his wife never got to enjoy retirement at all. He died at 67. MY husband and I were very active, traveled and hunted, fished, etc constantly. He was killed in an accident at 42 years old. Devastated, I was still so glad we both had lived our lives to the fullest. Since then, I have lived another completely different life as a rancher. Raising animals is very fulfilling in its own way. I haven't traveled in ten years or more! People have to realize they only live once, and it is what you make of it. Even as a child from a pretty poor family, we still got out and went to state and national parks, went fishing and camping, etc, all within a few hours driving distance of home. Its never too late to go to do some local things you have been putting off.
Humkat, depending upon your husband's condition, perhaps you can both go on trips closer to home. Are there some places, let's say, within a couple hours' driving that you've wanted to go but assumed would "always" be available to see? If so, NOW might be the time to go there. Are there, perhaps, even some long trips that he would still be able to enjoy and would be within his physical capabilities? Perhaps a cruise would still be possible. Even if "tomorrow" is uncertain, you might still be able to do some of these things "today".
I've traveled quite a bit over the years, and can't say I've ever regretted taking any trip I've taken. I've had friends and coworkers who had been contemplating travel but were uncertain (usually due to logistics), and to some extent I've taken it upon myself to show them that they CAN do it--and they've all said they were happy they did. Maybe the phrase "just do it" is appropriate here.
When I was much younger, I sometimes heard older people say "life is short" and then occasionally give me a patronizing "oh, you're too young to understand or believe this". Well, I DID believe it (just as I believed in the value of saving money when young so I would have it when I get older), and so I've made a point of prioritizing and then doing what I wanted to do. As others have said, you have today, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. If tomorrow is especially uncertain, then it makes all the more sense to enjoy yourself today as much as you possibly can by planning what you REALLY want to do, and then doing it.
Okay, enough (maybe too much!) of my "preaching"! In any case, I hope you have and then take advantage of any opportunities to create new memories!
Please don’t get trapped by the “what-ifs.” Even if you HAD traveled, I think you would have had other regrets. “We should have had another child.” Or “Why didn’t we ever put in that pool?” Or, “I wish I’d gone back to school.” You will ALWAYS feel like there was never enough time, because a lifetime with the ones you love is never enough. Your husband’s devastating diagnosis has you feeling short changed by life. Your dreams of growing old together have been shattered. You are likely grieving the loss of the future you had planned together — and that is totally OK! Your deep grief about this is proof of your deep love for your husband. The satisfying life you made together has you wanting more, what a blessing! And also what pain. I am so sorry. If you can travel now, do it! If you can’t, don’t spend your remaining days wishing for what cannot be. Instead, pull out the old photos and remind each other of the beautiful, hard, love-filled life you created together. Thank each other and love each other. THAT is what you would regret missing the most, I’d bet.
Exactly....my DH was diagnosed wth pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to several places....we had only been married 4 yrs(2nd marriage for us both) during that 4 yrs, we were always gone fishing,camping, diving etc...guess what im saying is this....be thankful for each other, dont get a case of the “what ifs”, live each day in the here and now....talk to one another and lift each other up....this is never an easy road.....love and blessings to you 💖
Until our lives DO change at the drop of a pin we do not really think that it can. It would be awful to live life thinking "I have to do this now or I could die". We don't think a lot about what "could" happen and that is perhaps for the best. I think that a lot of the fun of things, sometimes the MOST fun is in planning, and taking comfort from the thoughts and hopes and dreams about them, and you two DID have that. With Stage 4, if there is not a lot of pain, you could do that cruise now instead of treatments that are very unlikely to prolong life and may cut down on the quality of life a whole lot. So you have decisions now unless there is a lot of pain. If not, you had one another, and you had hopes and dreams and plans, and still cared enough about one another to want to do it WITH one another. Know that that alone is rare. You now STILL have one another to get through this with. Plan to read together, to watch things you love together, to remember your lives. And your message may help others to do it now. Wishing you so much luck. Some of the sadness about "lost opportunities" is just a part of grieving --anticipatory grieving is a real thing. So sorry for what you are going through.
Ahhhhh, I struggle with this too. Who knows why we do or did put things off? What’s done is done now. We can’t get back that time. The past is gone, tomorrow isn’t here, we have today. That’s about it.
Please don’t let regrets about what could have been destroy what time you have now. That time is precious. Grieve if you feel a need to over your sadness. Lick your wounds if it will help but then move forward. Don’t get stuck.
Dear humkat, and all Readers, I always write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago at age 57 with Early Onset AlZ. When I was 25 my mother died the victim of Medical Malpractice. Professionally, she was Director of Nursing of an Extended Rehab Facility for about 20 years of her career. We were all taught about planning young an early for our future care. From the day my mother died I vowed that I would take advantage of every opportunity that I came upon, career wise, family wise, travel opportunities. I was a Certified Travel Counselor with a 38 yr career before I was diagnosed. I've realized three childhood travel dreams, I will be sailing to Alaska this summer and finally getting to visit Glacier Bay another of my dreams, on this my 21st cruise. I've been able to share many of these dreams with my DW and all four of my children, who range in age from 38-12. Life has been full of opportunities, and I will die a happy guy with no regrets, Fifty of the sixty years I've been alive, because I've put myself in the service of my God and church first in our life. My DW and I have been practicing our faith together since we began dating. and God has been good to us. My comments are intended for all who read on Aging Care, and I encourage all young and old. Plan for the future, save your money for things you may want to do, or have, that is all OK. Dont' forget to give to any charities of your choice and volunteer to help where you can in your community. I promise your life will be blessed and fulfilled no matter whether you be young or old. Humkat, our prayers will be offered for you and your family. Live life, all you can and share memories that you and your DH can enjoy.
Regrets and 'If-only-we-had' are normal. We grieve for an end to what we've had and what we could do in the future. Future planning is important, but there is always an end at some point. I am sorry that you are going through this now. Sharing your story with us and others is helpful. Knowing it is normal and you can get through it also helps. At the same time, remember the good times and think of how your time left can have great loving moments.
Thanks for asking this. I need to do this also. I've been grieving my aunt's death, settling her estate, and some regrets of not doing things with husband when we had the opportunity. Even though we have traveled and experienced a lot, there are still things on our wish list. My husband can no longer travel, and we can easily regret the things we missed because we made other choices. He can no longer drive or do his favorite activities. A ride to the cancer doctor is exhausting, but he loves to eat out on the way home, so we do.
We purchased a travel trailer from a widow. Her husband found out he was terminal and they purchased the trailer and traveled until he passed. Sometimes they could travel a long way, sometimes he just wanted to stay in bed for a day or so. They were so happy they had those last months to fulfill some of their dreams. My dad died the year he was going to retire, he never got to do the things he wanted to. I learned from that and if I really want to do something I do it.
So, as a lot of other people said, if he feels like going, then go.
thank you everyone. I am booking a short weekend away to see how we do. Yours answers have helped so much. Chuck Swindoll said, "attitude is everything, pick a good one".
I have taken my mom and Aunt on several trips overseas, and they would still like to go but due to health can not. So now we go on short trips.. We took my Mom to a railroad trip for her 88th birthday.. cold and long.. but she LOVED IT and still talks about it. We take them to the beach for a week.. short and local trips but still memorable and fun for them. My BFF is taking her hubs who had LBD and not walking well on a cruise he wants to go on, taking their Daughter and SIL for help. If you can afford to go, and have the abilty.. do it now. If you need day trips that is great too.. memories are made in the fun that is had.. We took my FIL to the beach last year,, to visit places he had lived, etc. We sort of thought he was grumpy the whole trip.. but he still talks about what a great time he had! So you never know..
It is not the length but the quality times you share. Enjoy every second of your life together. May it be on a trip or just at your front porch at home. Feel blessed for a chance to enjoy your cruise together. We will all be waving and cheering your every journey.
Thank you jfbctc for sharing your wonderful message.
NOBODY EVER CROSSES EVERYTHING OF THEIR BUCKET LIST - we all hope that you got to cross off enough to make you happy with your life & maybe get another 1 to 10 off it while you can - happy list crossing off
Well, the answer is don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today, i.e. my cousin and her sister had become estranged over material possessions of their deceased mother (quite silly, rather). They lived on opposite coasts of the U.S. Sister in New Hampshire was thinking - but never did - of going to California to try to patch things up with her sister. She procrastinated and never made the trip. California sister died suddenly & my California brother told the New Hampshire sister. Bro just happened to live there - no bearing on topic.
I hear you loud and clear because I feel the same way. I am an adventuresome, extremely active super-achiever and always seek out something new and exciting - and I will be 86. But 11 years ago I lost the ability to walk so my travel days ended. I am heartbroken for that and because I can't sightsee and do what I did. The hurt and anger will never leave me and nothing can be done. But I force myself on a daily basis to live life to the very fullest always looking for ways to accomplish something really special, learn new challenges, working two jobs (50 years and l4 years), just finished 30 college courses on line in six years, taking care of all my affairs, go in my car and go out to eat by myself because I have no one left, etc. We can't do what we didn't do but wanted to do and we can't change that but we can find NOW, NEW THINGS to get involved in that really stimulate us and make us happy. Now go find those things. It helps.
Often, there are other things that seem “more important”.
Or, like JoAnn said, there’s always “tomorrow”.
It’s hard to justify pampering yourself with trips or memory making events that often involve a large monetary output.
Or, you save (instead of spend) for a rainy day or “what if’s”.
Please don't dwell on the “lost” opportunities. Instead, remember the snuggles with your hubby in your warm bed when it was freezing outside. Or, how happy you both were when your first child or grandchild was born. Or, the great night you had with friends and family celebrating a milestone anniversary.
The cruises and expensive trips are great but it’s the EVERYDAY memories that usually mean the most. Please dig them out of the depths of your mind to help you through this difficult time.
God bless you both.
There is excellent advice on here to take all the good memories and cherish them. I try to take one day at at time and be glad for little things. We took a walk in a lovely park the other day and I am just grateful that we can do that and be together. These nature trail walks make my day so much better. Day at a time and look for the little moments and things. The important thing is the time you spend together, not so much what you do. {{hugs}}, Katie
There are always reasons not to do something and always something "more important" that needs to be done.
You can't have regrets, you can't look backwards cuz you will miss what it in front of you now.
I always thought when I retired that my Husband and I would travel. We drove though almost all 50 states. Wanted to do every one. (Missed North Dakota and Alaska) But "Stuff" happens. In our case Alzheimer's and possibly Vascular Dementia.
There will always be lost opportunities because if you do one thing you can't do something else. It's called...choices...
There is an essay that I have printed here a few times and you can rad it on line as well it is "THE STATION" by Robert J. Hastings and it pretty much sums up what we do in life.
The other one I like is an essay written about raising a child with a disability. But you can read it and put in other "problems" I read it and thought about what it would have been like if my Husband did not have dementia. The essay is 'WELCOME TO HOLLAND' by Emily Pearl Kingsley it was written in 1987.
The last bit that I think about is Tim McGraw and the song Live Like you Were Dying..
....I loved deeper
I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying
Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you'd do with it.....
So Don't look back...don't have regrets because neither will do anything to change what was. And they will eat you up.
Go forward, learn from what was and...go do.
Book the cruise. Take a weekend vacation if you can't get away for a longer time.
Make funeral arrangements, get your financial affairs in order. If you have money left over after all of that, then go for it. Take care of business first.
i have almost never heard...”I wish I had not.....”
I tell my children to not fall into the trap of putting off dreams.
My Mom and I planned to hit the road in an RV and see the whole continent. She put it off till there was no tomorrow. Till she could not be separated from her medical services.
I have hit hit the road in the RV we planned. Two years out...and I will not stop till I am forced to stop driving (10+years, I hope)
do not wait. This is the life you have, there are no “do overs”
MY husband and I were very active, traveled and hunted, fished, etc constantly. He was killed in an accident at 42 years old. Devastated, I was still so glad we both had lived our lives to the fullest. Since then, I have lived another completely different life as a rancher. Raising animals is very fulfilling in its own way. I haven't traveled in ten years or more!
People have to realize they only live once, and it is what you make of it. Even as a child from a pretty poor family, we still got out and went to state and national parks, went fishing and camping, etc, all within a few hours driving distance of home.
Its never too late to go to do some local things you have been putting off.
I've traveled quite a bit over the years, and can't say I've ever regretted taking any trip I've taken. I've had friends and coworkers who had been contemplating travel but were uncertain (usually due to logistics), and to some extent I've taken it upon myself to show them that they CAN do it--and they've all said they were happy they did. Maybe the phrase "just do it" is appropriate here.
When I was much younger, I sometimes heard older people say "life is short" and then occasionally give me a patronizing "oh, you're too young to understand or believe this". Well, I DID believe it (just as I believed in the value of saving money when young so I would have it when I get older), and so I've made a point of prioritizing and then doing what I wanted to do. As others have said, you have today, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. If tomorrow is especially uncertain, then it makes all the more sense to enjoy yourself today as much as you possibly can by planning what you REALLY want to do, and then doing it.
Okay, enough (maybe too much!) of my "preaching"! In any case, I hope you have and then take advantage of any opportunities to create new memories!
during that 4 yrs, we were always gone fishing,camping, diving etc...guess what im saying is this....be thankful for each other, dont get a case of the “what ifs”, live each day in the here and now....talk to one another and lift each other up....this is never an easy road.....love and blessings to you 💖
Please don’t let regrets about what could have been destroy what time you have now. That time is precious. Grieve if you feel a need to over your sadness. Lick your wounds if it will help but then move forward. Don’t get stuck.
I wish you well. Many, many hugs.
I always write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago at age 57 with Early Onset AlZ. When I was 25 my mother died the victim of Medical Malpractice. Professionally, she was Director of Nursing of an Extended Rehab Facility for about 20 years of her career. We were all taught about planning young an early for our future care.
From the day my mother died I vowed that I would take advantage of every opportunity that I came upon, career wise, family wise, travel opportunities. I was a Certified Travel Counselor with a 38 yr career before I was diagnosed. I've realized three childhood travel dreams, I will be sailing to Alaska this summer and finally getting to visit Glacier Bay another of my dreams, on this my 21st cruise. I've been able to share many of these dreams with my DW and all four of my children, who range in age from 38-12. Life has been full of opportunities, and I will die a happy guy with no regrets, Fifty of the sixty years I've been alive, because I've put myself in the service of my God and church first in our life. My DW and I have been practicing our faith together since we began dating. and God has been good to us.
My comments are intended for all who read on Aging Care, and I encourage all young and old. Plan for the future, save your money for things you may want to do, or have, that is all OK. Dont' forget to give to any charities of your choice and volunteer to help where you can in your community. I promise your life will be blessed and fulfilled no matter whether you be young or old. Humkat, our prayers will be offered for you and your family. Live life, all you can and share memories that you and your DH can enjoy.
Thanks for asking this. I need to do this also. I've been grieving my aunt's death, settling her estate, and some regrets of not doing things with husband when we had the opportunity. Even though we have traveled and experienced a lot, there are still things on our wish list. My husband can no longer travel, and we can easily regret the things we missed because we made other choices. He can no longer drive or do his favorite activities. A ride to the cancer doctor is exhausting, but he loves to eat out on the way home, so we do.
So, as a lot of other people said, if he feels like going, then go.
Thank you jfbctc for sharing your wonderful message.
Live life to its fullest!
You are an inspiration!