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Siblings wont speak up, Dad refuses to move Mom. Mom is late stage dementia. Why won't anyone back me up?

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It shouldn't be this complicated and painful, but somehow it so often is. You seem to be the only one with a conscience, and heart. Is the issue that your dad is struggling to care for your mom properly and he's not giving it up? He needs help and isn't accepting it? Let's start from a position that you will not get back-up. Does anyone have your mother's durable PoA? Or for your dad? If you have it, then you have some authority to act on your mom's behalf. If no one has PoA, and your dad won't grant it, then you can engage social services. They can assess them for services and maybe your dad would accept this, if the services they offer will help your mom. Otherwise you can pursue guardianship and bring about help for your mom (and dad). Wishing you peace and help.
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I am sure at one time almost all of use asked ourselves the same question. my siblings, four sisters could care less about my parents health.
They never called, refused to help , and never went to parents wake and or funeral. imagine...I call them my X-sisters.
but two of them did manage to call me to find out what my parents
left them in their will almost a year after they died.
that's when my payback came for them. I simply said my parents
did and left for you exactly what you did for them NOTHING.
I hung up on them and never heard from them again. but it felt good to let them know how I felt in just a few words..
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 2019
This is the best answer you could have provided!!! You did the best for your parents you could.....they didnt. Live the rest of your life in peace!!!
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Marie18, you posted this same question a few weeks ago, yes? I don’t think you’ll get many more different answers than you got the first time. You may have to call in reinforcements like APS or their doctors to help. APS will assign a caseworker, and as others have said, things move fast with them. Much quicker than you or I could get things done.
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When you say that your siblings "won't speak up" - what are they not speaking up about? Do you mean that they have first hand knowledge of untoward events or problems but refuse to report them, or do you just mean that they won't express their agreement with your point of view?

Your father is determined to keep your mother at home.
The home care agency seems to be working well. They reported their concerns to APS, APS investigated, the level of support has been stepped up. This is good, it's what's supposed to happen.
APS has investigated, has taken action/made recommendations, care has been increased.

So... what are you wanting anyone to do?

I do appreciate how frustrating and worrying it is when your elderly father is taking on more than he can manage to care for your vulnerable elderly mother. It's incredibly stressful. But to HIM it is better than "abandoning" or "deserting" his sick wife. You're going to have to give him more time.
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You really don't have to wait if someone is in danger. There are ways to intervene. You can seek legal consult with Elder Law attorney for court measures, contact Adult Protective services or even call 911 if things are urgent.
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