Why do I still feel so much guilt after taking care of my mom who moved in 5 years ago?

Someone, somehow put a guilt button which somehow is getting pressed. On the surface, it sounds like a therapist would be the most help in discovering what is going on with your emotions. Is there some reason that the rest of the family has abandoned her to your care?

Possibly some are calling you a saint because of how sacrificial you are being. Driving 45 minutes several times a day sounds extreme. I worry if this sainthood phrase is not a more positive spin for martyrdom. To me it sounds like you are already burned out and are about to burn up like a Christian martyr at the stake about to get roasted. If you have done all of the caregiving you can realitically give in light of your own health and circumstances (which it sure sounds like) then it is ok to look for ways to change your situation because no one expects you to be a 'super daughter' who sacrifices herself on the altar of caring for her aging mother. That's unrealistic and discounting you too are a person of worth with needs for a life as well unless you don't think your own needs matter. Feeling like your own needs don't really or should not really matter but feeling burnout, depressed and isolated are all such a confused mixture which understandibly creates a sense of guilt. However, if this is the kind of guilt you have, it is false guilt over not being super human which none of us are.

How does your husband and you each feel about your marriage right now?

Crowemagnum is right. Don't discount yourself and your needs. How old are you, if I may ask? Have you outright asked your siblings to take mom for a day or two and expressed your need for a break? They might think the situation is just fine because they don't hear you complaining. Have you checked into elder day care, a center your mom can go to for activities or just to be around others her own age? She could do this 2 - 3 times a week to give yourself another break.

golf: I did the same thing when my Mom moved near us. I was there at her beck and call and I really burned out fast. Then I found this forum and discovered I was not alone. I was treating my Mom like a "guest" and putting all her needs above everything else. After 3 years, things have leveled out and she seems happier and I feel less put upon.
You really need some serious "me time" either to reflect, take up a hobby, read, meet with friends, whatever. I joined a local women's group where we talk about everything BUT caregiving - it recharges me.
Guilt is useless emotion because it lacks motivation or creativity and saps your energy. I think when caregivers say they are "feeling guilty for not doing more" what we are really saying is that we love our parents so much and we know that the inevitable is just around the corner. There is nothing we can do to stop it so we go into overdrive to try and make them happy.
I was burning the candle at both ends and found that there was not much left in the middle. Take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place. (PS: ya' got a good hub there)
Lilli

I can tell you no matter how much you do for someone it never feels like enough,thats just part of loving someone.Your feelings are very normal.

Medication, if you are depressed, should not be a last resort. It is the first line defense against developing maladaptive behaviors and becoming suicidal.

I think you are having "survivor guilt." Like "why is this happening to her and not me?" that is a very common human experience when you are OK and someone else is not. Its something we are taught about, if we are lucky, as rehab docs in training, to focus on what you can do to help and carry a low burden of guilt for the circumstances of other people - your job then becomes helping them prioritize *their* goals and achieve what is achievable. You can't live the other person's life, no matter how much empathy you have or how good a person you are.

Oh GOD the guilt! So deep inside it hurts. It controls the whole day and makes me angry and upset. Someday's I cry all day when I'm alone and put on a good face when I'm with my parents. My mom has a way of making me feel guilty and no matter how many times I tell myself this is not going to make me feel bad it still does. Mom says things like I do more for my dad than I do for her. Or when she is dead I will be sorry. I am crying right now just typing this. I do everything I can for both of them I don't know how much more I can do or take. I love them so much and can't handle the thoughts she specks of. Why do so many elderly people do this to us?

careing4two,

Has your mother always put you on guilt trips or is this something new?

What type of help does your father and mother need from you?

At 55, you should really have a life of your own. Are you currently working?

You sound very depressed and in need of both a doctor for meds and a therapist for emotional support to overcome these guilt trips from your mother and creating some healthy boundaries for your own well being.

Cmagnum
Thank you for your reply, my mother has been this Italian gunslinger most of her life at least that is what I hear from all my brothers and sisters, I don't remember her being that way. But than again I was always a very happy go lucky living on the edge kind of girl. Nothing every got to me or bothered me, I always seamed to find the best in any situations.
Lets see what kind of help do they need from me, lets just say because I'm here I do it all. Cook, Clean, Care, Comfort, Coddle, etc. They are both 90 years old both use a walker (have wheelchairs don't use them) ? I do 90% of everything.
I sometimes think I should be on meds but that will be my last resort, a therapist would cost money and time I don't really have, this is why I deiced to look into a site like this. I see so many other people going through the same thing I am going through so I thought maybe this would be helpful on my bad days.
Thank you so much for your kind heart and loving response, more later.
By the way I am ONLY 54 years old not 55 although lately I am looking and feeling 60. LOL

careingfortwo, you sound in a completely different mood that you did 23 hours ago!

Sorry, but I thought you were 55 from your profile. Not that it matters, but I'm 57.

It does sounds like you are the 90% 24/7 caregiver for some very old parents. Are there any other options that you have for their care other than you doing this 24/7? That is very nice for you to do, but flying solo as a caregiver could put you in an early grave for 1/3 of caregivers die before those they are caring for.

I am also wondering on a practical level how well prepared you are at 54 for your own retirement one day?