Why do some people live far from their parents?

People are living longer and it is not just a pill. Look at those with Alzheimer's, they give them meds but it is not to make them better it is just to help with the symptoms. I just saw my mom's doctor and she could live another 13 years with Alzheimer's, she will probably die of something else. The meds are not keeping her alive she is just living long and that is what is happening. If we take care of ourselves we can live a long time. Some meds do help people live longer, but not all.

We just live longer at this time.

cindyoh, FINALLY I found someone who thinks like I do. Nature taking its course, that's my mantra!!!! And I love the "stack 'ems and pack 'ems"!! For me, no thanks, that's no life. Modern medicine, while good for some things, has not done older people any favors. Trying to convince us we will live forever if we just take this pill or have this test done. And people believe them, that's what I don't get. My mother being one of them. Wow!

I at first laughed when I read your question. Lord knows, some days, I wish when I was around age 20, I'd moved far, far away and not returned to my home town ever! And this is gonna sound so hateful, but in my world, folks would just die peacefully in their sleep sometime in their, say, 75th year or so. Time enough time to enjoy retirement and grandchildren. Having worked as a medical transcriber for 36 years, I don't understand why we in this country bend over backward so far to keep folks going and to stop nature from taking its course. The mainstream media continues to scare and bombard us to death with so-called preventive medicine and procedures which keeps us popping pills, getting lab work done, lining up for testing, etc., etc., all becoming increasingly expensive. We're headed for "stack em and pack em's," high-rise nursing homes and apartments just to keep us hobbling along maybe another 10 years, how very depressing. Thank God for alternative medicine and the internet, at least you can communicate with others and educate yourself and then make some decisions.

I do what I can for mom but neither she or I, even at my age, will be doing any more colonoscopies, mammograms or other things unless we have symptoms. I thank God she is physically pretty healthy and does have money. I will do my best to keep her out of a facility but frankly, as I'm training to be a nurse's aide (will be out of a job as a transcriber at age 59 so had to pick another "career"), I will probably be working in one of them and will hopefully be able to keep an eye on her and who's dealing with her.

Everyone has their own life. People get old and sick and they need to be close to their adult children who can help them until they die. That's how it is. Sorry.

Why do elderly parents live far from their adult children?

Hmmm.... Well, unfortunately I dated and married someone I met right after High School. We dated for 4 years and married after college graduation. My husband received a Commision into to the US Army. Growing up, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS did I think I would live away from my parents!
Just because we didn't live in the same State.....didn't mean that we never saw each other !! Before my mother fell ill with ALS, her and dad would drive or fly to GA to be with me when my husband was out on 3 week training missions, 3 month training missions in CA or Operation Brightstar when his Batallion were called to duty for a training excerise OR when his Batallion was the DRB, and was called up in 48 hours boots off the ground to head to Iraq in 1998.
Anyway, you make it work! When my mother was ill, I would fly in and help her and dad out. I do the same for my Dad now, or at least I try.....my so called family keeps me away.
17 years later, husband is still in the Army and my kids and I support him completely!! We are a Military family, I am an ARMY WIFE and I take great pride in that!
Besides, until last October, I saw and talked to my father more often than my brother did.....AND HE LIVES 45 MINUTES FROM DAD! I visit my dad for at least 2 weeks every summer and again over the Holiday's.

So the reason why I do not live close to my parents is because my husband is a Soldier a Leader and he fights the good fight so that we may come on the blog and express our opinions.

Not every parent in a nursing home was "dumped" there. They may have an illness that requires medical treatment that their average joe blow adult kids don't have the training to administer. Not every nursing home is bad. You could hire someone to come to your home to care for your parent and still encounter abuse and inadequate care. And this should not come as a shock but some adult kids dish out a lot of abuse. Hands on care is very physically demanding and some older adult kids can't accomplish that task. Another point, if your parent doesn't have much money or too much to qualify for government assistance, how do you afford to hire someone to come in and help with the care? Are you required to quit your job to pay for it? How do you support your family, including the elder parent, if you don't have any income? Or do you just suck it up, do all the care yourself and then get burned out so you aren't any good to Anyone because you're in worse shape mentally and physically than your parent. It's not always that the adult kid doesn't want to care for their parent, it's some of them can't swing it physically or financially and they have to turn to a facility. But I'm guessing these are the poor kids who some of you think are shirking their duty. Hands on caregiving is a blessing to some and a curse to others. It's up to the caregiver to decide which and not up to any of us to judge which they choose.

Jeanne, I have a few minutes here, so I'll explain what I meant by a village. In older societies, people had to go out to gather crops or to hunt. There was really no such thing as money, just the resources for the week. People had to work together better. Someone could watch the children that were too young to work. Others could tend the herds, etc. I think now of how much we pay for daycare, especially for old people, and think wouldn't it be nice if we all had our roles in society, with everyone doing their part. I don't mean a small town -- I mean a true community where you don't have to pay huge prices to have things done.

I guess my idea is more like a commune. There have been many trials at communes in the US that didn't work. It was mainly because a few people did everything and the others just laid back. It was definitely not like the romanticized Native American way of doing things. But it was a nice ideal.

I moved to my current place 21 years ago. It is an hours drive from where my mother lives. Not that she is getting on in years, she wants me to move closer to help her, but refuses to move closer to me. Her ideology-she has lived longer where she is compared to where I live and it would be easier for me to move. I hate where she lives it is to congested and too much traffic. I love the rural environment of where I live. So if my mother wants me to be around more to help her, it will be her moving closer, not me.

Essaid, the " melting pot" of our country takes the habits, behaviors and traditions from each country and they evolve after being in the United States, even after one generation due to the rampant "anything goes" society we live in. There are communities within the United States that try to maintain the pure values of the original culture, but it is difficult to maintain. For me to say anymore would cause me to comment on politics and religion, and we don't discuss those topics on this forum.
Each of us, each family in the USA is free to maintain traditional values within each home or community, and many of us hold similar values. We also adopt the motto "Live and Let Live." We hope that all people do what is kind and loving, what is honorable and compassionate. I believe the majority of people are good. Obviously, some have psychological problems, have been abused by their parents, and have not grown up in families that encouraged unity, education, and a loving supportive environment. I'm sure this happens worldwide. We all do the best we can.

No one is going to treat our parents the way we do ,so why sending them to other people to take care of them ,,parents are our fingers nd why not to live with them till the death do us apart ???

I used Belize as one example, but if you check out Japan where the elders are considered a treasure.

There are many other cultures where it is just part of their way to take care of them. Belize was a country where I was and it is smaller than the US, but there are many other cultures where the elderly are automatically taken care of by the family.

For me it is not about what other countries do it is the fact that I know that abuse takes places in nursing homes and nursing homes are depressing places to be. I wouldn't want my mom to go there so that is not an option. Like I said a friend of mine worked for a law firm that went after nursing homes and their abuse. I have seen what can happen and I am not risking that for my mom.

My mom's mind may not work the way it should be she still deserves some respect in treatment.

let me share with you some ideas about Morroccan Family ,,The family is one of the most important elements of everyday life in Morocco. Community beliefs are highly integral in Moroccan society and lead to the idea that the family is sacred and they should work as a group to accomplish goals. More than often, the family unit’s ideals are held to a higher standard than what the individual desires. The groupthink mentality has deep roots in the resistance to change, probably because of the rigid Islamic beliefs. The Muslim faith carries a low tolerance for change to honor their conservative rituals and beliefs. By keeping a family structure tight and within the same mindset, resistance is a lot less likely to occur.

Clearly, the role of the nuclear family plays is the most important function within the transfer of cultural beliefs to children. Yet, another important element is the role the extended family plays in Moroccan society. Moroccans believe the definition of family is the nuclear as well as the extended family (Morocco: Language, Culture, and Doing Business). Often, they live in communal areas to keep this bond. Elders become just as close to their grandchildren as they are their own children. The elderly are usually very respected and seen as wise, unlike many western beliefs. A recent survey shows that 97% of Moroccans believe that it is the children’s duty to take care of a parent when they grow old ( Tbatou). This usually occurs by either allowing a parent to live in their own home or paying for the home they live in. This also shows loyalty to their families by allowing them to share their home and willingness take care of them.

Overall, we can see that family relations in Morocco are centralized around the closeness and availability throughout their lifetimes. They make decisions as a family unit and rarely speak in opposition. Even though they are male dominated, they are slowly changing to include equal family rights to women as well. The family structure in Morocco is in a constant process of evolution to become increasingly modern and tolerant of new beliefs within their society.

Hopefully I won't sound like an ignorant ninny, oh what the heck, I will say it anyway...maybe Belize takes care of their elder population in a more humane way. Maybe their "modern medicine" doesn't demand they take a boatload of medicine for their body while their brains go to hell. Maybe they let nature take its course just keeping the patient comfortable for the time they have left instead of prolonging their life 20+ years while the poor things don't even know they are on this planet. That's a more compassionate way of life IMHO. I'm sorry I got off topic.

Just an interesting factoid ...

Percentage of population over 65: Belize, 3.5% US 12.8%

Hmmm .... It will be interesting to see what impact extended life expectancy will have as it reaches the population of Belize.

Do you think so, Jessie? Why? I see my cousins in small towns not having any easier time helping their parents than those of us in big metro areas. Actually, in the metro area we may have a few more options. But it isn't easy for anyone.

Or is small town USA not what you mean by "villages." I guess I'm not picturing how villages would make things easier. It is an interesting idea. Do you want to expand on it?

I think of how much easier it would be to care for elders if we lived in villages, rather than each family being squirreled away in a house surrounded by neighbors they don't know anymore.

Interesting topic! I always knew, since preschool (I do not exaggerate) that I was on my own. I made the grades, I got the scholarships - if I hadn't I would not have gone to college period even though there was some money there on both sides of my family, that's not how they rolled. I was supposed to be the amazing self-sustaining, self-sprouting, wonder child. No one was taking out a loan for me, cosigning one, or risking losing their house. I know that these amazingly spoiled people out there do exist who are irresponsible, the parents did everything for them, but now they don't want to be there for their parents. Still it seems to me that many posting here on this forum don't fall into that category at all - more the opposite, people struggling to be there for parents in situations that are challenging especially because of a dysfunctional past. It is wonderful to hear these voices for me.

Jeanne, you are so right that we are entering unprecedented territory as a society. I read somewhere that 50% of people by age 85 have some form of dementia. 50%! Considering the skill and cost involved in caring for someone with dementia and then how much an adult must struggle to support themselves in the US and it is serious problem. My guess is that in Belize that they have much larger and positively connected extended families so that the caregiving burden doesn't crush the life out of one of the adult children.

Jeannegibbs, there are many parents that help pay for their kids college, not me but I see it happen all the time. Several of my friends from high school work second or part-time jobs to help pay for the college education.

I paid for my own education, I have 3 stepsons and I am pushing each one into student loans so they learn responsibility. The 3 of them are trying to figure out how to get their education for free versus learning responsibility.

It does happen and I disagree with it. Kids need to learn responsibility and I see a lot of things in my line of work. I actually teach for several universities and so it does happen more than it should.

Everyone always talks about the high cost of education, but the costs today are not any higher than when I went the first time. When I went the first time over 30 years ago, a good education was $40,000 and yet no one said anything. Suddenly today that same education that is $40,000 takes a beating.

It is about learning responsibility. I know for myself that because I have no kids that I will have to put myself in a nursing home. I have no one that will take care of me, I am the wicked step mother. I am good when times are tough, or their resume needs to be done, or they need advice on something, but I am making preparations for me to go to the home.

Wow, bookluvr, I wonder where Clark Howard got his statistics? I'm not questioning them, but they sure surprise me. I personally don't know any parents who took out loans for their children's college that they continue to pay after the kids graduate. My parents sure didn't. I didn't. My daughters are not doing it. None of my friends have done that. The people I know help out as much as they can while the children are in school, and maybe for the first year afterward, but then they expect they've done their duty.

Of course there are wealthy people who can pay the whole $200,000+ for 4 years at Standford, and less wealthy who have saved enough to pay the entire $90,000 for a 4 year degree from Purdue. And many, many parents who contribute a portion of the costs. But parents who go deep into debt, or lose their homes? Wow! I wasn't aware of that. And it sounds plain stupid.

I would say shame on the kids who let that happen to their parents. But I'll bet some of those college graduates are flippin' burgers in this economy, struggling to just get by. I sure don't know the best answer for the extremely high costs of higher education. But it sure shouldn't be for parents who can't afford it to take on the entire burden!

People grow up and move to wherever they want to live and where their educational opportunities, career, spouse, and interests lead them. I did this too, of course, but when my parents, grandparents, an aunt, mother-in-law, and several friends as well as some handicapped children needed help, we moved them in with us. I am married and a mom and a career woman but I always make time and space for those in our families who need us. That is my husband's and my moral standard. I don't mean religious standard- we are Atheists- but moral belief in caring for family and friends.

essaid, some people think that what we get from our parents we should pay back to them. Some people think that we pay it forward, to the next generation.

Some people live close to their parents and see them often, and help out. Some people live in the same town and seldom see their parents and virtually never help them. Some people live far away and manage to stay in touch and to provide help as needed. And some people went far away specifically to avoid dealing with abusive or neglectful parents.

As far as helping before marriage goes, most parents do not yet need help at that point. They are probably in their prime in health and in earning power. It is more often that they may need help when their children are in the middle of raising children themselves.

We don't have a uniform cultural norm in this country for what is expected of children regarding their parents. And what happens is all over the map.

I do not think it is up to young people to do "proper planning" to take care of their parents before they get married. It is very appropriate for them to think ahead to their own old age.

We have a situation now that is different than any generation before us has faced. There have always been a small percent of the population that lived into their mid-eighties and even to a hundred. But now that is not a small percentage. Many, many people outlive their savings. Many face the financially devastating specter of chronic illnesses and dementia. Nobody -- not the individuals themselves, their children, our social policies, the health insurance industry -- nobody planned adequately for this new development.

I would not say that the "problem" is the fault of children not planning how to take care of their parents or old people who didn't plan well. The issue is much more wide-sweeping than that, and much more complex.

Take a son who 40, with parents in their late 60s. He is trying to figure out how to help his two children to get through college without massive debts. He also knows that somehow he needs to build up funds in the next 25 years or so that will support him for 25 years after he retires! How much can he plan on supporting his parents? His wife also has a good income. She is an only child, and her parents are already dealing with expensive illnesses.

Our present methods and social infrastructure worked reasonably well when most people lived perhaps 10 years beyond their working years. But now that huge numbers are living 15 to 35 years beyond their retirement, holy cow! things aren't working as smoothly.

Expecting the current generation of young people to support themselves, their children, prepare for their own non-working years, and also plan for their parents' old age is just plain unreasonable, in my opinion.

Extended life spans are a mixed blessing. There is no point in pointing fingers about whose "fault" it is that we haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet.

Essaid, my parents encouraged all of their children to go out and make their own lives. My parents helped, but they certainly did not want us to live with them for the long term.

I don't think there was much long term planning in terms of their care, but personally I see the attitudes of children in the US far different than other countries we visit. Each year we try to take my mom on a cruise to see different countries. Last year we went to Belize, the entire country has one nursing home. It is automatically assumed that the family will take care of their aging parents when the time comes.

There are many cultures where taking care of the aging parent is just something they automatically do. But here in the US we do little planning and see caring for the aging more of a burden than something we should do.

I know my thoughts and feelings are probably far different than others. Over the years of my career while I was working and getting my education, I made preparation for this time period. I knew that neither of my parents wanted to go to a nursing home. And 14 years ago when my dad passed away, I knew it was going to be me. I knew because of how things went with his death that I would be the responsible one. I have always been the responsible one.

So at that time, I knew it would happen and I made preparations to where I could care for my mom. It just happened in a manner I didn't expect, but things go as planned or as they should.

I work 4 part-time jobs which equals a full-time job, but I work over my computer. So this allows me flexibility in keeping income for my household and caring for my mom. I am middle aged, but my husband and I are what they call full-time RVer's. We take my mom with us because she loves to travel.

So I was aware it would be my responsibility and I am ok with it. I believe I am doing the right thing by my mom. We have good days and bad, but I am honoring her by not putting her in a nursing home.

So to answer your question, I think it has to do with culture and preparation for that time.

I like to watch Clark Howard of HLN news. I think he had hit it in the nail when it came to parents paying for their children's college education. I have read how parent's worked so hard to get their kids to graduate from college. Even remortgage their homes. When their kids graduated, a lot moved on to their new thriving careers (lawyer, doctor, etc..) and did not look back nor helped their parents pay off their own college loans. And the parents struggled with the loans that paid for their kids college - to the point of losing their homes, etc... Clark Howard had a solution to this. The children are adults now. It's their responsibility to put themselves thru college...be it by pell grant, student loans and scholarships, etc...There is nothing wrong with finding a job while putting oneself thru college. This way, it's the student's responsibility to pay off the loans - even if it takes 20 years..so be it. I think for the parents who paid for their children's loans, that the kids are morally obligated to take over the loan and help pay back their parents. But...most people don't care about moral obligations nowadays - hence the increase of affairs, divorces, etc.... I have warned my sister not to pay for her daughters' colleges. When her daughters were still in high school, I told them if they work hard on their grades, they would qualify for the Merit scholarship or Pell grants or other scholarships. But they had to work hard at it. Nope, they wanted to go the games, hang around with their firends, etc... Then when it was time for graduation, one of them actually expected her parents to pay for her college! Sis felt guilty and agreed. Unfortunately, said daughter ended up having a boyfriend, with a fellow college classmate, she got pregnant, quit college. Now sis is stuck with paying back the scholarship (which had restrictions like maintaining a grade average, etc...if she didn't, then you pay back the full amount the scholarship paid.)

As for getting married, of course, your husband/wife and children are now your primary concern. Again, it goes back to the importance of us having plans when we get of old age. We cannot assume that our children will take care of us in our old age. I'm not defending those who got married. I'm just pointing out that their family is now their number one concern.

It would have been sooooo nice if my 7 siblings had helped father and I when caregiving mom for 23 years. I had a lot of anger/resentment and bitterness when I found this site last year in June. From here, I learned to readjust my thinking (like yours) and accept that Life is Not Fair. My siblings had a right Not to Help with our parents. That I chose to stay back and help them. That my siblings have a right to live their own lives.... I fought against these ideas. In the end, I accepted and was able to move on and find solutions to my current problems. It sucks! But it's life. I won't tell you what happens when a parent dies and suddenly all 7 siblings expect EQUAL dibs into $$!!! Like I said, Life sure sucks!!! =)

Essaid, I think in the case where parents truly do work tirelessly for the betterment of their children that the argument for reverse obligation can be made. But sadly in so many families that is not what happens, abuse or neglect occurs, or parents simply seeing their children as indentured servants for life. There is the ideal of the best parent and best child and how it should be, but unfortunately that is often not the case. Then we add in real life circumstances as individual personality differences and things become more complicated. I do wish it could be a better world for all concerned.

thank you very much for awsome answers ,,We see some parents working tirelessly hard to ensure their children get a better life at all cost & some of them are petty traders, civil servants e.t.c & as time goes by, they get older as well as lack the strength to push further on getting some income for the family. but after helping their children to a certain place or level of life, don't these parents deserve something more from their children in return? We stil see a lot of people though helping out before marriage in taking care of their parents but after marriage, they stopped doin so completely & using it as an excuse for not helping out anymore. So, what do we say is the problem, could it be lack of proper planning before marriage or the fault is from the parents or what?

free market in the usa is a lie. govt controls all business and industry and i think they encourage career travel to break up the chance of breeding along family lines. i could be wrong but i could be right. i would never leave my hometown for a lameass job. ill work for less here.

As for myself, I went where my career took me. I went back to visit my family a few times a year, but I had a career.

I am fortunate that now I can work from my computer, so now I can care for my mom. I have a retired sibling that lives in the same town and did not do such a great job at caring for mom.

But for me it was for my career and education, which has paid off to allow me the lifestyle that I have now.

There are many reasons people leave. I do know that when mom's time is up that I probably won't be returning to the town where I grew up. There are far more nicer places to live.

Career opportunity is probably the biggest single driving factor that gets people living in a place other than their home town.

The desire to be among like-minded people is another reason.

Climate is a factor (I know someone who actually moved to Minnesota to enjoy longer and snowier winters!)

Friends and spouses. Often spouses meet in college and they came from different parts of the country. They can't live near both sets of parents.

Some people may deliberately want to put a lot of miles between them and their parents -- especially if the family was dysfunctional. But I suspect most people wind up in locations far from their parents in spite of the distance, not because of it.

We live where we find employment for the most part. I'd venture to say that is why our parents settled where they settled. Before our parents get old and require care is the time for them to prepare for the future, NOT after we, their kids, have established a life elsewhere. Some parents do this and then some parents just shuffle through life expecting their kids to drop what they're doing, move where they are, leave their jobs and families behind. They got a chance at life doing it their way but don't afford their own kids the same privilege. Wow, talk about selfish!