Why do neighbors, family, friends & even strangers think it’s their place to accuse me of not doing enough for my family member?

It’s maddening. Every mouth has an opinion but lacks hands with action. Hugs to you

People 'think' their suggestions are helping, but they come across as critical, which is a really terrible thing to do to a caregiver, who is already over-burdened with responsibility.

I would get comfortable with the non-answer answer.

Just say 'Thanks for your input, I'll take it into consideration.' And then go ahead and do whatever you feel is best!

Sorry this has fallen on you. Sending well wishes to YOU.

tell them to and forget it. I guess MYOB would suffice, but these people really make me so angry that I tend to lose it.

Do what you need to do and make the decisions that need to be made. If the person you are caring for doesn't have bed sores, has food, water and safe then you are doing great. Let them talk and say thank you for the suggestion and keep doing what you're doing. Prayers

Because those people have pathetic lives and it makes them feel better to invent failures in others. They want to bring others down to their level so that everyone is as miserable as they are. It’s best to ignore them as much as possible. And as someone else mentioned, tell them to

When they say something, the first thing you do is say; when you want to step up to take full care of her let me know. I'll hand the reins right over. It has been my full time job. I'll expect you at 7am tomorrow. I bet you you get crickets. And then I would say; until you have stepped up to do it full time, keep your opinions to yourself. They are not wanted. Then silence and a glare.
They will only judge and say what they want till you are harsh and shut it down. Then they will stop. Or shut off all contact.
If they are allowed to get away with saying whatever they want, they will continue, until you've had enuff. Let them know you are done. But you have got to stand up on your end and say enuff. Good luck.

Deep breathes. Why not ask all the criticizers to please help out by visiting your aunt wherever she is. You know what you have done single-handedly, I agree it's sad and very hurtful not to be acknowledged for it! We recognize and honor you HERE. Feel free to vent and get support at any time!

My

Been there, done that. Stop whatever they are saying, and say, "I can't wait to hear what you have to say, but I need to ask first...what are you willing to do to help?" or better yet, "I'm so covered up just trying to make a living and take care of Mom that I am pretty strapped these days. Are you offering some financial help? Because I could sure use it (then name something). If they say, I might, or I will sometime later, stop them again and say, "I appreciate what you're saying but unless you are here, it's really hard for you to understand. THEN...cut them short with, "Hey! my mom sounds like she just fell, or something that will indicate that you do not have even a minute for yourself". It's HARD, but people don't understand the life or death-ness of the situation. If they are being nosy, you can not feel guilty for cutting them off.
I used to be a go along to get along person until I took care of my dad. I came out really strong. And, maybe this will help...all those people came while he was dying and wanted to help. NOPE. I chose who could be there. Period end of discussion. This was my Daddy's end of life, and I wanted it to be as sacred as possible.
I hope this helps. From where I'm sitting, I want to reach out and slap those people for you, but you are going to have to find some support that you trust, and let them stand with you.

My oldest sister, who is NOT involved with my mom’s care, started making suggestions one day after she saw a photo of my mother’s breakfast that the caregiver had posted. The photo showed my mom with a bowl of oatmeal, a small plate of fresh fruit, and a glass of juice.

My sister made a comment about how it looked like a lot of sugar for a diabetic. Arguably, she might be right, but my mom’s glucose is well regulated with Metformin and mom is 88.

I told my sister that I had no intention of micromanaging mom’s diet, and that if my sister thought she wanted to work with the caregiver to manage it, she was welcome to help. Haven’t heard a peep from her, since.

For the record, my mom never had a good diet and is probably eating more regularly and healthier now that someone is preparing her food. I don’t see it as my responsibility as her POA to provide her a better diet that she had for herself. Just want her to enjoy her meals.

You need to tell all those people family, neighbours etc, unless they have something constructive to say and they can follow that by doing something tangible you don’t need and want their advice.
But, lets face it, with your health problems, you should not carry this burden, it is not your fault, your aunt did not save for her retirement. You have already helped her a lot, time for others to step in or taking legal action.

Libster86: Sadly, armchair critics exist. You are doing a wonderful job; ignore such critiques.

I guess you might try saying something like"I guess you realized how monumental all her needs now are, so that is why you felt you had to disengage from her and never even visit. I cant do that, so imagine how it is for me." Probably wont sink into their thick skulls but call them out and then state you have nothing more to say to them, or hear from them, until ,and if ,they are ready to offer some concrete financial or physical assistance. God Bless you for,stepping up. Those nosy old sqwaking
crows arent worth your time and will be visited by Karma when they need help someday.

Nobody is required to care for any other person. At. All. If you choose to do so, I would assume that you do so out of love for your aunt. How much you do for her or why are not anyone else's concern. If anyone is so rude to accuse you of not doing enough, it might be appropriate to respond in the general manner of "Fine. Why don't you take over? I am sure you will do a much better job?" or, maybe, "What day of the week do you wish to take over full care for auntie?"

Anything you choose to do for another should be met with an appreciation of the time you are willing to donate for another's benefit, not a criticism concerning what more might be done.

I did not do as much for my mother in her final years as my sisters did. I did what I felt I could do for her without doing damage to myself. In the end, my sisters were happy for what I was willing to do even though they would have liked more help. They did what they were willing to do and I did what I was willing to do. Ultimately, whatever we do must be enough because that is all we can do. You should not do damage to your own health or mental well-being in caring for the dying. Who will care for you if you do? Certainly not those who would criticize you.

Check with local authorities about medicaid beds for your aunt and what kind of spending down of her estate will need to be done for her to qualify for medicaid-funded nursing care. You have done all you can. I do respect you and honor you for having done all you can do, but if you are asking this question you are on the edge of total burnout and you really need to step back from some or all of the burden of caregiving for your own health. Bless you for trying so hard. There are many of us who know the frustration of meeting our own limits. We understand. Please take care of yourself. We understand that, too.

Tell them they can do it (whatever "it" is). I decided to do just that. My husband's niece told me to just reason with him about spending his money for a caregiver. That is right, "reason" with someone with dementia. I told her I was going to let her do it. I talked to my therapist today and he said he thought it was a great idea to tell her something like this, "Oh, you want me to reason with him and just tell him we are going to use his savings for caregivers? I am going to let you do it."

It would depend on the circumstances, but if someone doesn't like what you are doing, either tell them to pound sand or just tell them to do it.

Just answer to yourself.

You know that you have done what you can do. That is perfect. Appreciate yourself, because others may not.

When someone is going downhill, everyone panics. That is natural. They are panicking. Fortunately you have held it together enough to help. That’s why you are the natural POA, not them.

So when they criticize you, be firm. Find strength inside to do your best to not be bothered. Remind yourself that they are criticizing, but not helping

Everytime they call to complain, delegate a task. “So glad you called… can you have dinner with Auntie at the care center next Thursday? Drop off some mail for her the following Wednesday?” For each complaint, assign something. Either the complaints will stop or you will get help.

I’m sorry you feel unappreciated for all you are doing for your aunt. If these “friends” are your aunt’s age my guess is that they feel afraid of their own future; a sort of “there but for the grace of God” feeling. They don’t like thinking about being dependent, it’s not so much that you aren’t doing right by your aunt but the loss of independence and control has them terrified. And complaining makes them feel like they are doing something, and in control of something.

In your situation I’d be tempted to lean in to the criticisms and suggestions; ask follow up questions and ask for their specific advice. Then agree with them and ask them what they could do to help, because I’m at my limit of what I can do. If they decline or change the subject I’d have some suggestions. And I’d do this every time they started in with the criticism. In other words, I’d have them feeling uncomfortable enough to avoid engaging me on this subject.

Similar story here. For the two friends she has left who have time for her but differ in their tolerance for her capacity, I am appreciative, very understanding of their limits, and vocal in my praise to them for their help.
I have had friends of hers speak to me as if she is already dead or have expectations of her that are beyond her capacity...I just don't really have enough time for their issues.
Family offers ideas that require more work from me while they do nothing at all. So now I call their bluff..."ok, come and get her" or "get the spare room ready, she's coming to visit." Naturally, as it would require money and effort she is still here.