Why do neighbors, family, friends & even strangers think it’s their place to accuse me of not doing enough for my family member?

You can back away too. Is she competent? Call Adult Protective Services to report her as a vulnerable adult. Do you have your own family to care for ? That is your primary responsibility. Get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=pd_bxgy_img_sccl_2/132-6625919-5810432?pd_rd_w=vkd8S&content-id=amzn1.sym.a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_p=a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_r=5QB9DZ5VNQ3S1JWGNTQ3&pd_rd_wg=wN9lr&pd_rd_r=25b5bd26-c59c-4e89-b454-542861446337&pd_rd_i=0310351804&psc=1

I see you have a very busy life in your profile and aunt is in assisted living. You are not the only answer to aunt's needs. Tell the brow beating cousin to get a geriatric care manager.

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

Because they are boorish buffalos? 🐂🐂🐂

My son said to me once "Thank you. But I don't remember asking for your opinion". Well oops! Sorry about that son 🙄 (Cheeky young man!)

You could use that in a clipped business like tone & a steely stare.

Or handball to them: I am ALL ears - just what would YOU do? Would YOU like to take over?? No??? Didn't think so... So zip it.

Many people try to offer *solutions*. When you may want is a kind listening ear instead.

All ears here.

You don't say what more the people you list think you should be doing that you aren't already doing. What sort of marvellous ideas are they coming up with? [Reading between the lines, I'm guessing at taking her home and caring for her 24/7? - lovely! Tell whoever came up with that one that they can feel free to volunteer.]

But as to the why anybody should think you should be doing anything, you answer the question in your first sentence - it's because you accepted power of attorney for her. That's why.

The only [non-professional] opinion besides your own that you need attach any importance to is your aunt's. What's she saying?

If your true feeling is that this lady doesn't deserve your support, or that supporting her is somebody else's job and not yours, or even that it's simply more than you can reasonably manage, you can resign your POA. I don't mean to suggest you use that as a threat or a bargaining tool, I mean it seriously. If this is beyond you, talk frankly to your aunt and the senior staff where she is and make arrangements. It can be done.

Your predicament has happened because you permitted it to happen, and you, and only you can extricate yourself.

OF COURSE the “loving relatives” X hundred miles away benefit from your efforts, as does your aunt.

But if you aren’t willing to say “No, I’m not able to do that”, to turn off your phone and check it only once a day, to treat yourself properly because of the kindness you’ve extended to Aunt (and presumably the rest of her vocal but nonfunctioning
pack), and MOST IMPORTANT, to let any and all comments/criticisms/“opinions” of the non-worker busy bodies roll off you and fall wherever they may, YOU NEED to seize those rights and play by your own rules.

Consider- what will happen if you STOP allowing yourself to be made your cousins’ tool/whipping target.

No reason for this except your reluctance to rock the boat.

Your peace is more important than the opinion of absent voices from far away.

Reclaim it. See how good it feels to ignore/silence/tune out “the voices”.

YOU DESERVE IT.

Yes.
Simply tell the person “You are welcome to take over as POA for ALL of her care. Otherwise i do not wish ti hear your comments.”

Call APS to do a wellness check, let the system take over.

What you are experiencing is quite normal in today's society.

My step mother is in memory care, she has a son who has not visited her in 20 years. Out of courtesy I contacted him when we placed her and my step dad in AL, that was 3 years ago, never heard another word until one day recently he tried to call her and she had been moved to another room from AL to MC, he called me, wanted to know why I did not tell him, well it just happened the day before and she had no phone in the new room as of yet.

I gave him an earful and asked him to take over her care...guess what...no go, he can't do that as he works and lives in another state.

He thanked me and my brother for caring for her and hung up. Don't think that he will be calling me anytime soon.

I guess he calls her once every 6 months or so.

As a POA you do not use your own money. If she doesn't have any, then place her in NH on Medicaid if she has no money. If she is incompetent, sell her house your POA should give you the right. Use the money for her care and then go back on Medicaid.

I could've written this except about my dad and not an aunt. Currently in crisis mode after a bad fall and now rehab and trying to figure out how to pay for him to be in SNF. He is immobile now and has Parkinsons and a host of other issues. I am an only child, mom is gone for 6 yrs now, and I am at end of rope with dad. Neither planned for any long-term care - when they both had strokes 2 weeks apart in 2015, I had to do it all, POA papers, even their wills. My dad was horrible with money and has nothing left now but SS and VA that I got for him. So now my husband and I will have to be the ones to clean out a huge house full of junk and sell it quickly so we can fund his SNF, which he's mad about. He'll be 90 on a couple weeks. He has 2 meddling cousins who think I am a horrible daughter, and have never once offered to help but give their opinions all the time. Otherwise, he's outlived everyone else in his family, so it's just me.

I don't really have advice but wanted to say how much I can relate to the frustration and the feeling of burnout that comes with this. Plus all the anger and resentment, followed by guilt for feeling that way. The best advice I can give is take care of yourself. I have an apt with a therapist next week, and I wish I'd done it sooner. I am hoping it helps.

Also I blocked the meddling cousins from contacting me or my dad on phones, social media, email. It's a nice feeling. If people aren't being helpful and only critical, why let that negativity in? Something to think about to help your sanity. Good luck, this is really, really hard and no one should have a say in what you're doing to help your aunt, when they've not been in your shoes.

You can absolutely resign as POA.

You should NOT be paying anything for her out of your money.

I would do a resignation letter and hand it to the social worker at her AL. Give them the cousins number.

They will do an emergency guardianship if she is unable to take care of things.

Then block your browbeating cousin from being able to contact you.

What they are both doing is taking advantage and you don't have to accept that.

The armchair critics, is what I call them. All the 'well meaning' cousins and friends and neighbors who do absolutely nothing for your aunt but feel entitled to cast judgement on YOU for what you are 'not' doing 'well enough' for her, by their standards, all while sitting in their armchairs clucking their tongues. I had 2 cousins doing that to me while they lived in NY and I lived in Colorado and had mom living in AL & then Memory Care AL. My one cousin would call mom all the time and tell her "Oh it's so sad you're living in a HOME and you should come live with ME in NY." When mom would tell me these stories, I'd tell her, "Great idea mom, have Barbara come pick you up IMMEDIATELY, but make sure to remind her you'll need medical transport b/c you're in a wheelchair, on oxygen, and won't be able to live anywhere in her home but on the main level. So she'll need to do a full remodel of her 4 level home." All Barbara wanted to do was point out how "I" was a "bad daughter" for 'putting mom in a home' and 'she was a good niece' for 'inviting her to live in her home' when the whole thing was a big charade anyway. Talk is cheap. Tell your armchair critics to put their money where their mouth is and come take care of Auntie THEMSELVES if they don't like how you're doing it. That will shut them up in short order.

Then tell Auntie you'll visit her on X day each week or month, and that's it. Take X amount of phone calls from her and let the ALF do the job she's paying a lot of money for them TO do for her each month. Hopefully you are not contributing any of YOUR money towards HER care. You'll need it for your own senior days when they get here.

You are not a gopher or a personal hand maiden for your aunt, so get that message across to her asap. Do what you need to do for her, and let the rest of it all GO. Ignore the calls and messages from the armchair critics, after you tell them to STEP UP and take over your job, if they don't like how you're doing it.

The end.

Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of yourself now, b/c you deserve to!

You must not have ever had children, or you'd recognize this syndrome from people telling you how to raise them day in and day out. It's pretty much the same thing -- people who aren't around every day think they know everything about your life and the person you care for whether they're six months old or 86 years old.

Libster, I'm glad other posters mentioned the browbeating cousin - I'd missed your profile post.

What relation is the East Coast cousin to your aunt?

Does this cousin *ever* put in an appearance?

One response could be, "I'm going to give your opinion the same importance as the time you give in caring for her."

It won't win you any friends but these aren't your friends anyway.

I am not certain what you mean by they have "backed away". Do you mean they are not visiting her? Perhaps they feel that she is not benefiting from their visits. Why not ask them if why, and ask them gently for their honesty with you, if honestly you care to know this.
Your title for this, however is disturbing to me, because people offer up too much of their own opinion, usually, when it is accepted. The best way to make it stop is to stop it right in its tracks. If a comment is made to your that is inappropriate tell the person so. If they are giving you input you don't want, tell them so. If they are overstepping their boundaries as friends, neighbors, family members, tell them so. If this is a problem you are having from more than a few people then there is some way you may be contributing to it. You may be asking for advice and opinions of others.
So practice the following: "I am doing the best I can and I really don't appreciate your advice."
As you can imagine you can elaborate on this all you wish. Start a practice journal. Write what someone has said, and then write your response. Make it fun.
"I am doing the best I can; your advice is not helpful. As you can imagine, you are not alone in knowing how to make this all perfect. If I had a penny for everyone who knew the answer better than I did I could hire on full time help."
You may get back "I am only trying to help. " If you get this say "Great. Buy us a bag of groceries the next time you shop; be certain it included a bottle of good red wine".

Because it's easier to gossip and place blame than it is to step up and help. I'm in a similar situation. I am the POA of my mother who is on Medicaid in a NH. When she had her massive stroke almost a year ago, she went through rehab for her 100 days with no noticable improvement. She could not go back to her farm, so I made the decision to keep her in long-term care at the nursing home. While my one brother supports me 100% and acknowledges that I'm doing much more than he will or wants to, her one living sister and neice (my first cousin) about me to my mother everytime they visit. At first I let it bother me, but a year later, I really don't give a .

You don't owe your aunt anything. You are not financially responsible for her bills. Let the bills go unpaid. She's not living at home anyway. You said you are doing everything you can to make sure that she is taken care of. That's all you can do. You really don't even need to visit her. All a durable POA does is make you responsible for decisions regarding her medical, financial, and legal matters. You are not in any way obligated to do anything else.

It took me almost a year to grow a thick enough skin to tell my relatives where to stick their advice, but I feel so much better since I've done it.

As my daughter says "turn it back on them". If they say "you could do more" you could say "at this time I can't but if you would like to help I would love to have to have it.

Or "if you think you can do a better job I will turn Moms care over to you"

Perhaps use your own comment to us - “She is bedridden, incontinent, diabetic and on continuous oxygen. She cannot go home”, plus “what do you suggest?”

If the comments come on the phone, a ‘semi-polite’ way to deal is to say “I’ve been having trouble with my phone recently”. If they keep going, hang up (faulty phone, of course). Don’t answer the call back.

Why do people offer unsolicited advice? Cuz they think they're soooo smart and so helpful but they're just ignorant jerks? This is VERY common so try to not let it bother you. You do your best, what you are comfortable with and think is right and if you care to engage with these know-it-alls - give them one of the sassy answers people have given you here. If they're actively bugging you, block them and drop them from your life.

Is auntie in a nursing home? If so, this shouldn't be a full time job anymore. The facility should be meeting most of her needs. Find ways to simplify everything in regards to her as possible. As POA I guess you will be selling her house and car, etc. assuming the money will be needed for her care. Or I guess she could go on medicaid and she'll have to pay them back from her estate some day.

Good luck.

Pat yourself on the back for a Job well done . It is a thankless Job . Once in a awhile you will get a Thank You . When she Passes they will all want a big funeral . No One will offer to help clean out the house either so be prepared for that and the Burial Plot . Just remember the last Month of social security goes back to the government so have enough savings for her cremation .

Yup. Many people who have never performed a job feel free to criticize. Just look at social media occasionally. Our society seems to have lost any concept of what is one's personal business.If they point out something that would be helpful, thank them and ask them when they will be doing it. If they know services available, ask them to make the calls and gather the information, you will be happy to go over it when it's complete. Give up on their approval; they don't look for opportunities to provide that.

Good Morning,

At that age most of their friends have passed on. And their friends are people they meet out at places--senior center, etc.

If you find a handful of people to build your care team, this may buy you some time. Although it sounds pretty advanced. We all have those relatives that need help and it's going to be even more so in the future with the high divorce rate in the U.S. and families living farther apart.

If your Aunt is a homeowner, you don't need the long-term insurance just meet with an Elder Lawyer and they will advise you. The long-term insurance is expensive so few people can continue with it because the premiums increase with age.

The hospital Social Worker can help too. You are not a one-man show so to speak.

When you're in your 80's you have all you can do to take care of yourself. This is nothing new caregiving. My mother God Bless Her took care of so many relatives in our home. Looking back, I don't know how she did it.

Sell everything soon. Doesn't sound like she should be driving from what you write. You are not stuck. Your Aunt has resources and you need to do this legally. Sounds like your Aunt needs around the clock skilled care, basically a nursing home.

Just recently a lady from Church told me her relative refused to go to a nursing home. She wants to leave the hospital, signed a form for no medical care, and was assigned a 24-hour hospice worker. Basically she will return home with no extraordinary means but will not die alone as hospice will be by her side. Her family is not in agreement with this but she has the right to make her decision.

These situations are not a one size fits all. Oftentimes the one doing all the work gets all the flack.

The goods news is your Aunt's primary care doctor (PCP) and a Church, hospital chaplain's office are all good resources so you can lighten your load, visit her without worry and make sure your Aunt is not in any pain and is cared for.

You should be commended. I, too, was always the one who showed up. Usually it was always 2AM. I'm older now and I have more knowledge about how to handle these situations. You learn the jargon and the chain of command, who writes the orders, etc.

We all need support and need to know we are not in this alone. But if you feel you are in this alone then build your team--Primary Care Doctor, hospital Social Worker, Elder Attorney, Church, Hospice if your Aunt refuses going to a facility.
The PCP Nurse Manager usually know more than the doctors. I have had good luck with the Nurse Practitioner's in the PCP's office.

Sign up for the the PCP portal. If your Aunt goes to a facility then that doctor at the NH now takes over along with their pharmacy.

I hope this helps. You look young. When I was in Grad School I had to do all of this just like you. I loved all of my relatives and wanted to do it and even with the love I found it so hard and exhausting since I was also working full-time.

Now I am in my 50's with a wealth of info to share. I hope I have given you some hope and I will pray for you today. You have some phone calls to make and I have always found medical personnel helpful.

If your Aunt goes to a facility kiss up and bring in pastry to the staff, tulips at Easter, etc. Your Aunt will get treated even better. Let them know you'll be around without being a pest and praise them! Amen Sister...

Several reasons: 1) Some people just LOVE to tell others what to do and how to do it; 2) Displaced guilt, because THEY aren't doing whatever it is they feel yo should do for her; and 3) Some people actually like to criticize, sort of as a hobby (I know a neighbor, passed on now, who admitted he enjoyed this.) If you're a person of faith, then you know God sees what's what and knows how hard you are working to do what you can for someone who apparently didn't look ahead in her own future. God bless you - she is so lucky to have you!

'Everyone has an opinion but has done nothing to help. I’m overwhelmed every single day.'

welcome to my world

I've started living this quote:

'Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.'

Richard M. Nixon

Yes the well-meaning relatives that make you feel like the 200% you are giving is not enough.

My elderly aunt once told me the 'cleaning lady' I hired for my father wasn't doing her job. I informed her that I hired a companion for him, not a cleaning lady. And it was only one day not two because my father was too cheap. He was perfectly capable of cleaning his own apartment at the time but his level of cleanliness was not my aunt's. The companion actually did laundry with him every week. My aunt looked at me like I should be cleaning his place. Since he was a man and all. My aunt was a life long housewife who thought that was what women do...take care of men. I had a full time job, my own house, kids and I was spending a lot of time managing my father's life. I was not about to add cleaning his apartment to my list. I will say, she actually did clean it for him once.

Then there is my cousin. She had nothing going on in her life so she tries to latch on to others. I received several urgent messages from her over Facebook, home phone...and the line crosser...my work phone demanding to know what WE were going to do about my father's situation. I have no idea how she got my work phone number. WE weren't doing anything with her in AZ and US in NJ. Unless she was volunteering to run him to his many unnecessary doctor appointments, there was nothing she could do that would make life easier. And I didn't need the added stress of her demanding to know what was going on. I ended up cutting her off. She cried to all our cousins about what a meanie I was...all she wanted to do was help.

Hello, just remember people are fickle! As long as your conscious is clear, disregard their opinions! As we all ( should) know we are held accountable for any action not done out of love! From what I’ve read you’ve been exemplary…stay encouraged 💕 and keep showing love and respect! Say to those nay slayers “ if you can do it better than me… here, sign on this dotted line.” Then you can wash your hands and be done😊

I would block all relatives numbers and emails - as far as strangers I’m confused how a stranger would be aware who you are or the circumstances. If a relative somehow contacts you and says anything negative simply say “ what are *you* able to contribute dear?”

I would for you sanity sake consider finding another arrangement a different person to do this, you can legally resign as poa or if that isn’t something you want to do as I said simply block their numbers so they can’t contact and insult you

You can't worry about what others think. I know...easier said than done sometimes, but it is so necessary to let things roll off of your back. You know you are doing the best you can and without you she would more than likely be a ward of the state if there truly is no one else to manage her care. Ignore their comments or better yet, block their calls if you must.

I have found that most of the folks giving their opinion have never taken care of an elderly family member and have absolutely no idea what is truly involved.

My mom had a very vulgar saying ...."an opinion is like an , everybody's got one".

The second saying that I've heard is "don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask advice from".

I hope I have given you a chuckle for the day!

It's very common among elderly people for their "friends" to back away when one of the group gets sick or needs care. Elderly people who are in good health and still enjoying life do not want to get themselves caught in the caregiving net. That's perfectly understandable.
Who knows one of those extremely rare seniors who don't offer their totally unsolicited opinion and two cents on anything and everything?
If you actually do know one then you've got a unicorn right there.
Family who do nothing always offer their advice and will often demand hourly updates on the condition of their beloved relative This is for show. If they are not willing to take on any of the care burden for the elderly "loved one" they are not owed an explanation. If you have relatives who live a far distance away but want to keep them updated, start a group text. This is what I did when my father was sick and I was his POA. I updated the text at my leisure and that was it. I did not take questions. My siblings were totally cool with it and did not criticize one thing I did. They didn't want anything or expect any inheritance and were grateful to not have to handle any of it.
Your aunt belongs in a nursing home. How can someone in her condition be properly cared for at home unless you get very lucky and find some serious homecare CNA's and can arrange them 24-hours a day?
Even then, she likely needs more care then can be done in the home.
Send an email out to your family and your aunt's friends and tell them this. Her elderly friends might not have email so write up a newsletter and send it to them. Let them know that she cannot be cared for at home and if by the Grace of God she improves and does not have to live the rest of her life in a nursing home, she will go to an AL facility or into a senior community.
Then include a 'PS'. It should read as follows:

Ps. None of this is up for discussion. No one needs or will benefit from your two-cents and unsolicited advice.
If any of you think you can do better, I will gladly turn the POA (Power of Attorney) for Aunt ______ over to you and with my blessing. Thanks.

This should do it.

Be proud of yourself for doing so much for your aunt. Ignore the criticisms. It's easy to be a critic, and very difficult to be a caregiver as you are. She should not be living at home. She's at the point where she needs to be in assisted living. Connect with a social worker to discuss what her options are. Much will depend on her financial condition. As POA, you can sell the house and car to pay for her care. Do what you can to simplify her life and make your caregiving more bearable for you. I set up online access for all of my aunt's (and mother's) accounts and set up autopayments where I could. At this point, all bills should come to you, not go to her home address. All the best to you and your aunt.

Unfortunately, those with difficult personalities and poor health habits often drive away friends and family with their problem behaviors. DO NOT listen to those who do not help. Consider streamlining your aunt's belongings and care so your second job can become more of a part time job.