Why do I feel so guilty and frustrated that I would like a couple of afternoons a week to myself?

No need to tell any "lies" - you and your brother must both be in dire need of a break.

Try again to find help with her bed time routine, only make it more regular and better defined. Is money a problem? Have you already approached your (mother's, that is) local area agency on aging for advice about finding services?

Does your mom live with your brother? Is he providing full time help for her? How advanced is her dementia?

You say your doctor is concerned that you are doing too much. I am concerned that you are BOTH doing too much. Also, can her routine be somehow simplified? For example, is she bathed every day? If so, that might be unnecessary, IMHO.

It may not always be easy to find reliable help, but don't give up. If it doesn't work out with one person, move on to the next, etc. Someone that can take care of what needs to be done for X hours a day and you and your brother can catch a break!

So, if I understand from your other posts, brother lives with mom and you go every day after work to help get mom to bed (because she needs 2 folks to move her?..or because lady parts are involved?).

Have you looked into assistive devices like a Hoyer lift or sit-to-stand?

You say brother doesn't want a hospital bed for aesthetic reasons?

Please consult the NP about that and follow his/her advice.

Have you called a home health care agency like VNS to get reliable care? Why do you let brother call the shots?

No one is going to stand up for your health but you.

Your mum will be ok you need time to yourself to get back some rest I feel the same iam in mid 40s and my partner had a stroke two years ago he’s a couple of years younger than me so really we’re both still young but I feel sometimes my life is just rubbish I don’t have anyone to talk to I don’t speak to my family all my friends have drifted off I don’t have a good happy life at the moment it’s not fair I just feel tired everyday because I care for him I do everything I never seem to get a break I left myself go I always looked nice had a social life now I have nothing but constant worry sorry for going on but it nice to be able to talk

If you do not take care of yourself (an looks like nobody else is doing it) you WILL crash and burn. Kind of sounds like you are there already.

You work FT. Does brother also? Are you spelling him b/c he's with mom 24/7? Or doing the 'lady things' such as bathing her, etc., that may make him uncomfortable.

It's high time you hired some of this work out. A CG can come at any time. Could you find a way to pay someone 3-4 times a week to spell you and brother? If you have read many posts, there is one statement that seems to recur frequently: 33% of CG's die BEFORE the person they're caring for. I see it all the time. The 'healthy' spouse dies suddenly, leaving the needy spouse up a creek.

It takes a village to raise a family and a village to care for an elder. Please find some help--your dr is right, nobody is impervious to the stress of non stop CG.

Mom does not need a bath every day.
Does your brother do the daily change of clothes? Take care of her toileting needs? (changing, cleaning...)
Your brother can brush mom's teeth just as easily as you can.
I think taking a few days off from doing this should not be a problem,
HOWEVER....
Your brother if he is doing care 24/7/365 does need a break.
I am sure you coming for a few hours every day is a break that he needs.

If he is doing the main caregiving daily and overnight as well he needs help, m ore than just you for a few hours.
Contact an agency and have a caregiver come in at least 4 days a week for a minimum of a 6 to 8 hour day.

Is mom on Hospice?
If not you might want to look into it. You would get a Nurse that would come in 1 time a week. A CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and order supplies and change bedding if needed.
And you would also have the availability to request a Volunteer that could come in and sit with mom while your brother runs or and does some errands or just has a bit of time for himself.

I understand your frustration and your tiredness after working all day.

You didn't mention your Brother.

Being someone's Caregiver 24 7 is too hard and will cause Burn Out.

If your brother is doing this, even if he's not working outside if the home is Too Much!

#1, your mom doesn't need to be bathed every day!

Old peoples skin is dry and thin and bathing every day will just dry them our more.
2-3 Baths a week is fine.

Check with mom's Insurance and mom's Dr and see if Mom can have Home Health.
If so then you'll have a Nurse come by once or twice a month to check on her and you'll have an Aide cone 2-3 times a week to help mom bathe.

Insurance does not furnish a Caregiver unless she has that in her Insurance Plan.

You need to get on line and find part time Care Giver Help like 3 days a week for 2-4 hrs a day Mon - Fri then you can nor go at all to your mom's during the week to help your brother with mom.

Then you can visit mom on a weekend.

Keep in mind, if your brother is the main Caregiver, he needs One Day a Week OFF! To recharge.

Taking care of someone 24 7 is Awful.

You can even go On Line and see what Services the City's Aging Dept has to offer.

I went On Line to find Caregivers for my Dad.

Caregiver'a can be pricey but you can find someone for $10 -$12hr Cash.

If there are finances, consult a home health care agency. You need a home health care aide to come in to clean mom, dress mom, and maybe do some cooking and/or cleaning. Most aides come in for 4 hours at the least. Try to get help in for most of the week so you can rest after work. This will also give your brother a little time off as well. You both deserve this help.

This is not a sustainable model.  If home health assist not accessible in your area, try hiring nursing students...they are often looking for a cash side hustle.  If all else fails, you may need to consider moving her to a care facility.  You need a life too!  And your health.  ALso agree below that daily bathing unless soiled or smelly is not necessarily a good thing.  We moved to a 3 or 4x/week shower schedule for my husband and notice no smells.  Now instead of a 'hurry up' activity, he can dally around as long as he likes...I carve out 90 minutes so he can continue to do most of this himself with minimal assist/oversight.  I know it seems small, but this is a big deal to him.

Wow, this is way too much for you to keep doing. Your health will decline running this schedule and so will your brother's.

Ask mom's primary care for a social worker consult to help you find caregiver assistance.

Their are many home care agencies that you can google and locate. Read the reviews and after all your brother is present to monitor the care of the aides.

In the meantime you can scale back some of her needs. Mom does not need a sponge bath or shower everyday.

If your father was in active duty during a war, your mother qualifies for age and attendance. Check with Veterans Affairs for more info.

You aren't clear if your brother is with her 24/7. In case he is…at this pace after you're through with caring for her you'll just transition to one sibling taking care of the other. Just figure on tacking on another 20 years to your current life style. You may not even have to wait too long before both efforts, mom and caring for a sibling, may overlap.
1) Your obligation is not to take care of your mom but to make sure she is taken care of.
2) Are you married with family? They must be your priority.
3) It may be time to bring her in to adult day care or full time care.
4) Manage Care Advisor - I'm not sure if this is the right name but there are agencies where you can hire a specialist that will size up your situation and then tell you options you may not be aware of.
Don't wait. I went from working and caring for my in-laws, to sharing care for my parents, to currently caring full-time for my husband.
You'll wind up not recognizing yourself.

Wow, with all that is going on and your own life and responsibilities, why are YOU doing what obviously is harming you greatly. You can't get a suitable caretaker. What does your brother do? Why can't he do what you do so you have some time off? I have said it hundreds of times before - when the impact is too much and harming the one who takes care so much, then they must be placed.

Atwitsend4: Imho, you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, a church program, et al, else you fall faint and become ill and will be good to no one. You must take care of YOURSELF first and foremost before you can provide care for anyone else.

Are either one of you getting paid? Because if so that changes the equation dramatically.

SIL is being paid, and at rates substantively above average on the open market. She negotiated for herself two full days off that are actually the weekend. They pay for an unrelated caregiver to come there then at at nights.

So as a $65,000/year person, we expect her to do her job. Her job is to be with them, not manipulate Brother into calling us with less than 24-hour notice because she would like to entertain a relative no one in this family has heard of, and whom no one in this family will ever think of as family. She gaslights him consistently with "it's your MOOOTHER." Well yeah it is, but you're getting paid.

She is minimally skilled and the problems are piling up. The parents however are very well off. If they and she don't recognize the need for more care that frankly none of the family is equipped to provide, then that is not on us.

Don't feel guilty because you need a little "me time". I am in my 60's and I've been retired for over 5 years. Two years ago I moved my mother and sister in with me because it was too much work driving to their house 3 to 5 days a week. But they managed those 3 to 5 days. I retired and moved them in with me a little over a year ago. My retirement was cut completely. I work 16 hours a day. I prepare 3 hot meals wash dishes 3 times a day do laundry shopping and banking. I even give then supervised showers which they did themselves before they moved in with me. We have a $13000 walk in tub and shower. It's safe and designed for their age and needs. I felt guilty because I wanted to GET AWAY FOR A DAY AN AFTERNOON OR AN EVENING.. But like you I worried what would be the result of me taking off. I have three other adult siblings who live within 15 to 30 minutes and they have not offered to assist. It's really not as bad as I'm making it seem but they get out of bed and sit at the breakfast table. After breakfast they go back to bed until lunch time so I wash the dishes clean up the dining room vacuum the floor and do lunch,. Same routine . They come downstairs for lunch sit for two hours at the dining room table and go back to bed. Dinner is the worst. After sleeping or lying in bed most of the day I literally have to tell my mom to come down and eat three or four times before she gets up. They sit at the dinner table from 7:30 or 8:00 until almost 10:30 at which time I have to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes. She does not have to walk down any stairs because I purchased a stair lift when she moved in. I've searched for part time help even if I have to pay for it just so I can get away for a little while. Go for a long drive with my dogs without having to rush back home, I've asked them to wash their own dishes so they rinse them off with cold water leaving food. Funny. They know if I see the dirty dishes I am just going to wash them again. So I asked them to stop washing dishes. Now that I've vented for 2 full pages it was just to show I really understand what you are going through. My family has suggested calling in a home care or health care services at my own expense of course. On the other hand My apprehension is finding someone who is healthy and is not asking about their bank accounts and insurance during an interview, especially since I am the one paying them. One of the last places I checked on was a service called Seniors Helping Seniors. It was affordable but again the personal questions were not appropriate. Don't feel guilty about needing to get away set some boundaries and do something for yourself or you might need someone to come and take care of you as well. We can not maintain our own health if we focus only on the other person. It will become even more frustrating if you can't find time for you. Be a blessing to mom but be a blessing to yourself as well.

Peace and Prayers.

The helping out a bit.. can be stable for a long while.. or a slippery slope to supporting full needs. With dementia - it WILL be a slippery slope to full needs. That is where you are now.

When in this deep, working, surviving, it is hard to look up. But if you can, please do. Pause, stop & think. What is the bigger longer term plan?

Have a relaxed sit down chat with your Brother & ask his view/plans.

If your brother gets ill - or you do - what would you do?

I have not read the other responses, so what I’m about to say may have already been said…

You shouldn’t lie. You should lay everything out. You, my honey, are burnt out and need help. Your brother should be the reliable relief for you, and should cover for you once a week, if not more. As easy going and sweet as your mom is (count yourself lucky, there), it is still draining.

You and your brother are adults and can have adult conversations. Be frank. Clearly express your feelings, and make it clear what you need from him - a day off, once a week ( or twice a week if he’s more willing). It’s not fair for one to bear the full burden, because in the end, the estate is going to be split 50-50 regardless of how much caring you did for how many decades.

"My doctor is concerned that doing too much, too often will cause an injury (I am almost 60)."

You and your brother are lifting your mother, right? What happens if (when?) you do injure yourself?

Has a facility been considered? What is your mother's financial situation?