Why do I feel guilty about my mom helping with living expenses?

I understand how you can have conflicting feelings. Part of you feels that this is my mom, I shouldn't have her paying anything to stay with me in her time of need. Sit down and add up all of the extra expenses you are now responsible for. Food, utilities, cleaning supplies, a larger home to accommodate her equals a larger mortgage payment, bigger property tax bill, more upkeep, gas and extra wear on the car (oil changes, tires,mileage). Mom is basically paying to rent the space she is in which includes her utilities, housekeeping, meals, transportation to and from appointments. A rental agreement with mom would be a good idea so you have proof that she was not gifting you money, proof that you do not take financial advantage of her, or that those funds should be counted towards any part of your portion of the estate if there is one. Talk to your tax preparer to see how this will affect your taxes, certain things done to her living space and depreciation of it may be one way to lower the taxable amount, they will know. As others have said, 1000 a month is nothing compared to other living options. A decent assisted living facility would run about 5000 a month, as her needs rise so too would the private pay fees for other arrangements. My SILS had a fit because MIL gave us 500 a month(year 2 of staying with us, nothing 1st year), we spent more than that for her care, they only saw it as money they were not going to get. As it was we put funds into an account and didn't touch it for just incase she needed something major ie new hearing aides etc. I would not share your "guilt" with your siblings, it's a can of worms you do not want to open, the lid will never be replaced. Those that cheer from the sidelines and do not help out have absolutely zero idea of what you do on a daily basis, nor do they care. Depending on your area, rental property is very expensive to downright outrageous and would not include everything you are, on top of your caregiving. You are doing fine, let the guilt go, you have enough on your plate to worry about. One other thing to consider is that by paying you rent mom feels that she is contributing to the house too and is not a financial burden to you. It also helps her self esteem.

Draw up a caregiver contract with your mom, outlining what you do for her in exchange for the $1K a month. It will show you both how much is involved. It will also be good for your siblings to see that you’re earning what you’re receiving and not merely taking mom’s money. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and seeing it spelled out in detail will prove that to all of you

Is there a reason you feel guilt regarding her money? Besides telling you not to feel guilty which others already said, another option is if there’s something about it that bothers your conscience, the kind of “elephant in the room”answer is you have the option not to accept it or accept a lesser amount instead

Your mom did not object to paying you. Right? You are helping her by being extremely generous to her in providing a home and loving care.

Why would you want to deny her the right to contribute funds for her expenses? She isn’t asking for charity.

Please don’t feel guilty. You aren’t a lottery winner with tons of money. So, you are entitled to money that is being used for legitimate living expenses.

I do not see anything wrong with your mom helping out and no need to feel guilty. It would cost a lot more elsewhere.

One should only feel guilt when one has done something wrong (and many of those who have done wrong, don't have even a smidge of guilt in their minds!)

What is it that you have done wrong? You bought a larger home to welcome her and provide for what she wanted. You've taken her in and care for her. You've given up your job, which will reduce your own future finances, perhaps jeopardizing your own needs.

If mom is agreeable to this arrangement and your siblings are *more or less* supportive, what's to be guilty of?

Enjoy your mother while you can. Enjoy your lovely home. Make the most of it all while you can! The only caveats are those others have mentioned. Hopefully the payment and conditions for it have been documented legally. IF she is paying for care you provide, you should have a care-giver's agreement, also drawn up legally AND should be having all taxes withdrawn (State, Federal, SS and FICA (covers a lot, but includes Medicare.) Elder law atty can help with documents and perhaps with providing tax information. I use an IRS Enrolled Agent, who has to stay up-to-date with ALL IRS rules and changes. He doesn't charge any more than the local Blockheads AND knows what he's doing! Since you would be considered self-employed, you could probably pay these as quarterly estimates - a good tax person would be able to advise you.

Also, if you manage her SS funds, you should (if you haven't already) sign up as rep payee. While one *can* manage her account where the SS funds are deposited, SS does NOT accept this. I took over mom's account and paid her bills with it, but when we moved her to MC and planned to sell the place, changing address became a problem. Federal mail can't be forwarded and without being her rep payee, I couldn't make the change (POAs do NOT work for federal entities.) Legally it is the only way one should handle any other person's SS funds (clearly spelled out in the documentation that came with the application and approval!)

Try to let the guilt feelings go. You are doing your best to care for her, you have siblings who don't seem to be fighting you or bucking the system, and all seems relatively great - relish it all!!!

(EDIT: also, $1000/month is PEANUTS!!! Mom's MC place is over $8k and NH estimates would be likely double that! If it's for her care, that's only $33/day - you couldn't hire much more than 1 hr/day help, if that, for that kind of money! If it's to offset the cost of a larger home to accommodate her, then she's still getting a GREAT deal! Could she rent even a small apartment for that amount? Probably not, but she also gets a bonus caregiver for her "rent".)

I think you are experiencing a form of false guilt for whatever reasons. Your job as a full-time caregiver will increase as time goes on. You will need extra help and breaks. Please do not feel guilty. Enjoy the good days with your mom and family.

I agree with other posts. Do not feel guilty. My parents have home care-big bucks. My mother insisted on keeping her housekeeper that she pays way more than $1000 a month. You are worth it-the hardest job there is-no days off, worry, stress, etc. is all on you-invest the extra into IRA and protection for your retirement own needs down the road.

You have made a very difficult decision out of love, and it is time for you to consider that when one is 88 and has been “sick throughout the year” the time may come when her needs could exceed your ability to plan for providing for her care.

If your “guilt” is because you are receiving the money, consider the fact that however much more help you will need to continue to maintain her level of care, the amount you are receiving is nowhere NEAR what her expenses would (or will) be if she ultimately needs 24/7 care.

Consider also that Mom’s right to “refuse” is based on her ability to make valid decisions and manage her own welfare realistically and lucidly, which can vary/change in a short time span.

Finally, whatever you have done “for her comfort”, may or may not continue to work for her as her other circumstances and general health continue to change.

So the guilt? It doesn’t really serve anyone well, least of all you or your mother. The only real concern is keeping fastidious records concerning where the $1,000 goes, so that it is CLEAR that your mother receives $1,000 benefit from her “donation” every month. Perhaps input from an accountant of financial manager or lawyer can help you with this. Consider your goal to be allowing the guilt to dissipate, rather than whether or not to share it. That’s because what you do with love and research and planning may not result in perfect solutions (there aren’t any) but may be the only choices you have.

I personally can't find anything here to feel guilty about... But it is a personal thing. I suppose any guilt is from the way you think about the issue.

Do you think your Mother should receive hands-on care & housing from her offspring - no matter the financial burden to them?

I know my Dad did. So it caused him guilt that he could not provide this. (House still full with children, was still employed full-time etc).

From your profile: "Wanting to care for mom in my home. I will not be able to work outside the home at all. Is there financial assistance that will help with monthly expenses."

Why on earth do you feel guilty? You had to stop working to do this. And now she's only giving you $1000/month? What does that work out to be for an hourly rate? Is this an official caregiver contract with taxes taken out? I hope so.

Why are you feeling guilty about your house? Who paid for it?

Your siblings should be the ones feeling guilty, because they are getting one heck of a deal getting out of doing anything by your getting the measly pittance of $1000/month for taking care of your mother, "who is 88 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and urinary tract infection."