Why do I feel guilty about my mom helping with living expenses?

From your profile: "Wanting to care for mom in my home. I will not be able to work outside the home at all. Is there financial assistance that will help with monthly expenses."

Why on earth do you feel guilty? You had to stop working to do this. And now she's only giving you $1000/month? What does that work out to be for an hourly rate? Is this an official caregiver contract with taxes taken out? I hope so.

Why are you feeling guilty about your house? Who paid for it?

Your siblings should be the ones feeling guilty, because they are getting one heck of a deal getting out of doing anything by your getting the measly pittance of $1000/month for taking care of your mother, "who is 88 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and urinary tract infection."

I personally can't find anything here to feel guilty about... But it is a personal thing. I suppose any guilt is from the way you think about the issue.

Do you think your Mother should receive hands-on care & housing from her offspring - no matter the financial burden to them?

I know my Dad did. So it caused him guilt that he could not provide this. (House still full with children, was still employed full-time etc).

You have made a very difficult decision out of love, and it is time for you to consider that when one is 88 and has been “sick throughout the year” the time may come when her needs could exceed your ability to plan for providing for her care.

If your “guilt” is because you are receiving the money, consider the fact that however much more help you will need to continue to maintain her level of care, the amount you are receiving is nowhere NEAR what her expenses would (or will) be if she ultimately needs 24/7 care.

Consider also that Mom’s right to “refuse” is based on her ability to make valid decisions and manage her own welfare realistically and lucidly, which can vary/change in a short time span.

Finally, whatever you have done “for her comfort”, may or may not continue to work for her as her other circumstances and general health continue to change.

So the guilt? It doesn’t really serve anyone well, least of all you or your mother. The only real concern is keeping fastidious records concerning where the $1,000 goes, so that it is CLEAR that your mother receives $1,000 benefit from her “donation” every month. Perhaps input from an accountant of financial manager or lawyer can help you with this. Consider your goal to be allowing the guilt to dissipate, rather than whether or not to share it. That’s because what you do with love and research and planning may not result in perfect solutions (there aren’t any) but may be the only choices you have.

I agree with other posts. Do not feel guilty. My parents have home care-big bucks. My mother insisted on keeping her housekeeper that she pays way more than $1000 a month. You are worth it-the hardest job there is-no days off, worry, stress, etc. is all on you-invest the extra into IRA and protection for your retirement own needs down the road.

I think you are experiencing a form of false guilt for whatever reasons. Your job as a full-time caregiver will increase as time goes on. You will need extra help and breaks. Please do not feel guilty. Enjoy the good days with your mom and family.

One should only feel guilt when one has done something wrong (and many of those who have done wrong, don't have even a smidge of guilt in their minds!)

What is it that you have done wrong? You bought a larger home to welcome her and provide for what she wanted. You've taken her in and care for her. You've given up your job, which will reduce your own future finances, perhaps jeopardizing your own needs.

If mom is agreeable to this arrangement and your siblings are *more or less* supportive, what's to be guilty of?

Enjoy your mother while you can. Enjoy your lovely home. Make the most of it all while you can! The only caveats are those others have mentioned. Hopefully the payment and conditions for it have been documented legally. IF she is paying for care you provide, you should have a care-giver's agreement, also drawn up legally AND should be having all taxes withdrawn (State, Federal, SS and FICA (covers a lot, but includes Medicare.) Elder law atty can help with documents and perhaps with providing tax information. I use an IRS Enrolled Agent, who has to stay up-to-date with ALL IRS rules and changes. He doesn't charge any more than the local Blockheads AND knows what he's doing! Since you would be considered self-employed, you could probably pay these as quarterly estimates - a good tax person would be able to advise you.

Also, if you manage her SS funds, you should (if you haven't already) sign up as rep payee. While one *can* manage her account where the SS funds are deposited, SS does NOT accept this. I took over mom's account and paid her bills with it, but when we moved her to MC and planned to sell the place, changing address became a problem. Federal mail can't be forwarded and without being her rep payee, I couldn't make the change (POAs do NOT work for federal entities.) Legally it is the only way one should handle any other person's SS funds (clearly spelled out in the documentation that came with the application and approval!)

Try to let the guilt feelings go. You are doing your best to care for her, you have siblings who don't seem to be fighting you or bucking the system, and all seems relatively great - relish it all!!!

(EDIT: also, $1000/month is PEANUTS!!! Mom's MC place is over $8k and NH estimates would be likely double that! If it's for her care, that's only $33/day - you couldn't hire much more than 1 hr/day help, if that, for that kind of money! If it's to offset the cost of a larger home to accommodate her, then she's still getting a GREAT deal! Could she rent even a small apartment for that amount? Probably not, but she also gets a bonus caregiver for her "rent".)

I do not see anything wrong with your mom helping out and no need to feel guilty. It would cost a lot more elsewhere.

Your mom did not object to paying you. Right? You are helping her by being extremely generous to her in providing a home and loving care.

Why would you want to deny her the right to contribute funds for her expenses? She isn’t asking for charity.

Please don’t feel guilty. You aren’t a lottery winner with tons of money. So, you are entitled to money that is being used for legitimate living expenses.

Is there a reason you feel guilt regarding her money? Besides telling you not to feel guilty which others already said, another option is if there’s something about it that bothers your conscience, the kind of “elephant in the room”answer is you have the option not to accept it or accept a lesser amount instead

Draw up a caregiver contract with your mom, outlining what you do for her in exchange for the $1K a month. It will show you both how much is involved. It will also be good for your siblings to see that you’re earning what you’re receiving and not merely taking mom’s money. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and seeing it spelled out in detail will prove that to all of you

I understand how you can have conflicting feelings. Part of you feels that this is my mom, I shouldn't have her paying anything to stay with me in her time of need. Sit down and add up all of the extra expenses you are now responsible for. Food, utilities, cleaning supplies, a larger home to accommodate her equals a larger mortgage payment, bigger property tax bill, more upkeep, gas and extra wear on the car (oil changes, tires,mileage). Mom is basically paying to rent the space she is in which includes her utilities, housekeeping, meals, transportation to and from appointments. A rental agreement with mom would be a good idea so you have proof that she was not gifting you money, proof that you do not take financial advantage of her, or that those funds should be counted towards any part of your portion of the estate if there is one. Talk to your tax preparer to see how this will affect your taxes, certain things done to her living space and depreciation of it may be one way to lower the taxable amount, they will know. As others have said, 1000 a month is nothing compared to other living options. A decent assisted living facility would run about 5000 a month, as her needs rise so too would the private pay fees for other arrangements. My SILS had a fit because MIL gave us 500 a month(year 2 of staying with us, nothing 1st year), we spent more than that for her care, they only saw it as money they were not going to get. As it was we put funds into an account and didn't touch it for just incase she needed something major ie new hearing aides etc. I would not share your "guilt" with your siblings, it's a can of worms you do not want to open, the lid will never be replaced. Those that cheer from the sidelines and do not help out have absolutely zero idea of what you do on a daily basis, nor do they care. Depending on your area, rental property is very expensive to downright outrageous and would not include everything you are, on top of your caregiving. You are doing fine, let the guilt go, you have enough on your plate to worry about. One other thing to consider is that by paying you rent mom feels that she is contributing to the house too and is not a financial burden to you. It also helps her self esteem.

I don’t think you should feel guilty, if this is a number your mom can afford.
$1000 ($12,000 a year) is actually less than half of what most healthy retirees live on a year 30-35k.
sounds like you’re giving your mom a beautiful life, and a comfortable place, with her family. Assisted-living, and nursing homes, are astronomical which you probably know, also with all the shut downs, everyone is isolated which is heartbreaking.
I guarantee her expenses would be a lot higher if she lived in a house.
Currently figuring this out for my mom, and her expenses are out of control living on her own.
Sometimes it gives purpose.
My grandpa (96 yro) paid rent to my parents, he loved it. He also did a little projects around the house and fixed things all the time and it kept him active. He liked the feeling of being able to contribute.
If you’re feeling super guilty I would take a look at her finances to make sure it’s not over something she can afford. If it is may be adjusted a little bit to her income?

To be frank I cannot IMAGINE why you feel guilty about this. Is it typical of your behavior, of what you do? No, don't share your personal angst and feelings with siblings who then go to spouses and friends and then come back and waters are muddied. Just be certain that you have LEGALLY addressed this with a care plan and contract, that you report this to IRS, or can prove your room and board costs, etc. And then move on.
I had a shrink once who said "You can divide the world into two lines. One line feels that they are not responsible to anything that happens/ed. The other line feels that they are responsible for EVERYTHING." I asked her which line I should get into and she said "Well, I don't know yet, but that second line is easier to treat". I suspect you can get in that second line. So relax. Be easier on yourself. You are the "responsible one. Responsible to expect herself to do everything, and responsible for everything that goes wrong, and nothing that goes right".
If you only need REASSURANCE, come here for it. We can tell you. Or go to friends. The family? Nah. There will be ENOUGH family trauma. Don't go there.

Why feel guilty? AL would run $5-10k a month depending on where you live. Add in a 24/7 caregiver and your mom is living the good life!

I think I posted, but had another thought. How are you going to afford this place if mom and her money end up in nursing home? If affordability depends on an additional $1K per month, start working on a plan now.

Do you need the money for monthly living expenses? If you do not need the money put in a savings account. Use it to start planning for when she has to be moved to a facility. Keep it for emergencies or when she passes distribute in a manner you think she would have wanted.

If you need the money get past it.

Can you Mother afford to give you $1000? She would be paying rent somewhere. If she can afford it just say thank you.

Maybe you feel you should be providing for her as she did for you when you were younger. maybe you feel you should be able to afford the bigger place without her contribution. Maybe you have a hard time receiving gifts. Search your heart for the fears and insecurities that lurk in the shadows. Name them and bring them into the light. Fear only has power when you allow it to.

No. Don't rock the boat, don't mention it to siblings, and continue to accept the $1K/month. You may or may not continue to feel this guilt, but worse can happen, probably will, if you act on it.

I should have a look at the market cost of 24/7 care in one's own home, and see how much of a dent $1000K a month would make in it (very small dent, I think you'll find).

If your siblings have their heads screwed on, they probably already know they are getting a bargain. Did your mother also contribute to the capital cost of buying the new home?

I hope you have looked ahead to what happens when your mother begins to need a higher level of care. If you haven't already discussed this with your mother and any siblings she would like involved in the planning, do so. You will save a lot of stress and trouble by figuring out the time, costs and work required in advance, and thinking where you might find additional resources. Nobody can do this single-handed.

I worked 32 hrs per week in Elder Care and I made more than $1000 a month. Peanuts, really, after the first couple of months, I realized that what I felt would be a pretty good job was kind of more like indentured servitude. Luckily, I did not live in, and went home after work.

Why do you feel guilty for doing what others in your family will not do???

My YB moved mother in with him 23 years ago. When she passes, each of the rest of us will inherit $9800. We're ALL just giving the money to YB. He has not been paid for all these years, and mother has pretty much ruined his personal family dynamic. Not out of spite or anything--anybody who lives with you 24/7 for 23 years is going to impact the family dynamic.

I'd feel guilty if I DIDN'T give YB my small inheritance. We also 'sneak' money to him as he has not been able to work a 2nd job (he's an EMT and all of them have to work a side job--he has not been able to). End of the year, the 4 of us sibs who can, usually gift him between $1K-5K. He doesn't know it's from us--and he wouldn't take it if he knew.

My father lived with me as he aged and eventually became ill. I am fortunate enough to have a profession, which provides me a very good living. My father paid the electric bill and I took care of everything else. He did not need to pay anything but he wanted to help out and it gave him a sense of pride. Of course, whatever he paid needed to be within his means and not onerous. We must respect our parents emotional well being, and their contribution to the household gives them a sense of independence and usefulness. My father never felt as if he was receiving charity; he viewed himself as my flatmate. Do not feel guilty for your parent helping financially, if the contribution is within their means and it is their decision.

Don’t feel bad. She is actually saving money by moving in with you. If she was living alone, the cost of caregivers alone would be incredibly high. In my area, the cost of a caregiver per hour is $25. That comes to $1000 a week for just 40 hrs of work. This does not include all other expenses. Your mom is getting around the clock care by living with you for just $1000 a month! If anything, you mom is a smart cookie by choosing to live with you. (Grin)

Also, you can stash that money away to pay for a caregiver when you need a break. Believe me, caregiving is EXHAUSTING!!!!

You need to stop that tape in your head. You are doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. It will get worse over time bc she will need more help.
Every ti.e that thought comes in your head, you have to immediately think of something else and move on. Dont forget to take time for yourself. That is paramount so you can take care of her.
Are you sure that guilt isn't coming from siblings?
Your time is worth something. So you should be paid. You are with her 247.
You should be happy you get to spend time with her. Dont let siings guilt you. Notice how they didnt step up. Id make them put in time staying with her so you get mental breaks too. Good luck

Would you have bought the larger home if mom did not need to live with you?
As pointed out by others, Assisted Living would cost plus or minus $5K a month.
You are an angel in disguise.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Your mom is not going to live forever and that income will be cut off. Just remember that. Eventually her care will require oral care, diapering, bathing, toileting, feeding, including cleaning her private parts since she will not be able to do it--CAN you deal with her excrement and that level of care? My mom became so eaten up with Alzheimer's disease I eventually had to get a feeding tube so she would not die of dehydration (can take 2 weeks--it's barbaric to die that way), and induce bowel movements on schedule three times a week or she would get horribly impacted. Mom did great, and she was only bed ridden for 2-1/2 months because I kept her moving. She died of OTHER REASONS, natural causes, at age 90, not related to her Alzheimer's so she could have been a walkie-talkie self caring person the same would have happened. Mom's skin was in perfect condition. No bed sores. Her lungs were clear (yes I got hospice to do chest x-rays on occason). Mum had a lot of health problems like insulin-dependent diabetes (I kept her sugars in great shape!...her A1C was 6.1. Sometimes 5.9), kidney disease (from years and years and years of diabetes), and untreatable high cholesterol -- I say UNTREATABLE because of her Alzheimer's was so bad she could not tell if she is having side effects from cholesterol lowering statin medications -- if her legs started hurting due to statin side effects, she could instead fall, so her cholesterol was 219 near her death. Still she lived to be 90. After the feeding tube mom never again had a urinary tract infection because she was well hydrated. Her urine was clear even days before her death. Well, that's a long story so I won't get into it. But I used hospice like a home clinic. Mum was on hospice for 2 years. I used them for routine labs and keep her routine meds reordered--she was just on lopressor and 70-30 insulin, and I even got hospice to order her accucheck machine strips, and I had to get a new accucheck machine once and they ordered it for me so I got all that for free. The doctors and nurses were shocked how well she did considering her end-stage Alzheimer's and multiple chronic diseases but man...her care was HORRENDOUS and required intense medical interventions on my part. To keep her alive and healthy. Nothing invasive. just good care and monitoring. She never needed a single drop of narcotics and never was on psychiatric meds either. She did good.

If you cannot deal with this 100% level of care, you will have to get her on MEDICAID for nursing home placement. And by acquiring her monies you will have a 5 year look back law to deal with. This is considered "gifting" because you did not do it right.

I suggest you go to an eldercare attorney and get financial issues resolved. A CAREGIVER'S CONTRACT including tax attorney to set up a corporation for maximum deductibles, that she becomes your employer so Medicaid will not penalize her. FURTHER, estate planning includes property.

ANYTHING that goes into PROBATE, Medicaid can seize due to Estate Recovery Law.

I miss mum, but you have no idea what you are getting yourself into and I can only advise look and plan ahead.

If you were taking more than fair market value for your help and housing, you would have something to feel guilty about. But You do realize that your mother could not hire full-time round the clock care for $1000 a month. Also, your mother contributing to the expenses probably helps her feel independent and not a freeloader. My oldest son and I live together. We share the expenses - as housemates should.

Mkrace: it sounds like I'm reading something "I" would have written. Other than selling my home (because the home I live in was already big enough), everything you've said, describes me, and what I'm going through. I felt "guilty" at first, as well; but I don't anymore. My 88 year-old mother (who has dementia), has been living with me since 2016, when my father passed away. I have five other siblings, and some of them wanted to put her into a "home". I won't get into my feelings about that. Memory care in my area, "starts" at $3,000 a month! There's no way she could afford that. But I would NOT put her in a home. I wanted her to live with me, because we've always been close, and I knew I could give her better care, than ANY facility. My family is very dysfunctional; and hardly speaks at all anymore since my father passed away. (another story in itself). I wouldn't share the guilt with your siblings at all, because there's nothing to feel guilty "about". If she were living on her own, she would still have expenses, but "nobody" to take care of her. I could write so much more; but I probably wouldn't have the room to do so. I wish we could talk about this further. I'm on Facebook, but I can't give you my name on here.

What do you mean by “her furniture, is part of her trust & you won’t get anything”? Who is the beneficiary? I’m not saying you should get everything when they’re that many siblings. Do you have a copy of the trust? You should since she lives with you and you need to know her wishes. But you should not feel guilty about the monthly income to help with expenses.

Be happy. I gave up a career to move in with both my parents and their view is they are “giving me” room/board and that should be enough compensation. They are saving $15-$20K/year by not needing the very part-time eldercare we had put in place and I am losing more than double that amount!!

I was overseas when sibling contacted me telling me it was a necessity for me to return and assist. I was wrong not to insist on an outside “assessment of need” as well as use a eldercare lawyer to arrange specifically what my role and compensation would be.

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY. Be thankful your mother validates and appreciates your efforts. I WOULD STRONGLY advise the use of an elder care attorney to make sure all is in order—especially with regards to “gifting”. They know how to arrange things in case of the Medicaid look-back thing

I fortunately my father has used that has his “weapon of choice” for not wanting to pay me...and I have given up in a care-giver agreement. (It’s “too much to handle” with the taxes and all....).

I got a job at 16 and never took a dime from him since...no sense starting at age 63! Instead, after being here for 15 months, I will be moving to a close-by apartment and volunteering my cooking and driving services. Beyond that, they can hire the help they may need.

The eldercare lawyer was extremely helpful in reviewing their will and finally putting in place POA...as well as explaining the “gifting” and potential Medicaid issues.

It sounds like you have an appreciative mother and supportive family! Be thankful!! (But do see the elder care lawyer!!)