Why do I feel guilty about my mom helping with living expenses?

I feel like there's a lot of missing information here. Did you sell her house, or sell your house? Did you combine assets by buying a larger home? You say you will not receive property because of trust. What property? -- the house that you say you just purchased, or your mother's belongings? Where is the $1000 per month coming from? The answers to these questions are important should your mother ever need to go into long term care and need Medicaid assistance. A trust does not protect assets should she need said assistance, it merely packages assets without protection of them for you or your sibs. I believe your question to the forum was because you needed someone to tell you it's ok and you did right by your mother. Likely you did. But legally, should the wheels of government assistance ever start to move, you might have to seek legal help to sort out your financial arrangement. It actually should have been done prior to any buying and selling of property...and with a Medicaid attorney, not a trust attorney or a elder law attorney, most don't know the Medicaid laws.

If you are close and have trust with your siblings, I see no reason why you shouldn't share your guilt feelings with them. As the primary caregiver of my Mom who lives with me and my husband, I know how important it is to be able to share your feelings and sometimes vent to people who are close to you. Sharing helps me stay sane!

As far as feeling guilty; you are doing SO much for your Mom both emotionally and in physically caring for her needs, I think that financial help is her only way of contributing, and it probably makes her feel useful. It's easy for a stranger to tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, but getting some financial compensation is perfectly acceptable for all that you do. So try not to let guilt consume you, and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Been there Done that

No, I would not tell them! They would probably give both you and your mother a hard time about it. Believe me I know! Don't put your mother through that! Be grateful you have such a wonderful mother and that you have her with you. If the money is too much and you feel guilty about it ...talk to your mother! Not the siblings! Maybe you could put the money that is not needed in savings so that when/if your mother needs it ...it will be there for her.

If you really feel the arrangement is overly-generous in your favor, just tell your mother you don't need that much money each month and to lower the amount. You can inform your siblings of the change. No need to tell anybody you feel "guilty".

My mother's assisted living home receives $5000 or so a month to provide housing, washing, one cleaning a week, and food. Your mother is getting a great deal. Let go of the guilt. It is unwarranted and undeserved.

As a caregiver, trust me, $1000.00 will seem petty. Do not feel guilty. If your mom were living on her own, she would probably be paying more than what she is paying you. As far as your siblings, this agreement is between you and your mom.

Imho, do not feel guilty about this money.

I don't see why you should feel guilty at all, it's great that you are keeping your mother with you. Do you treat her like she is not wanted, or beat her, or dismiss her as just another thing that is in the way of you being able to live your life? It doesn't sound like you resent her living with you, and mothers today have a tough road with most of their children. Aging isn't seen as someone who has been there, done it and can ease the younger generation's road to making mistakes that don't have to be made, how to do things the old fashioned way and the stories of our lives that can help them understand how and what we did to become the people we are today. Not many computer, cellphone, tablet or whatever device they replaced people with and now worship as the all knowing, and unlimited information retrieval system that just can't be put down, people look at age as wisdom anymore. If only they knew how wrong they are, but let them learn, as they sit at an electric socket charging thier batteries and living life through a inanimate object. Batteries, wifi, internet, texting and gaming are who and what we are today, that's who matters now. If the satellites and towers all stop working, this world is going to be a funny place to live and watch as no one ever taught anyone how to exist and do things without the help of a hand held device attached to see them through. Anyway, I think you are an angel for not devising a way to have your mother put into a home or whatever and allowing her to stay with you. If she is able to chip in however much, 1,000.00 to ease your burden, then she is doing it and that has to ease her mind in having to move in with you as well. There are so many stories told of children who are sick and tired of their parent, or parents, and thieving, abusing, neglecting and of course throwing an aging parent into homes where they are left to die alone, or almost alone. I am planning on taking a long walk off a short pier when I find myself at the mercy of my oldest child, that's just not going to happen for me. My child is totally all about herself and hates old people, she's a nurse as well, but old people don't have any place in this world, so she would not be allowing one, even her own mother, to cramp her style and live in her home. Probably has a lethal injection put aside for me in case I ever show up at her door to ask. I won't, but it would be nice if she were more like you, and I knew that if I needed her she would accept me and take me in. So, don't feel guilty, there are ,many who should and don't, you actually are doing the right thing, and your siblings are going to be the final test after the smoke clears. Guilt on their part can lead to jealousy toward the sibling who did the right thing out of the kindness and love she had for a mother who needed her. Have a great time with your mom, you only get one, and your lucky you were her choice out of all your siblings, when a mother dies it hurts like nothing else, so use the time to make memories you can turn to when you can't turn to your mother anymore. Good Life to you both.

My dear, if you were your mother would you want your grown child to feel guilty for receiving funds for giving you the best loving care that you could possibly receive? I venture to say not. The care you are giving your mother, along with the love, is absolutely priceless.

I know because I cared for my 89-year-old mother for five years and yes, I was paid $1000 per month for her care about the last year or so. My dear Mom lived with hubby and I for five years, the first few years I was able to work and did not take payment.

Please don’t feel guilty, caregiving is tough tough business, and if this little bit of financial resource helps, then accept it graciously, without guilt. Again, you are providing your Mother with something priceless.

Regarding sharing your guilt (which I hope you learn to shed) with your siblings, I probably would share it with your friends or your spouse or even a therapist. No need to drag siblings into this as sometimes it’s best to just handle things without involving them otherwise things tend to get too complicated.

On a personal note to you. As I said previously, caregiving is tough business. We don’t talk about it, we are not educated on it and typically we have no experience doing it. I look back on my life and caring for my Mom was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have done, even though my mom was a joy it was like having a toddler at my age (late 50’s) due to her dementia. Having lost my sweet Mother in January, I look back and I would have had it no other way. I miss that lil’ lady so much and I feel so blessed to have had her living with me her last year’s here on earth. It was an honor to care for her and an absolute privilege to love her. You are doing a great job!

Your mom and your siblings are getting a bargain. Doesn’t appear you are getting much in the way of caregiving help from your siblings. What’s wrong with ppl. Why is it that one sibling usually takes on the load and the others are missing in action. If they take issue with the measly $1000 per month then shame on them!!
I am a carer to both elderly nearly 90 year old parents in their own home. Meals, cleaning, meds etc. It’s all on me. I have siblings and they know I am gifted $900 a month by my parents. I’m honest with them about it. Best way in my opinion. If they don’t like it too bad. They are welcome to the job but are happy not to have that burden.

A lot of ppl would be happy that the siblings have the confidence in you to leave you to it, knowing you will speak if you need something. $1000 a month is "nothing" in today's world. You can't find an apartment for under $2000 where I live. You are doing the right thing, you get my vote!