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Last year, my 88 yr old Mother came to live with me and my family. She has been sick throughout the year, in the hospital, then rehabilitation. Currently, I am primary caregiver and handle all transportation to doctors and PT.
During the pandemic, I sold and purchased a larger home with first floor master, so I could move in all her furniture. She insisted she wanted her furniture if she was giving up her own home.
Her furniture and all her belongings are part of her trust so I will not receive her property.
Why is it now, I feel guilty that I have this beautiful home and receive $1000 a month from her to help with living expenses?
I have six siblings that all support this arrangement to varying degrees. However, no other sibling could care for her, plus Mom refuses to live with anyone else.


Help? Do I share this guilt with my siblings? I wish I could have done all this without her help. But I can’t. I know my logic vs emotion are conflicted.

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Also, you can stash that money away to pay for a caregiver when you need a break. Believe me, caregiving is EXHAUSTING!!!!
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Reply to Worriedspouse
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annemculver Nov 16, 2020
And one person cannot do it all!!
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Would you have bought the larger home if mom did not need to live with you?
As pointed out by others, Assisted Living would cost plus or minus $5K a month.
You are an angel in disguise.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Reply to OldBob1936
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No, I would not tell them! They would probably give both you and your mother a hard time about it. Believe me I know! Don't put your mother through that! Be grateful you have such a wonderful mother and that you have her with you. If the money is too much and you feel guilty about it ...talk to your mother! Not the siblings! Maybe you could put the money that is not needed in savings so that when/if your mother needs it ...it will be there for her.
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Reply to FamilyNeeded
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My mother's assisted living home receives $5000 or so a month to provide housing, washing, one cleaning a week, and food. Your mother is getting a great deal. Let go of the guilt. It is unwarranted and undeserved.
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Reply to horticulturist
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I worked 32 hrs per week in Elder Care and I made more than $1000 a month. Peanuts, really, after the first couple of months, I realized that what I felt would be a pretty good job was kind of more like indentured servitude. Luckily, I did not live in, and went home after work.

Why do you feel guilty for doing what others in your family will not do???

My YB moved mother in with him 23 years ago. When she passes, each of the rest of us will inherit $9800. We're ALL just giving the money to YB. He has not been paid for all these years, and mother has pretty much ruined his personal family dynamic. Not out of spite or anything--anybody who lives with you 24/7 for 23 years is going to impact the family dynamic.

I'd feel guilty if I DIDN'T give YB my small inheritance. We also 'sneak' money to him as he has not been able to work a 2nd job (he's an EMT and all of them have to work a side job--he has not been able to). End of the year, the 4 of us sibs who can, usually gift him between $1K-5K. He doesn't know it's from us--and he wouldn't take it if he knew.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 15, 2020
You have a lovely heart! Everyone should have a sibling like you.
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You need to stop that tape in your head. You are doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. It will get worse over time bc she will need more help.
Every ti.e that thought comes in your head, you have to immediately think of something else and move on. Dont forget to take time for yourself. That is paramount so you can take care of her.
Are you sure that guilt isn't coming from siblings?
Your time is worth something. So you should be paid. You are with her 247.
You should be happy you get to spend time with her. Dont let siings guilt you. Notice how they didnt step up. Id make them put in time staying with her so you get mental breaks too. Good luck
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Reply to Jasmina
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If you were taking more than fair market value for your help and housing, you would have something to feel guilty about. But You do realize that your mother could not hire full-time round the clock care for $1000 a month. Also, your mother contributing to the expenses probably helps her feel independent and not a freeloader. My oldest son and I live together. We share the expenses - as housemates should.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 16, 2020
Because you are a fair mom! I know that your son appreciates it.
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Do you need the money for monthly living expenses? If you do not need the money put in a savings account. Use it to start planning for when she has to be moved to a facility. Keep it for emergencies or when she passes distribute in a manner you think she would have wanted.

If you need the money get past it.

Can you Mother afford to give you $1000? She would be paying rent somewhere. If she can afford it just say thank you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 15, 2020
Totally agree with you. Her mom is getting a sweet deal! Assisted living would cost a whole lot more.
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As a caregiver, trust me, $1000.00 will seem petty. Do not feel guilty. If your mom were living on her own, she would probably be paying more than what she is paying you. As far as your siblings, this agreement is between you and your mom.
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Reply to chill47
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Your mom and your siblings are getting a bargain. Doesn’t appear you are getting much in the way of caregiving help from your siblings. What’s wrong with ppl. Why is it that one sibling usually takes on the load and the others are missing in action. If they take issue with the measly $1000 per month then shame on them!!
I am a carer to both elderly nearly 90 year old parents in their own home. Meals, cleaning, meds etc. It’s all on me. I have siblings and they know I am gifted $900 a month by my parents. I’m honest with them about it. Best way in my opinion. If they don’t like it too bad. They are welcome to the job but are happy not to have that burden.
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