Why do I feel compelled to respond to mother's complaints? It is the hardest thing to not take what she says personally.

I'd be tempted to tell her that she should try lying in bed in a nursing home and see how she likes that.

This to me is a clear case of biting the hand that feeds her. She does it because she knows she can get away with it. She controls you because you're the one thing left that she can control.

There's no need to respond to her complaints, except if you want to point out that her complaints are baseless and counterproductive. If I heard the complaint about the color of the water pitcher, I'd tell her "If you don't like the pitcher, don't drink the water." When we were kids, my mother would tell us "Drink it or wear it." You can make the same point without going to that extreme. Basically, like it or leave it. Stop offering solutions. She can drink the water or not drink it. She's lucky to have a daughter who provides her with a bed in her own home with a container of water next to it. She needs to see that. Or not. But you need to see it, at least.

You had a fairly good relationship before her illness.

Really?

Could you describe it a bit, if you'd like to?

The thing is. It isn't obvious to me that when a person you love and get on with well is crabby for reasons you can perfectly understand, you feel personal culpability for everything that cross, unhappy person then finds fault with.

You can be sorry she's bed bound. You can be sorry she's rattling with medication. You can be sorry that she's feeling ill, frightened, frustrated, just plain sorry for herself even. All of those are legitimate grievances, to which the appropriate response is "oh dear, poor old you" and a hug.

But to start feeling that YOU are her problem, or that God forbid she's so envious of your youth and health that she's actually ill-wishing her own daughter...

That's... not a rational or even a common response.

So. I wonder. What was your "good" relationship built on?

Demstress watch out for yourself.. it is too risky to your own health to continuously be treated so mean by your mother.. How cruel and thoughtless of her to you and living in your house and you taking care of her.. if she is in her right mind or perhaps dementia has set in.. or has she always been controlling of you.. narcissistic and self centered.. You need to take care of yourself first and most likely will need some help with your mother as her anger is directed toward you. As they say bite the hand that feeds you. An outside helper most likely won’t suffer the same treatment and hopefully resources to help with financial costs.. perhaps a senior center could set you in the right direction. It might be time for assisted living for her. Seek help and notify her physician before she saps the life out of you.

I've got to say that the comment about the water pitcher struck me as being pretty typical of some with dementia.

My "pretty good relationship" with my mom was based on very limited exposure. I was able to hold it together and be sweet and nice for about an hour. Tops. After that, her politics, her illogic 
( before dementia) and her way of thinking drove me mad. If I'd had to live with her or vice versa, I would have considered suicide or homelessness preferable.

Get her seen by her doctor. Get a needs assessment from your local Area Agency on Aging.

And if she starts to complain, try saying brightly "Oh I'll come back when you're in a better frame of mind"

Thank you all for answering my concerns. Spirit dancer, I wondered about the description of "narcissistic." I am not quite sure if being narcissistic is the same as being selfish. My mother has always been generous when she was well, but since she is ill she cares mainly for herself, could be self-preservation and an understandable reaction. I guess when one becomes overly concerned about their own well-being at the expense of others that the problems emerge.
BarbBrooklyn, before parents moved from Queens, New York, I saw them a couple of times a year. Always pleasant visits, but living now with people 24/7 that I haven't lived with in more than 30 years has been a major adjustment. Maybe I can never adjust because we are just too different. I do appreciate the questions because I can delve deeper into what is causing me to have such a strong reaction of my mother.

You just described my grandmother. Yes if she was unhappy she wanted to make sure everyone else was too. You pushes you around because she knows she can. You need to push back. Don't like the color of the pitcher? Oh well, when you decide to like the color you can get yourself a drink. I'm sure we all had our parents say this to us as a child...but heaven forbid we say that to an elder who is behaving the same way. She wants to see you jump to make her feel better. Stop acting like every little whim of hers is a crisis.

You are a person and your mother is a person, so it is certainly natural to take interactions personally. And it is hard to get out of a reasonable habit you have had since childhood.

While your mother is still a person, she isn't the person she was. It does sound like she has dementia, but even if the change is "just" from losing her independence and being bedbound, the change is real.

Have you ever had a time in your life when your reactions were not "you"? I know that I am having a depressive episode when I am not "me." Several years ago I cried on the phone with my boss, and I snapped at a coworker I liked a lot. Definitely "not me" behavior. I made a psychiatric appointment. Also when I was in the hospital for an emergency I was clearly not in my right mind for several days. I apologized to a few people when I got well!

So I am not surprised that your poor mom, with her medical issues, loss of independence, and mobility problems isn't fully herself. And if she has dementia, there is serious physical damage in her brain. I think if she had been narcissistic all your life you would know it! More likely she is self-centered now because of her circumstances. But look up narcissism and see what you think.

Could you be a little over-sensitive from all these negatives of your mother's? For example "try to lie in my bed and see how you like it" I take to be similar to the often-used expression, "try walking in my shoes for a mile." I don't take it that she wants you to be sick, but that she wants you sympathize with what she is going through. Maybe a response like this is appropriate: "Mom, I can't even imagine what you have to cope with. You are doing amazing! I hope I can be as strong as you are if I ever do lie in a similar bed!" Acknowledge her feelings. Express sympathy and admiration.

For the water container comment I'm not sure I could keep from laughing out loud, but I would prefer to take it in stride as if it were a perfectly normal comment. "Oh. I'm sorry about that. Are there other colors you can't drink from? I'll put them on a sticky note by the sink so I can remember that. My memory isn't getting any younger!"

How can you stop taking things so personally? Remember that your mother now has some personality defects. She didn't ask for them and if she could really have an objective view of herself she'd probably be appalled.

Would you consider getting some counseling to help you cope with this very challenging situation? It is sad to dread seeing your mother every morning!

Me, age 10: Mom, I'm hungry!

Mom: Have an apple.

Me: I don't WANT an apple!

Mom: Well, I guess you're not hungry then.

The pitcher thing made me laugh too, for this reason.

I haven't lived in the same town as my mother since I was 15 (I went to live with my father). Now that I'm staying with her and being her caregiver, I feel like I didn't know who she really is at all. And I love her, but I don't really like who she is very much!

You have to be pretty thick-skinned to be a caregiver, I think, whether that person has dementia or a personality disorder or is just cranky from pain, health problems, and declining independence. And you have to be really good at boundaries. If you're determined to keep your mom at home and out of a facility, I strongly urge you to get some counseling. That's going to be the thing you need to toughen up your skin and to become more able to set your boundaries with your mom.

The other thing that helps me a lot is this forum. This is one of the few safe places you will ever have to vent whatever you need to vent, and know that you'll find a lot of folks who've been through the same thing. Keep coming back! If you don't get it out SOMEWHERE, it will eat you up inside.

Also, as others have suggested elsewhere, look up "Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG)" online.  Lots of it is geared around dealing with dysfunction like personality disorders, mental illness, etc., but I think you'll find some helpful stuff out there. 

@demstress - I’m so sad to hear your story. I too am an only child and my mother was an Italian-born widow. So I understand that not having siblings means that NO ONE can understand what you’re going through. Are you also caring for your elderly father as well? In my case, my husband and I had made a deathbed promise to my father in 1988 to care for my mother. She eventually ended up living with us in a house we had built to accommodate her needs. It was a grueling job to manage her care and needs in addition to working a full time job and raising three kids for me. But as the dementia and depression set in, that’s when similar behavior to what you’re describing occurred on a daily basis. Our story is long and will be published online soon, but we went to seek legal guardianship and a corrupt and greedy NJ attorney that was a complete stranger to my mother convinced her to fight the guardianship and won. There were no siblings or distant relatives challenging a will or wanting money.  The last thing my mother said to us in the NJ county courthouse was “I never agreed with my grandchildren going into the military so I hope they ALL die in battle and I hope you and your husband end up all alone”. Maybe it was the dementia or the psychosis talking, but a curse like that - follows one forever. Especially as an only child, who cared for their parent for 24 years. The really sad part is - my mother passed away all alone years later under the guardianship of the lawyer pal of the first greedy lawyer. She weighed in at only 70 pounds and didn’t even know who was caring for her and thus more than half of her estate went unaccounted for by the time she died.  It’s not about the money, but rather the unexpected and terrible way that ones parent’s personality completely changes when dementia and mental illness sets in. I hope you can somehow get your mom into an assisted living facility soon, so you aren’t stressed out by her hurtful words. Remember, with dementia, they trust the stranger sitting next to them on a bus, before the caregiver who is lovingly taking care of them.

One thing that really struck me when I was talking with my therapist is when she told me that my dad wanted me to "suffer with" him. It is quite common she said when people resent how their lives have changed and they see you as not suffering like them, so they do the complaining etc. so that you can feel what their suffering is like. A book that I suggest you get and read is Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chafetz. It will give you ways to respond to her as well as ways to understand her behavior. It is a quick read but full of good tips. It helped me a lot. He is a psychologist who counsels adult children of difficult parents.
How you respond will help you not take it personally.

You could get a portable CD player/radio and have it on you with your earplugs in from the time you walk into her room in the morning and just smile and nod as you move about all day. My mom never complained much when I had her home with me about how I did things because she wasn't with it enough, but when sundowning she nearly drove me nuts with the "somebody's trying to kill me" and similar hollering and the combativeness at shower time or other attempts at hygiene. One of us would have been dead at this point had it not been for the nursing home. Thank you, Lord.

Next time she tells you to lie in her bed do just that.... lie down next to her. When she asks you what you think your are doing tell her that she's right, you need to lie in her bed. And then you can tell her, "Hey, while I'm lying here, who's going to take care of us? Guess I better get back up so I can finish taking care of you." (Humor can go a long way) As for the water jug.... get her a crayon of the right color and tell her to color it. Always do this stuff in a joking matter and smile. But be ready to duck if she throws it at you.

Demstress,
Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Don't attribute her behavior to Dementia, unless diagnosed as such by a professional.

When dealing with someone who has NPD, the worst thing you can do (although understandable) is to get defensive and explain your actions. Giving a rational basis for your actions only fuels her aggression; it is one symptom of NPD. Try being as "stoic" as possible, and resist the urge to respond. WARNING: this is very difficult, and requires constant vigilance...especially when your guard is down.

I have been dealing with the same situation as you, and made every mistake in the book. Age and the guise of Dementia can be an excuse for an underlying personality disorder which has been written off as being "critical", "cranky", or "opinionated". Look back at your relationship, and try to recall if there was a pattern of verbal or emotional abuse.

NPD is one of the most prevalent, if not undiagnosed, disorders there are...Google NPD, and you might find similar dynamics as your own experiences.

Chat back if you'd like; I have a large resource for this disorder.
Good luck!

I thought Country Mouse sounded a tad harsh. Perhaps your mom's personality has changed. And it does change the relationship immensely to go from being independent to having to rely on anyone. I think the closer the relationship the harder it is. The child grows up and the parent almost becomes the child. I've gotten to the point where I don't take what my narcissistic mother says to me personally - at least I try. But it's hard - your mother is supposed to love you unconditionally and when they don't AND you are doing all you can to care for them - it's like a slap in the face. My mom is in great shape for 91 - still cooks/drives and I feel blessed. But she still finds things to complain about. I finally told her I'm doing the best I can - as I might as well be an only child since my 2 brothers don't really do anything to assist. I'm not sure what is down the road - but I'm pretty sure it will only get worse the more she loses her mobility. It took me forever to get her to use a cane...Now I'm trying to get some help to come in so that I can have a weekend off from time to time. I really don't like her to be by herself all day but I have to work. And she is stubborn. She acts like I'm the only one that can assist - but I'm burned out with all the responsibilities. So do what you can to get a break - take a yoga class, get a facial, mani-pedi/go the park and read a book -whatever makes you feel good inside and brings you joy. Life is too short to be miserable. And don't let them jerk you around because they can and they will. Good luck to you!

Wow, I can empathize with you. My mother has an excuse and come back for just about everything. Those closest to you seem to take things out on those closest to them. I think they get so frustrated with their situation they need to make someone else feel the misery they feel but I don't think they do it conciously with aging most of the time. I finally realized after caring for my mother 24/7 for 4-5 month at a time that it just wasn't and wouldn't work anymore. I asked for help from my sister and stepped away. I still help but not 24/7 at least not for awhile. When it started affecting me physically and emotionally I had to admit it was time to admit I needed a break.

The comment about the color of the water pitcher brought back a memory. Several decades ago I rented an upstairs apartment from a couple elderly women, and the older one (92 y/o) said she sometimes knocked over her glass, spilling the water. She had problems with her vision, so I suggested the use of a colored glass which would be easier to see. She liked that suggestion and did so. I wonder if demstress's mother has the same problem (assuming she is capable of handling the pitcher herself); perhaps she is incapable of identifying and explaining the specific issue. However, if you ask her what color pitcher she wants, this might solve the problem. (One can only hope!)

I am with Jeanne. Her reply suggestions for your mom are on spot. I think when a person is struggling, they often lash out at those closest to them, because they are the "safest"....they will continue to love you.

I will admit that once, when my mom was at the stage yours is, I calmly said, "mom, I love you and want to take care of you, but if you feel I am doing such a poor job at it, we can go look at nursing homes." She was quiet for a bit... Then said she loved me. It only lasted about a day, then she forgot all about it again. Lol

boy when i say i understand and hear you i do. First and foremost, there are absolutely nothing you can do to make her happy or change the way she is. Bless your heart for helping both of your parents. i can not begin to imagine the amount of stress you are under. one little advice i can give you, take time out for yourself, walk to release your stress, maybe a home health aid once in a while would help too, get a social worker involve too to see what is available to you. please don't loose yourself. my mom is the same way so i feel your pain. take care of you; if you get sick then what? take care of your mental state because all of this can drive you deep into depression and have anxiety attack. You need your sanity.

Best advice I was given was don't take it personally that your parent(s) don't really know or mean what they may say. It's tough for you I am sure but just go in with a smile and let her complaints/comments go. You have to be the positive one as they cannot at this time. If you have a friend or family member that can give you a break for a day or few hours occasionally ask them. Pay them for a few hours of their time. None of us have any comprehension of what really to expect, do or how we should handle our aging parents or our feelings whether good or bad until we have to, then we look for answers. Everyone's experience and answers are different. We have to love them for how they are today the same as they loved us when we born and the rest of our lives.

I completely understand everything that you're feeling! I'm not the sole caregiver, but when I am there for my mother she complains non-stop, is rarely concerned about anything other than something negative - that always ends up coming back to how awful she feels or how awful I am for not spending every spare second I have with her (even though I don't live in the same town). It's a never ending cycle of complaining, whining, faked illnesses for attention and a dozen more that would make the Pope swear. It took me a LONG time to get over feeling guilty about everything concerning my mother that didn't suit her. Guilt should only be felt when you've actually done something that you know is wrong - not when someone SAYS you're guilty just because they didn't get their way. And believe me, changing your mindset about guilt isn't going to happen overnight. Do your best - that's all you can do. But also take care of you. A difficult parent can be overwhelming. Peace and patience to you.

Oh boy can I relate! Before 7 years ago, I too had a great relationship with my mom. I didn’t live in the same city so when visiting for a weekend, everything was sunshine and rainbows.

After my stepfather passed away in 2011 and because of my own circumstances, I moved to the same city as my mom. That’s when I noticed the phobias and paranoia. For instance, she would not take her meds if she thought they were “old” - not expired, but more than a week sitting on her counter or in her bathroom cabinet. It could be anything - shampoo or body lotion. Same with food. I could not get her to understand expiration dates. It didn’t change her mind. Then I noticed she was spending all her money, which she had little of. She went every single day and got fast food for lunch. She would go to the store and buy two things and two days later do the same thing. She would write a check for cash of $100, and could/would not tell me what it was for. This, of course, was causing a shortage in her bank account where she would have to pay her bills late. I took over paying her bills (online), but she fought having me on her bank account.

I finally put my foot down and retained a POA, took away her checkbook and debit card and had my name added to her checking account.

Her health deteriorated by her own hand and she started falling. I had meals delivered to her so she would have at least one good meal a day. They would pile up in the fridge because she “got tired of them”. They would end up being thrown away, most likely because after two days they were “old”. So I stopped that service so someone else could benefit.

Mom has dementia, but I am convinced has some psychological issues as well. She would rather lie than tell the truth. She cuts up her clothes. Instead of asking me to get her something else or hem up her pants, she will just cut them off. Or if something is dirty, she will cut up a perfectly good blouse to sleep in. We have now hidden all the scissors in the house and the sharp knives.

She refuses to bathe herself and when I force her to have me do it, she complains the whole time. It’s like she has an aversion to water. God forbid I put lotion on her. She goes to her room and wipes it off.

At this point, my mom is still fairly mobile with a walker. When she doesn’t want to do something - like it’s bath day - she pretends to be sick or not feel well. It happens every. single. time. Sometimes I call her bluff and tell her that I need to take her to the doctor if she is sick all the time. Then she says “I’m not going to the doctor!”

She lives with my husband and me now and just after four months of this (and much more) I’m about to pull my hair out. I do the minimum to take care of her: feed and clothe and provide a place to stay. Other than that, I don’t like my mother anymore and it’s hard for me to be around her for more than 5 minutes.

I do empathize with you. I’m an only child as well and actually put a house on my property so my mom could live next to me after my dad passed. She had always been a bit controlling in my life but she also did not have any idea of how to live on her own after my dad passed since he did everything for her. The first few years she did well but later began to complain about virtually everything. She is to point now (7 years later) that she “is just too sick” to do anything and expects me to do it all for her. 1. She is not sick and even used to use that line on my dad to get out of doing something he wanted to do but she didn’t. 2. Did I mention that I also work full time and have a special needs son that I care for. Anyway, as out of line as her demands are, I still feel compelled to please her. I still love her but I hate talking to her because I know what a Guilt trip she Will put on me. I know all of this - I can rationalize all of this - but I can’t seem to escape the guilt and it tears me up. I can’t concentrate at work. I know I am right and she is expecting too much but her words cut me like a knife. It’s all so very hard. I wish you the best and hang in there. Listen to all of the great comments sent your way. They will help.

demstress, Such a hard thing to deal with. I always say that you don't know someone until you live with them... Did your mom ever treat your father the same way? I am wondering if she had a streak of that personality, but it is just magnified now that she is older and may have a dementia-type condition.

I go through things with Mom where she will give me a hard time about doing something -- like trying to change her clothes. She gets mad, holds on to her shirt with a strength I didn't know she had (even when she can't walk). I can't even pry her fingers off of it. I look her in the eye and tell her that I am trying to help her. It doesn't work, though. I end up getting frustrated; and like last night, let her sleep in her sweatshirt and depends. It would be nice if she'd just appreciated my helping her. But, she doesn't fully understand (or maybe she does... I don't know). I can say that my mom, while I didn't see it too often growing up, she did have a way about her where she would tell someone to "go scratch" (as she used to say -- I was never sure what that meant :-)).  So, I am thinking this is part of her personality. I fear, though, that we will end up not liking each other...

Let me ask you a different question. If it wasn't your mother, would you allow anyone else to treat you like this? It is quite possible her illness has changed her....whether it is dementia or something else. But bottom line, that is not an excuse for her behavior toward you nor for you to just willingly accept it. I had a friend (now ex friend) who had breast cancer. I had known her for almost 30 years at the time she was diagnosed. She (obviously) went through some major surgeries and a lot of emotional trauma, and I tried to be by her side the whole time. But through it all, her personality changed...or maybe it didn't and her TRUE personality came out. She became very narcisissistic and only cared about herself. She wouldn't allow her children to go outside of the house other than to school because she said they would bring home germs that would make her ill. Her husband tried so hard to help her and do what she asked, but it was never "right" or at the right time or something. Ultimately, she ended up divorcing him after 20 years. He was devastated. The last straw for me was when I took a week off work after one of her surgeries to go and stay with her to try to help her. It was summer, and the kids were off of school, so I wanted to try to get them out and away for a little bit, to give her some space, but also to help her with whatever she needed. She criticized me for how I loaded the dishwasher! She wouldn't allow me to cook dinner because I might scratch the pans! it was crazy, and the most miserable week of MY life! And I believe that is what she wanted....for everyone else around her to be miserable because she was! I tried to talk to her, but she did nothing but scream and yell and put me down. I finally left, in a very bad storm that I almost got into an accident in. I continued to talk to her over the phone, but after about 6 more months of the thrashing and bad behavior, I finally walked away from her. That was 5 years ago, and I don't regret my decision for one minute. You can try to find out why your mom is acting the way she is, but you may never know....or like I and others said, it could be her REAL personality is finally coming through. But you must put yourself first! Bottom line is if you aren't around to help her because you become ill or worse, what will she do then? Get outside help, or just walk away from her until she realizes what the consequences of her actions are. But don't let her continue to abuse her, no matter what the reason....even if she is your mother.

I'd get a clear pitcher and announce that since she doesn't seem to like the color of the old one that you got one she cant complain about! I'm an only child with a widowed mom just starting with dementia who is still able to live in an apartment by herself but calls me every single night for over an hour. Nothing but complaints about her health or having to now live in 'this little apartment'. She was so good to me, spoiling me as I grew up that I now feel guilty when she complains about EVERYTHING and seems so unhappy. I feel your pain and hope it gets better for you. There are some good answers from people on this board to you and I'm going to listen to them for my situation,too.

II am l00% sure some facet of her brain is changing. It could be the start of alzheimers or dementia or just the aging process. What she is doing is beginning to really affect you and harm you emotionally. YOU CAN NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. I know many people will disagree with what I say but this is what I need to say. She obviously is not who she once was but that does NOT mean that you have to take her abuse. For your own sake, please consider two things: One, when she acts up, respond very firmly and tell her she is not to speak to you that way and you will not accept this behavior. In other words, tell her to stop it at once! I doubt she will but it will help you NOT keep this abuse inside of you and let it harm you. She is the problem and she must be held in check. Another thing for you to do is to consider that you may have to place her somewhere so you are not the object of her aggression and frustration. If you allow this to happen, YOU will be the one to suffer emotionally and with your overall life style. Do not let that happen. She is NOT who she once was.

I think you feel compelled because that is how your mother groomed you to be from the time you were a little girl. That kind of internal wiring takes some therapy to disconnect.

Beginning to not like being around her? You DREAD interacting with her every morning.

Is it at all possible to find her an assisted living or nursing home where she’ll be cared for and you get some peace?

Repeatedly on this site it’s explained how this happens financially.

Also have her assessed for mental competency. First and foremost do this. You’ll know where you all stand.

And don’t dwell on conversations nor overthink WHY she acts that way. She’s destroying your sanity and the only one who can save you is you.

Become educated on all the different solutions to both your problems. She needs a new home.

"...not a rational or even a common response."

Really??!

Wow. A little harsh. I get what is behind what was said there, but the reality is it IS a very common response. While not entirely rational - particularly as seen through the lens of understanding dementia - that is unfortunately the pitfall of caregiving for a family member or anyone you have had a long-term relationship with.

A little more compassion and a little less judgment here, folks. Please.

Demstress, you should definitely look into the (ir)rationality aspect and coach yourself on some self-preservation techniques and responses. But considering the load you are carrying, I don't think you need to take time out to analyze your past relationship with your mom. Not really going to help the current situation because that mom is not really the one you are caring for now.

FWIW, I've been doing this for over 5 years and I still have occasional bad days when I take things waaaaay too personally. I know better, but I am human - and this vocation can be heart-breaking and soul-crushing.

Best wishes, hugs, and prayers for you - and everyone on this site!

Wow, CSuser1 hit the nail on the head, “Guilt should only be felt when you’ve actually done something wrong - not when someone SAYS you’re guilty just because they didn’t get their way.” So, so true. Thank you for your perspective on this. It sure made me feel better.