Why can't I make up my mind when it comes to my mom's care?

I thought Hospice was wonderful!!!
The great thing with Hospice is if you decide to go that route and you do not like the course of plan you can always take her off Hospice and continue with care as before.
It sounds like she might be Hospice eligible but if not most Hospice organizations also offer Palliative care. You can still seek treatment and re-hab while on Palliative care where as you can not when on Hospice.
Hospice also offers Respite care so if you need a break they can place Mom so you can get a way for a bit. (If she lives at home)
If at home through Hospice you can get all the supplies and equipment you need and it is much faster and easier to get than trying to get the doctor to write an order then order the equipment.

As to trying to make a decision.
It is overwhelming and maybe you are afraid you are going to make a mistake.
There are no mistakes.
You make the right decision at the time given the circumstances at that moment.
I am sure your Mom had the same thoughts making some decisions for you when you were young, I am sure if you have kids you did the same and things turned out well. So don't worry about making the perfect choice. There are no "Perfects".
Do the best that you can with the information you have.
Tell yourself every night that you did the best that you could for her that day.
The most important thing is take care of yourself as well, take care of your family and love your Mom.

I tortured myself over placing mom,had her in nursing home 3 days and brought her home. I was physically ill watching her those 3 days in the home in tiny room with another lady and sides not emptying her bedside commode.
I took her to daycare 5 hrs day --- very inexpensive because we had limited funds. I had to bathe her everyday,etc because just me without family . I had some horrible days and it did affect my health. Saying all this, she had stroke, i hot hospice and kept her at home until she passed. If you can keep her at home, that's the way to go. I was nurse and I visited all the nursing homes, talked to personnel, and was not happy with the thought of strangers dragging her down the hall to community showers, and putting her in chair all day. I now volunteer at alxheimers daycare. They were wonderful! I don't know what your financial situation is, but I've seen people pay thousands to place family member and still not get good care. This is south Ga. I did it alone gorgeous 4-5 years. You will be surprised what you can do when you love someone. I remember one christmas sitting in the hallway crying,but I did make it and so very glad to have her here. Don't torture yourself like I did. Just ho with what your heart tells you.

My amazing sister just offered to take over Mom’s care completely, here in our home where she lives, for 2 days and 1 night every week! (She has retired, which makes this possible now.) Wow! My husband and I can go out to eat and to a movie without it costing more in elder-sitting than our evening together costs! We can do an overnight trip now and then! It’s amazing what this offer of respite has done for my spirits (which were lagging so badly that I was about to ‘outsource’ Mom’s care just because I was so exhausted — with all the snappishness that comes with exhaustion in my case). We hear a lot about families that don’t rally round, so i thought I’d post a story of a sister who is coming through in a meaningful way. But she didn’t know I was that far gone until I began to discuss impending NH placement and she said, “Would it help if I ...?” Moral of the story: don’t assume things are the same today as they were yesterday; and don’t assume people know what you need or how badly you need it. I realize that not all family will share the burden, but I can certainly vouch for the fact that when they do, it’s like getting a new lease on life! As jjariz mentioned, it’s the best decision for now. And that’s all we get — “what’s next?”, not the whole plan for the rest of our time together. “What’s next” for us is feeling so much more manageable now! Kudos to my Sis!

Try to remember that you're making the best decision for the immediate future. You can make a new decision if the circumstances change.

I'm one of the folks who -- as surprise mentioned, have traveled down the path before. When the hospice team caring for my husband saw I was procrastinating making a decision about my husband's care, they brought me the papers needed to admit my husband to a nursing home on a Medicaid pending basis. I followed through, and it saved my life.

I made the decision to keep my mom in her own home with 24/7 live-in caregivers. She passed away 2 weeks ago and I will never regret my decision. She had amazing individual care with family able to see her and observe her care whenever we wanted. She had multiple UTIs which the caregivers were able to detect through changes in her behavior before her urine samples ever indicated the presence of any bacteria. I know she never would have received this much love and compassionate care in a nursing home. Remarkably, it was less expensive to hire live-in caregivers who truly cared for my mother than it would have been to place her in a nursing home. I miss my mom terribly but am comforted by the fact she had a comfortable life within her own surroundings until she took her last breath.

I think you are grieving. Your heart does not want to believe she's not going to be around forever and that she has declined. Your head realizes her struggles. Your chief concern is to keep her safe and out of pain.

Can you tell us more about your situation? Perhaps some folks have traveled down the path before.

💐 to your sister, Linda :)

Hadn't you better start a new thread for Sibling Bouquets? I think what you say about not assuming they know how to help could hold a lot of keys for people.

In caring for my mom and dad at the same time I to felt the way you do. I found it hard as I was afraid of making a mistake that could be negative for them. I was afraid it might not be the decision that they would have made if they were of sound mind. but after a short period I realized that they were my flesh and blood and their was no wrong answer. I would do what I had to do and that was the best that I could do for them at that time. I always worried that my parents would not understand some of the decisions I had to make, but I was wrong. the night before my mom died a short time ago, she looked at me and said " Lizzy, I want to thank you for everything you have done for daddy and I. we love you so much. " that made me realize all of the worrying I did was for nothing since mom and dad understood and the decisions I made for them. I learned when you love someone there is no wrong decision as the decision is made with true love.
do the best you can, as that is all you can do.....be there ...love them to the end.....

You're not sure what to do with your mother? Make a pro-con sheet and write down all the pros & cons about all alternatives. This should help you.

Also, you can ask HomeHealthCare and/or Hospice for advice.