Why are they making me feel badly?

Please note, once there are a number of posts, the earlier ones drop off so only saw the one post. I didn't see ur earlier one.

JoAnn29: Those were 2 separate posts on this topic.

Llama, please find a way to get some respite. You sound exhausted, impatient, intolerant showing many it is time for you to care for yourself. There is a way to get a break, but only you can figure out how.

Llama lover, sorry you said their microwave and then mentioned a NH.

Hi Mica - please remind yourself of all the good you have already done - taking care of your loved one, for so long, and for as long as you can. That is a loving and great accomplishment.

It might be hard but also a relief to have others caring for them 24/7. Those caregivers in the nursing/care home will have oversight, liability and guidelines - not every home care worker would have that.

After years of caring for my loved one at home, I finally had him transferred to a nursing facility - it was a very, very difficult decision, but in the end it was what is best for him - kind, caring aides and nurses 24/7 to see to his needs - I can visit and spend lovely, quality time with him, and not try to be a nurse/doctor at the same time. We are both happier. There are activities for him, others there in his same situation who he can share with, and my comfort that he is in the best place for his care.
I was against placing him before I did so, but am entirely happy that I did it.
Remember, you have been doing your best and that is what mattered for so long and now, the best may be to place your loved one.

JoAnn29: I was talking about the microwave in my Mother's HOUSE. Reread my post.

I just toured an AL. Microwaves are only in rooms of people who r able to usse them. The people who need to be watched more do not have them. In a longterm nursing facility no microwaves are in the rooms. Remember nurses and CNAs have 30/40 patients in an 8 hr shift.

Yes, but the alternative is causing fires in their microwaves! NH staffs are poor.

It comes down to you and the doctor. You don't have to use NH doctor, u can use ur Moms just up to you to take her to appt. The nurses can only give what a doctor prescribes. Its up to you to look for signs. Ask questions. Every patient is different. What is a good dosage for one is not for another. I see nothing wrong with putting your Mom in nursing care. Just try tobe there on a regular basis but not at the same time. Visit during different shifts. Weekends will probably be different people. Your Mom has rights.

1. Cwillie and everyone else hit it n the head - they are coming in, making money, and leaving after their shift, so itd EASY for them to recommend the status quo!! Using a facility under the circumstances is not wrong and you don;t need to feel bad about it. Using a facility does not mean abandonment - you can, and ideally should, stay very involved but just not doing more care personally than you can realistically manage yourself.

2. Meds may need to be used in lower doses, and if someone is oversedated or having bad motor reactions to antipsychotics, there are options to use other things or a second med to treat the side effects.

Mica~My sis, myself and our mother's PCP look at it this way....without our mother on Lexapro, Namenda and rarely Xanax, she is uncomfortable, fearful, full of anxiety and depression because she does not understand what is going on around her. We believe it is better to treat her symptoms associated with Alzheimer's/dementia without over medicating her to a zombie but allowing her the freedom to participate in activities, walk around the facility (only 24 residents in memory care), and to socialize with other residents and staff and of course...have quality time with family.

It is all about comfort care. Making our mother as comfortable as possible so her life has quality. It is more important that she be able to sit on a bench and soak in some rays of sun, smell the flowers and enjoy the peace and beauty around her than to allow confusion, anxiety, agitation from sun downing run her life.

We all do the very best we can when taking care of our loved one with dementia/Alzheimer's or other health conditions. It is not an easy row to hoe, so lets all support each other even though we have different ways of treating the conditions and how we go about supporting our loved one. Hugs to everyone!!

You guys are right- my father lived in an assisted living place and they let the poor ALZ people run around and ride the elevator ALL day. I put my mother back on her lexapro and she has been sleeping better, but still up at 3am to leave. Lets face it- they cannot allow 100 people to run around trying to get out looking for "home" or mommy. Like I saw at father's place.
I was / am mad at the pouty sad faced "awww, no..." reaction I have been receiving. .... But you know what? The people who know the YEARS I have been giving her 24hr care are HAPPY. They KNOW . :)

There comes a time when the elder is a danger to herself/himself. And if they refuse to live with you, you have few alternatives. My mother started a fire in her microwave. Did she tell me about it? Certainly not, e.g. that should have been the first topic of the day!

Babalou is so right. Keep everything in perspective.

It is mean to make people feel bad about using medications. If diabetics take insulin are they "doped up?" NO, they are getting the medication they need.

My mom's memory loss caused anxiety, which in turn caused extreme debilitating paranoia. She was making public nuisance of herself. Now that she is properly medicated, she is relaxed and happy. Is she "doped up?" I don't know and don't care. She is happy and happy to see me. Whew!

My therapist said that at this stage we are not trying to do the "right thing;" we are trying to do what works. I heartily agree.

Back to the question, sorry. You do what u have to do for you. My daughter has worked nursing homes for 20years. She has told me there will come a time I won't be able to care for Mom. As soon as her house sell, I will find a place near us. A split level is not condusive to a person who can just about get up steps. Mom needs to be on one floor where she is able to leave her room and walk to a common room and join in activities. My daughter thinks it would be best for her. I can't believe the manager called you. If there is someone higher up, I would complain. This is not right.

And for an ill, frail dementia patient, I have to say that having a roommate is NOT the end of the world. My mom's last roommate, who has since passed away, alerted staff when mom fell.

Please remember...not everyone has money for an AL or memory care facility. Medicaid here in NJ, only pays for long term nursing where u share a room.

So, hand wringing can we a symptom of a partial complex seizure.

Send, I am not a doctor and can only tell you what has worked for my mom. Right now she's on Lexapro, Remeron and a small dose of klonopin. I know, benzos are "terrible" for elders. Without that pediatric dose of klonopin, my mom is convinced she's going to Hell. She's on Melatonin for sleep.

Are you sure the hand wringing is anxiety? I seem to recall that can be a neuro marker for something.

Ok Babalou! Can you list some of the milder Rx that you know of, because the patient cannot tolerate SSRI's or antipsychotics. I know there is something out there that might work, and I don't like to see such anxiety, even though he doesn't complain-as he is wringing his hands. If you are not comfortable, it's okay not to recommend specifics.

Mica, bless you for taking care of your parents.

You can look at medication in one of two ways.

You can say " my parent is drugged"

Or, you can say, as i do "my mom auffers from overwhelming anxiety and depression. We tried reassurance, in home assistance and frequent family visits. None of them helped.. Getting her into a nice Independent Living apartment helped some, but what REALYY helped in the end were anti anxiety and anti depressant medications. It makes her feel better. She doesn't weep, or wring her hands or call us ftightened to death that it might rain. If this is "drugging" then yes, I'm in favor of it.

Mica, those self serving idiots are.trying to make you feel guilty so they do mot lpse the money from caring for you mom. Screw them! You do what is best for you and your mom. I would tell them where to go. Bless you for being so caring.

Mica, hugs to you, in all you do.

Mica, they (home health aides, manager, etc.) Seem to be attempting to make you feel badly because it seems they are not doing their jobs, allowing the patient to escape/wander 2x!!! That would be their job, I am thinking.
I agree with Cwillie-they are being self-serving with their advice.
Sorry I cannot comment on plus/negative aspects of keeping mom at home or in a nursing home. That is entirely up to you on her behalf. Either is doable as evidenced by the many comments on this topic all throughout the AC website.
Be at peace with whatever you decide, but I would put hha workers on notice that if they allow your mom out the door unsupervised even once, you will fire their, uh, what was the word I am looking for, so sorry as I tend to block words, cannot access them when needed. Ever since I had T.I.A. episodes in the past.

Just fire them.

All, memory care will drug them as well. It is often necessart as it is in my mom's case. It helps to keep her comfortable. Now I know some of you are going to say if they are comfortable then they do not need the drugs. They do not like the anxiety and agitation that they feel, and it makes it more difficult for other residents and staff. They do what they should do in an effort to keep EVERYBODY safe.

Thank you all, HUG.
She is late stage six- the only thing left is incontinence.
She does not know who I am beyond a happy person/ savior. I am her daughter but she knows no one at all anymore.
Both her Dr's have declared her in need of skilled nursing NOW.
She has been on the list for memory care for 3yr. They have no beds.
My second choice, if i believe what is going on, has a bed.
DSS is doing the paperwork.
Thank you about telling me about the NH drs etc in CT. that is where I live-
Her primary really doesnt know this situation because she is physically extremely healthy-- and I am the one physically handicapped and unable to keep up with her...
P.S. I put a doorbell alarm on the door over there and a doorjam device. She is devious and quick!

Mica, every situation is different and you as the caregiver know what is best for her.
There are many people who have an aversion to nursing homes and if they can care for their loved ones at home then that is fine. However when home care is not possible - and there are many reasons for it - time, money or the inability of the caregiver to give the adequate care needed as these horrid diseases progress.
I cared for my partner for many years until I had no choice but to place him in nursing home. I was his sole caregiver, had no support or help from his children as they chose to be in denial, I also had to work full time . Eventually he started falling three or four times a week which resulted in trips to the ER, it was just a matter of time until a fall resulted in something broken, due to that and the fact that my health was declining I made the decision to place him in a nursing home. He is there and is safe, he has only fallen once in the last six months and has a staff of caregivers. Weigh your situation - and make the decision that is best for your Mom and for you, - no nursing homes are not perfect, but sometimes they are the best choice. If she is running away - that is a huge safety issue - that alone really needs a locked - full time facility. You will feel guilty, I still do, but I tell myself that I made the right decision for my LO and I did, you will too.

My mom is in a NH in Connecticut. The medical sirector of the NH sees her as does the geriatric psychiatrist who comes to the facility each week. There are Nurse Practitiners who examine her frequently. No changes to her meds are made without consulting us, her childrem, who are her Medical POAs.

The aides and companions fear they are going to lose a client, and thus are attemting to manipulate your fears.

You KNOW that you can't keep your mother safe at home any longer. Whether it's Memory care or a NJ, she clearly needs a higher level of supervision.

My experience Mica, has been the same as Sunnygirl. My mother's medication is Rxed by her private PCP that my sis of I take her for appointments. For example, the med tech in the memory care facility can only give our mother Xanax when needed and we can see the paperwork anytime for the documentation of her medications.

Do what you need to do, not what others tell you you should do based on their circumstances.

Mica393,
You say your mom has midstage dementia. Is there a reason you think she needs to be in a nursing home? I think that states vary on how they handle dementia patients, but in my state, unless you need skilled nursing care, a nursing home is not warranted. Have you considered a Memory Care facility. And if she is running away, as you state above, that might be in order to keep her secure. Why not have her assessed to see what kind of facility would meet her needs?

I have often heard that facilities drug people to keep them quiet, but I haven't seen that with my experience in assisted living and Memory Care assisted living. For one thing, in my state, the residents have their own doctor. The doctor is the only one who prescribes medication and they don't prescribe it just to sedate. This could happen in some cases, but I don't think it's rampant. My experience is that they work towards finding a low dose medication that can relieve anxiety, while still allowing the person to be alert and as active as possible, considering their dementia.