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Im not upset that i take care of mom.(i stay with her or its a nursing home...not!)I'm early 50's ..she is late 70's..don't know where to begin..i need the help of my sister ..late 40's..we both have children and grandchildren..but my sister .. Always excuses
.no help what so ever..for 7 months I broke a bone in my knee..I was on a walk, wheelchair, etc..not allowed to put foot on floor..I still took care of my mom. She is on a walker.. My sister less than 15 minutes from our house..came 2 times!..twice I took mom to an er 100 miles away to her Dr. On a walker myself..she kept calling but never offered to help..I'm at my witts end.. Mom won't say anything to her .. Tells me she is but won't..I've kept my mouth to a low ..but I am so stressed..every time I try to get through to her.. Excuses excuses excuses!..any advice

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Tamstime - I'm amazed your sister doesn't like it when you come to do your parents' laundry and other household chores. How do you know she doesn't like it, and what reason did she give for being unhappy with your help?

I change my mom's sheets and clean her kitchen every weekend, and I would LOVE it if one of my sisters would step up and do it even once! I can't imagine, though, telling either of my sisters that it's now "their job" to do something for mom. One sister refused to even acknowledge my request for a family meeting, claiming that she didn't like "feeling like she was being summoned."

I don't think most of us have the power to "assign" any chores to our uninvolved siblings. None of my siblings have ever agreed that the help Mom needs ought to be shared equally or equitably by us siblings. They all have their reasons and excuses whey they shouldn't have to help as much, or help at all. I'm just asking for a fight if I try to challenge any of their beliefs.
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Some siblings ARE willing and WANT to help! , I made the decision to go over on the weekends to do my parent laundry, clean there room change the sheets ect. buy them some easy meal, snacks, Get them anything they might need. My sister doesn't like it, especially that I do this without asking her, but I do for my parents and to be able to have time with my mom alone.
Sometimes as the CAREGIVER you have to give up some control to get what you want. I'm sorry your sister doesn't feel the need to help you out, I truly am!
Maybe if you got a calendar and set aside a few days or however you want to do it and then tell your sister she's responsible for mom or these chores on this day and that day she'll feel you're letting her to be a part of your moms care and not just someone you call on when you need a break.
You're the older sister, did you take on the responsibly without sitting down with her and discussing it like 2 adults and finding a solution together?
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sondraO - you did help. You came for a week so the caregiver could go on vacation. Most of us would kill to even be offered that much by our absent siblings.
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I will tell you why I didn't help my sister in law more with my mother in law. She taught school and had sitters with her mother. We went ove and stayed with my mother n law one week while my sister in law went to Hawaii. They lived 150 miles from us. I didn't realize until I had the complete care of my father that even with the help she had my sister in law could have used me. Some times people have to open their mouths and say what they need. I feel so guilty I didn't help her but I just didn't realize.
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Selfish, selfish and selfish is one good reason. After no excuse, no show, no anything, selfish is the best I can come up with, after all had been done, alone might I add. Sad Answer, but shows true. But we are who we are and that is why we, the caretakers, will have the deepest and warmest memories to keep us company in the end and know we did everything we could to keep our loved ones safe.
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It seems that many siblings have no interest in helping in the care of disabled senior parents. Usually, there is one who will do it. I don't buy that they are too busy. Unless, they are home bound with a disabled person themselves, then I don't buy too busy. They can contribute something, either in time or money.(And I'm not talking about adult kids who were abused as kids by their parents. I get why they don't want to lift a finger.)

I would either acccept their decision to not contribute in time or money or I would tell them pointblank what I need. For example, say directly to them, I need for you to come and care for mom on Saturdays all day. And to pick up her medication every month and pay the co-pay. Or perhaps ask them to purchase some items she needs. Give them the list and where they can be found. If they don't have much in funds, ask them to come over and help with cleaning and transportation of mom. I would be very specific to the time and place to do it.

They can agree or come up with an excuse. If they refuse to help, then accept it and let it go. They make their decision and you make yours.
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I am with you A&A. I do not worry about the healing, I have seen too much vindictive behavior from my twisted sisters to even care! As soon as I would let my guard down these last four years, then here they come at me again with their sick accusations and attacks. I will never understand, do not care to expend the energy to try. In my case I think that they hoped something would happen to me or mom that would put an end to the craziness! And we are both still kicking.
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Here's never to heal again!
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Here's completely fractured!
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suzieq - welcome to the club. I don't know why some siblings are content to allow others to carry the whole load even when they know how hard it is, but many of us are faced with the same situation. Instead of thinking "it isn't fair that Sis has to do everything for Mom while I do nothing" they think "Whew! I'm glad Sis is taking care of Mom so I'm off the hook." It bites, but it is what it is. Many sibling relationships have soured or completely fractured over parent care issues.
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You know, as I read back I realize my answer although it might have been true was of no help. Since your sister doesn't want to do physical stuff, maybe you could say. I know you are busy but would you like to contirbute towards a gift card for a restaurant, cleaning service, respite service? If she won't give time maybe she will give money which you can use to buy time from somewhere else.
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You know if you think back you might recall that your sib hasn't really changed. You were probably always the kinder and compassionate one. Your sib I will bet was never a good listener, probably didn't get choked up over movies or real life sad situations, probably preferred to talk about herself and probably had little patience with the problems of others. Hard to change people's basic personalities.
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Katiekay, I think that's exactly the point - no, they have no idea of how hard it is. And that is a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' - in other words, they have no idea because they are not obliged to think about it. They're not there.

The answer for this OP, maybe, is to be specific. When sister calls, have in mind a particular thing that you would like her to do and ask her to do it. Wait for her to offer and you will wait in vain, because she doesn't know what needs doing and it is unrealistic to expect her to work it out. Not unreasonable nor unfair, but unrealistic. It won't happen.
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I get that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver but I'm continually shocked by the lack of just kindness or empathy for your own parent and sibling. Surely they have some idea of how hard it is?

My God.. this poor woman was on a walker herself taking her mom to the ER!
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get used to it. It is what it is. In some family's the siblings feel ZERO obligation and then its one person who gets stuck carrying the whole load. Get ready for lots of Anger, unless your ready to let this start sliding off your back, block her from your life and move on. your life will be less stressful because you wont be hearing all the excuses anymore. trust me, Im there right now myself !!! 5 living daughters, yet it is me and me ALONE when it comes to mom....
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They are "not" showing a good example...
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I agree with you jeannegibbs... But it saddens me when siblings don't take the time or at least call or send a card to their parent..

Like it or not siblings are going to need help at some point from their own children and they are showing a good example..
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Thank God you don't have siblings who call Adult Protective Services on you and your mother like mine did. They have been to my mother's house 12 times in 9 months and sheriffs office 9 times. Of course now they know the complaints are all lies. However, it put me and my wife thru hell for a year not to mention upsetting my mother who has dementia and 86 years old,
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I am glad you are not upset that you are the one taking care of Mother. That was your choice. Take full credit for it.

Your sister made a different decision. I can understand why this disappoints you, but it is what it is.

In the realm of taking care of Mom, consider yourself an only child. Of course you need help! Since you are an only child, learn about community resources and other ways to get it. You CANNOT count on your siblings. The sooner you accept that and get on with making other arrangement, the better!
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Suz, some of us are able to provide care for our folks and aome are not. Why was it me that provided care for four years with little help from sibs? Because I was the one able to handle it emotionally. One sib would have been an emotional mess and she is a therapist the other is quite the nervous type, quite impatient, and very busy with her own life. That was just the way it was. I say was because busy sib, mom's POA, moved her to a memory care facility three months ago. Neither sis believed what I was telling them about how bad mom's dementia was getting it was easier for them to maintain their denial. But, with the move they are now just beginning to understand. So, you should be proud of yourself, know you are able to provide the care, and do a good job of it while sibs do not even believe what is happening to their mom. Caregiving is in most cases a completely thankless job! You need to get to the point that nothing sibs do or say is gong to bother you. Call it a character building exercise. You are a very strong person that you are the one child that is compassionate and understanding, be very proud of that!
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