Background:
First of all, we are a family that DOESN’T discuss money, in general. My husband and I both make a decent living, but we are still paying for college loans as our son is ready to go to college himself. (College loans whole separate mess.)
My brother makes a GREAT living, with no debt, and nothing but disposable income. I only know this because he dotes on our son tremendously, for which I am grateful. (He pays thousands of dollars for him to go on trips around the world, or buys him the latest ___ gadget...) So my son isn’t impacted by our financial state. But we could never ask my brother for money. Our family just doesn’t do that. He also lives about 6-7 hours away and isn’t part of Mom’s care.
I have had to leave my job in order to care for Mom. She has lived with us in an in-law apartment we built for the last 13 years. She had to move into our part of the house 6 months ago when she could no longer climb stairs or be left unsupervised at all. So we have had to use money from an estate account that was left by my grandmother. This was done with the permission of my aunt, my mother’s only sister, who jointly inherited this estate, which includes their childhood home, stocks, etc.
So here’s he rub.
I feel like every penny I spend is scrutinized by my family. We are not spending money willy-nilly. My aunt urges me to get extra help, but I feel like she thinks I am wasting the money when I have to hire people to stay with Mom because I need to go away for a few days for an event for my son. Or if I just plain NEED A BREAK and do a 12 hour getaway with my husband. (It’s my only chance not to be on watch overnight, and eat a meal with my husband one-on-one!) I have a caregiver that comes in 3 days a week for 4 hours each day so I can run errands, or take a nap so I can be awake to watch her all night.
So is it that I feel guilty for spending money on myself this way? Technically it isn’t necessary for her care. I feel like I am being judged by people that are not in my position. They have NO IDEA what being home all day and caregiving is like. From the outside, it looks like I sit at home all day watching tv and napping! My brother and my aunt swing in for a visit, then leave again to go back to their carefree lives. I know they ‘feel’ bad because they can’t be here to help, but they have their lives to lead. What about me?
Here’s the biggest question I have.
So when my mother does pass, my brother and I will inherit my mother’s portion of the estate from my grandmother. My aunt and brother won’t want to sell the house or liquidate any of the other assets. They don’t need the money. My husband and I want to move, pay off our loans (FINALLY) and start our lives as truly empty-nesters. We plan on having a house with 3 bedrooms so the family is ALWAYS WELCOME in our home, but the day to day burdens that we have shouldered for many years now would be gone. We need the money from the estate in order to do this.
Any money we had saved went to my mother’s care even before the tougher effects of dementia set in. We bore this burden without asking for financial help because that’s what our family does. But at the end of the day, we have no savings left, have student debt and no equity left in our home all because we took on the care of my mom when she moved in with us 13 years ago.
I wouldn’t trade the time I have had with my Mom, nor the help she gave us in caring for my son. Our financial support of her all those years felt like the right thing to do.
So is it wrong to feel like we should be able to access the money we need in order to move on to the next stage in our lives? But they may not be able to buy us out of the house and stocks without having to sell. Plus, by the time my mother passes, we will have used almost all of the estate account’s savings. Should the money spent on Mom’s care be her part of the estate? My thinking is yes. In that case, we would stand to have a very small portion of what is left. But my husband thinks not, since my aunt said to use the money for her care.
I am so frustrated because I can’t make any plans for our future because of the unknowns of finances! The future dream is the only thing that keeps me going on really bad days. We need this fresh start. But how do I even begin the conversation with the family when we don’t discuss money? The conversation about money for mom’s care was painful and awkward. We also want to sell the things that she accumulated over the years. (Think restrained hoarding of truly valuable items) my aunt and brother don’t ever let go of anything. How do we address this? They would just want to keep everything, even if it just went into storage. But they don’t need the money and don’t let go of anything, ever. My husband and I are ready to reduce and de clutter our lives.
They will not understand this mentality and will think we are ungrateful for not holding on to every last momento and personal treasure.
HELP!
Is your Brother going to pay for your Son's college tuition? Or does your Brother spend money on your Son is the form of "GIFTS" such as trips around the world, or the latest gadget? Is your Brother trying to "BUY" your Son's love?
You state: "I have a caregiver that comes in 3 days a week for 4 hours each day so I can run errands, or take a nap so I can be awake to watch her all night. So is it that I feel guilty for spending money on myself this way? Technically it isn’t necessary for her care. " YES, the hiring of a SECOND caregiver IS FOR YOUR MOM'S CARE so that her PRIMARY CAREGIVER (YOU) can be physically and emotionally and mentally able to take care of your Mother.
Staff members at a nursing home or assisted living don't work 24 hours a day--7 days a week. Neither should you. BUT since you are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, others expect you to be "On Duty" at all times.
"My brother and I will inherit my mother’s portion of the estate from my grandmother...by the time my mother passes, we will have used almost all of the estate account’s savings. Should the money spent on Mom’s care be her part of the estate? My thinking is yes."
YES, the money from your Mom's part of the estate should be used for your Mom's care. If that money isn't used, where is the money going to come from to pay for your Mom's care--from your Brother or your Aunt or from your own checking account?
"My aunt and brother won’t want to sell the house or liquidate any of the other assets...But they may not be able to buy us out of the house and stocks without having to sell." This is a common problem that is occurring throughout the US and the world. I understand your dilemma. My Mom bought her family's farm from her siblings when their Father died. I have several friends who had to sell their family farms because some of the siblings wanted money and the other siblings wanted to keep the farms.
I think that it is time for a mediator to come up with a solution for your family's problem. Google "Mediator" for your state and choose a mediator that is sponsored by the State Department of Health & Human Services or the State Judicial Department.
You have a right to your dream. God Bless.
I can't claim to be knowledgeable about all the in's and out's of estate planning and inheritance and all of that, but it seems like on paper you and your family have been the losers (I wanted to type "royally screwed" but didn't want to be indecorous) in this whole arrangement.
You say your family likes martyrdom, but how about you?
The battle lines over spending on care giving are basically two points of view: (1) assets should be used to provide needed care or (2) assets should be "preserved", often for an inheritance. Unfortunately, I have seen this diversion of thinking play out over two generations of my family - first with my grandparents and now with my parents.
People who have never been full time caregivers (this includes most men (dads help a lot but mothers still have 24/7 responsibility for most children) have difficulty understanding the impact just having to account for another person all the time has on basic living. The actual care-giving activities are time and energy consuming and often have a tremendous emotional cost as well. People without full time care-giving experience will seldom understand the full impact.
Care-giving has two very important aspects. Everyone understands taking care of the person needing help, but please remember you MUST take care of the care-giver too. If your financial resources, energy and/or health (emotional as well as physical) fails, then the quality of care you can provide fails too. Outside help is a MUST. Value yourself and do not feel guilty about bringing in outside care givers to provide temporary respites!
To older people, particularly those impacted by the great depression, things like houses and furniture represent security and emotional ties to memories of people and times that have past. I understand your aunt and uncle not wanting to sell the estate (maybe the only thing remaining that has been around her entire life?); however, they need to understand that your mother's assets, including that estate, are resources needed to provide for her needs.
I suggest you create an accounting of your current and past expenses taking care of Mom, along with as much documentation as you have, and use it as a conversation opener. This is not just your responsibility! Start with your brother and give him the opportunity to understand that if he wants to preserve the estate home he will need to help identify other assets to sacrifice or provide alternative funding. Then repeat with your Aunt and Uncle.
Consider consulting a financial planner or an estate planning attorney. You may be able to get a loan against the estate that would allow funds to be withdrawn while maintaining ownership/control - at least during your aunt's lifetime.
God Bless and Good Luck!
The agreement for your mother to live with you changed the moment you needed to give up employment, it's too bad you didn't sit down as a family at that time and come up with a formal plan and contract. As already noted it's not too late to redress that oversight, sit with pen and paper and make up a balance sheet of the costs to you vs the amount your mother might have had to spend without you. Make it clear you are not looking to recoup past expenses (or are you?) but are looking to the future. As TNtechie mentioned - a professional can help with this. It sounds like everyone is making assumptions independently and no one is talking to each other, it's way past time to get everyone on the same page.
My family is more about guilt and martyrdom. The family would never use a mediator or go to court. They would simply give us the money, then silently judge us and use guilt by playing the martyr.
I don’t know which is worse.
My brother isn’t trying to buy my son’s love. He simply realizes that we wouldn’t be able to afford him these opportunities on our own. He feels guilty that he has and we don’t, so he gives to my son (& to us for holidays and birthdays). My son is eternally grateful and appreciates how lucky he is that he is given these opportunities. My brother she’s away from the attention, playing the martyr in his own way.
I really think my brother would be open to giving me any part of the estate that we needed. He may even buy our house when we move to have it as a second home/investment property.
Honestly, he probably would pay my son’s tuition if he needed it. He is very giving.
It’s my aunt that I worry about most. She and my uncle worked hard for their money over the years. They were the doting aunt and uncle, but as they retired, their views on money changed. And they DEFINITELY don’t discuss finances except in very BROAD terms.
We dont have to move when theres an opening. We stay where we are on the list and they pick people under us till we're ready to move.
I admit tho that i do hope this works out as smoothly as ive tried to make it.
The first step is to find out what this does all mean legally. You need to take the paperwork about your grandmother’s bequest and get legal advice about it. Is it a trust fund, and who are the trustees? Or has your grandmother’s estate not yet been fully wound up, and who are the executors? This doesn’t mean starting legal proceedings, and there are often systems to give you advice for free.
You need to know your mother’s rights to get support from the estate account, both as a prepayment of her own share but also if there is a ‘need’ provision from the whole amount. You probably need to know what to ask from your aunt to clarify and record the permissions she has given, and you need to know your own rights. You also need to ask about the options when it comes time to wind up the ‘estate account’.
Once you really understand the situation, you can then start to think about how to deal with the family. Until you understand, you stand a risk of making things worse, both legally and on a personal level. All this is bound to come out eventually, when it may be even more difficult to face. For example, if your aunt has died, it is too late to ask her for confirmation of what she has told you already. Please clarify things now, for everyone's sake.
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