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For the past 10 years I have been splitting my time between meeting my 87 year old mother’s needs and caring for my family. My mother relocated to Florida to be near us because she had alienated all family members and friends in her city of birth. (When her brother passed I offered to take her to his services and she replied, “Why? So I can spit on his grave.”) She constantly complains about not having friends and is trying to make me solely responsible for her happiness. My mother has always been a demanding person and feels she should be included in EVERYTHING we do - a movie with friends, weekend getaways, exercise at the gym. When she is not included she has temper tantrums like a small child. Her current psychiatrist says that she is “egocentric”. Although I have been married 40 years, my mother has never accepted my husband and takes every opportunity to belittle and insult us. This has been ongoing since we married. Through it all, my husband is very supportive and assists with my mom. My children are tolerant of her out of respect for me but do not like the person their grandmother is. Her demands are getting to be excessive to the point where my stomach churns when I’m with her and the complainants start rolling off her tongue. I can’t abandon her because she has no one else. Even people that I’ve paid refuse to return after one visit. I’m getting to the point that I resent taking care of her

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Thank you all for your responses. I was feeling quite guilty for the way I’m feeling but reading your individual perspectives clarified what I need to do.
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You are not abandoning her, she is doing that to herself.
I would be surprised if you were NOT resentful!
Tell mom that you are not going to tolerate it any longer.
If you and your husband are belittled at any time, any place LEAVE if you are out with her you can get up and leave and she can call a cab OR you can tell her that she needs to get her jacket and you will take her home. Drop her off and go back to where you were or go home. If she refuses to get her jacket and leave with you leave her and she can call a cab.
If she starts complaining when you are out with her, do the same thing.
Back off the time with her. There is no reason that you need to have her with you and there is no need that she has to be with you. BOUNDARIES. A very important thing to learn as a caregiver and in your case with a person that demands attention.
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You certainly CAN abandon her, if that decision is the best for you both. You can tell her that you need to do something by yourself, then go and do it.

Giving birth to you didn’t give her life rights to your perpetual service.

Healthy caregiving is a two way street, not a dead end alley. You’re not getting much if anything in return.

We explained to an agency that our LO was the most unpleasant being alive, and we were sent a delightful Mary Poppins who didn’t care a bit that LO was a tiny shark. Don’t hold back- TELL THAT AIDE WHAT SHE (OR HE) WILL NEED TO DEAL WITH. THEN, tell mama that the aide will not leave, as per your instructions.

The YOU LEAVE, for a peaceful afternoon of whatever pleases you the most.

Take back the time you so richly deserve.
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Escambia Mar 2021
Thank you for saying, “Giving birth to you didn’t give her life rights to your perpetual service.” That’s what she believes but you are so right!
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Why would you not be resentful? My mother was self-centered too - narcissistic and very demanding and critical. I lived and helped her at a distance. I could not have done it up close. Once she could not manage she was in several ALFs and finally a nursing home and had good care in all of them.

You need to say "No" to her demands and stop being her "slave". That is not abandoning her, She will be angry and probably manipulative and work to make you feel guilty, but you don't have to buy into that, You are entitled to boundaries that protect you and your family from this emotional abuse.

Therapy and/or reading books such as the Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries" could help you. You don't need to live like this.
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Escambia Mar 2021
Thanks, I’ve ordered Boundaries
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You CAN 'abandon' her and the fact she has no one else is pretty obvious.

My MIL has chased away every single person in her life, including 2/3 of her kids, ALL her neighbors and ALL the 'family'. I walked out on her almost a year ago and told her I couldn't deal with her and would never see her nor help her again. Very freeing.

She allows SIL to do everything for her--and expects it too.

Toxic personality traits can and will push well meaning people away and out of your life right about the time you need them most.

SIL will NEVER EVER quit caring for her mom. She resents it horribly, but there literally is NO ONE left who would take MIL on.
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"I can’t abandon her because she has no one else. " And who's fault is that? Sometimes people need to learn natural consequences. If she gets nasty, give her a warning....second time end the visit or the phone call. Too bad if something doesn't get done. Not your problem. The reason your mother acts this way is that she has had a lifetime of getting away with it. My grandmother was the same way. It will not stop until YOU make it stop....or you stop being an audience to it.
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Where there is no peace or privacy, resentment grows. This is unfair to your family and to you. There are many ways to care for an aging parent, but absolutely nothing that requires you to put up with toxic behavior. Without meaning to, you’ve taught your mother that you’ll put up with the toxicity. She’s not changing, except to worsen. But you can and should definitely change what you listen to and allow. Time for boundaries, the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has been a huge help to many here. Please have the courage to change you and your family’s lives for the better
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I would, to be frank, stop taking care of her. She is who she is. That is, of course--I know you realize this--not going to change. So you have two choices which are continue as you are, or stop. I myself would be at this point telling your Mother I cannot be around her to the extent I have been. That it is terribly upsetting to be in her company. I would provide her with caregiver numbers and tell her that her attitude will likely predict how long she keeps caregivers, but that YOU and your family are not the alternative. Suggest to her that she enter assisted living or nursing home care now so that she will have the care she needs.
Of course I would likely have done this decades ago, and I never would have suggested she move near me. The best place for blood relatives of this ilk is 1,000s of miles away.
It's up to you. You know who she is. You know she won't change. Now it is up to you to decide how much time you CHOOSE to devote to her.
And I hope there will NEVER be any consideration of moving her in with family. If so I will consider that to be shooting ones own foot out from under one.
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Why WOULDN'T you be resentful of your mother, is a better question to ask yourself?

Limit your contact with her toxicity, and look into getting her placed into Independent Senior Living or Assisted Living, as her needs increase. She will then pay others to be her entertainment and listen to her chronic complaining, as my mother does. I speak to my mother once daily on the phone, and see her once a week via a window visit at her Memory Care AL. The activities staff at her MC is her entertainment committee, not me.

Good luck!
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Until you step away, she will neither get nor accept help.
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You're resentful because your mother is ruining any chance for peace in your life!

You owe her nothing in the form of CG. Hire aides to come in a few times a week. Hire housekeepers if she can afford it. Grocery shop online and have it delivered.

There's nothing you do that cannot be done by someone else.

Talk to mom first and tell her how things are going to be. She abuses YOU because she KNOWS you aren't going anywhere.

If she is going to act like a child, then treat her like one.

You CAN step out of her life and create one of your own where you see her when you want. You are under NO obligation to stand and take what is basically abuse.

She'll be mad, but she's mad anyway.

I frankly don't see a way you can continue to care for her when she is constantly shooting herself and you in the foot.

And what is she teaching your kids? That being a pain will make people do things for you? That's no kind of life.
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