Why am I so angry?

From reading some of your previous threads and posts, it sounds like you've been running on empty in your emotional tank. Would it be possible for you to afford to see a therapist? I hope so for you need some face to face help with someone who will not run you down, drain you or mess with you.

Sandy, I read your profile, I would be spitting nails myself if I had to be hands-on care for an elder, plus trying to be there for a hubby who is dealing with cancer. You are doing the work of many full-time caregivers and no one seems to care or even take notice [except for us here on the forums].

sandy22, I get mad a lot, so you're definitely not alone. Last night when I went to bed I suddenly started feeling very angry with my ex and all the stuff that has happened this last 5 years caregiving. I tried to talk myself out of being angry -- you know the old forgiveness routine. Then I thought maybe I needed to be angry. I mean, people can accept stuff so passively, being told to forgive. Or with elders, we're told not to have anger because they're old or have dementia. Then I wonder what can WE be angry at? Why is it okay for others to be angry, but not us? Well, that just p*ssed me off more, thinking that people think for some reason that it isn't okay to be angry.

Now, being an a**hole is a totally different thing. I reserve my right to be angry, but not to take it out on innocent folks. And I won't take it out on my mother, since that would be unfruitful and destructive. But I'll be darned if I'll deny myself the right to feel angry about bad things that should not have happened to me. I think you fit into the same category, sandy, with all that is going on in your life.

Jessie, I know exactly how you feel. If my sig other says to me one more time "just relax" I am going to scream as those are fighting words for me. What does he think I am, a robot?

I get angry too...but I am not sure the anger is directed in the right place. Am I angry at Mom for not remembering that I have told this before (5X) Or am I angry at myself for losing my cool? Or angry because I feel frustrated at not being able to fix this or do everything or be wonder woman? Or am I angry because the rest of the world seems not to notice how bad I feel?

Sometimes I think the two-year-old melting down into a tantrum has it right...I can't stand anymore and I have to get this out....crying & screaming until the tide shifts and the world seems better again...just most of us "adults" don;t do tantrums...and keep that all bottled up. :(

Stress and depression can be the underlying cause of the anger. Make sure you find support group (yes here helps too) and a local therapist...we all need support.

Anger's a natural response to the cumulative effects of everything you're going through.
My husband is the poster child for ADHD, and the other day I told him that he was "hogging" all the crankiness -- that I was entitled to be cranky too, dammit! And he needed to let me vent too sometimes, not just be his sounding board whenever something doesn't go his way.
A few days ago, he was out having fun, and I was dealing with another stupid hassle for my mother. Normally I wouldn't have bothered him, but this time, I called him and just ranted. I felt a little guilty after, since in the scheme of things, it was minor. My mother lost her cell phone charger, believes that she "NEEDS!!!" her cell phone when in reality, she never used it, never even knew HOW to use it, even before dementia. In order to prevent her obsessing further, I dropped what I was doing (you know, living my own life), and got to work on replacing her phone.
Anyway, yes it was minor, but obviously I'm still angry...guess I have continuous low-level angery that sometimes just blows up into a tantrum.

Listening to some of these comments makes me realize a lot of people have this a lot harder than I do. Dementia to me would be very difficult to deal with. My father has neuropathy in his hands in his legs and his balance off & very weak. can't do anything on his own but feed himself , everything else he needs assistance with. I have two sisters who helped a lot. The help is wonderful unfortunately the drama that sometimes comes with the help is not so wonderful. It's very hard to give up your life to take care of an elderly parent. I met the man of my dreams about nine months ago and I'm just afraid we won't be able to get married and live our life as long as I'mtaking care of my dad in my home. I know it's the right thing to do however I do resent it and I do get angry at times that I have to do this. I feel very guilty when this happens however it is reality.

I can understand the anger and frustration, I spent all day with my Mother's move of her things out of her apartment. We had to close it up finally once we knew she was going to be permanent in the Nursing home. So organized the movers my nieces helped and my sister helped get everything packed up and made decisions on who was to get what where etc. Finished the move at 5:15 and then my husband still wanted his supper in the evening did not understand why i was tired. He did offer to help but, coming in at the end was not going to be helpful because he sat out on our big move south. could not see him sitting around why everyone else was busy doing things. So i wanted to vent and he did not understand my anger. So we fought over a little thing and met no common ground as usual I still gave in and made him his dinner. Long he is happy I guess that is all that matters.

Lynne, it sounded like a perfect night for carry-out. I think I would have ordered pizza. You had a day, girl. We appreciate you here.

Lynne, no, if your husband's happiness is the only thing that matters to him, he has a problem. You know that, deep down. Someone needs to hit him over the head with a 2 x 4 - figuratively - and explain that packing up your mom's home was both emotionally devastating and physically exhausting and you needed love and support, not more demands and pretending it was just another usual day. That someone probably has to be you unless a sibling is willing to try to drop a hint but then if there is no response or reach out to you, well its back on you again.

To paraphrase a Biblical instruction, don't let a root of bitterness spring up here. And being this uncared for will make you bitter, and you and your marriage as well as your hubby deserve a chance to make things right. Risk it - say something.

I completely understand. I don't know the person I have turned into to. I would say the last 5 years I have turned into a tired, angry person. I am angry because although my mother is chronically ill, she is still alot better off then other people and many of her friends have already passed. She chooses not to try and do things for herself and try to be a little bit independent. I have lost some respect for her because she has no problem opening packages of food and storage bags to eat, but will not wipe herself after going to the bathroom. She has fallen to allowing her sons to wipe her, which they do but feel uncomfortable doing. She will not do a thing for herself. So I get angry about that, I am angry because I live with her and have no life. Every aspect of my life has to be "scheduled". I can't just spontaneously go out with friends to eat or catch a movie. The other day she wanted dinner from Hardees. She wanted an apple pie, but when I got home they didn't put it in the bag. I was irritated and she asked what was wrong. I told her they forgot her apple pie. She never said, 'Oh that's okay, don't worry about it.' Her response was, 'Oh, I'm sorry'....like I am sorry you are going to have to go back and get it. Really! I want to be able to wake up when I want, happy to see another day and just enjoy life. There just seems to be a 'heavy' cloud over me right now that makes me angry. I want to live my life, move when and how I want, have a relationship and eventually get remarried, to travel and just ENJOY life...

To add some more, I am angry because my parents got to have 25 years of a fun filled retirement doing a lot of traveling, etc. and they never needed to care for their own parents. My parents are in their mid-90's and doing pretty well health wise.

But when will I get to retire and see the world? Well, I am afraid that ship has sailed because of all the stress related health issues I now have, I feel I would be lucky to even see next year... my parents just don't understand how their choices for their old age is also affecting me. Even finally setting boundaries such as less running errands and driving them places, the guilt they throw out doesn't help :P

I know many others have so much more on their plates, but yesterday after the latest incident (which was more of a genuine "scare" than the usual b.s.), I felt the stress hit me so hard by mid afternoon. I was just wiped out. No energy to do anything, I just wanted to crawl into bed and not be bothered by anything or anyone.
I had a minor epiphany. It didn't hit me in a rational, "pep talk" kind of way -- it was a real, felt sense that I really needed to let go even more. I'm going above and beyond, and have been for a while now. It's ramping up, and will continue to do so for who knows how long, and I will really lose my ability to cope if I don't make some more changes.

Im angry a lot of the time. So much so that my poor little car hears me scream a lot as I do one quick turn of the block before going back and presenting a calm face once more. Angry is fine. Stress isn't do make sure you speak to the doc about how you feel they may be able to help more than you think hun xxx

JudeAH53: Been there, done that with all the screaming. If my car could speak it'd probably wonder what was making me holler and bellow.

I was just thinking, if we were employed doing this type of work with people we weren't' related to with all this stress, would we stay in that job or resign?

One time I asked my parents if in the future they needed to hire a Caregiver would they want a person who had no experience, wasn't trained for that type of work.... didn't know how to read a blood pressure machine... didn't know how to listen to your heart.... wouldn't be able to pick you up if you fell.... was afraid of driving.... hated to cook... and who was pushing 70 years old... would you accept that Caregiver into your home?

Their answer was *no*.... well guess what, that person would have been me. That was an eye opener for my parents.

Im sorted on that one Freqflyer my mum thinks that the carer and I are two different people most of the time well some of the time to be fair to her. Tonight she is totally lucid, but two hours ago not at all - its the switch between the two that drives me insane. This morning refused a wash and refused to get dressed this evening moaning like hell because she hadnt had a wash this morning and why was she still in PJs

I feel the EXACT way you do glasshalffull. I have always thought of my mom as super woman. Now I have to repeat myself on a daily basis. I'm doing it all alone for 6 years. My siblings come around every once in a while and say things like "I'm so proud of you. I couldn't do what you you. You're my hero " how about "hey do you need anything. I will take mom to lunch, take some time for yourself. When my sister comes around it gets worse. She acts like she understands what she's going through not remembering things and I don't. So I have even more anxiety when she is around and it makes MY fibromyalgia act up. I cry because I get do short with her.

zena46 my mum WAS superwoman but also superwitch nothing we ever did would ever match what she could do. I swam for my county she had too but had got a higher place than me. I went to school and got good grades but not as good as her. I went to uni - but not when she wanted me to and boy did I take stick for that. I got to senior management - I would have got higher if I hadnt married so young. NOTHING was ever good enough and it has really taken its toll of my psyche over the years. My daughter stayed with her and had a nervous breakdown, My brother had one, I had one and there is only one common denominator here as my bro and I are adopted from different families.

Now its her and me and she doesn't like that she is dependent on me one bit. I think deep in her mind she seems to expect me to be horrible to her. I do try to be the best I can be but just sometimes I have to walk away because I am so angry. Like when she smiles when she says she needs a soiled pamper changed when I had only suggested 10 minutes earlier she went to the loo - as though I wouldnt be able to smell it. I know she cant help the way she smiles and I know it is the alzheimers or whatever not the person and although I cant explain why that makes me angry it blooming infuriates me. As for siblings well not seen mine for 5 years (a bonus in this instance) daughter is supportive but wants to 'do' stuff all the time - I just want to rest actually what I want to say is why dont YOU take her out you dont need me tagging along - tried that once and she said but I want to help you get out too mummy - bless her (mutters silently to self!)

I have been feeling more angry and then guilty over anger lately so just helpful reading all your posts knowing I am not alone. I think I will seek out therapist if anger does not subside soon as I am not liking who I am becoming.

Wow! It is so great to hear that others are angry, and not feel like you are some kind of monster for wishing you could enjoy your retirement. Sharing feelings with those who understand is the best therapy. My mother never had any responsibility for her parents, and visited when Gramma went to the nursing home about once a month. She and Dad traveled all over the US, and at 72 the only vacations I get are to visit the kids & grandkids a couple times a year. I feel resentful that she expects me to do for her what she never did for her own mother. Love the questions posed by freqflyer -------I am always being asked about things that I have no knowledge of, and no reason to do so. I just reply that I'm not a nurse or doctor, and she'll have to ask them. Thanks to you all for being here.

You sound like me on a bad day. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing the best you can with what you've got. I would get angry and take it out on people who didn't deserve it, that had to stop. You can say anything on this site, no one will judge you, especially because some of us have been there. Therapy is a great way to get the emotions out in a safe place with a professional who will help you to deal with it. It helped me tremendously. My friends and family got kinda tired of hearing the same thing over and over. I had my younger sister to talk to, but we would just end up riling each other up! So, if you are able to find a good therapist, go get some sanity back. I wish you well:)

Ladies, Since I note its always the gals, that get to this state... Sending you all big hugs.
Every reply was one that showed empathy, sympathy, and how the culture of our parents day is ruling todays young elders. that's is YOU..
I live in a shack of a house, so no one else can live here [ I might keep it that way] I am 'lucky,' that my Ma has dementia that needs a secure rest home situation, cos she can walk, she can talk, but she cant turn around and get back home, she just keeps walking...... and her talking fools everyone that she knows what she is doing. but its all left her after 5sec - 2min.
You are all still, what I call my fellow sisters, and it saddens me, that you are all anchored down, doing a chore [cos that's what it is] that you are not trained in, not paid for, and its not an 8 -4 5xday week job.
Then for extra excitement, either an abusive relationship , or one with added stresses of more illness, and maybe for the cherry on top, children who are your dependants or also abusive.
You don't need a counsellor, or therapist........... you need some relief, like 3mths without a phone, and on an island where someone makes you the cup of coffee. pays your bills, and dinner is out at a restaurant not out of a can.
I can only suggest that as previous poster described her self... write out your KPIs, your job description, your job requirements, and roster... then pin it up where you and anyone can see it........... and refer to it when days are really bad, start finding jobs that can be delegated... can the parent be dropped off at a rest home that has a day care facility [quite a few do in this country]
Don't take protestations from the parents, they are no longer independent, so they need to realise that, show them your detailed job list.
Here the govt pays for 30days respite a year, allowing a few weekends off for the carer, a lady used to drop her husband off for the weekend, at the local rest home,to get away as he had Parkinsons and dementia. It gave her the break she needed.
I send you all a hug and hope you can find a useful relief method

I feel angry a lot, and have developed a bad habit of using a certain four letter word that my sheltered mother hates. There are actually much worse words, but she doesn't know it. She thinks it is the worst word possible. She has not heard me say it out loud, but sooner or later...

I feel like I was born to clean up after my family. You know those kids who were born so that they could provide an organ for another child, well that's close to how I feel many times. When I was still a small child, I already had some chores, but more upsetting was that I was burdened with their problems from the time I was in grade school. I think that it's the real reason they had a daughter - just to look after things. I automatically jump up when there is a problem. I feel like I have not lived, and this is incredibly sad to me. To think that there would be so many 'if onlys' in my life.

I cannot afford a therapist - and few in this small town, anyway. Plus, you know you have a problem when even the counselor looks sad when you are telling them things.. like they're thinking 'boy I'm glad that my life is not that bad!'

I am angry too but after reading all your post I am the lucky one. I don't take care of my mom in my home she is in assisted living. I just deal with the details of her wants and needs. Why do all you folks do it? Why not put them in a home? Medicare will pay it if you have no funds. There is not enough guilt in the world for me to have live with her.

Medicare won't pay for assisted living or nursing homes. It is not that easy. The big thing is that unless someone is declared legally competent, no one can make them go into these facilities.

err... I meant legally incompetent.

Well, happy Easter to all :). I hope everyone can enjoy their day, and know that even though we have never met, you are all in my prayers. Sue

JessieBelle's post makes me ask the question.. IF you are looking after your parent, then how can they be LEGALLY competent ????????? Yes I understand as one gets older the help to get a decent meal cooked. hanging out the sheets, controlling some mild incontinence. and a reminder that you have forgotten things.. AFTER that its incompetent or loss of independence.
Are there no social services in the USA, to help out ????
Here an elder is allowed $220k about, any other financial status goes towards their resthome care. When they get down to the $220 then the govt subsidise the 'rent' of a rest home care etc. So the family home would be sold, unless the partner is living there, and on some complex workings, the elder needing care gets it either fully paid, subsidised, or is private.
We have the pension here, so when they become a resident of the hospital level, then their pension goes towards the 'rent' and they get $38 /month for incidentals.
True you cannot move here and enjoy our social system, but becoming old before your elder, is just so unjust.

You must be in a north European country, muffincat. Things are not so good in the US when it comes to taking care of the elderly. It is considered a personal and family responsibility. Help is available for people when they become very poor.