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Mom has dementia, lives in a memory care facility and is now on hospice. The legal guardian, daughter takes care of her. The daughter sent a letter to the siblings and father (husband of Mom) a year ago requesting funeral arrangements in writing, but received no response.


When daughter became guardian of Mom Father wanted to be back in control of Moms life insurance policy, so daughter gave policy back to Dad. Daughter is now unsure if policy exists,lapsed or was borrowed against. Oldest sibling takes care of Dads finances and refuses to talk to daughter who is guardian of Mom.


Also to mention none of the siblings or father visit Mom. Father and sister came at Christmas for 20 minutes to see Mom, but in the guardians opinion it was only to clear their consience , after she spoke with the Dad telling him Mom was declining.


Guardian/daughter has made arrangements for Moms remains to go to a university for Alzheimer’s research.


Once the university is finished with Moms remains the university does a memorial service for her and others donated. Her remains can be buried at the site on the university or the daughter can have the remains sent to her in a run. This is all at no cost.


Also to mention, the father signed a legal document three years ago relinquishing his responsibilities for the care of his wife over to the daughter, now guardian of Mom.


The daughter and her spouse do not feel it is their financial responsibility to bury or make funeral arrangements for Mom. They feel it is the Dad’s, husbands duty to do this. He supposedly has the life policy if it exists. Do you think the decision to donate Mom for research is ethical, since the family will not communicate on this topic?

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If I were you, unless you have specific wishes in this matter, step back away from the whole thing

let those who are in fact in charge....like it or not...deal with this. If you insist on putting yourself into the situation...then they will all dump it totally on you. If that is not your wish...back away
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The guardian/daughter is the one who has the final say in this. It doesn’t matter who’s sniping at whom, who isn’t speaking to whom, who gets along and who doesn’t. If the decision has been made to donate Mom’s remains to the university, so be it. As Katiekate says, walk away. Do not take out your credit card, checkbook or otherwise open your wallet. It’s not for you to do. Whatever happened to the insurance policy is water over the dam.

Just let it go. Let them carry out whatever plans they have in place and keep your own counsel.
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I am sorry about your mom and what you are going through.

I would have to agree with Katiekate. You need to back away from this. In the event when mom passes I would call dad or siblings and tell them what happen and "they" have to make the decision on mom's funeral that you refuse to make any decision without them. Leave a voice message or text...whatever you have to do. Do not make the decision alone!
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An insurance policy is no guarantee that the beneficary will use the money for a funeral for the insured and they don't have to. The money is theirs to do with it what the beneficary wants. Guardian should have never turned the policy in hopes it would be used on the mother.
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janerides Jan 2019
Policy should be assigned to a funeral home.
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The executor (if there is one has the responsibility to make funeral arrangements.
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I think donation to research is a great idea, but there probably is not availability of that option anymore with the number of victims of Alzheimers/ Dementia/ CTE etc..
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Well here is the rest of the story. I am the Executor and my spouse is the second back up. What to do?
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Ahmijoy Jan 2019
I’m probably wrong, but as Executor, I believe your responsibility is to work with the attorney, if there is one, or probate, to make sure what she has written in the Will is carried out. If she has specific wishes for her funeral and burial in there, then its your responsibility to make sure the arrangements are carried out and how. I was my mom’s Executor, but I knew far in advance what she wanted done. Other than that, I made sure all her accounts were settled, packed up what she’d left in her apartment and that was about it.

It has has to be difficult, especially in your situation to have one person as POA and another as Executor.
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I also agree let who ever is in charge stay in charge. much prayers
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I think donation of her remains for Alzheimer's research is a wonderful gift.

I would decide at the point you need to, it could be years before they are done with her remains and things change. I personally would have them intern her at the university, what a great legacy, my g-g-grandma is buried at university, pretty cool in my opinion.

Do what you need to do for yourself when she passes, go have lunch at her favorite place, get friends and family together and have a picnic or whatever, it is for you at that point.

Money tends to bring out the ugliest of some people, sorry your step-dad feels like he doesn't have to care for his wife's heart any longer.

Hugs!
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I think the donation option is best. My daughter attends a university that has a cadaver lab that we toured when she began her education there. It wasn’t at all what I thought it’d be like. It was spotlessly clean, respectful, calm, and peaceful. The professor in charge of it explained that in the beginning of the term the students were assigned “their” body for the next two semesters, told how to respectfully care for them, taught to treat them as they would a beloved grandparent. There are cameras throughout the room monitoring 24 hours a day so anytime someone is there it’s seen on camera. They’ve never had a body treated disrespectfully. The professor said the students actually become very attached to the cadaver. At the end of the second semester the families are given the option of being given their loved one back for burial or cremation or if they wish the university will take care of it at no charge. Before the end there’s an optional memorial service time for the students that the professor said most all students choose to attend. If this plan is in place you can feel good about it and know it will be a useful and purposeful ending.
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Ahmijoy Jan 2019
Daughter, we are considering this as well. We are estranged from family and have no friends who would attend a very expensive funeral. How does one go about finding a university who has this program? I read once that these universities don’t accept people who have had surgeries and/or have had organs removed. Didn’t make much sense to me since not many of us make it to “Senior-hood” fully intact.

I would appreciate any information you can provide. Thanks!
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The original decision to donate the remains was not only ethical, but also a beautiful and generous tribute to your mom’s life on earth.
Since it was her last gesture to benefit the lives of others, her remains should be buried at the university.
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