Should non-involved children be told their father is on Hospice?

I would email each of them once. How they choose to respond is up to them. Be clear that because of end of life care now being in place, that they are welcome to visit only if they call ahead, as he is often being cared for by the Hospice team, and often asleep, as well as that these visits must be convenient for you too, and that they must be kept relatively short, say one hour, and that your husband needs absolute peace and quiet, so only one or two at a time. I know that you do not want to have kept them from their father, even if they have acted less than stellar in his time of need, and yours. Regrets are hard to live with, so do give it one last try. Also, nobody truly knows what others are thinking or what feelings they are harboring from past hurts. You might be surprised (though probably not), and they now start stepping up to offer you assistance. And your husband may find peace and comfort from calls and visits from his children. I'm sorry they haven't been as involved as you both would have liked. Sometimes people don't know how to act when faced with dementia and ilness. I have been facing this with my husband's siblings, as they rarely call their Dad, and have never visited him in 12 years. You would think his own kids would have acted differently, but sadly not. You are kind to consider them. Take care.

I do not know what they "deserve". I do know I would leave the a telephone message. Just one per child, "just wanted to let you know your dad is in hospice at blank facility". If they do not return the call, that would be my last communication, I would not advise them when the end comes.

You sound great, but personally I don't think they deserve to know. On the other hand, sometimes unfortunately, some adult children come back into the picture when they feel it could benefit them. At some point down the road, if they try to dispute the will, they could claim that you were withholding information from them. My opinion is to tell them, just in case they have an issue with the will. Hope all goes well.

Windy's points are well taken. Think first of your own situation, and that of your husband. You wrote that it would hurt even more to know that you've updated them and they haven't responded. Perhaps that's your answer right there.

Maybe you should think about you instead of them. Which way would be less harmful to your wellbeing? Choose that route. BTW, glad to hear that about the will.

I think you should send an email to at least one of them asking him/her to let the others know..

No, I am not worried about them interfering because my gut tells me there would be no response (which would hurt even more). I think after he passes they will be around because they think they are in his will and have something coming to them, which is not the case because he changed his will when he was of sound mind and able to do that.

I was very close to my parents so it is very difficult for me to understand.

In my opinion it hurts no one to send off a quick email, it is the right thing to do and in the coming months no one can accuse you of not being up front with them. What they choose to do with that info is up to them.

I would tell "everyone" that you appreciate their advice and will (a) consider it (b) follow it (c) make your own decision, depending on how much you want these people involved and offering further advice, or just (d) thank them for their concern and drop the issue.

Are these people old time friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances? That level would I think be one of the factors of providing any future information to them, and/or taking their advice.

This is your life, your husband, and his family. Those are the relevant factors, not what "everyone" else tells you. Although some people have offered me advice, I find it irritating when someone presumes to know enough about our situation to offer unsolicited advice.

Some have been helpful over the years so I try to be tactful and just offer general updates. Some are just meddlers, so I usually cut the conversation short unless they have specific experience that benefits us. And those who have absolutely no idea what caregiving involves either get a quick explanation or an "oops; I have another call coming in."

I think this really is a toss-up - they might not be offering to care b/c they don't have any idea what to do, they don't perceive that you need it if you've never specifically asked them, just don't want to get involved, or just can't handle it.

However, given that he's in hospice, there may be some family members who want to address their absence, and make a last visit. You might consider e-mailing them just once and wait for their response. If they don't show any interest, I think you've done all you can and exhibited basic courtesy.

Knowing people, though, sometimes they create a fuss and friction after the fact when they discover someone has passed and they weren't even notified that death was so close.

My gut feeling would be to tell them. They may not respond or do anything about the situation but what would it hurt. Are you worried they would interfere?