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I am married to my wonderful husband who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2007. He was doing great and was able to walk, exercise and be on his own while I was a work until January 2015 when he was no longer able to be alone and home health care was brought into the home. Since February of 2016 he has shown a dramatic decline and the doctor recommended Hospice be brought in, which we did.

His children from a previous marriage have never been a part of his life like most children are, but did call to check on him periodically and would respond when I sent them updates on their father.

In July of 2015 he had an episode that included a 911 call, cops and me calling his children thinking they could talk him out of his episode and bring him back to the real world. Since that time they have little contact with their father and are non-responsive to e-mails. When he was in the hospital in February of this year I did get a "thank you" for letting them know, but no follow-up to see how their father was doing.

Now that he is on Hospice everyone is telling me I have to tell them and let them know his condition. Part of me does not feel that they have earned the right to know since they show no concern about his well being. Not once have they asked if there was anything they could do to help me care for their father or shown any desire to spend time with him before it's too late and he doesn't even know who they are (I think we are at that point).

To my knowledge there has never been any drama or bad blood between them, they just seem like they don't have time for him, just don't care or are totally freaked out about his condition.

Any thoughts you might have would be appreciated.

Thank you.

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Thanks Maddi! It helps to know how it worked out. They could have been more involved sooner, but probably had any number of emotional barriers - glad they overcame and touched base now despite those hurdles. Hugs, and prayers that the support continues and you and he find peace and comfort.
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I suppose the right thing to do is send an e-mail and give them an update.
I'm with Whitney though, don't be surprised if they show up when he is near the end. Death in a family brings out the vulture in some people, especially in children who don't care that much for the parent until it looks like they might get something.
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So glad all worked out. You did ur part and it worked out. Now no guilt. People get involved in their own lives and think there is always tomorrow. But, the years go by so fast.
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Thank you to everyone who responded to my question. I did contact the children and they have all been over multiple times to see their father. He had moments when he didn't seem to recognize them, but in my heart I feel he felt their love and did connect with them. All of the visits have been wonderful and each one has made a point to repeatedly tell me how much they love me and appreciate everything I do to take care of their father. They have even said they were remiss in saying that in the past and feel bad that they haven't taken the time to visit. It all turned out better than expected and I feel much better knowing everyone had a chance to have their own closure (even if he doesn't pass in the near future). Thank you again for all of your advice.
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They are his children, no matter what the circumstances. It sounds like they have had some involvement, however sporadic and for whatever the reasons. They have every right to know what is happening with their father, especially now that his time on this earth may be limited. It is a difficult time for you, truly, and I send you all prayers and best wishes. But you may regret it deeply if you do not at least give his other children their chance to deal with what is happening, to say their goodbyes, or offer support as they can. They may indeed surprise you with their love. You may not know all of what transpired in their family in the past, and to make judgments at this crucial point will not serve you best. At least e-mail them. Phone calls are even better. Be at peace in whatever you decide.
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My answer is completely different, my husband stage 7 over the past 3 years has been in the Hospital/ ER, several times, one stay 31 days in a medication behavioral clinic, 5 minutes from where his RN daughter works, she has never gone to see him and has not seen or even called to ask how he is in almost three years, I stopped sending updates & pictures a year ago, no response whatsoever, so when hospice comes, followed by his full honor burial at Arlington Cemetery, she'll have to find out some other way then me contacting her.
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Maddi, I think I'd give hospice the children's contact details and let them do it if they think that is what's best for their patient. Apart from anything, aren't the children more likely to pay attention if they get a call from a healthcare professional? Plus, of course, it will preserve your energy and blood pressure reading for more important things.
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Email them and let them know their father has been admitted to hospice. Keep it simple. It's just good manners to let them know.
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Malachy2 has a strong point there. What I would add to that is that sometimes people also shy away because they don't want to be laden with responsibilities they may not be cut out for.
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I agree with all: Let grown children know their dad is nearing the end of his earthly life. So many times, folks distance themselves because of fear;guilt;a mix of many emotions. Send them an email:Let them know. Whatever they do is not of consequence to you. It is the right thing to do. No regrets on your part. Families are a mystery. We are with you in so great a loss. Malachy 2
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I personnally would not rely on one person to get info to another. Each time the story is repeated, it will change a little. I think calling each one individually is better. Then, you've done ur job and just let events take their course.
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Just want to say...my Mom was one of 4. Her father left when she was small to live with a woman he had 3 children by. He forgot his first family and bragged about his second. My own daughter has no feelings towards her real father. He allowed my husband to adopt her and walked away.
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We don't really know the dinamics of his previous family. His children may not have been close since childhood. Another man may have raised them. Be better than them. Send an email telling them the situation. Invite them to visit. Will he know them? They may feel if he doesn't no reason to visit. They may not need that closer.
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Tell them ASAP.
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Definitely let them know. I have two children (ages 59 and 57), whose father left us when they were small. He never provided support of any kind, although we did stay friends with his parents. Despite the neglect over the years, when their biological father was near death, they felt the need to be with him at the end. It was cathartic in a strange way for both of them. They were raised by a loving stepfather who adopted them at the ages of 4 and 6.
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So Maddi656 did you contact his children?
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Telling the children about hospice is definitely the right thing to do as someone else mentioned here. It would be a good idea to at least tell them even if the relationship really wasn't the best. They may not want to get involved if the parent was abusive toward them in some way when they were younger. Not every uninvolved relative is necessarily at fault because you never know the real situation behind it all. I don't really know your family situation, but I can tell you that these days it seems bad relationships are on the rise. Depending on the situation will determine whether or not other relatives want to get involved later, and in the specific case of past abuse, past victims may not even be able to be involved given the circumstances at hand. One example is my abusive bio parents. I never knew when either of them died until I happened to have found out one way or another. It would have been good had someone told me at very least so at very least I would've known something was up. Because I was denied as part of the family, it was as though I never existed to them despite there being proof that I really am biologically theirs. We just never know the reasons for why someone is on involved, it may be through no fault of their own, but rather than a choice of the patents. Depending on the situation, this may be a situation where someone is reaping what they sowed. We just never know since families are different
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Sorry I meant as for their father not your father obviously. It's past 5 am and been a really long night here at my household since my grandma has decided not to sleep again. I hate anxiety filled nights.
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I agree with the others who said they would try to contact them once. I would not chase them down or force anything. I wouldn't even expect anything but some people feel very strongly about being able to say goodbye and perhaps they would like that ability even if they have shown no interest in his life prior. Worse than happens is nothing comes of it and the stepchildren are left with their own guilt as to why they never made a point to see him. Plus you don't want to risk ever feel guilty or wonder if they might have come if you had contacted them. You have to do what is best for everyone involved. Since you find yourself asking if you have to, that probably means in your mind you are having concerns about not informing them and if you do so you can at least go to bed every night knowing you tried and they made their choice.

As for your father, sometimes people hold on waiting until they get to talk to everyone and he might benefit from having them come and see him so he knows they are ok and if they do not come you can let him if he asks, know you at least tried to contact them. (not sure how coherent your dad is).
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Your husband is on Hospice. My mom was on hospice, then they graduated her as not needing help. She is out of harm's way. Hospice has taken a more strict rule it seems like...Do what your conscience tells you....It looks like take the better way, and contact them in some way....Just thought you kids should know, your father is on hospice.....Call us, come over...We are here....The doors are open....
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I am in a similar situation. This includes my oldest sibling, the other one died...Mom is declining, but the oldest, has not been able to come down and see mom since our middle sibling died last year. Doesn't ask about mom's condition, nor our Aunt's condition on my dad's side, whom I take care of as well...Do I tell sibling when mom or aunt dies? Do I wait to see if anyone cares enough to ask? Nobody visits Mom or aunt expect my child, spouse, and me......Mind you, Mom has 3 other grandkids...None of them call, visit, or ask how is grandma? How is great aunt? NOTHING....Oh well,,, don't know if I can take the high road, me thinks they already wrote them off as dead. If they were interested, they would have emailed, called, or visit them.. Good luck, when it's over, and you have 2nd thoughts, after hubby dies, it will be too late.... If you are wondering, and asking, then, you know what is right for you, your spouse, and his kids...
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If you do call one, make sure they are reliable. Leaving the burden on one child, could resort in the word not getting to the others and then there is a new issue of who is to blame if one was contacted and not the others.
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I would contact one of the children by phone and have that child inform the siblings. An email seems too impersonal to let someone know their father is dying. I understand your hesitance about informing them, but not doing it might have a negative impact.
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Since they were contacted in July 2015 in an emergency situation in order to help orient their dad, I would think that an update of his condition would be in order. Even if they don't respond. It's not what they do, but what you do. And there must be something there if you resorted to calling them in that emergency. I'm not sure I understand that at all.

I do feel for you in this very sad time. I hope that whatever you decide, you will find peace with it.
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Sorry posted before finished.
Trying to say that we sometimes have to disassociate from painful situations in order to bear the pain. children who were left to deal with their parents divorce through no fault of their own sometimes have to distance themselves. I realize these children are grown but they are his children and regardless of their current relationship they are connected.
After you notify them, they may or may not respond. That's their right. They have probably had a lot of practice saying goodbye to their father. Full disclosure and transparency are less judgmental and leave you with less to regret.
I would notify them and should they visit, I would give them a few minutes alone with their dad.
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I have a couple of thoughts. One is that when things that are too painful in ones life ( and that you have no control over ) happen
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Take the high road even if they have taken the low road. (Do unto others . . .)
It will allow you to have no regrets and it will eliminate the possibility of any nasty comment from them that 'if they had only known . . .' Send an email to all of them and keep a copy just for your peace of mind.

Do and forget about it. Spend time with your husband and know that others are thinking of you.
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Maddie, when you wrote "July of 2015 he had an episode that included a 911 call" seem to be the turning point with your husband's children. They probably cannot wrap their brains around what is happening to their Dad, and that is understandable. Their Dad is no longer the Dad they knew for all those decades, it's like he is someone else.

I vote with the other writer's above, send email or call the children and let them know that their Dad is on his final journey with Alzheimer's, and if possible for them to come to visit him, even though he might not know who they are. If they decline, it could be they want to remember their Dad pre-Alzhimer's. Always keep the door open for them to call, email or visit.
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I think, if I were faced with this problem, I'd go ahead and send the absent children a brief group e-mail letting them know the situation. That way you've covered all the bases--they can respond if they want to do so, and they can't complain later that you kept their father's condition a secret. For what it's worth, I seldom get a response when I e-mail my three siblings with updates on our father. Because Dad is fully competent mentally and talks to Mom and two of my siblings regularly, I recently quit sending them updates on minor events (such as uneventful visits to specialists). However, if he were gravely ill, I would contact them with the news.
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