Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?

llamalover, what would be your advice to the person who is staying full-time with a parent and is unable to work because of it? Would it be the same? There is always the option of returning to work and looking at other options for caring for the parent. The OP in this specific case was having trouble maintaining life between two households.

Your parents pay for their food; you pay for yours.

I don't mind that my parents rely on me. I just don't want to feel like a well that is being tapped out without being refilled.

I feel as children our responsibility is to make sure our parents are safe, fed, clothed and clean. We shouldn't have to give up everything we have worked for and our future. Its sad that our parents are living to the point of losing their independence and having to rely on us. They have to realize that things are going to change. They may longer be able to live in their homes. Selling them may help them have a nice apartment or AL. Its not fair to think that we should be keeping up their homes and ours too. That our husbands get left behind because they won't bend. They had their lives and we should have ours.

Reading through many of the things people write, including myself, I get the idea that many of us don't feel we have the right to ask anything for ourselves. Why could that be? Why do we feel like we have a duty to do for others, but not to expect anything back? There is no quid pro quo (this for that), just quid and more quid. Many times we don't even get respect.

Yes AZLife, I think your mom should pay for your food...taking care of an elder is draining & overwhelming, especially when the care receiver is demanding like both my parents are. My GreedSer doesn´t even buy any food and is eating off everyone else, he calls me all the horrible names on the planet whenever I mention that everyone (including him) should contibute towards food...he doesn´t have the same horrendous reactions when my brother says something, though! In a few days I´m taking both my elders to live with my sister (separate home), and the GreedSer who totally disrespects women will be a total burden on all of us...I´ve told my siser to withdraw cash from one of his accounts, which she has access to, but she feels that the bank personnel has become suspicious of her...GreedSer has many bank accounts, but doesn´t dish out 1 PENNY...it is so extremely frustrating! Good luck!

In my opinion you shouldn't be paying for anything. Without you, she would have to pay for a caregiver 15 to 20 an hour. You can't be eating that much food. I can see buying your personnal things or food Mom doesn't like but you do. Maybe itstime to sit down and explain that you r retired. Also, you have a right to see your husband. If she can afford it hire a caregiver to watch her while you see your husband. You are entitled to your life.

I your mom had a live in caretaker she would be paying for everything including food plus a salary. You might let her hire someone and you stay with your husband and let mom see what it costs. If she wants you to come back, because maybe she doesn;t like this strange person, You can say, "I won't charge you as much"

I don't know if anyone has already mentioned this but....if Mom is in a financial position that she will never need Medicaid, then she can certainly afford to pay for all costs incurred when you are with her, including your meals, etc.You don't want to be paid to take care of her but you certainly don't expect that your personal finances should suffer along the way. Also, you are giving up so much. Help her understand that. Also, if she is financially sound, who will inherit when she passes? Tell her you would inherit less than have your current finances deteriorate. If she is not in that financial position, there isn't a need to hang on tight to all her funds cause she will just have to spend it down if she ever needs Medicaid so why not spend it now.

$300? That's $10 a day. 41.6 CENTS AN HOUR. I think we are all worth that- don't you?

My Mom lives with my wife and I and a full time caregiver. My Mom contributes a fixed amount per month for her and her caregiver's food and utilities. I long ago decided not to burden her (or myself) with changes to the amounts when food and utilities go up since she has mild dementia and it's like starting the topic all over again since she has forgotten by then that she is even paying those costs. We still cover the mortgage, taxes and maintenance costs of our home since those expenses would not change regardless of her presence. She also has OCD which causes her to need tons of toilet paper, tissue, baby wipes and paper towels. (Yeah, there's a paper theme). So she pays for all of that stuff regardless of who uses it--would be impossible to keep track. If your Mom can afford to help, don't feel guilty about letting (or requiring) it. Whether she has the faculties to realize it or not, you need her help and you are giving far more than you receive at this point in her life. It's not like you are raiding her bank account for a Jamaican vacation. Set it up and move on.

Yes, if I was not here doing the caregiving, Mom would need to either pay someone to be here full-time or go in a nursing home, and I know for a fact that she gets better care and attention from me than she would under any other circumstance.

My two sisters may or may not have a problem with Mom picking up my portion of groceries and sundries. It would probably cost Mom about another $200 or so a month. I would of course pay for my own when it comes to things I like that Mom doesn't eat, and for my own toothpaste, deodorant and such.

I guess my next concern on this is how to go about it. Mom's short-term memory is not very good, and so if we discuss this today she may well forget it by later today or by tomorrow. Some months ago, she decided that she wanted to give me $500 a month in return for all I do for her -- I told her she really didn't have to do that, but she was insistent. A few days later she had completely forgotten it, so of course I didn't push the point.

I'm wondering if the best thing might be to clear this with my sisters so that they know about it and are agreeable to it, and then discuss with Mom. Then if Mom is okay with it, my sisters will know that she has okayed it even if she later forgets it -- I could tell her "talk with X (sister)" who will back up that Mom has okayed this.

Don't know about putting it in writing, I would not want Mom to later think I had her sign something she doesn't remember signing....

tacy, I don't blame you for hiding food. The woman could make herself sick. I have to have tact with my mother because she needs to see herself as the dominant matriarch. It is a complex situation that bugs me sometimes, but it is easier to let it go in order to tackle the bigger battles. But I do have to say if someone did for me the things I do for her, I would feel like I could never pay them enough. She and I are from two different planets.

I've been thinking about this for a bit - trying to come up with something everyone would consider "fair" - which is laughable since when it comes to money and bill splitting it seems one party or the other always feels their getting the crappy end of the stick. Your situation is also one of those that could go one forever in the "on the one hand..." cycle. Bottom line - if you weren't living there would mom have to hire someone to look after her? Would mom have to move to Assisted Living or a nursing home? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" than I'd say you've got a lot of leeway as your mother is getting a huge bargin! You didn't mention - do you have siblings that would either back you up or conversely get all bent out of shape over the money spent? Regardless - since you want to involve your mom in the process, I'd suggest a sit down talk. Maybe start out with saying you want to work out a household budget regarding groceries and supplies with her. Explain that supporting two household grocery expenses is beggining to cause you and your husband a financial hardship - and that since you'd like to continue helping her around the house - some adjustments need to be made. Then work out a budget. Another thread here addressed how much food allowance a live in care giver should be given - mind you they also received a salary. A poster went to a state website that gave figures by law that a live-in would be allowed for food. It was crazy low figures - the snack figure sticks in my head - it was like .87 cents twice a day! Really? You can't even buy a decent apple for .87 cents these days. Be fair - if you eat an expensive type snack that mom doesn't - omitt that and buy it with your own money. Which brings me to your own money: you really should be given some type of pay or allowance for what you do. With a food budget and an allowance your mom is still getting a bargin considering paid hourly care givers get roughly $25 an hour and elderly living (AL/NH) can start at $3,000 then upwards of $12,000. a month. If you have no meddling relatives - just you and mom - you might be able to keep things as an agreement between you two. But getting a care contract drawn up with legal assistance is a far better idea. Either way - keep detailed records, notes and receipts for your own protection - if the amounts you are spending are reasonable you shouldn't have anything to really worry about. In the end - for all your years of care the last thing you should be is broke!

I just thought of the real reason that I buy so much of the food. My mother has this habit of pointing out how much she does for me, like buying the groceries. I am able to say truthfully that we both buy them. She doesn't remember that, though. She sees me as someone she is taking care of. She talked about a while back if maybe I could be a dependent on her income taxes. That was kind of funny. She does have a hard time sorting through things now and it really doesn't matter. I do things to protect myself from her more belittling words, e.g. pay for all my bills and groceries. Is it fair? No, but it's the way it is living under these odd conditions.

AZLife, since you are providing free caregiving, I think your mother should pay for the food and utilities at her place. It sounds like you're doing what I am doing. I pay for the groceries sometimes and use her card at other times. It depends on how much of what I bought is for me and how much for her. In reality, however, since I wear every hat in the house (caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, shopping, etc.) she should really cover it all. I've just not done that yet.

So, yes, I think it totally fair that you mother should pay all the groceries. It really doesn't cost much more for two than for one. There are just fewer leftovers.

AZ, I think you're in a precarious spot. You don't seem to be equated staying with your mom and financial difficulties.

You are having difficulty making your "reasonable" income stretch because you are trying to maintain two households.

I would get a caregiving contract set up with your mom asap. I seem to recall a month or so ago she was convinced that you had a strange man in the house. I would get legal boundaries and contracts in place for your protection.

We have my FIL living in our home X 11+ years now, and he pays 600 per month towards his rent, up from 500 initially, and he pays towards food, and sundries, about 300 per mo, which includes all of the shopping and errands done for him, the cooking of 2 meals per day, he can still manage his own breakfast for the most part, in his rent payment, it includes the basic household bills, such as water, heat, garbage, sewer, cable TV and telephone and electricity. I do his laundry, my husband does the majority of the cooking, and it just works. One thing he did do, when we consolidated his household into ous, was he bought new furniture for our family room, but 5hat was because he was spending more time in there, in the early years, a big screen TV, and he promised and delivered, a new roof put on our home, when it became nessasry, which was done last summer. He also shared the costs, of my husband building a 14 × 14 shed, up in the corner of our backyard, which houses all of the extra things, he wasn't prepared to discard, at the time of his moving in. We have now consolidated this down to just a few boxes. He gave up driving about 17 months ago, so now my husband has transferred his car, into his own name, but then husband also now does all of the maintenance, insurance, and gas, and does all of FIL's errands and drives my FIL to all of his appointments. So far, we have had no disputes over monies, but we have never done a personal care contract, which we probably should do, but again we haven't.yet. My FIL, since giving up driving, has become increasingly weak, and his mobility issues have increased 10 fold, and this is my biggest concern now. I have given him those stretchy bands to use to help him with his muscle weakness, and he says he does use them, both for leg and arm exercises, but do to his lack of walking around in the stores, he is a big fall risk, and now my next hurdle is to get him to use his walkers. We have also kitted out our home for safety issues, and have installed grab bars in his bathroom as well as a shower bench, with handheld shower wand, and thus far, he can still manage to showere himself, about once a week, and he washes himself daily.so, this is how we do it, it isn't nessarily the perfect situation, as he has both a bedroom, a TV room, and the main bathroom in our home, as well as full use of every other room, except our own bedroom, and yes, it is getting old, never going away for more than a couple of hours, and not having had a vacation in 7 years now, but I'm going to be working on this, this year.Good Luck on figuring out a harmonious solution. Oh, and he also does not as yet, have any dementia diagnosis, though he is having some memory issues. So if you do not have her legal paperwork done yet, I suggest you do this!

No, Mom is not paying me for what I do for her, and I don't really need her to pay me because my husband and I have a reasonable income between our Social Security and his VA disability, but our bank account does get tight over the groceries issue because at our end he and I can't budget on the food bill.

She would know because I would need to bring this up and discuss it with her. I handle all her bill paying for her, but I would not change how we've been doing this without getting her okay on it.

Is your mother paying you for your services?

What you are asking is more than fair; other children actually charge a heck of a lot more.

How will she know? Does she still do her own bills? Anyone that does what you do should be allowed nourishment.

Have you applied for food stamps or food assistance programs?