Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?

AZ, I think you're in a precarious spot. You don't seem to be equated staying with your mom and financial difficulties.

You are having difficulty making your "reasonable" income stretch because you are trying to maintain two households.

I would get a caregiving contract set up with your mom asap. I seem to recall a month or so ago she was convinced that you had a strange man in the house. I would get legal boundaries and contracts in place for your protection.

AZLife, since you are providing free caregiving, I think your mother should pay for the food and utilities at her place. It sounds like you're doing what I am doing. I pay for the groceries sometimes and use her card at other times. It depends on how much of what I bought is for me and how much for her. In reality, however, since I wear every hat in the house (caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, shopping, etc.) she should really cover it all. I've just not done that yet.

So, yes, I think it totally fair that you mother should pay all the groceries. It really doesn't cost much more for two than for one. There are just fewer leftovers.

What you are asking is more than fair; other children actually charge a heck of a lot more.

AZLife, I think the key words there are "if they were able to stay with Mom full-time." Really, they could, but it would require rearranging their lives. Not being able to help is really just a mindset some people have. People with this mindset depend completely on the one that gets involved. What a tremendous favor you do them. It is sad that the favor is not being shown back to you.

I would do what I need to do to take care of myself in your position. IF your sisters were there, they would pay for their own food. But the truth is that they choose not to be there, so don't have to do caregiving or help maintain two households. It sounds like they are pretty much getting a free ride on your back. If that is the case, they don't even deserve a word in what you do.

You personally know what is reasonable and what is right. Your sisters p*ssed me off. If they aren't going to participate in caregiving, they can at least support the sibling that is. This makes me appreciate my brothers more. They don't help, but at least they don't hurt.

How will she know? Does she still do her own bills? Anyone that does what you do should be allowed nourishment.

No, Mom is not paying me for what I do for her, and I don't really need her to pay me because my husband and I have a reasonable income between our Social Security and his VA disability, but our bank account does get tight over the groceries issue because at our end he and I can't budget on the food bill.

She would know because I would need to bring this up and discuss it with her. I handle all her bill paying for her, but I would not change how we've been doing this without getting her okay on it.

I've been thinking about this for a bit - trying to come up with something everyone would consider "fair" - which is laughable since when it comes to money and bill splitting it seems one party or the other always feels their getting the crappy end of the stick. Your situation is also one of those that could go one forever in the "on the one hand..." cycle. Bottom line - if you weren't living there would mom have to hire someone to look after her? Would mom have to move to Assisted Living or a nursing home? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" than I'd say you've got a lot of leeway as your mother is getting a huge bargin! You didn't mention - do you have siblings that would either back you up or conversely get all bent out of shape over the money spent? Regardless - since you want to involve your mom in the process, I'd suggest a sit down talk. Maybe start out with saying you want to work out a household budget regarding groceries and supplies with her. Explain that supporting two household grocery expenses is beggining to cause you and your husband a financial hardship - and that since you'd like to continue helping her around the house - some adjustments need to be made. Then work out a budget. Another thread here addressed how much food allowance a live in care giver should be given - mind you they also received a salary. A poster went to a state website that gave figures by law that a live-in would be allowed for food. It was crazy low figures - the snack figure sticks in my head - it was like .87 cents twice a day! Really? You can't even buy a decent apple for .87 cents these days. Be fair - if you eat an expensive type snack that mom doesn't - omitt that and buy it with your own money. Which brings me to your own money: you really should be given some type of pay or allowance for what you do. With a food budget and an allowance your mom is still getting a bargin considering paid hourly care givers get roughly $25 an hour and elderly living (AL/NH) can start at $3,000 then upwards of $12,000. a month. If you have no meddling relatives - just you and mom - you might be able to keep things as an agreement between you two. But getting a care contract drawn up with legal assistance is a far better idea. Either way - keep detailed records, notes and receipts for your own protection - if the amounts you are spending are reasonable you shouldn't have anything to really worry about. In the end - for all your years of care the last thing you should be is broke!

Yes, if I was not here doing the caregiving, Mom would need to either pay someone to be here full-time or go in a nursing home, and I know for a fact that she gets better care and attention from me than she would under any other circumstance.

My two sisters may or may not have a problem with Mom picking up my portion of groceries and sundries. It would probably cost Mom about another $200 or so a month. I would of course pay for my own when it comes to things I like that Mom doesn't eat, and for my own toothpaste, deodorant and such.

I guess my next concern on this is how to go about it. Mom's short-term memory is not very good, and so if we discuss this today she may well forget it by later today or by tomorrow. Some months ago, she decided that she wanted to give me $500 a month in return for all I do for her -- I told her she really didn't have to do that, but she was insistent. A few days later she had completely forgotten it, so of course I didn't push the point.

I'm wondering if the best thing might be to clear this with my sisters so that they know about it and are agreeable to it, and then discuss with Mom. Then if Mom is okay with it, my sisters will know that she has okayed it even if she later forgets it -- I could tell her "talk with X (sister)" who will back up that Mom has okayed this.

Don't know about putting it in writing, I would not want Mom to later think I had her sign something she doesn't remember signing....

I don't know if anyone has already mentioned this but....if Mom is in a financial position that she will never need Medicaid, then she can certainly afford to pay for all costs incurred when you are with her, including your meals, etc.You don't want to be paid to take care of her but you certainly don't expect that your personal finances should suffer along the way. Also, you are giving up so much. Help her understand that. Also, if she is financially sound, who will inherit when she passes? Tell her you would inherit less than have your current finances deteriorate. If she is not in that financial position, there isn't a need to hang on tight to all her funds cause she will just have to spend it down if she ever needs Medicaid so why not spend it now.

Tell them their opportunity for privilege starts next week and go home to your husband.