Who I should be seeing: psychologist vs therapist vs mental health counselor?

In your situation, I would first schedule a physical with your pcp, just to check as to whether you have any underlying physical stuff (thyroid, b-12, anemia). Ask your pcp if s/he has any recommendations for a talk therapist.

In my experience, it's less the title that the person has than the quality of the relationship and the "goodness of fit" that allows you to work of these sorts of issues sucessfully.

Arrange respite, and start thinking about your exit strategy when this becomes too much for you to do.

Taking care of two seniors in your home with one of them having dementia doesn't sound like a small thing to me. What does your husband say about it? Does he understand what kind of responsibility you have? I would think that going to a job would be a lot easier than staying home and doing what you are doing. Plus, you have it 24/7.

Great idea to see a therapist. I have no idea which is best. Do you have insurance coverage? I think I would check to see how that works and who is in-network, conveniently located, comes recommended, etc. I like professionals who have experience, simply because they have seen things and lived more and generally more comfortable with themselves, but, that's me.

My preference is a therapist or counselor who is a licensed clinical social worker., LCSW. They have a foot in both worlds of psychology and society which is a good combination.

I have tried both, a Psychologist and Therapist. The Psychologist had no background with dealing with elderly loved ones nor with serious illnesses. She did give me some good advice but after awhile I decided the sessions hit a road block.

A couple of months ago my primary doctor recommended a Talk Therapist, and boy did I luck out. It was worth the wait to see her. She is around my age, and had issues with her late parents as they aged. Talk about a perfect match. We can pretty much talk about anything. She had helped build up my self-confidence which disappeared as I was helping my late parents. Plus I had other issues which were causing just as much stress as my parents. IT will take awhile to get back on the right track, but at least I am on the right train :)

If your in-laws have funds, hire a paid caregiver to come in to help them. You have to go through a few caregivers from an Agency to find a good fit. And don't shadow the caregivers as they do their work, this is your free time, get out of the house if you have the energy. Find a part-time job or do volunteer work to give you the great feeling of really being needed.

I see by your profile that the inlaws are very young, FIL with ALZ at 59 and MIL 61. Is there some reason they both need constant supervision? There are several posters here that have cared/are caring for a spouse, many of them decades older than your MIL. I don't question the decision to have them live with you, but I don't understand why you can't get out and have some kind of life outside the home, either paid employment or volunteering. IMO having something to focus on other than all the irritants that come with having your home taken over by your needy inlaws would do as much or more than a therapist could.

"Bless my poor husband's heart. He works almost all day, comes home and has to hear me complain about his parents and take care of them because I'm going crazy." Well, they are HIS parents...

Why is your husband using you as free help? It's past time for a heart to heart talk.

Go a.s.a.p. to your local senior center and attend a caregiver's support group, free, or a donation. Then say yes if anyone is going out to lunch after.

Then, go again.

Stress does that to a person-makes you doubt your own sanity.
It may be that you are ok mentally, but just need a little help.

However, the definition of insanity is:
"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

Your stress reaction is a red flag that something needs to change.

Can you describe what a bad breakdown looks like in your house?

I know it's his parents, trust me, I use that excuse to validate a lot of things. But I know he's tired too. A breakdown for me includes crying, questioning if getting married was the right thing for us and just secluding myself from my husband and his parents. My in laws are young but look really old because of all the illnesses they have. They both have kidney failure so they're both on dialysis. I have to sit with my FIL at dialysis 3 times a week for 3 hours because he pulls his needles out. He's had multiple strokes, triple bypass and was in a coma after the surgery and had to be taught how to do everything again: walking, eating, chewing. He still isn't the same. Memory is iffy and cognitive thinking is out the door. My husband tells me all the time he'll quit his job to switch places with me but he's in a manager position and this is a sacrifice for our future on my part. I started taking care of them shortly after we were married so this is abnormal part of our marriage. It's been hard but I just need someone else to talk to. Staff and nurses at dialysis are a huge help but they're probably tired of me venting all the time.

A normal*

Maren88, what will happen is when your inlaws pass, your hubby retires and wants to do things, you will still be on that emotional tightrope and feel a decade older then you are. My gosh, you probably are only in your 20's or 30's. You mentioned "no kids yet" so that tells me that is in your future plans.

My sig other has a bucket list of places he wants to see and things he wants to do. I have zero interest because I am trying to pick up the pieces of caregiving for years, even though it wasn't hands-on under the same roof, it still was emotionally exhausting to me.

Just curious, does your husband take over the caregiving on the weekend, doing everything? Or just helps doing just this or that? He may not realize how overwhelming it can be.

my breakdown was so bad i was barely able to drive to my regular drs office. She prescribed escitalipram which is antidepressant with antianxiety properties. Truly, i should have been taken to hosptial but i was the only one caring for mom.... when the dr came in the room i was in true lala land playing with my coat zipper on the chair and leaving my body..... Dont let yourself get this bad- i should have gone to see a therapist. ask your doc, maybe all you need is counseling to give you the tools you need to express your needs or strength to press for help.

Why in the name of Pete are they not in a nursing home where their medical needs can be looked after properly?

No, no kids yet. Kind of hard to imagine kids with the kind of care they require. I can't imagine my pregnant self bending down to tie his shoes or pick him up when he's fallen. I'm 28 and my husband is 27. Fairly new to this still and "young" I guess. My husband only gets Sundays and wednesdays off. So when he is off, he takes care of everything and I'm in the background doing everything else. He's a huge help and my stress reliever. No nursing home because it would break their hearts. My husband is close to his dad and I know he'd have a hard time with it. My MIL is a difficult woman and would die of a broken heart; her life revolved around my husband up until we were married. I see my regular doctor next week so I will ask for suggestions then. Thanks again everyone!

Freqflyer, I hope and pray that I'm not left picking up pieces of caregiving after they've gone. But I feel like you're right. I hope you've been able to get some normal back to your life!

"Break their hearts"? What does that mean, Marren?

My mom is in a NH. She is in poor health but gets great enjoyment out of people watching, some of the activities, watching the news, reading the NY Times large pront edition and hearing about what her kids and grandkids are doing. It sounds like your inlaws are isolated, stuck at home with no social stimulation at all. I have to ask, do you think you're doing them a favor?

My grandma lived with us when I was a teenager. She was terribly, terrible lonely and would occasionally say tjat to my mom, who would get incensed. Those 10 years of watching grandma's lack of social life and mom's resentfulness ( not to mention the fact that my mom, with two other kids and granma, had little time or energy to pay attention to an adolescent daughter) convinced me that this idea of taking an elder into one's home at all costs was going to be a bridge too far for me.

Maren, would he agree to see a marriage counselor? I think that is what you need now, an independent person who can explain that your breakdown is to be expected when too much is put on your shoulders. Maybe the counselor could offer workable solutions.

maren88, moving your inlaws to a nursing home would break their hearts? Ah, what about your hubby's heart if you become one of the 40% of caregivers who pass away leaving behind their loved ones. Those are terrible odds, and something to really think about. Let hubby know about that percent.

There were times that I thought my parents, who were in their 90's, would out live me !!!

Re: finding a professional to talk to. I would suggest that you find a doctor that specializes in treating elderly (even though your in-laws are not elderly they have diseases associated with the elderly), schedule an appointment for yourself and explain what you feel you need. The doctor should be able to recommend an appropriate therapist. You can also investigate care manager services. They often have great sources for recommendations for providers of counseling services. Check your health insurance provider to see if they have a list of participating counselors - then start making calls asking about their experience with the type of concerns you have. Good luck.

Maren, the way I see it, you have a choice to make: your emotional and mental health and that of your marriage - or caring for his parents.

It is time to sit down and have a talk with your husband. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do this. Not everyone can be a caregiver, and you are extraordinarily young to be doing this. There is nothing wrong with simply saying, "I can't do this" and seeking help for two very, very ill people who more than likely need more care than you can possibly provide.

I have another post on here entitled "Their future vs Our Future". She IS depressed/unhappy because she wants to move back home. But thanks to a lot of members on here, "home" is 10 years ago when she wasn't as sick. There is no way that we can move back to Utah [we live in Alaska]. Okay, well there is a way but my husband and I have planted our roots here..we want to stay here and raise a family together. There is nothing back home for us, besides family who don't really come around except a select few. My husband has a great job up here and we're financially stable. We would not have that if we moved back to Utah.

My husband doesn't want to put them in a home. The only solution he has given me is to either A) quit his job and I go out and work while he stays home with his parents [I doubt I would be able to find a job that gives us the financial security we are accustomed to by now..] or B) Ask his family for help [but they all live in Utah. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold for something that is essentially our responsibility].

So I feel trapped. My husband does A LOT. Not just things here and there, which he shouldn't anyway because they are his parents but it is just me and him.

Your husband seems to me to be an exceptionally short sighted and somewhat selfish man. He gives you "choices"? You can give him "choices" too. One might be " it's them or me".

Did you know when you married him that you would be takinghim and them as a package?

Maren,
Thinking maybe you wrote the truth the first time:

" I started taking care of them shortly after we were married so this is abnormal part of our marriage".

There are other choices that you have not yet considered yet.
You can both work outside the home and earn enough to pay someone to take them to dialysis, and caregive at home.

What impairments does MIL have that she can't do most of the caring for her husband? Why must you be there all day? You don't mention her health in your profile and I think that is a factor in this situation.

I'm glad you are going to seek counseling. I agree with Barb that getting a good "fit" is most important, and if it doesn't help on the first match, try another counselor.

Ah, Marren, I hadn't read past the first 10 responses. Sorry. I see that your MIL needs assistance too.

You say you wonder sometimes if you did the right thing getting married. I think that is a very appropriate question. At least, "Should I have gotten married and gotten myself into this position of caring for two very sick people in my own home?"

And I truly wonder if the kind of counselor you should see is a marriage counselor. Your husband has said that his relationship with his father is more important to him than your mental health or his relationship with you. Are you really OK with that?

His parents would die of a broken heart in a nursing home? Well, first of all they would not. After my mother's health failed to the point we could care for her in a private home we placed her in a nursing home. To our amazement, she thrived! She was content there, in spite of her dementia and mobility problems. Some people adjust more readily than others, but no one dies of a broken heart just because they need the level of care a professional care setting provides.

Your MIL's life revolved around her son before he got married? And she is a difficult person? Oh-oh. I think we are back to your question about whether this marriage should have taken place.

But it did take place. You are putting down roots. You are hoping to have children. Your husband is not a bad or lazy person. He tries to do his share. Presumably you love each other. So I sincerely hope this marriage survives and thrives and grows. I suspect some other arrangement must be made for the care of his parents.

You write that your "husband and I finally agreed that it's probably best for me to see someone about this."

What!? He's putting this all off on you!?

He needs to get real. The two of you need marriage counseling where you can address these issues and in particular healthy boundaries.

Marren, clearly your husband thinks that your caretaking elders is a normal part of life. ( I realize that you meant to type normal and not abnomal). What else does he think is normal that perhaps, going forward, you might not actually agree with? Have you worked outside the home? Do you plan to? Do you have your own friends and outside interests that you have time to pursue?

A marriage is a partnership in which both parties care about the welfare and well being of the other. What part of the fact that you are burning out from this job doesn't he get?