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My mom had a stroke last year....her left side compermised...she was in nursing home for rehabilitation for 3 months when she said she rather die than stay there....I am 60 and retired and theres no other family members left to help but I wanted my parents to be home as long as they could...ages 87 and 89....first two weeks home she did what she was cooperative with her excercises and in home nurse and physical therapist and ot came...then she started to change with me....all anger she saved up thru the years started coming out in a very verbal abusive way...when I talked to doctors the nurse about my concerns she came unglued...when I would try to get her to do her excercises and balancing plus walking stuff she started saying maybe later...they told her from day one it would take hard working and dedication to staet having some of her indepence back...braces were made to straighten leg and wrist. Nurse told her she needed to get out of bed...her tv chair and walk more ...she slept 16 hrs a day and watched tv until she went to bed...her idea of excercises was only 30 to 45 mins a day only...she was asked by nurse.ot.and pt..to walk to bathroom with her hemi walker...to dinner table.to bed and not be dependent on wheelchair...she was ok I'll try until they left...it was a everyday fight until I went home and said call me when your serious about doing what your suppose to do.she hasn't done anything in the past4 or 5 months.she says you have to make me do them yet says no body is going to tell me what to do. Constantly telling I was a troubled child for her. When I have listened to all these experts on what she needs to do.She says you always listen to everyone but me.Omg mom their experts. When she gets angry she starts trying to get out of wheelchair..throw herself off the toilet..tells me to shut about why her balancing and walking is helping her..she don't want to hear it. Now its to the point her foot and wrist r getting so tight and shes harder to physically help.she flopps around like a fish when transferring her when angry until I cant hold her much longer and I end up sitting her alittle harder down in chair.or toilet or in to her bed which now if I mention calling authorities to ck in on her when I leave shes threatening to lie and tell them I'm physically abusive. I can't take anymore and need to talk to someone who won't just jerk them out of their home then the state takes everything they own..they won't pay for help and won't move closer to me which is two hours away from them and all my medical and business is there..they refuse help outside.trust no one and now my health is compermised from stress. Plus being threatened with going to jail for abuse is very scary. Any ideas out there? Dads memory getting worst and physicallyhes gotten weaker. He has had a heart valve replacement and now a pacemaker. Makes things even harder. No power of attorney as they don't believe in it. Im up against a wall.

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Thxs everyone for the support and kind words...when theres a good pleasant day I treasure it...both parents have very negative mind set and I ask them can't we have one day with positive thoughts...a hello and its a nice say...I get what for...I released and learn at her first and last rehabilitation center/home the anger for loosing her independence but also since this was last april I ask her can't you put your anger behind you and move forward with what you could do with hard work...why yell at us on things we did 50 or more years ago..I get because it "happened" 50 yrs ago!.I will tho let the social worker know about the threats because if she out of anger or accidentally gets hurt and does blame me I want to ahead of time let someone with authority know..I would never hurt my mom out of spite...I did one time when I was helping up from tv chair to wheelchair and she started to do that fish out of water flopping around and my hand was lifting her on her bottom did a slap on her ass...she was acting like a child...and regret it but couldn't take it back nor did it calm her down...I wish better than this for her...since all excercises and reg walking stopped 4 or 5 months ago she now blames me for everything going stiff for not helping her. I asked her everyday after she got home do u want to do some balancing excercises...walk...it was a daily fight for three months straight...except maybe 2 days a month...so when I walked away the first time and was home feeling like the worst daughter ever for walking away and told her call me when your serious about your excercises. When I got back a week later...I said mom you will have to let me know when u want to work out cause I'm done fighting you over it...shes never asked but complains about her condition. ..I said mom you haven't once asked for asst on walking...she yells...why should I have to ask...its your body..I would think you would want to walk and get some independence back..she says I need to make her...so I set up times and then got...no body tells me what to do...so there I am again up against the wall...I don't feel guilty for her foot or wrist getting worst...I've been there and would have worked with her anytime...not taking that blame nor abuse allegations either...I feel broken and so hurt she even thought to lie about abuse to send me to jail...not sure she would act out but can't anylonger take that chance...
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Sweetie, if you keep this up, you'll be dead long before they will. They both have dementia. You can't reason with them. They did not give you POA when they were able and it sounds as though it's too late now. They've made their choices.

They are blackmailing you with FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Jail, you're the daughter, you're abandoning us. "No mom. You made the choice not to plan intelligently. That's not my problem. It's the County's problem now". Believe me, this situation is not going to change.

You call your area agency on aging on Monday and tell them that you can no longer safely care for them due to their threats, your health and their increased needs. Please save yourself!
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Sandy, your Mom isn't really angry at you, she is angry at herself for being in this position and she's taking it out on you. Put yourself in her shoes, you'd be pretty upset, too, as a lot of one's independence is now gone [yes, including you own independence] :(

Keep a journal of what is happening daily, just in case your Mom decides to say that you are abusing her. A journal will be a clearer picture of what is going on. Sounds like you Mom might have some dementia which would cause this anger, I've heard that strokes can do this.

Your Mom could also be upset with your Dad because he can't help her like he use to, and she can't help him, either. It's a tough situation. I see something like that happening in my future with my parents. They would be in denial that they need professional care.

Since your parents refuse to hire help nor go into a care facility, sometime we need to use tough love to make them realize it is time for professional care. Try not to enable your Mom. Cut back on the number of hours you spend with them, cut back slowly on the work you do for them. It will be a wake up call for your Mom to realize she needs more help than you can give them. Or be frank with your Mom and tell her "Mom, I am too old to help lift you, you will need to hire professional help", and keep repeating that if your Mom argues that point.
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Hi.that last thing I care about is what I get when their gone. I've said to them I'd rather you be somewhere where your taken care of properly and happy so we can be a family again cause the way its going its breaking us up. They r the ones who r afraid of losing everything and won't spend a red cent on helping themselves. Now if county comes in they I'm afraid of will put them anywhere and that to is scary. I keep saying I'll keep trying until it kills me but I think its getting to hard now. Mom gives me the guilt trip if I go home and force a break that someone will find them dead. And let us starve hope your proud of yourself plus I'm the daughter I am suppose to put up with her verbal abuse...ect..I wanted to call ss to do welfare checks when I go home and thats when I get the threats.
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We try to keep mom and dad at home as long as practical. In their case it is no longer practical, and their paranoia and anger are typical of dementia. So you ask the county social services to take over. I know you don't like this, but far better the county takes over than you end up dead from all the stress. Did you know 30% of caregivers die before their patients? It's no joke and you are at that point! Forget about saving the house for your inheritance, because at this rate you won't be around to live in it. Save your own life first.
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