Which way should I put my Mom in memory care/assisted living?
My 93 yr. old mother has moderate (stage 5-6) Alzheimer's dementia. She can be lucid a times but very "spaced out" other times.
I have power of attorney for her health care and I am co owner on her bank accounts.
She has gotten to the point where she isn't bathing frequently, she puts things in strange places. (I finally found the cordless phone wrapped in a flannel sheet in the cupboard!) and she tells me that people go into her apt and steal things.
She can't take routine medicine anymore because she forgets if she's taken it. (She was going to take a vitamin for a headache.) I've had to take everything of importance out of her apt. (Checks, credit cards, etc.) because I'm afraid of what she'll do. (She wrote a check to the hairdresser for $800. Instead of $80.!)
She lives in a Non assisted senior residence but her 2 doctors have said she needs to be in Dementia/AL for monitoring and medication administration. I have letters from both of them. Her apt complex says they can't let her live there if her doctors don't agree. She doesn't think she needs care and has been very independent all her life. She's Adamant about not moving.
The question is; should I show her the letters and explain that the management can't let her stay there against the advise of her doctor, with the possibility of an argument and refusal to leave OR should I just take her there (she visited the place but didn't know that it was going to be he new home) under false pretenses and stay the first night with her?
I am going to ask her doctor for some anxiety medicine (that she used to take) to ease the transition.
I'm sick over this and it's affecting every part of my life (marriage, job, sleep, other relationships, etc.)
Anyone been in my shoes?
12 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Can I force a senior citizen to move to assisted living if I am not a relative or guardian, but just a POA, Will Executor and friend?
- My Mom tell's me she "hates" everything about her new ALF but is nice to all the caregivers etc. Is this normal?
- Mom has dementia and I was just granted Guardianship. She is refusing to go to assisted living. Any advice?
- Looking for a good assisted living home that takes Medicaid in Nassau (Long Island), Queens, Brooklyn or Manhattan. Any help?
I'm currently waiting out my Dad. He and Mom should be in assited living, with him possibly in memory care but he refuses to even disscus it. He is still mentally competent enough that I can't force him or trick him into it, but as he declines further I won't hesitate to tell some whoppers to get him in care and I will not feel guilty for one second.
Thanks for your quick reply. I'm also leaning on the side of "stretching the truth" but it grieves me to have to lie to her. The guilt is overwhelming but I understand the necessity of it for her safety. She'll hate me for this and I'm scared she's going to make my life a living hell. She's a fiesty old lady and is used to getting her way by whatever means necessary.
(I just called the doctors office for the anxiety medicine. If she won't take it, maybe I will! ;) wink I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
If my Dad was alone I would be in the same situation. He can't be on his own without mom to control and watch over him. If she has to go into care for health reasons he would have to go also but it would be a battle. I understand what you're dealing with.
But remember, you and your family have to survive, be happy and have a life. Don't let this consume you and wreck your life. Do what has to be done for everyone's sake.
I know it's stressful though. I was so stressed getting my cousin into Assisted Living. Her doctor said she had to go, since she was not able to live alone due to dementia. I explained, with the doctor's support, that she needed to go there for rehab, including physical therapy, meals, medication, etc.,and that she could leave when she regained her health. She eventually liked it though.
Thank God it's done and went well.
Also, thanks for your advise.
I've spent the last 3 days packing and today we moved her furniture. Some went to our house and we took her sofa, bed, dresser, chair and end tables for her room.
Her reaction to seeing me was to physically attack me. She lunged at me, digging her nails into my arm, stating that she was tipped off that I was coming and she knew what I was up to and how mean I was. I told her I was working all day to get her furniture to her and she said I should have gotten there earlier. She told my husband she liked HIM but she just glared at me.
I might have them medicate her before I visit on Sundays, for both our sakes.
She has gone into level 6 of Alzheimer's dementia quickly. The next level will be less (or no) communication and loosing all bodily functions. As terrible as it sounds, the kindest thing that could happen is to fall asleep and meet God.
This is such a sad disease. 😞
See All Answers