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My 93 yr. old mother has moderate (stage 5-6) Alzheimer's dementia. She can be lucid a times but very "spaced out" other times.
I have power of attorney for her health care and I am co owner on her bank accounts.
She has gotten to the point where she isn't bathing frequently, she puts things in strange places. (I finally found the cordless phone wrapped in a flannel sheet in the cupboard!) and she tells me that people go into her apt and steal things.

She can't take routine medicine anymore because she forgets if she's taken it. (She was going to take a vitamin for a headache.) I've had to take everything of importance out of her apt. (Checks, credit cards, etc.) because I'm afraid of what she'll do. (She wrote a check to the hairdresser for $800. Instead of $80.!)
She lives in a Non assisted senior residence but her 2 doctors have said she needs to be in Dementia/AL for monitoring and medication administration. I have letters from both of them. Her apt complex says they can't let her live there if her doctors don't agree. She doesn't think she needs care and has been very independent all her life. She's Adamant about not moving.
The question is; should I show her the letters and explain that the management can't let her stay there against the advise of her doctor, with the possibility of an argument and refusal to leave OR should I just take her there (she visited the place but didn't know that it was going to be he new home) under false pretenses and stay the first night with her?
I am going to ask her doctor for some anxiety medicine (that she used to take) to ease the transition.
I'm sick over this and it's affecting every part of my life (marriage, job, sleep, other relationships, etc.)
Anyone been in my shoes?

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Thankless job, when I read your earlier post I was so happy for you. It sounded like things were working out perfectly which is so rare!! And then came the attack. my mom had Alzheimer's, but was extremely compliant and sweet right up until the end. Our biggest problem was always my dad who refused to let her go even though she wanted to stay when they visited a facility. She told my dad she had made so many friends she didn't want to leave. Out of his selfishness, she spent most days sitting on a chair being told to be quiet. Dad was in no shape to care for her, so of course everything fell on me and hubby. They had the long term care insurance to pay for a beautiful facility... After so many hard falls from which daddy could not pick her up... Which meant phone calls to us in the middle of the night... Constant worry... Losing my hair for once having nothing to do with chemo... Poor mom being on blood thinning medication, she died 3 months after we put her in her dream facility... Leaving behind a heartbroken staff and many" good friends" everybody loved my mom. I'm so sorry your mom acted out that way... I'm sure you already know,. That is the disease digging its nails into you, not your mom. Alzheimer's is the most insidious disease... so much worse than cancer... I have cancer and I can say this with absolute certainty. try to hang in there things will get better, time heals everything... Sometimes the passage of time is all we have to hold on to. I wish I had it to do over again, I would have kidnapped her and put her into Eskaton she would have been so happy!-finished
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Thankless, it won't be easy for any of you. My mom was moved five months ago. She was hospitalized after a few days because her behaviors became out of control and sib POA thought it was a UTI. I was certain it wasn't as mom is on many meds to try to prevent them, AND I cared for mom for four years before the move. I knew how difficult it would be, while sibs thought it would be a piece of cake. Initially, they planned to keep mom for observation overnight. I told sis she better stay with her. She didn't. Mom got so bad overnight they admitted her the next morning for a psychiatric evaluation to try to get meds figured out. Three days later they released her back to memory care. Then they required a 24/7 caregiver, additional cost, to be with mom for about five weeks until she settled down. Things went ok for a couple of months, now there are behavior problems again. Now a different med regimen.

I imagine if these meds do not work a nursing home may be required. These moves are very hard on them and the worry on us. I am not surprised that your mom reacted as she did today. You will see more of that. What does surprise me is that the facility did not have you setup mom's room before her arrival. Often that makes for a smoother transition, and a feeling of home with her things already there.

Best wishes to all of you as the hopefully relatively smooth transition occurs. It is going to be an adjustment for all.
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Oh boy, what a change since I left her Tuesday.
I've spent the last 3 days packing and today we moved her furniture. Some went to our house and we took her sofa, bed, dresser, chair and end tables for her room.
Her reaction to seeing me was to physically attack me. She lunged at me, digging her nails into my arm, stating that she was tipped off that I was coming and she knew what I was up to and how mean I was. I told her I was working all day to get her furniture to her and she said I should have gotten there earlier. She told my husband she liked HIM but she just glared at me.
I might have them medicate her before I visit on Sundays, for both our sakes.
She has gone into level 6 of Alzheimer's dementia quickly. The next level will be less (or no) communication and loosing all bodily functions. As terrible as it sounds, the kindest thing that could happen is to fall asleep and meet God.
This is such a sad disease. 😞
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IF ONLY we could...........
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What a great success! Only if we could all be that lucky. Thanks for sharing the story.
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Thanklessjob, thanks for the update.... it is always good to read a post where a move was successful :)
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The move went well. I gave my mom a dose and a half of anxiety medicine (I'm a nurse) and through a bunch of "fibs", we got her there. While I was filling out paperwork, my hubby explained that I was applying for a job there. The medicine caught up with her after lunch and she slept a lot of the afternoon. I stayed the night and she was awake most of it. In the morning, she was still calm and (lucidly) said, "you've brought me here to live, haven't you?" We had a good discussion on why she needed to be there, including showing her her smelly socks and pants and one inch long toenails that hadn't been cut. She realized she wasn't taking care of herself and decided to stay. We're going today (3 days later) to bring her furniture. They sent me a picture of her smiling in her room, the day after I left.
Thank God it's done and went well.
Also, thanks for your advise.
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Do whatever you feel you have to to get her there voluntarily. Once she's there, she may like it.

I know it's stressful though. I was so stressed getting my cousin into Assisted Living. Her doctor said she had to go, since she was not able to live alone due to dementia. I explained, with the doctor's support, that she needed to go there for rehab, including physical therapy, meals, medication, etc.,and that she could leave when she regained her health. She eventually liked it though.
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Thankless, Windy is right. I do understand the guilt over the deception and lies, I struggle with that too, but my parents have left me no choice. I don't like plotting and scheming or telling some creative whoppers at times, but it is the only thing that works. My parents (mom primarily) has in home companion care twice a week and just thinks it's my friend coming over during her lunch break. If she knew I was paying for it out of her savings (in my name only though she took hers off years ago) she'd have a gasket I'm sure, but worth every dollar to my well being and hubs. We had to something and as they continue I will not think twice about expanding the time needed. She'll just be there every day during her lunch break. It's sad and I don't like operating that way, but our desperation level was getting pretty high and had to get some relief. Oh, not to mention hub is recovering from cancer. When I remind them of that it just goes in one ear and out the other. Like Windy, I'm waiting them out too and trying to put some type of plan in place with little to no cooperation. Hang in there!
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I think your mom will eventually accept assisted living. Yes she'll make you feel bad but soon there will be no alternative.

If my Dad was alone I would be in the same situation. He can't be on his own without mom to control and watch over him. If she has to go into care for health reasons he would have to go also but it would be a battle. I understand what you're dealing with.

But remember, you and your family have to survive, be happy and have a life. Don't let this consume you and wreck your life. Do what has to be done for everyone's sake.
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Hi Windy,
Thanks for your quick reply. I'm also leaning on the side of "stretching the truth" but it grieves me to have to lie to her. The guilt is overwhelming but I understand the necessity of it for her safety. She'll hate me for this and I'm scared she's going to make my life a living hell. She's a fiesty old lady and is used to getting her way by whatever means necessary.
(I just called the doctors office for the anxiety medicine. If she won't take it, maybe I will! ;) wink I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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You might try reasoning with her, showing her docs letters etc. but from your description of her condition I think it's doubtful. Dont feel bad if you have to use a little trickery. You've got to do what's best for her and keep her safe.

I'm currently waiting out my Dad. He and Mom should be in assited living, with him possibly in memory care but he refuses to even disscus it. He is still mentally competent enough that I can't force him or trick him into it, but as he declines further I won't hesitate to tell some whoppers to get him in care and I will not feel guilty for one second.
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