Where to begin? Neighbor's (86, lives alone) family lives 2 1/2 hours away. They have zero understanding of dementia.

Your question is what should you suggest to the family. It's the wrong question.
You have made all the right suggestions, but they're not taking action. At least, not in a timely manner.

Now, it's time to protect yourself, your neighbour, and your neighbourhood.

I don't agree with how some posters have addressed you, or made out that this is your responsibility. It's not.
Yet, much of their advice is solid.

Contact APS and voice your concerns. Ask for them to take the information in confidence, as you do not want recriminations from the family.

Contact the driving licence authority and report your neighbour's erratic and dangerous driving - again, in confidence, or anonymously.

Next time there is a crisis, call 911.

Protect yourself by not being too closely involved. You do not want to be blamed, and you do not want your kindness to be abused

Protect your neighbour by helping him get the help he really needs.

Protect your neighbourhood by doing your best to get a dangerous driver off the roads.

If the authorities don't take you seriously, or don't take action, don't take responsibility. You've done your best.

Peggy, yes I agree. Stay out.
I meant I get the *feeling to help* but agree, stay just a neighbour.

My friend learnt the hard way (from both sides) what happens when neighbours get over-involved.

Beatty, I get it. But this family cannot call upon a neighbor to “look in” and expect her to be a proxy between them and the authorities.

Op, I would just step away from the mess.

Blackmonlori, a wise neighbour stays a neighbour. I get it though. As a caring person it feels natural to lend a hand rather than say Nope, not my side of the fence!

Clear boundaries will help.

If you see or hear anything dangerous - alert authorities.

My answer to phone calls from a neighbour's concerned son from far away would be as above. If I have serious concerns, I will alert authorities.

If it helps.. I have a friend who has been on both sides of this now.

Had an elderly parent, living alone, many hours drive away. Was getting frantic calls from neighbours: Your Mother is acting strange. We've noticed.... <insert many unusual things>. Those neighbours thought they were helping. Started checking more. Bringing food. Bringing meals. Collecting mail, putting bins out. Finding the lady when wandered at night too.

What they didn't know was the daughter was waiting for Mother to come in contact with Police or Paramedics. Her Doctor was well aware of suspected Alzheimer’s but there was no legal way to proceed.. yet. Until professional contact was made.

The neighbours were enabling & getting in the way.

The flip side was when my friend offered to get a few things at the shops for her own elderly neighbour. Then daily calls for this, that & other started. Was invited inside one day to find the neighbour unwashed, groceries & uneated food left about etc. Calls to family went nowhere (Denial? Lack of legal ability to proceed?)

She called APS immediately.

Seems you have been dealing with this for a while with his family. Its time to call APS. If he is driving today, call the police. And I have to disagree with Alva about going into his house and looking for his keys. Even if you had been given a key to his house, I would not enter it. The family could accuse you of theft and transpassing. You also do not have the right to enter his house.

Seems like you have given the family info they need and suggested his keys be taken away, which they refuse to do. You call APS tomorrow. Then you back away. You tell his family you will not be involved anymore. That you will call the police if Dad drives his car. You will call the police if he comes to your house confused and belligerent. You also will not go looking for Dad again, thats when they call the police. They can call the police for well checks. Its time for the family to realize that Dad can no longer live on his own. If they have to go looking for Dad a few times, hopefully they will realize that he needs help. If they do not want to care for him then he needs to be placed.

Being a good neighbor only goes so far. When that neighbor can no longer care for themselves, its time fot the family or the authorities to step in.

Why is this man still driving! The family should take the keys away asap, like yesterday! Next, start looking into memory care. Dad should have been taken to the emergency room, situation explained, and should have been held there for placement. YOU DO NOT TAKE HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.THE POLICE DOES THIS.

Next, remove yourself from the situation.

It is not your responsibility to take this on. The police should have been called asap! Get APS involved and report a senior on the loose driving with dementia. This man is having a tantrum because people are stopping at red lights. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP AT RED LIGHTS! (Shaking my head) It is not denial on the family's part. The family knows what is going on. They are passing the buck to you. You are a caregiver when you are on a paid assignment. You are not being paid to babysit a neighbor all hours of the night. You are being used by this family.

Why do people have such a hard time doing the right thing? Just google Elderly driver kills 23 while parking and you will see lots of articles about old people who shouldn't be driving who kill....I agree with @Isthisrealyreal on this.

The OP needs to step up, mandated reporter or not. Who gives a damn what the old man and his son think of her. It's not that complicated. And don't worry OP more than likely the police won't do a damn thing to stop this man from driving. But at least you can sleep at night because you TRIED to do the right thing. And next time son calls you to look for the dad, call 911 and let them know there is a senior with dementia on the road and he is missing or in trouble or whatever the circumstances are.

Black, as a CNA you are a mandated reporter. Enough said.

******* UPDATE ******

Ok I am beyond upset. The day that this happened, our neighbor went for a shot in his knee and hip. Apparently he went home and fell asleep and woke up thinking it was the next morning. 

we seen outburst since that day. And the family thinks that the father is “fine”. And not doing anything. I suggested adult protective services, calling the doctor ( he has had these shots before) 
taking his license. They are saying no!!!!
of course dementia is where there are good one minute then not good. They don’t understand this at all

The first step is to make sure you don't take on the care or get volunteered into it because you live next door. I too was a CNA in homecare for 25 years and I now have my own agency. I won't even take on clients who don't have an emergency contact that is local who can be called in an emergency.

There's no reason why the son should be calling you when his demented father took off for a doctor's appointment at 10pm and got stuck in a ditch. You should not have gone to look for him unless the police were notified first. That woud be entirely the wrong action.
The right action would be for the son to call 911 first and explain to the police what happened and that his neighbor (you) will help the POLICE find him. This way the cops see a senior out of it with dementia and he gets taken to the hospital where plans can be made for him.

Your neighbor's son is going to have to either come himself and stay with his father while he makes arrangements or have someone else. He can't be on his own anymore.

He should call APS immediately and explain the situation and that his father has dementia, is living alone, and no one has POA or conservatorship yet. APS will make a home visit. The son can also ask the police to make regular wellness checks. The cops can expediate placement for his safety also.


If no one has POA and the elder has dementia and is in denial, he's not going to willingly appoint his son or anyone else. He will see that as someone trying to "take over" and put him in a "home". Elders who don't have dementia often refuse to make any arrangements for themselves for exactly the same reason. They think by doing nothing their adult kids will keep them out of a "home". They don't.

Your neighbor's son will have to hire a lawyer and petition the court for conservatorship/guardianship of his father in the township his father lives in. This may take a while.

In the meantime disable the car. He cannot be allowed to drive. Letting these people drive is not just a danger to them. It's a danger to everyone else on the road. Let him throw as many tantrums as he wants and make as many empty threats as he wants as well, but his son must prevent him from driving. Even if this means he has to take the FMLA from work for a few months to babysit his father himself to get care arrangements made for him.

Don't be a fool and let yourself become the father's caregiver and responsible party for him because you're close. That would be a huge mistake. Don't be their emergency contact either.

You are in MI... what if he decides to wander outside by himself in the winter? You know the answer to this: frostbite, hypothermia...death. We happen to be having a mild winter here in the upper midwest (I'm in MN) but his family cannot allow him to be by himself anymore if he's disoriented with days and nights and now cannot problem solve even the most "obvious" challenge.

You are a compassionate person for helping him and a wise one for coming here for objective advice. You didn't do anything wrong... we're just trying to show you that his needs are way beyond what you can/should help with, and that you're not in any way responsible for him. The best way for you to help now is to not help at all.

When my in-laws were imploding, they lived in a quad home in a HoA community. I did ask one very sweet neighbor and her husband for favors like bring in their mail and newspaper in the winter, and let me know if they were going to the grocery store and be willing to pick up an item or 2 for them (I gave them a pre-paid GC to the grocery store that they could use themselves as a thank you). I paid for their newspaper subscription also as a thank you. Mostly I wanted to know if they saw anything out of place with my inlaws and to call me immediately (we lived 6 miles from them but had our own business and 3 kids in school plus my own elderly Mom). This was while I was working on a permanent solution for them -- this neighbor was NOT the long-term solution, ever.

Bless you for being willing!

Refer this family to APS for advice and tell them you cannot be involved with watching over and rescuing their elder. Then stay out of this. Any family who would, rather than call the police, call a neighbor to go out searching for their father and his car is in deep, deep denial. The POA is the least of this family's problems. Let us say Dad is cooperative and able still to have competency to appoint them POA. If so, he also has a level of competency necessary to refuse placement, and that's likely what he will do, making him still your "neighbor in need". A POA for an uncooperative senior is a nightmare and will have this family on the phone to you over and over again. You will be enabling a very dangerous situation.

You should contact APS yourself if family doesn't wish to come visit and intervene here. You aren't qualified to be an advisor to them so please refer them to those who ARE qualified; don't make yourself responsible for advice lest you end up "the one blamed".
Those qualified to help this family are:
Elder Law attorney
MD (for diagnosis and advice)
APS
Local Counsel on Aging
Police (in emergency)
EMS (in medical emergency)

I don't agree that you should be doing research for this family. I would tell them they need to get Dad to a Neurologist. That the incident proves he can no longer drive. His licence needs to be revoked. That he cannot live alone anymore. If they don't agree, then tell them u will need to call APS to investigate. You feel Dad is vulnerable.

I have few neighbors my age. Most have moved on or passed away. I will tell you at the age of 74, I would not take on the responsibility of a neighbor. I may take them something to eat but I would never care for them. I have done the Caregiving. I have been taken advantage of when I did help. I have boundaries. If this man lived next to me and his family seemed to be in LaLa land, I would call APS. Maybe a call from them will open their eyes. And who thought that Dad could drive 3 hrs to a Doctor at age 86. I wouldn't drive that far.

My mantra: I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.

First thing you do is back away from this, not your responsibility. You are their crutch.

When he drove off the road, you should have called 911 certainly not go there and rescue him. Bad move all the way around.

Refer them to an attorney and stop being their crutch, this is not helping anyone including you.

My advice is that you tell this family that you’re not a first responder or a caregiver or even family. They should not be calling you to go find him at 10 pm, they should be calling the authorities who have far more resources than any one person, including sending a Silver Alert on everyone’s phone.

These emergencies are not yours to handle.

The police should have been called to find dad in the ditch. Can you see that by rescuing him, you effectively stopped the first step towards placement?

EMTs would have been called and he would have been taken to the ER to be checked out. It would have been noticed that he was confused and agitated. Social services may well have stepped in to explain to family that he can no longer live alone, let alone drive.

Next time, call the police.

Lori, APS is Adult Protective Services. Call them in your area and let them know the situation. They can get your neighbor placed.

The very next time you come upon this neighbor (casually, in his yard or at his home) and he seems confused, call 911 and tell them he is confused and may have a UTI, or a stroke or something medical is going on and that his family is 2 hours away. DO NOT tell them you think he has dementia as this is not considered a life-threatening emergency. They will take him to the ER and then give the EMTs the phone number of his family member and do NOT go retrieve him from the ER even if the family or hospital begs you (and they might, I'm not kidding). From there the family should tell the discharge office that he is an "unsafe discharge" and request to speak to a social worker. They may be able to transition him directly into AL or MC. Do not help this family anymore -- it is just delaying the inevitable.

And if you see him in his car call 911 and report his driving as unsafe, giving them his name, address and license #. Call every and any time you see him driving.

Something similar happened to my brother-in-law. After they retrieved him from the accident (after he had been driving up and down turnpikes and interstates for a couple of days), they placed him in a wonderful board and care home where he’s been ever since. He is a happy camper, age 84. He continues to decline but in the best possible place for him.

You can start looking for placement for your neighbor. Then offer the suggestions to his clueless son. It would help him if you do the groundwork. Neighbor needs to go there yesterday.

It is kind of you to care & help. As a neighbour, your role is to be to good neighbour.

You could report any concern for a neighbour for a welfare check. If you notice anything unsual eg mail piling up, bins not out on bin night or home dark when usually lit. Either do a welfare check yourself, (phone call or a knock at the door IF you feel comfortable to do so) or report to your local authority.

Stepping from concerned neighbour to more is fraught with problems.

Do not take responsobility on where you hold no responsibility.

I would advise the son to obtain his own local advice. For him to speak to his local Area of Aging, maybe ask about a Social Worker service, someone experienced with elders. It may be beyond his experience &/or capabilities.. if so, then he needs to alert others to help. By others I mean professionals services, people trained in this area who have the power to arrange paperwork, legal matters & take action.

Sometimes APS becomes necessary. As a resource. Family can call & report an elder at risk. You could also call APS yourself.

PS Obviously also calling EMS or 911 if a neighbour is injured or unwell.

911 should have been called when you found him in the ditch.

The man has no business driving and may just kill someone because his son is a damn fool.

Tell son he needs to get his a** to his dad's house and get dad the help he needs.

Stop enabling the son. This is well past getting a POA. Dad needs to be in a facility.

And everything Lea said below too!

If your neighbors family does not understand enough about dementia to realize dad is driving to an appointment at 10pm, lost, and in a ditch, then they're either mentally challenged or in deep denial. Dad CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be living alone or driving a motor vehicle ever again. Tell his family you'll report him to APS immediately as a demented elder living alone and driving a vehicle unless they come rescue the poor man at once!