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I need support STAT! I'm so glad I found this website!!!!! I've asked (told) my older sister, who doesn't particularly like my mother, to come and get her before I have a nervous breakdown. My mother has dementia, wanders, and has become increasingly abusive and violent with me. My sister told me, after speaking with her on the phone everyday for the past 2 1/2 years, that she hasn't come to see my mom (we live together), because I humiliated her in front of people (said something about her hair in a baby picture), and that she had promised herself she would never come here again. Really? What was her excuse before I humiliated her? She hasn't seen my mother in about 8 months and before that it was about another 8 months or so. She is now telling me that she will not be put in a home and that she is "her mother" and I never had her come to doctor's appointments, spent all of her money, didn't include her in anything having to do with "her mother". My sister's son lives rent free in one of my mother's homes. She wants to inherit the home for her son to continue to live there. Her care is so obviously because of greed and money. She has no idea what sacrifices I have made for the past 5 years. I love my mom and didn't know that she would ever need assisted living/memory care facility. I wanted her to go quietly in her sleep in her own home peacefully. It didn't work out that way. I need a break. The moment I mentioned a place better for our mother's care, my sister freaked out and said very hurtful things! How do I be strong, stand up for myself and realize that she has no idea what I've been through and how ridiculous everything sounds that comes out of her mouth about how she "wants to care for our mother". Where has she been!!!!!

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Your sister has found a lot of excuses and has avoided any real effort in helping you or your mom. Now she doesn't want the money to go away if you put your mom in a facility, since those cost money.

Do you have the Powers of Attorney for both health and property for your mom? If so, then do what you need to do for your mom's safety and your mental and physical health. Your sister opinion isn't really worth worrying about. Does your mom have a will and I hope you're executor? If that hasn't been set up, then it may be more difficult. Others will chime in here shortly with good advice, but you need to take care of yourself. Also go to Youtube and google Teepa Snow. She has great videos on living with and managing someone with Alzheimers. You've found a place with lots of folks who understand what you're going through and will offer great advice and support.
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I'm not claiming to be a shrink but I have been studying human behavior and how the mind works and I'm still studying and learning and it's been helping me. Hope what I say gives insight to your dilemma:

1. If your sister doesn't like your mother, then there is no energy or motivation for her to take care of mom. And even if you manage to place Mom under her care, your sister may not even give the kind of care that is up to your standards because she does not care.
2. The more you resent your sister, attempt to extract some kind of appreciation from her that you are mom's primary caregiver, fight with your sister, that gives her more ammunition to resist, resent, and fight back with you. So it will be useless and an endless cycle.
3. How do you be strong? You stay strong by not giving away your power to your sister. If you allow her to ruin your day because she is not supportive of you and justifies her actions why she is not doing her part, then your energy will only be drained. Save your personal energy to care for mom and use your personal energy to find caregiver and elderly resources. Sometimes when you can't rely on your own family to help they have resources that will.
4. You can not expect people to give what they don't have. Read the sentence again. Do not expect people to give what they don't have. So if they do not have compassion and support in their hearts, then they can not give it away to others.
Yes, people can be cold, yes, they should help their own family when their family is in crisis. An ideal family should work together and help each other. But in this world we live in, it is not always the case. Helping others is always a choice but it is not required.
5. I highly suggest and recommend that you take your mother to attend adult daycare so you as a caregiver can get respite for yourself and so mom can be watched. If mom has medicaid call her medicaid and ask if they cover adult daycare and if so ask for a list of daycare facilities and check them out. I am a caregiver of my grandpa who has dementia and I take him to adult daycare several times a week. His medicaid pays for up to 5 weekdays of adult daycare and it also covers his breakfast, lunch, and snacks. He doesn't pay anything. While he is in daycare, I can take naps, watch tv, take more naps, take a long needed bath, run my errands, pamper myself, take care of my family. Taking care of your wellbeing will help you become a better caregiver.
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I am literally in tears right now! How can I thank total strangers who have been more supportive than my closets relatives and friends! I soooo appreciate your comments and it does give me strength to know I'm not alone. Really, until now, I have never felt so alone in my life! Thank you so much for assisting me and helping me not feel guilty that I haven't included my sister in my mother's doctor appointments, weekend visits, etc. so that I can "go out". This has been my life and commitment for over five years! Doesn't the road run both ways? Was I supposed to assume she would want to come here and go to her doc appointments? She said I'm the reason she "promised herself" she would never come here and see my mom, yet, for the past 2 1/2 years I walked with my sister through a horrible divorce and numerous other situations she has had including shingles, and skin cancer, artirial fibulation, financial difficulties, etc. Did I think I could, for a minute, ask her, this broken-hearted (literally and figuratively), stressed out person, to come and take on this stress!!!! MY BAD!!! I couldn't bring myself to do it! I figured, this is my situation in life and I'll take this anytime over what she is going through. I've given her hours upon hours upon hours of time, advice, listening ear, support and positive input only to be turned on in a flash upon the mention of putting our mother in a safe and healthy environment. Yes, I do have Power of Attorney in effect. And, she and I are the two executors, my sister being named first. I'm willing to give her everything if she can do things better than I have. I feel like I've done my part. I love my mother, but my life is more important than the stress of money could ever be. I don't want anything when my mom dies, but to know that I did the best I could while she was on this earth. I truly just want to turn everything over to her and just start over knowing my mother won't ever be put in a home where there is no family. My sister would never forego the money to place her. She keeps saying she's the "head of the senior ..... something in her town and that she knows everything about seniors and what they go through with their money". SHAME ON HER!!!! If she knows "everything" like she says, she should listen to herself talk. It's shameful.
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I'm crying right now. Can't seem to stop. I'm so appreciative of the outpouring of support I've received. Tomorrow is going to be the beginning of a very stressful weekend until my sister goes to her house with my mother. I feel like she is going to attack me and she is very intimidating to me. I'm the youngest of three, and she had severe insecurity issues and tends to throw her weight around. I'm an extremely non-confrontational person and tend to leave or "run" when I feel intimitated (flight or fight) I'm a "flighter", she's a "fighter". Please tell me it's okay to just leave. Can I just leave? Do I have to answer all of her questions she throws at me and listen to her defend herself? I want to have my keys in my hand and just up and leave so we don't have a fight. I may and probably would "go off" and just loose it. I don't want to do that. It's not worth it and won't change or affect anything. I'm overwhelmed. I feel bad that I didn't let my sister in on everything that's going on and that I have really, no right to complain. Shouldn't my sister have at least asked to talk to my mom at any time while we've been on the phone with each other for 2 1/2 years? Doesn't that mean she really didn't want to talk to her? Why do I feel guilty now? What have I done wrong so I can fix it?
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Why do you feel guilty jls? I think it is probably just a bad habit you picked up somewhere along the way -- perhaps encouraged by certain family members. Bad habit can be broken, you know, but it takes time and effort.

Be standing by the door with your jacket on and keys in your hands when Sister drives up. Hand her a note with whatever she needs to know about where things are, etc. Wish them well. Kiss Mom. Get the heck out of there!
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I will find out about respite care. You know, this sounds so stupid, but I thought there really wasn't anything I could do for myself or her and be able to survive keeping her in her own home for as long as possible. I really need to do some research while my sister is caring (hopefully) for my mom. I just think life just caught up with me.
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Dear jls, Take a minute to breathe. If Mom is now going to spend the weekend with your sister, yes you can just walk away. I'm sure you will have everything ready that she needs in the way of clothing and meds with instructions. Just put it all in your sister's hands and leave. Do not engage in any controversial talk with her. Your Mom will survive the weekend. If YOU are the medical and financial POA, you have every right to place your Mom in a facility if you choose to do so, or hire whatever help she needs at home at your discretion, and to spend whatever is needed out of Mom's funds to pay for that help. You do not need to consult or ask your sister her opinion if you have POA. I assume when you say you and your sister are executors, you mean executors of her Will (after she passes). POA's are not usually joint - if there are two, usually one is the successor or alternate. If that is the case and your sister is the primary POA, I would have to ask, Why in the world are you the primary caregiver? Perhaps you should dig out your copies of the documents and read them over when you are alone.

You definitely need to toughen up your emotions - I know it is not easy - I used to be a real pushover. I still allow certain people to take advantage of my good nature (for various reasons), but only up to a point, and only when I choose to allow it, not from being pressured. I know when to draw the line, and I won't allow anyone to disrespect me.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about anything - perhaps regret that your sister is a manipulator, but that is not your fault. She will probably always try to intimidate you and turn circumstances around to make you look weak - it's her only defense mechanism to deal with her own insecurities. The strongest thing you can do is walk away and not let her suck you into her drama. I would just say "Good luck with Mom this weekend" - don't even let her know your plans - and perhaps also say "you can bring her back anytime after 5 pm on Sunday" and then JUST LEAVE. You haven't broken anything, so there is nothing for you to fix or feel guilty about.

If and when your sister is ready to talk rationally with you, you may be able to start mending fences. If she wants to be involved in doctor appointments and such, perhaps you can make a list of things she can do to take some of the burden off of yourself, or review the list together and decide what tasks each of you feels comfortable with. I hope that in time she can become your ally instead of your adversary, but if not, remember it is not your fault.
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CG75104, you are amazing! Such well thought out response and you are very correct. One of my sibs is a professional counselor, not anyone I would recommend, too many issues herself and has spent time with mom 3 or 4 times this year for 2 or maybe 3 hours at a time, lives 10 minutes away. But, I have come to realize, and it took me awhile to get there, but she does not have the compassion to care for mom, so I am now ok with that. I texted her to ask if she would spend a few hours with so I could do something I really want to do. Her modus operandi is to ignore, not respond to anything I send. So, I made other arrangements and texted her to let her know I have it covered, which was satisfying for me. The last thing I want her to think is that I need her. She would not be able to handle mom as she deserves for any amount of time by herself.
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I know it sounds harsh but you really need to let go of past hurts and injustices; they are over and done with and cannot be changed! You have done a wonderful thing for your Mom all these years but maybe it is time to walk away and take care of yourself.

Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver. Thorough no fault of theirs, it just isn't in their make up...even when they had the most wonderful parents in the world. Your sister strikes out at you because she feels guilty and frustrated that you have done so much. She knows what she has/hasn't done!

You are the one who can sleep at night knowing you have done all you can. Sister will forever know she was not there for you or your Mother; and who knows it may have been the best for your Mom that sister was not so involved.

It is very difficult being the adult and doing the right thing. Sounds like you are at that crossroad now. Perhaps getting a mediator to sit down with you both while you have a totally honest discussion about the future. Pointing fingers and blaming not allowed....here is what needs to be done for Mom is focus of meeting!

Let go of the past, forgive your sister (really a gift to yourself) and move on with your life! Wishing you all the best!
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My sister bailed! She was supposed to be her this afternoon to stay the weekend and take my mom home with her. She called an hour ago and simply said, "I'm not coming". She does work during the week and stated she could not make arrangements for anyone to watch her. Well, I gave her an opportunity. As POA for my mother, along with being her sole care giver for the past 7 years, I now feel that I can make the best decision for her without any regrets, arguments, or grief from my sister. I feel like I now have been given the power to decide what is the best situation for both of us (my mother and me). I should have guessed, but figured it would take a day or two with her to at least say she tried before bringing her home. Just as well. My mom didn't have to go through the stress of adjusting to an unfamiliar surroundings. We will be fine until I get things figured out. That sounds so good, "until I get things figured out". Emphasis on the "I". Thank you so much for your support and I look forward to being able to assist someone in my situation and help others with their family dilemmas!!!!!!
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Well that didn't take long for your sister to back out, did it? I bet you saw this coming in your heart of hearts all along. Your sister just wants the money from what you've said and how she's acting. So now you're free to do what is best for you and your mom. It is a good thing that your sister didn't take her for a couple of days and then decide she couldn't handle it, which you know she would do. That would be harder on you and your mom. Take care and keep us posted. We're all here for you, and we're a large group of caregivers who *get* it.
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Good for you! We are all here for you; the people on this site are amazing at giving helpful advice and knowing what you are going through...
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Well one thing is certain you definitely know where sis stands for sure now. I don't know how well off your mom is financially but if you need to you can sell the house that is being lived in rent free. If your POA is a full one then you can legally do anything you need to do to in your mother's best interest. I admire you for keeping her with you. for as long as you have. There is nothing wrong with putting her in a daycare to give yourself a break. You can also so do things for yourself with the POA as long as your mother benefits also.If your mother needs Medicaid they won't take the house you've lived in and cared for her for 7 years but they will want the non income producing properties.Just saying. If you want to go the Medicaid route she doesn't have to move to a facility; there are community based services that it pays for where home health aids will come to the house to sit with her. There's also a way to be her caregiver and have them pay you to do it so I've heard. Just some food for thought. As for the taking up for yourself forget (easier said than done of course) that flight response remember that sis doesn't give a rat's patootie how you feel or what toll your care giving is taking on you mentally and physically. So the way I see it that releases you from handling her with kid gloves. Just because she the oldest doesn't mean you have to defer to her or respect her or tolerate her BS. You have the right to be your own person. You have the right and permission not to take BS from anyone. Just because someone, anyone is having a hissy fit does not mean you can't walk away and ignore it. It works for me. Seriously it's what I learned to do with my mother who is a piece of work but it works.Also when the time comes and you absolutely can't take any more BS especially when the BSer won't let up, following you from room to room as you try to get away from it as some of them are unrelenting you will snap and speak your mind . I read in the Bible one time although I can't remember where it is exactly but "to speak your mind" I used to take BS without saying anything back and it would eat at me constantly but not any more since I snapped at least that's what I call it actually I reached my total limit of BS I will tolerate from anyone. That's my two cents. I didn't mean to get carried away but sometimes it happens.If nothing else you know you have supporters here.
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I LOVE, I LOVE, I LOVE YOU ALL!!! I feel like you all have known me for ever!!! You are all so right and loving and caring and taking your own time out of your busy lives to help me! I really hope that I will have the opportunity to help people or even a person someday! There are no words that can express the appreciation I have for receiving these words of strength and encouragement I have received. I really do think there is a tiny glitter light at the end of the tunnel. I do love my mom. But, my mom is not my mom anymore. I'm so emotionally drained from being guilty for feeling like I'm "pawning" my mother off on my sister, to elation that she's gonna be gone for a while, to being disappointed that she's not going, to feeling powerful to make my decision as I see fit, to exhausted from dealing with the physical/emotional toll caretaking takes on a person in general. I'm a roller coaster when I'm normally (whatever that is), a very organized, well-rounded, "under control" kind of woman. Oh well, I guess not matter how old we are, we really don't stop learning. Thank you all again so very very much.
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Now that you know exactly where your sister stands, have the strength to do what is best for your mom and for you. Arrange for some respite care ASAP. Look into day services for adults with dementia in your area. If that isn't enough help, start researching assisted living, memory care or skilled care facilities, and find a good fit for your mom. Block out any static that you get from your sister. If she complains, remind her that you gave her an opportunity to help and she bailed - enough discussion. Since you have POA, make sure the finances are in order to pay for mom's care. (There is lots of info on this site about applying for funds if needed from Medicaid, veteran's benefits, etc.) List the house that the nephew is living in for sale. Tell sis that the money is needed for mom's care and you need to take advantage of the upturn in the housing market. After mom is settled into a facility (if that is what you choose), you can still be her advocate and support system, but you can start to work on getting your own life back. This is not a failure on your part. You took care of mom in her home for as long as you could, and like many of us on this site, you are realizing that continuing to "do it all" without help is just not possible. Best of luck getting back to that well organized, under control woman you are, and know that lots of us on this site have been there and are cheering you on.
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I would suggest that you speak with an eldercare attorney before you sell the house, etc. If your mom needs to go on Medicaid to be able to afford a nursing home, the attorney can advise you what to do about her assets. If her income exceeds Medicaid guidelines, then you will need to set up a Qualified Income Trust account. It's dicey about what you can and cannot do with assets. There is also a benefit if your mom is the spouse of a military war veteran. My mom is not on Medicaid so there are not a lot of free services available to her and I would have to pay for daycare. Just be careful to get legal advice first. I am caregiver for my 91 year old mom who has lived with me for 2 years so I know what you are going through. The family ignores the situation - as good ole me is taking care of it. I was shocked at first but have gotten over it. No one calls or takes mom anywhere so I pay for a companion to come in a couple of hours a day during the week while I am at work just to be company for mom and take her outside.
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Document your calls and efforts to include her and write down the no shows.
Move forward with plans for Mom, move her into an Alzheimer's facility and sign the house over to them, let them sell it to cover her care.
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I fully agree with and did what akdaughter suggested. Mother lives with us, so we sold all her real estate and put the money in suggested investments by our investment banker. Her money is gaining interest and is available whenever some is needed. When it comes time for a full time assistance facility, the money is there to cover her needs. Dealing with selfish or denial minded siblings is never easy, but you do what is right and best not what is easiest, and you will have a guiltless conscience.
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jls52806 you have been given some excellent advice from those that commented above. Stay positive and strong. You can make the decisions and refuse to be intimidated by your sister who has not been there to help or offer moral support for you. Do what you feel is right, ask questions and get legal advice if needed. You'll be Okay. Blessings!
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The advice I have received is priceless and so much appreciated words cannot express. I am so grateful that all of you wonder, giving, selfless people have came to my aide with my situation. Just knowing I'm not alone is beyond comforting. The information has given me the strength and encouragement to make the decisions I need to make for MYSELF and my mother.
So, thank you all! Hopefully I will be in a position to assist someone or many others at some point. I hope they know I'm here going through some of the same things too and we are not alone!!
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