Where does my Dad go when all of our health and money is gone and in-laws will no longer tolerate my Dad's attitude of entitlement?

He can go on Medicaid. Hopefully some other, more knowledgable posters will answer you about this. My own father is still private pay at this point. He is very
similar in attitude and has wanted the life of a king as you put it. It broke my health and reserves too. How heartbreaking that your sister has become so ill, and that you dad doesn't respond appropriately. I can totally understand why your husbands are putting their foot down. As they should! I'm afraid some old people are really toddlers in so far as they are able to empathize. They are so self obsessed that they cannot even see others let alone care about the impact they are having. It's not personal, they have just never really grown up, but you need to be
proactive in making care decisions so that this childish selfishness doesn't negatively impact you and yours any further. Good luck!!!

Thank You for your encouragement. My sister says he doesn't qualify for Medicaid. His 'entitled' attitude is causing a lot of disruption in our family. Both SIL's are so ticked off that they have no problem with Dad getting evicted and becoming a 'Ward' of the state. My BIL doesn't mind if Dad is put on the streets. He just wants his wife back. He said all the care she gave my Dad and fretting over him was not worth the cancer.

Every county has some type of "council on aging" that can provide resources, advice, and support.

You say your father agreed to pay for 3 months of AL? So he has money...and just doesn't want to spend it? Not sure what financial picture is there, but if he has resources, sounds like he should be using them. The other person is right, you ladies need to stand by your husbands - they are trying to love and protect you, as they pledged to when they married you.

If your father gets kicked out for his behavior, just find another place. It's a bully mentality and you have to stand up to bully's. It isn't loving loyalty either of you are showing to your father when he's being abusive and irresponsible. Again, your husband's are trying to protect you (& their family). Let them. That is showing them respect they need. You promised to cleve to them and leave your mother & father ya know. I'm sorry, I say this in part because I was abused when I was young and I have learned it isn't "love" to take it; it's just being abused. I don't put up with that anymore.

So, go share your story with a local agency - or many if need be - and find the resources you need and then let them work with your father. He's a grown man. I think older folks (the cranky ones anyhow) sometimes think they are entitled to be that way because they played by the rules all their life and now it's "their turn". ha. sorry charlie, got news for you, it's that way until we die!

Hang in there. Find a way. Pray. Oh & I hope your sister gets better.
Seek & you will find. God bless

Wmy does your sister think dad doesn't qualify for Medicaid? Has she talked to an elder care attorney?
Unless dad has hidden assets or has gifted away assets, there are ways he can get qualified.

Just to clear up a side issue: your profile says that you are caring for your mother who lives in an ALF in California, is that right?

So when did this crisis with your sister's health crop up? What brought you to the forum today in particular?

Look. Here I am, a complete stranger, I've only just read your outline, and I've got steam coming out of my ears at the thought of two sisters blindly ruining themselves, one way and another, for the sake of a father of this sort...

What do we know about him? - He's 84, he's been content to depend on them for "years," and he continues to be the main subject of concern for two ladies, one of whom has got herself into debt on his behalf and the other of whom really does have more important things to worry about, and both of whom have husbands tearing their out. And he's sitting there saying 'what about me?' - And So Is Your Sister, in spite of her own stark troubles. That's what we know about him so far. I'm sure there's more to it.

... So I'm not surprised your respective husbands are angry. I should think they're fit to be tied.

It sounds as though your sister has followed the line of least resistance in terms of care, as you did in terms of finance.

Here are Father's wants. We must supply them. "To give and not to count the cost" is a fine principle among religious ethics, but not when it comes to rational planning of a parent's support.

What were you both thinking? You weren't, were you, or at least not past what Daddy wants Daddy gets and hang everything else.

It slightly worries me that you needed your husband's strongly worded objection to tell you that it's not a good idea for your father to move in with you. You didn't figure that out for yourself?

There isn't time right now for you to address the wider issues. This is an emergency. So, for now: your sister has accepted the need for your father to be admitted to the ALF for three months. Let's skip over the bit about who's paying for that (grrr) and focus on what use you can make of that window. You are paying for this service, so make the most of the facility's contacts and expertise and advice to create a plan that gets your father off your hands.

With your sister so ill, this is not the time to attempt to change her thinking. It does not HELP her to be told that the father she has given so much to has ruthlessly exploited her no matter how true it might be; and you cannot stop her caring what happens to him. So instead, reassure her that your father will be safe in the family's hands, which is no more than true. The method of keeping him safe is going to have change, that's all.

Step One, if possible: your father gives you power of attorney. To take control of this situation, you first need the authority to act. Is that going to be doable?

Also, because there are two sides to every story: how would his best friend explain your father's attitude?

Nursing home, MEDICAID and Bye Bye loser dad. Yup, I'm blunt. Trust me, someone will get him medicaid-state social worker, the facility he is in, whatever to continue to pay his room and board. Step away, go back to your family. Someone who is a leech like what you describe him as, ...(and if there is nothing like dementia causing this behavior) welp, he made his bed so to speak and now he gets to sleep in it. DO NOTHING MORE except save yourself, and be guilt free about it. Get back to life while you still have one! Send a birthday and Christmas card with 20 bucks in it. Done.

Time to cut ties and live your lives. Dad made his bed now has to lie in it. He has 3 months to either sink or swim

Has the Grant deed been recorded? Sometimes, especially when family members are involved, these transactions can be undone. See a lawyer.

What is so terrible about becoming a ward of the State? The State will look after him.

Please read my reply to 'Cherrysoda' for the Medicaid option. I'm sorry to hear that you were broken financially and physically. My marriage and my sister's well being is more important than my Dad being treated like a 'King' at this point. He may need to become a 'ward' of the state because I'm refusing to be his guardian after what happened to my sister.

Medicaid will not pay unless the person has a need for LTC. Like Dementia, needs 24/7 care etc.

Dad gets Supplimental Security Insurance (SSI)? Call your Social Service office and ask if he can be helped with housing. HUD will take 30% of what he gets. He will be responsible for electric and TV, which he can get the very basic. He would qualify for food stamps.

I would not sacrifice your marriage for this man. You all have done enough. Your sister maybe able to beat this. My GFs husband did. But she has to stop stressing out for a man who does care about anyone but himself.

Your father is clearly a narcissist.  Save yourselves and your marriages.  There is no 'cure' for this personality disorder and they like themselves just the way they are.  I have worked in healthcare more than 30 years; tell your sister 'he will always be taken care of'.  It is nebulous but true.  There are nursing homes that accept state payment and that is all the patient has.  He will not have the "king" life or even a private room for that matter but he will have basic care.

What a horrid situation you are in. I feel for you. In my situation, I came to feel that I could try to help save my sister (who was not in the same situation your sister is in but still needed to be saved) but my 84 y.o. mother with Alz could not. We would do the best for her we could, but we had to save ourselves. We're in our 50s , both single, have to look out for ourselves. In our state, it's the problem of the facility where a person is currently residing where s/he goes next. They can't just roll a wheelchair to a bus stop and say "Good luck!" So let the ALF get a social worker involved to help find the next place. As far as Medicaid, I believe the person can still own a domicile AND qualify for Medicaid. They just can't have above $2k (I think) in liquid assets to qualify. Granted, they may get their hands on his portion of the house that has his name on the deed; deal with that later. Start with an elder advocate - cheaper than an elder attorney but possibly still qualified to give excellent advice (get testimonials) - but save yourself, your husband, your sister - as much as you can - and her husband who has graciously offered to foot an expensive three-month ALF bill. I feel for you sisters - I really do - and I'm glad your partners see your father for what he is/has been. In that regard, it has been my unfortunate experience that Alz - and maybe dementia - magnify/entrench the victim's less desirable qualities. Sounds like that is what has happened here. And you know a leopard won't change it's spots. He's used to being King; that won't change. But let someone else be his court jester. Our society hasn't gotten to the point where an ALF will kick him to the curb and let him fend for himself. Let state agencies take over. You focus on your marriage and doing what you can for your sister. I wish you the best of luck.

Once he's evicted, he's on his own. Tell your sister to stop worrying about him and start taking care of herself. You need to do the same. Your dad's not gonna change so why should you? Seek a good counselor and try to do the best you can with your husband. Your dad got himself into this mess, therefore he'll need to get himself out.

Careful; you might want to introduce your sister to the concept of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) which is a technique used by some folks to keep their kids in line. Reading about this has opened many eyes here.

You are not responsible for the "entitlement of Dad." He applies for Medicaid and goes to a Nursing Home. An Assisted Living costs money and that's why Dad should apply for Medicaid. The husband of the ill sister thinks she got cancer because she "broke her own health?" Wow, that's rich.

In my area, ALs are private. They do not have Social Workers. I also don't think they are under the same regulations as a Nursing Home who excepts government help when it comes to "discharging to a safe place". So, I would have BIL find out what happens after 3 months. Really, I doubt that an AL will except someone for that short of time unless respite care. You usually sign a lease for a year. Its just like renting an apartment.