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My sister has been the primary care giver of my Dad who is 84. My sister has stage 4 lung cancer now, lost her job and cannot physically or financially help my Dad. She and her husband live in the southwest. Her husband is angry, fed up and will not contribute another dime to help my Dad who has leeched off all of us family members over the years. He's upset that his wife broke her own health to give her Dad the life of a "King". However, he has agreed to pay for 3 month Assisted Living just to try and get his wife back, then he's done with supporting my Dad financially. I have bailed my Dad out of his financial messes over the years and got myself in debt as a result. My husband is sick of this mess. I cannot afford to care for my Dad either and risk losing my marriage. I live in Minnesota and my husband is angry about my sisters illness and how my Dad is more worried about his future than his own daughter's. My husband refuses to contribute any more money to my Dad's well being and will separate from me if I don't unite with him. Not only that, my husband made it very clear that Dad is not welcome to live with us. My sister is dying and all she's worried about is what is going to happen to my Dad after those 3 months are up in the Assisted Living facility. I joined this forum to see if there are others out there in a similar situation and what comfort I can offer my sick and worried sister regarding my Dad's future. Once he's evicted from the Assisted Living facility will he be on the streets or will he be a ward of the state?

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Nursing home, MEDICAID and Bye Bye loser dad. Yup, I'm blunt. Trust me, someone will get him medicaid-state social worker, the facility he is in, whatever to continue to pay his room and board. Step away, go back to your family. Someone who is a leech like what you describe him as, ...(and if there is nothing like dementia causing this behavior) welp, he made his bed so to speak and now he gets to sleep in it. DO NOTHING MORE except save yourself, and be guilt free about it. Get back to life while you still have one! Send a birthday and Christmas card with 20 bucks in it. Done.
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carefulmom Mar 11, 2019
Thank You. His income is very low (because he never wanted to work), He makes 1,000.00 per month. He won't qualify for Medicaid because my sister bought a house when she was single, put my Dad on the deed with her as JT and let him live in it rent free. My Brother-in-law thought he was being smart by having my Dad 'Grant Deed' his portion to her, but legally it looks like he 'Gifted' it to her, so there's a 5 year 'look back' period and this transfer took place only 3 months ago.
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Medicaid will not pay unless the person has a need for LTC. Like Dementia, needs 24/7 care etc.

Dad gets Supplimental Security Insurance (SSI)? Call your Social Service office and ask if he can be helped with housing. HUD will take 30% of what he gets. He will be responsible for electric and TV, which he can get the very basic. He would qualify for food stamps.

I would not sacrifice your marriage for this man. You all have done enough. Your sister maybe able to beat this. My GFs husband did. But she has to stop stressing out for a man who does care about anyone but himself.
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carefulmom Mar 13, 2019
Thank you dear friend for your reply. We were advised that if the ALF kicks him out, not to accept 'guardianship' over him but let the state (Medi-Cal) take over and put him into LTC or Skilled Nursing. At least he won't have to live in a cardboard box. Husbands are happier - so am I, but we are keeping my sister out of the loop and encouraging her to focus on her own well being and health. :-)
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Your father is clearly a narcissist.  Save yourselves and your marriages.  There is no 'cure' for this personality disorder and they like themselves just the way they are.  I have worked in healthcare more than 30 years; tell your sister 'he will always be taken care of'.  It is nebulous but true.  There are nursing homes that accept state payment and that is all the patient has.  He will not have the "king" life or even a private room for that matter but he will have basic care.
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carefulmom Mar 13, 2019
Thank you kind friend, for your words of encouragement too. I was advised to let the state become his 'guardian' if he is kicked out of ALF. Even though he may not need Long Term Care or Skilled Nursing at this time, that is what Medi-Cal covers and he has Medi-Cal so my sister doesn't have to worry about him living in a cardboard box. :-) The sun is starting to shine! :-)
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He can go on Medicaid. Hopefully some other, more knowledgable posters will answer you about this. My own father is still private pay at this point. He is very
similar in attitude and has wanted the life of a king as you put it. It broke my health and reserves too. How heartbreaking that your sister has become so ill, and that you dad doesn't respond appropriately. I can totally understand why your husbands are putting their foot down. As they should! I'm afraid some old people are really toddlers in so far as they are able to empathize. They are so self obsessed that they cannot even see others let alone care about the impact they are having. It's not personal, they have just never really grown up, but you need to be
proactive in making care decisions so that this childish selfishness doesn't negatively impact you and yours any further. Good luck!!!
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Please read my reply to 'Cherrysoda' for the Medicaid option. I'm sorry to hear that you were broken financially and physically. My marriage and my sister's well being is more important than my Dad being treated like a 'King' at this point. He may need to become a 'ward' of the state because I'm refusing to be his guardian after what happened to my sister.
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BarbBrooklyn Mar 11, 2019
I'm glad you've found your resolve, Carefulmom.
BIL needs to consult an attorney about Medicaid Recovery on the part of home dad gifted. It will have an effect upon BIL's ability to sell the home in the future.
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Wmy does your sister think dad doesn't qualify for Medicaid? Has she talked to an elder care attorney?
Unless dad has hidden assets or has gifted away assets, there are ways he can get qualified.
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carefulmom Mar 11, 2019
Thank you for your kindness. Please check out my reply to 'cherrysoda' to answer the question.
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Just to clear up a side issue: your profile says that you are caring for your mother who lives in an ALF in California, is that right?

So when did this crisis with your sister's health crop up? What brought you to the forum today in particular?

Look. Here I am, a complete stranger, I've only just read your outline, and I've got steam coming out of my ears at the thought of two sisters blindly ruining themselves, one way and another, for the sake of a father of this sort...

What do we know about him? - He's 84, he's been content to depend on them for "years," and he continues to be the main subject of concern for two ladies, one of whom has got herself into debt on his behalf and the other of whom really does have more important things to worry about, and both of whom have husbands tearing their out. And he's sitting there saying 'what about me?' - And So Is Your Sister, in spite of her own stark troubles. That's what we know about him so far. I'm sure there's more to it.

... So I'm not surprised your respective husbands are angry. I should think they're fit to be tied.

It sounds as though your sister has followed the line of least resistance in terms of care, as you did in terms of finance.

Here are Father's wants. We must supply them. "To give and not to count the cost" is a fine principle among religious ethics, but not when it comes to rational planning of a parent's support.

What were you both thinking? You weren't, were you, or at least not past what Daddy wants Daddy gets and hang everything else.

It slightly worries me that you needed your husband's strongly worded objection to tell you that it's not a good idea for your father to move in with you. You didn't figure that out for yourself?

There isn't time right now for you to address the wider issues. This is an emergency. So, for now: your sister has accepted the need for your father to be admitted to the ALF for three months. Let's skip over the bit about who's paying for that (grrr) and focus on what use you can make of that window. You are paying for this service, so make the most of the facility's contacts and expertise and advice to create a plan that gets your father off your hands.

With your sister so ill, this is not the time to attempt to change her thinking. It does not HELP her to be told that the father she has given so much to has ruthlessly exploited her no matter how true it might be; and you cannot stop her caring what happens to him. So instead, reassure her that your father will be safe in the family's hands, which is no more than true. The method of keeping him safe is going to have change, that's all.

Step One, if possible: your father gives you power of attorney. To take control of this situation, you first need the authority to act. Is that going to be doable?

Also, because there are two sides to every story: how would his best friend explain your father's attitude?
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carefulmom Mar 11, 2019
My Brother-in-law talked my Dad into making me DPOA. Dad's best friend is my sister. I will correct my profile. What my mother saw 40 years ago and left my Dad for his laziness and leeching, us children never saw. Dad is brilliant and knew how to work us kids. In my fair lady the bum dad sings: "With a little bit of luck, your kids will make you rich." Love is blind. Check out my reply to 'cherrysoda'.
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Has the Grant deed been recorded? Sometimes, especially when family members are involved, these transactions can be undone. See a lawyer.

What is so terrible about becoming a ward of the State? The State will look after him.
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carefulmom Mar 11, 2019
Yes, it has been recorded. Looking into a way to reverse it if possible. Thanks for your reply! :-)
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Thank You for your encouragement. My sister says he doesn't qualify for Medicaid. His 'entitled' attitude is causing a lot of disruption in our family. Both SIL's are so ticked off that they have no problem with Dad getting evicted and becoming a 'Ward' of the state. My BIL doesn't mind if Dad is put on the streets. He just wants his wife back. He said all the care she gave my Dad and fretting over him was not worth the cancer.
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bettina Mar 11, 2019
I think contacting an elder care attorney might be a good idea. I'm not sure about the ins and outs of Medicaid, but if he doesn't qualify that must mean he has some income? Perhaps saving the money for AL and getting him straight away into a facility that accepts low income residents might be possible.

I agree with your BIL fretting over your Dad wasn't worth it. But it's so easy to get enmeshed with our parents. I did something similar to your sister.
Her cancer diagnosis is really tragic. She needs to be the priority now. Sounds like everyone needs to be telling him a very firm no to any continued demands. Good luck!!
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What a horrid situation you are in. I feel for you. In my situation, I came to feel that I could try to help save my sister (who was not in the same situation your sister is in but still needed to be saved) but my 84 y.o. mother with Alz could not. We would do the best for her we could, but we had to save ourselves. We're in our 50s , both single, have to look out for ourselves. In our state, it's the problem of the facility where a person is currently residing where s/he goes next. They can't just roll a wheelchair to a bus stop and say "Good luck!" So let the ALF get a social worker involved to help find the next place. As far as Medicaid, I believe the person can still own a domicile AND qualify for Medicaid. They just can't have above $2k (I think) in liquid assets to qualify. Granted, they may get their hands on his portion of the house that has his name on the deed; deal with that later. Start with an elder advocate - cheaper than an elder attorney but possibly still qualified to give excellent advice (get testimonials) - but save yourself, your husband, your sister - as much as you can - and her husband who has graciously offered to foot an expensive three-month ALF bill. I feel for you sisters - I really do - and I'm glad your partners see your father for what he is/has been. In that regard, it has been my unfortunate experience that Alz - and maybe dementia - magnify/entrench the victim's less desirable qualities. Sounds like that is what has happened here. And you know a leopard won't change it's spots. He's used to being King; that won't change. But let someone else be his court jester. Our society hasn't gotten to the point where an ALF will kick him to the curb and let him fend for himself. Let state agencies take over. You focus on your marriage and doing what you can for your sister. I wish you the best of luck.
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carefulmom Mar 13, 2019
Thank you friend for your kind words. Yep, we are also going to let the state become his 'guardians' if the ALF kicks him out. Just got to keep my sister out of the loop otherwise she will want to 'rescue' him again at her expense. Wish I could blame it on dementia or Alzheimer, but the 'entitlement' attitude has been going on since my Mother met him and divorced him 30 years later.
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