I think we need more information to be able to intelligently reply to this. Your profile says that your mother is suffering from depression; is that being treated? It also says that she is unhappy that you have a boyfriend. Does she not like the boyfriend, or is it that she feels it's taking away time from her care/entertainment?
When you say that you and she are not communicating properly, do you mean that you can't agree on the facts of the issue, or that she doesn't agree with your actions? Can she afford other care, such as assisted living? Sorry to ask so many questions, but the answers will get you some real advice!
She likes my bf alot and he is very sweet to her. She is angry at me and won't tell me why. She says she is in the way but I don't feel that way. She has started acting mean toward me and calls my brother - they talk but won't share what the issue is with me! I feel ganged up against. My brother won't even help me with mom except to take her overnight once every six months. Her living with him is not even an option according to him.
My brothers response to me needing help from him is, " you signed on for this". What a heartless response! I am beginning to feel guilty to having a boyfriend and I guess if I got rid of him mom would be happy. Then I would be there for her 24/7. She has recently started buying only food for her and now I pay the majority of bills/food/utilities...etc. I don't get it. I guess my happiness doesn't count to my mother or brother. I already deal with my own depression and frankly I feel happier when he is at my house...depressed when he is gone.
Also I feel like I wait on her hand and foot but she rarely says thanks for anything I do. I feel taken for granted and abused mentally. I work full time and come home to a miserable woman who seems to hate me... I just don't know what to do. All I feel like doing is crying.
My next stop would be a geriatric psychiatrist. Is she having paranoid thoughts, delusions about you? What is she telling your brother, and is he believing her? Who is treating her depression?
I think that you need to rethink the decision to have her move in with you; what was the reason for that? It's apparently not working out between you. What are the other possibilities for her living arrangements/care?
When (and if) it became obvious that mom needed more care than she was getting, did your brother have opinions about how that should be arranged? Was he in favor of a facility and you were not? If that's the case, then perhaps you can see his point that "you signed up for this", ie, you didn't look at the other possibilities.
Perhaps your mom (like mine) said, "oh no, I couldn't possibly go to one of "those" places. But there was no other alternative, because she couldn't deal with help coming into the home. She ended up really enjoying her time at Independent Living. Like another poster here often says, like a cruise ship that doesn't leave the dock.
we have lived together since 2008. Never had any trouble until I met this guy....ever since it has been not fun living with her. SHe was fine at first but has consistently gotten more and more unhappy. I have no idea what she is saying to my Brother ("the Wonderful doctor") he refuses to tell me what she is saying...she says she doesn't want to share this with me? What the heck am I supposed to do? I feel I am the bad guy and am in a no win situation currently. She refuses to see a doctor for depression....but I know she is depressed. She is so negative all of the time. It is so hard to deal with all this negativity.
You have to read the whole strand. Her mother had dementia, and she couldn't see it. Mom was paranoid and delusional.
this really has to do with your mom's state of mind; you need to find out what's going on, and that you do through a geriatric psych.
Your mother is committing emotional blackmail by saying she'll kill herself. has she SEEN an assisted living place recently? Take her on a tour for the free lunch.
Aha. Yes. "Mom, I can't do this if you won't work with me and your doctors. This is your choice". Bat the ball firmly into her court. What is the Geri Psych saying, by the way?
It is not as important that Mom accepts her geropsych results, because she may not be able to either cognitively or emotionally. If they indicate some dementia or at least mild cognitive impairment, it will help you (a little) to realize that her empathy skills and social skills are slipping, and yes, you hit it on the head that she is jealous of your boyfriend and probably wants to make sure she has top priority and secure ALL of your attention, just out of insecurity and irrational fear that she won't be taken care of. Niceites like apppreciating your care for her (rather than secret resentment and unwillingness to acknowledge she is depending on yoru care) are going to fall by the wayside, that's the nature of the beast. There is probably no way she can realize that by hurting you or at least diminishing your happiness in life, by driving away your support, she is making you feel more distant and more likely, not less, to need alternatives to your caring for her. You may be able to reassure her you care for her and want her to be happy and you know it is hard. And you do need to set limits and insist she treats the boyfriend with some civility, Maybe he could even try to do a few nice things for her and worm his way into her good graces, you never know.
The key is to do what you can so that Mom's misconceptions and worries and neediness do not run the whole show. It can be really awkward to be the limit-setter with a parent, and really scary to become the adult in charge, but, well, now for better or for worse, that's who you are!
What did the Geriactic Psych. say your mom's diagnosis is? Did they have any recommendations about the level of care that your mom needs and what mentally speaking she is capable of?
Having to endure all of this emotional blackmail, I think that it would help you to see a therapist both to vent about this and to get some face to face guidance on how to handle it.
Without guardianship, you want be able to move her anywhere against her will, but at least she is in your house instead of you being in her's. That's an expensive step to take and will only work if she's been diagnosed as incompetent by a doctor.
When you say that you and she are not communicating properly, do you mean that you can't agree on the facts of the issue, or that she doesn't agree with your actions? Can she afford other care, such as assisted living? Sorry to ask so many questions, but the answers will get you some real advice!
What a heartless response! I am beginning to feel guilty to having a boyfriend and I guess if I got rid of him mom would be happy. Then I would be there for her 24/7. She has recently started buying only food for her and now I pay the majority of bills/food/utilities...etc. I don't get it. I guess my happiness doesn't count to my mother or brother. I already deal with my own depression and frankly I feel happier when he is at my house...depressed when he is gone.
When (and if) it became obvious that mom needed more care than she was getting, did your brother have opinions about how that should be arranged? Was he in favor of a facility and you were not? If that's the case, then perhaps you can see his point that "you signed up for this", ie, you didn't look at the other possibilities.
Perhaps your mom (like mine) said, "oh no, I couldn't possibly go to one of "those" places. But there was no other alternative, because she couldn't deal with help coming into the home. She ended up really enjoying her time at Independent Living. Like another poster here often says, like a cruise ship that doesn't leave the dock.
this really has to do with your mom's state of mind; you need to find out what's going on, and that you do through a geriatric psych.
Your mother is committing emotional blackmail by saying she'll kill herself. has she SEEN an assisted living place recently? Take her on a tour for the free lunch.
The key is to do what you can so that Mom's misconceptions and worries and neediness do not run the whole show. It can be really awkward to be the limit-setter with a parent, and really scary to become the adult in charge, but, well, now for better or for worse, that's who you are!
Having to endure all of this emotional blackmail, I think that it would help you to see a therapist both to vent about this and to get some face to face guidance on how to handle it.
Without guardianship, you want be able to move her anywhere against her will, but at least she is in your house instead of you being in her's. That's an expensive step to take and will only work if she's been diagnosed as incompetent by a doctor.