My 82 yr old father can barely walk and has been recommended to get a leg amputated due to diabetes. He needs a wheelchair or walker.
He is an arrogant demanding picky eater who thinks he is independent.
This week he has had lobster 3 times and he insists on going to supermarkets while family watches him limp around. I cannot take it anymore. I can't stand him. I cannot watch him grocery shop or watch him eat anymore. I have done enough dishes, house chores and cooking for a lifetime. I cannot stand another hospital visit, test or doctors room. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. This isn't a life. It is slavery. Is this a normal day for everyone? I am already on anti depressants and don't want to live.
Please advise.
You can't change your father, but you can change yourself and your reactions to him and his demands. Perhaps you can start by hiring some outside help(with his money of course)and only visit him once a week or a couple times a month which ever works best for you.
He is not your responsibility, never was and never will be, so take a deep breath and start making some much needed changes, as this is not worth risking your health over.
I am now worried for my elderly mother and her health. When I lived away and only visited on weekends the house was a wreck. Rotting food, hoarding junk, they just don't seem to care.
A rude awakening is definitely what he needs and the fact he may lose his leg by amputation.
I don't want any of this for my father but I am just at a loss.
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
If so, step back and allow them this "independence" they believe they have.
Call Adult Protective Services and report them as vulnerable adults if you believe they need outside help but won't accept it from anyone but you.
I know this sounds harsh, but you are not your parents' retirement plan.
It isn't so much about finances
As the eldest son I am expected to do whatever they want but I can't chauffeur him around so he can shop on top of all his medical appointments. He has 10 doctors and specialists. My mother is also 82 and I can't just dump all this on her. It's not fair.
I've also never been close to my father due to his arrogance and lack of basic social skills. To be honest he is probably on the autistic spectrum.
I can't stand him but love my 82 yr old mom and can't leave this mess to her. I have a sister who is great but she has young kids and tries to help whenever she can.
Reach out to the Area Agency on Aging and find out what assistance your parents qualify for, especially transportation.
10 specialists? Why?
Find a geriatrics doctor to evaluate his overall health and look into palliative care.
When he goes into the hospital for the amputation, he should go to rehab afterwards. You have an opportunity at that point to work on getting him and mom into Assisted Living so that more of their needs will be handled "on site".
There is no shame in telling your parents "I can't do this anymore". Your mental and physical health comes first.
He has a nurse and support worker visit but it's only 45 minutes a day. He is no where at palliative care. He had lobster again tonight at a restaurant.
When he suddenly couldn't walk everyone's life also stopped but the complications of diabetes will make things worse.
Otherwise you are right I am still drowning. I don't know if it's trauma or what but I feel scared of everything
There is no reason why you should stay in this position, as an adult, and be considering suicide as your only way out! In reality, your father IS your mother's responsibility and if she's not wanting to deal with him, she should speak to a divorce attorney! You, as the child, are not responsible to be his lifetime caregiver at the cost of your own LIFE.
Please speak to a therapist so you can disentangle yourself from this unhealthy dynamic you feel is your duty to be engaged in. Soon. You deserve a life of your own, my friend, you really do, whether you believe that or not. It's the Gods honest truth.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your own life now
When/if something happens to my mother because of him I am afraid I will lose it.
They need a facility. They need round the clock supervision.
Please don't go down the tubes with them. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
In healthy families, children are raised to becone independent and establish their own family units and/or households. If there are situations where the parent(s) require care, the children are problem solvers and facilitators, not slaves to their parents' needs.
Do you have a therapist who is helping you?
Does your mother realize that if she divorces your father, she will get a substatial portion of his resources? Is she claining her spousal Social Security?
My mother was abusive, overbearing and overprotective.
My sister saw the writing on the wall and got out. I stayed the loving son turned slave.
There was domestic violence and I saw my mother attempt suicide twice when I was a kid. My sister and were not from a healthy family.
Your parents need more and different care than what YOU alone can provide.
Some folks make a false equivalence between raising up children and caring for parents late in life.
Our socity is not structured in a way that makes that possible. We all need to work and save for our own old age. There is outside help availabke for elders that you can help facikitate and coordinate. But leave the hands on, day to day stuff to a facility.
It sounds as though both of your parents may have significant personality challenges which makes caregiving all the more challenging. At outside caregiver can tell them that they have to do things a certain way and get no pushback.
You? Your a 'kid' in their eyes. Always will be. I think you should go back to being a loving son who arranges their care and retreat from the burned out slave role you've taken on.
This lets them know that no, you won't be dealing 24/7 with lifting and toileting him after the amputation. They as "independent" people can then figure out who's going to do it.
Even the thought of amputation makes me ill.
I am not well.
As others mentioned I am not equipped to do this.
They have always been toxic. I lived away for 17 years and nothing changed. The difference now is their physical health is failing.
Leaving now to me is just abandoning them. Sincerely thank you.
Has it occured to you that by living there, you are PREVENTING them from getting professional help?
Call APS and ENCOURAGE the neighbors to do the same. Hoarding, rotting food...these are symptoms. Of serious problems that are not within your locus of control to repair.
She has been in therapy and on tranquilizers meds for many years. Her martyr complex is off the chart so I am damned if I do or don't. My hope is I will not be a basket case if when they pass.
We know caregiving just intensifies whatever problems were there before.
They need better, different and more care than you can give them.
Have you talked to your local Area Agency on Aging about getting them help?
Once, I became suicidal after the birth of one of my kids. I felt I couldn't get help because I would be abandoning my responsibilities.
Something a doctor said shifted that. "How are they all going to cope if you're dead?"
I checked myself into the psych ward and you know what? Everyone was fine. I got the help I needed, the rest of the family managed and we all thrived.
Please rescue yourself. If you are feeling as bad as you seem to, please call the hotline and get help!
I am clinically depressed.
Tranquilizers do very little for folks with your mom's kinds if issues. Antidepressants, perhaps a mild antipsychotic, those are the newer treatments.
Is she getting good care?
She is not that open about her medical information. It's one of the last things I will attempt to talk to her about.
Most unpaid family caregivers around me have been males. Usually how it works is that they got invingled into coming home, usually after 40, to "help out." This limited their dating prospects. They would hang out with other guys, usually also doing the same thing.
Here's what happened to two of them.
Guy 1 went to drinking, then drug use, then eventual unemployment. When his mom croaked, he could barely function. His sister came in, sold their house, gave him his half and told him, see ya. He managed to get himself on NA, get off his drugs and with the proceeds bought himself a place. Had the miserable baggage (she was an actual white supremacist, I'm glad she's dead) lived for even five years more, he would have probably been permanently paralyzed psychologically from even helping himself.
Guy 2 moved in with the parents down the street for 15 years. Mom had too many falls, the sibs got involved, put Mommy in a home, and he was evicted. With whatever money he had, he secured a small trailer and moved into the woods. Then the wildfires came. He is now homeless.
Guy 2 is the more likely trajectory. You say you have assets to secure even a modest studio for yourself? Do this. Expand your social circle including dating. I'm aware you are sorry for your mom, but your absence will force her to make decisions for dad.
You feel like there is no move you can make that will improve anything, yes?
Do you understand that legally, motally and ethically, your parents are not your responsibility?
That by staying, you are harming them-- it's preventing them from getting better care?
That by rescuing yourself, you are rescuing them?
Everything seemed manageable until my father suddenly couldn't walk.
Now being clinically depressed and this global pandemic everything seems impossible, pointless.
How is the world are you expected to provide ANY kind of appropriate care if you are not privy to her ailments and treatments? And the financial resources that could be used to solve them?
You want my help, I need transparency from you. Otherwise, please use your own resources to solve your own problems.
"Oh, you think I'm abandoning you? YOUR choice mom; let me talk to your doctors and get you better care. YOU raised me to be smart and capable; please let me use those skills. Otherwise, be fine on your own". I had that EXACT conversation with my mom many years ago.
Do you get how unfair they are being to you? They appear to expect you to be their slave.
That ain't right...
She is incontinent and will not let anyone help clean her bedroom or bathroom.
At least she is mobile.
My father is literally going to lose a leg but thinks nothing will change and it doesn't affect anyone.
https://www.google.com/search?q=anosognosia&oq=anos&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0i433i512j0i131i433i512j0i433i512l3j46i131i433j0i512.5075j0j4&client=ms-android-tmus-us-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
Some folks develop this condition where they can't evaluate their own deficits. It makes it impossible for family to get them the care they need.
Family needs to step back and let the state take over.
Sometimes I can't
This neverending pandemic makes everything 10x worse. A lot of family and friends around me seem like life goes on which makes it all the more strange.
Thank you for your care. It means a lot during these times.
Be well, my friend.