When will my older brother step up the plate and help me care for our 85-year-old father?

tropical, you're not at selfish for wanting to enjoy quality time with your friends. In fact, you're being very ethical and responsible in trying to make it overlap with a time where your parents are stable enough to be left alone. It is a great feeling to be able to balance one's life in that way. I do. We would not be here to care for our parents if we didn't find ways to balance our lives with little things we enjoy, including time away from caregiving, however brief. Enjoy your friends and your life. Sounds liek you are doing an awesome job of keeping your parents' well-being visible. Best to you always, tropical.

The caregiving community is the most supportive I have seen anywhere. Some in our society could learn to live and let live as so many caregivers seem to do. It is refreshing to be a part of such an enlightened community of people who strive each day to do the right thing by others in our lives. In so doing, we ultimately discover ourselves, including through each other. Thank you all for being such inspirations.

PS ` Potty Protection

i believe I posted this on another thread.

I found a good product reasonably priced at Costco in the Pet section.
"absorbz" TM. The pads ar thin, 22" x 22" & claim to absorb 4 cups of liquid & containodor neutralizers, blah, blah, blah.

100 for anout $15 seems reasonable! Cheaper than a medical supply place.

I wish I'd had them for my car seat & fabric chairs!
Now Dad has a catheter now.
Another intriguing scenario.

Cheers ~

Rip

Tropicalbreeze I hope you're still not waiting for your brother! cause if he hasn't by now, he won't. Like Alz said he's a deadbeat!

Tropicalbreeze,
If your brother doesn't want to get involved it may be a blessing.
My brother recently called and told me he and new love may be here next month for a visit after a 10 year absence. Although negligent, he is the goldenchild to mom.
I have mixed emotions about this visit. Hope it's just to introduce us to his new love and not to get his inheritance early. If mom has to go on medicaid they look back 5 yrs on gifts and penalize the patient (mom) that amount in care costs.
My brother has never been greedy but I don't know this new woman and loneliness can make a man do strange things. Mom would be more than happy to throw money at him in hopes of his return to visit more often, but would jeopardize her own wellbeing and my ability to help her in the process.
I'm hoping for the best and not sure how or if I will breach the subject yet. Going to have to pray hard about this one. I am in any case aprehensive; hopefully unvallidated.
So you see having brother step in may not always be a good thing.

Your situation is a lot like mine except my older brother has turned his back on our 85 year old mother. I am the middle child and neither he nor my younger sister think it is important to be there for our mom. Sis lives the closest to mom, but she just goes over to mom's to get money and food from her. My brother has completely shut down all communication with any of us since it is just easier for him not to be involved. Unfortunately you and I are left careing for our aging parents. It sucks, and it is not fair, but there seems to be nothing we can do but try to make them comfortable and happy during their remaining time on this earth. At least it sounds like your brother will step up when asked. Mine won't and only criticizes what I try to do for mom.
Suzie in Seattle

Tropicalbreeze,

You probably won't get your sibling to help out. You can ask and see if you get any response at all.

When my husband & I had my MIL living here with us, we used every available resource we had. My MIL has 5 kids, all grown and with grown children. My husband is child #4. Child #1 helped out on weekends (short period of time)--but she had grandkids to take care of as well. Child #2 helped out the most. Child #3 is the one who, when I asked, she always had an excuse for why she couldn't come over and help. When she did come over, it wasn't for long. I can count on one hand when my husband & I would be able to get out with her spending time with her mom. My husband would come home from work and help out or sometimes even before he went to work. So, sometimes his schedule was 1) help mom out before work, 2) go to work, and 3) help mom out after work. Child #5 came over and gave her weekly showers. Now that MIL is in NH, Child #3 is throwing it in my husband's face that she's coming and he's not. I don't want to go up there when we're told we have to. I don't have anymore contact with her, since she did that. My oldest sister would probably say, "You're cutting your nose off to spite your face."
...but at this point I really don't care.

I hope you have better luck in getting thru to your sibling than I did.

well an update on my brother who couldn't help with dad or come to any dr appointments for my mom - on Tues July 27th my dad passed away at home we had hospice in helping to take care of him After telling my brother on Monday - who was away for the weekend at his Lake house that dad was really bad and that it probably was only a matter of time - he finally left his lake house late Tuesday afternoon because he had to spend that day with his friend who had been there all weekend it is about a 5 hr drive he arrived at my house just as my dad died. I guess no one has a conscience anymore. And my sister didn't come down until Wednesday afternoon even though I told her on Monday how bad he was

It's always one child that steps up to the plate to take care of the parent. I too make comments to my sister who says I live closer, and its easier etc.. she also says it makes her ill to see my mother or go to her apartment...caring for a parent, regardless of them being in a nursing home or having in home care just sucks the life out of you ...Take each day as it comes, cry a little if it makes you feel better and then pick yourself back up and keep doing what your doing...

Never!!! My siblings would rather stash him away in a nursing home. Don't expect any help and cherish some if it is offered.

I am sorry your dad has passed away! He is your father and such an important part of you. But, perhaps it is also a blessing. And you can know that you did the right thing. Good for you! I hope you can have a rest now.

llaurssa17, Forget the rest of them and be thankful that you were with your father in the end. You will never have to regret NOT being there, sorry about your dad.

There are three of us and my brothers seem concerned but say they can't help. One brother is in and out of the county doing the bidding of the corporate world and seems to forget his father help bring him into this world and would appreciate a little caring while the other brother just doesn't seem to see things need to be done. I'm told by other people that this happens in every family. One steps up and the others step back two steps. God forbid they lend a hand and have a little responsibility. How christian of them. Too busy with their lives but figure I can devote mine. Nothing like being left at the corner waiting for family who never comes by.

Tropical Breeze...gee all that help you had. Three sisters, two living nearby, go for 6 months without visiting nor calling. OH they help out a lot...NOT. nadda The other is a thief who ran back to Oregon and pretends she's perfect with her son's perfect family. SHOW ME THE MONEY you stole and forged...So of all relatives one niece is kind and helpful from a distance and another niece is extremely loving. You say you have a husband to help...and he still gets to go to work? Where you getting this lavish amount of help? Try no husband, no siblings at all to help...for 8.5 years and you don't get paid.

The county finally allowed a total of 24 hours respite care or day care program for mom...me time off to do errands and occasional shower and movie..But this has been sporadically in last year.

BREEZE:

Perhaps he feels he doesn't have to. The only thing you can do is appeal to his sense of morality and ask him to help YOU instead of your father, but do it nicely. Nagging him won't get you anywhere, and will definitely widen the rift to the point he won't even bother to call. Even on Christmas.

Well, it's time to go to work. ... Hasta luego querida familia.

-- ED

If he is like my brother he won't - and asking doesn't help at all - none - all I get is "No, I have a life..." Tally up how much it would cost to hire someone to do what you are doing and send him a bill for his share. I am sorry if I sound like I am resentful. I am. But I'm trying to let it go... Just know that you aren't alone - and you are doing the right thing.