When will my older brother step up the plate and help me care for our 85-year-old father?

with your father being 85, that means your brother is perhaps 60. When you just write it, you think, oh a 20-year-old deadbeat. But this is a 60-year-old deadbeat, like my three sisters. Grown women, grandmothers all.

Anyway, there may be some transformational experience you could inject into the situation. Seeing the movie "The Savages" might pry open something, perhaps some poem. That movie just out on DVD, "The Single Man," is such a movie, though not about caregiving a parent. But caring about life. Oh, the new "Toy Story 3" movie has a "stick together" scene that will bring you to your knees weeping.

Almost anyone would run to the aid of someone in an accident to help them. But when one is dying over the period of several years, this same person runs the other way.

Shallow. (My prime insult.)

Does he respond and do what is needed when you DO call? If so, I think maybe you just live with that and try to be as specific as you can about what you need from him.....but if you're just venting about having to point out the obvious to your bro., I affirm that. It's absolutely frustrating.

Never, I have finally given up on my 9 brothers and sisters. Mom was there for everyone of them when they needed help, but the same old story I stepped up to help her and everyone else stepped back. I have tried emails, phonecalls etc, nothing its like to most of them there mother doesn't exist. Sorry that's the way it works sometimes. Come to terms with the fact that you may be doing this alone.

If there is any way to get your dad to ask him, I would have that happen. This is what I do with my mom: when she needed help with her yard work I told her to call all of the kids and ask or I would send over the person who does my neighbor's lawn to give an estimate. She chose the later. Suddenly siblings weren't getting the birthday checks because mom had this new expense. Does your dad live with you?

I've been caring for my almost 97 yo father for a year now. In that time, I've had only 8 weekends off.....was beginning to resent the 3 siblings that live nearby (one next door) then today I was talking to my sister & found out that she goes to pieces every time she walks into my dad's house because our mother died here 7 years ago and she was so very close to our mom and it just brings back all the sadness of losing mama. (at the time of my mom's death, my sister was going through chemo for breast cancer) I then talked to my other 2 siblings and found that I'm the only one that can bear being in this house. When my brother stays overnite to help out, he can't sleep anywhere but the couch, since there are only 2 bedrooms, one is my dad's and one is mine......the one my mom died in.
So, the point of all this rambling is that there may be reasons you can't be aware of.
God Bless You and I pray He helps you with this stress point.

I have found the best way to get help is to first talk with your sibling and see if you can get THEM to say how they feel and how they think their parents' needs should be met. Ask questions - get them to talk -= you stay as quiet as you can. Often, when they say it themselves, they get the point.
The next best thing is to ask your sibling for specific days, or nights, or errands, or whatever you most need - but BE SPECIFIC! "I need more help" doesn't do it. Say "Can you spend Tuesday evening from 5PM - 10 PM with Dad?" "Will you please help Dad with his shower on Saturday?" It is a big help to those who do not get it to have specifics.

I agree with the others - if you wait for your brother to step up, it will probably never happen. If you help him step up, you very well may get some relief.

Tropical,
In American culture, men are neither trained or expected to be caregivers. Although this is beginning to change, in the last half of the 20th century male elementary school teachers, male nurses, male day care directors, and stay-at-home dads were rare. It is not that we are clueless or uncaring as some have said here. It is because our designated role was to lead and provide for our family. The majority of POAs and Estate Executors are male but women dominate roles such as Custodian or Guardian.
If your brother does what you ask without a hassle, then he is trying to do his part as he has been trained to do. Try asking him to organize a family support calendar and keep track of who is supposed to take dad to Medical Appointments etc and you may be surprised at how involved he becomes in dad's care. You might also ask him to be dad's "safety monitor" to ensure the house where dad lives is properly fitted with fixtures that help him navigate around the house and a fall detector in case dad falls when/if he is alone.

thanks for the support it means a lot I am glad I found this site funny how you get more support from people that don't even know you than you do from your own family

tropical, you're not at selfish for wanting to enjoy quality time with your friends. In fact, you're being very ethical and responsible in trying to make it overlap with a time where your parents are stable enough to be left alone. It is a great feeling to be able to balance one's life in that way. I do. We would not be here to care for our parents if we didn't find ways to balance our lives with little things we enjoy, including time away from caregiving, however brief. Enjoy your friends and your life. Sounds liek you are doing an awesome job of keeping your parents' well-being visible. Best to you always, tropical.

The caregiving community is the most supportive I have seen anywhere. Some in our society could learn to live and let live as so many caregivers seem to do. It is refreshing to be a part of such an enlightened community of people who strive each day to do the right thing by others in our lives. In so doing, we ultimately discover ourselves, including through each other. Thank you all for being such inspirations.

I think it will take something major to jolt your brother into helping. It is 3 years since my Mom died leaving my 80 yo plus father to go on alone. My brother's only contact is if Dad drives to see them (same as it was when Mom was alive) - they never visit him at his farm - too much trouble - my sister is worse. I have had great support from the Agingcare members here and they have helped me realise that rather than being the only sibling that cares I am in fact the one Dad has chosen to be his prime carer. I have never asked for money from him and if anything I was my parents most difficult child (but maintained a great releationship after I turned 26!) Understanding al this has made me much happier and less annoyed with the other loafers (oh, I mean siblings).
One option may be to give your brother a clear 'do-able' task - it will make you and your Dad feel better - but it will not happen without a severe prod in the ribs and a direct request for a specific task. Good luck.